Please help ---my mom hates him! his family loves me!

[Lizzybeth]

Alright -

 

Let me begin by saying that I'm 20 years old, work "part time" and have a boyfriend that I am absolutely so in love with ...have been since I was in the 9th grade, and he was in the 12th. My parents hate him because he didn't go to college and works at Target , they also don't like the idea that I lost my virginity to him at age 19. - I'm sorry that I hurt them by doing such a thing, but I love him. My mom says i'm not allowed to see him at all, that he is "scum" -

 

His parents and family, love me so much! I went to his grandmas funeral this weekend and sat with the family, and his mom went on to say that even though my family didnt accept her son - she accepted me...and it made me cry because they treat me with such kindness and my family isnt that way with him. My mom says I must make a choice - to leave and move with him, or stay away from him and live @ home. I'm stuck - and I need help and lots of prayers.

 

I say.."what is meant to be will always find a way."

 

Liz

[Thinkalot]

Oh, situations like these are so tough, I really feel for you. But I think you need to make your own choices here...and do what is right for YOU...not what is right for you family. It sounds like they are being quite judgemental. It is hard when they don't accept the person you love...but they will probably come around in time. I think you will end up resenting your family, if you choose them over the man you love.

[average guy]

Who would you like to spend every day and night for the rest of your life with?

 

The answer is the answer to your question

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[bluechocolate]

Your family doesn't have to like your choice in partner but they should respect your right to make those choices. Clearly your parents think you are making a mistake but part of becoming an adult is having the freedom to make your own mistakes and as parents they should know this.

 

How is it that you're sorry for hurting your parents feelings because you lost your virginity at the age of 19 to a man that you love? At your age you are under no obligation to discuss your sex life with your parents because quite frankly, it is none of their business.

 

In my opinion true parental love is unconditional. Your mother has placed an unacceptable condition on her love for you and one which is destined to drive you away from her.

 

I know what I would have done in your shoes. The second she was finished that ridiculous ultimatum I would have been packing my bags and been out the door.

[Papillon]

Stunning advice from BlueChok! Glorious, wonderful, amazing, fantastic.

[CurlyIam]

No no no no no no no no!!!!

 

Feel like living up to your choices? Move with a friend, to your best friend, not with him!

 

This is one of THE biggest choices ever. Don't jump right in for the wrong reasons. Should you decide you want to go to a deeper level with him, that's ok. But don't do it 'cause your mom made you or 'cause you had no other choice. You always alsways always have a choice, don't you forget that.

 

This is part of your fault too. I know you were young and didn't feel like standing up to your bf, but no one has the right to talk him down in front of you. You should have defended him and even though it was clear your mom had nothing but contempt for him, you should have made her to show respect for the relationship you chose to be in, regardless of the bf qualities.

 

By despissing him, she despisses your choice and yourself, ultimately. Even worst that his family knows about this aspect. You are old enought to stand up for what you believe in. If you don't make a stament fast, it will affect your relationship, the relationship you have with his family, with your family and you'll be the only one getting hurt.

 

I can't believe your mom would mean what she said - kicking you out if you continue. Talk to her, tell her you love

her and that she should trust you enough with your choices. Tell her you need her support, especially during this period of your life, that she means the world to you and that she shouldn't force you to chose, because it will be everybody's lost and it will affect the relationship between you and her forever.

 

You have to put your skills into practice: negotiation and diplomacy ones ! When making your decision, at least try not to burn all of your bridges with your family, 'cause men came and go, family is one of the only constant things in one's life.

[vashmash]

Let me say that this situation is all too familiar for me. I fought that war for over 4 years. The fact is simple: your mom will never think anyone is good enough. My mom tried suckering me into dating these guys she said she liked and were perfect for me...and guess what? As soon as I pretended to show interest she began to hate him, just like she did my real love.

 

I have been with this guy for four and a half years, and hid him from my mom for about 3 and a half years! I hated it, he hated it, his family hated it...and what did I do? I sat there, being a chicken and waiting for the "right time". There never is a "right time" to bite the bullet and tell your mom that it's your way or the highway.

 

So here is my advice: if he threatens to leave or finally tells you he is sick and tired of being mistreated by your family and you (because if you're hiding him like I did that is mistreating him) then go ahead and fight with your mom. Thirty minutes arguing, you storming out the door (making sure you're yelling at her where you are going) and then her calling you where ever you have gone. Trust me, your mom will always love you and she will want you back. I'm not saying she'll like it, and she may still stay on your case about it, but she'll allow it if it means keeping you. That doesn't really seem like much compared to losing the love of your life now does it? I lost mine for a while and I thought I was going to die. Then, I realized my mom will always love me and I'm positive he always will, too... but homesickness is nothing compared to the loss of my best friend and lover.

 

I lost him for almost a year and then finally got the nerve to call him back, ask him if he still wanted me (and he said yes!) and finally told my mom. I went crazy without him and I hated to even look at my mom knowing what she had cost me. Please avoid that whole thing.

 

But now the situation for us will be hard again soon: he has enlisted in the Marines and will be gone in a month. I can't go with him because I am in my sophomore year at a university.

 

I would say that it isn't going to work between us, but we have been through many many trials, tribulations and battles and pulled through every single one so far. Telling my mom to back off was another victory on our list. Not even thousands of miles with mountains somewhere in between can stop what we have. If you feel that way about your man then do yourself a favor: never let him go for anything.

 

And if anyone has any advice on long distance relationships, please share with me. People say they never work, but I think that if he and I could stay apart for almost a year without even thinking about someone else then I think we have a great chance.