Left my MM and trying to be strong

[reachingskywards]

Hi guys

 

 

Just to let you know that I broke up with my MM last Friday. We had planned a last rendezvous as a send off…at a nice hotel.

 

It was going really well but then he mentioned that he’s looking at plans for his new house. It made me hurt because all this time he had been giving me a lot of stuff about how we’ve got the rest of our lives together and that I’m the only woman who means anything to him etc etc etc…(usual rubbish) So --- even though I was the one who broke it off – I felt betrayed and let down that while he painting me a picture about being together he was planning something that would make his relationship with his wife even more permanent. He would need to pay off a large mortgage etc etc When I complained he said that he ‘couldn’t have Di living in a dump’… geezzz

 

I’m so gullible. Why did I buy all the crap he dished out.

 

I was expecting that when I got back into work yesterday (Monday) that he would call and was glad that he didn’t.

 

But he called today. He was saying how long it had been since we’d last seen each other (4 days). I resisted temptation to suggest catching up or anything but did say I was giving him hugs over the phone (kick me, I know).

 

I was feeling really strong and confident – but now that he's called I’m not sure. I’m scared that he’s going to try to see me and I won’t be able to resist. I'll tell msyelf that there's no harm in having a coffee (or something like that) and then..... It's taken me a lot of effort to get this far. I don't want to go backwards... I'm trying to remember all the times I felt let down by him... If I can get through the next six weeks without backsliding I think I'll be OK -- but have to see him next week at a work related training day.

 

I think I need some counselling or something.

 

I need to get him out of my life and out of my head.

 

Sky

[Papillon]

Good for you. It was going to end up in heartbreak, anyway.

[leilab]

Seems like this is the week of OW dumping their MM. Is is the shack or are the OW just getting smarter? You are great for taking that step. If we were all closer, I'd say we all have a party to celebrate. We could put up pictures of all our MM and have a dart tournament!!

 

I say counseling is o.k. but it really depends on the counselor. If you do go, definitely pick a woman - I tried the male version and basically guys just don't understand women that well. Going to the counselor is kind of like going to the doctor - you get a lot more out of it when you have some idea what is going on with yourself. In other words, if you know why you got involved with a MM (self esteem, issues from childhood, etc) then you can work with them to resolve a particular issue.

 

Therefore, I have been reading a lot of books with different perspectives. To give me ideas on the who, what, when, where and why of my involvement. Also, when you start analyzing yourself, you take the focus of MM and put in on yourself. Where it should be - since we always put MM at the center of our thinking.

 

Good luck my friend.

[reachingskywards]

Leila or others -- if there are any good books you could recommend please let me know. I'd be keen on reading up more about it. I figure you usually get a lot more out of a book than from a counselling session and for about a third the price.

 

I've mentioned this before, but I read this book called... 'How to break an addiction to a person' and thought it was excellent.

 

Thanks heaps...

 

Sky

[Fancy]

Originally posted by reachingskywards

 

I'll tell msyelf that there's no harm in having a coffee (or something like that) and then.....

 

Au contraire, there's much harm in having coffee. That'll be a perfect opportunity for him to work his magic on you. If it's over, let it be over. Please take it from someone who learned the hard way.

 

It makes no difference what he tells you. Pay attention to what he does. That reflects where his heart lies. He can say he loves you, misses you, blah, blah, blah, but what's he doing about it? Let me answer that for you. He's planning a new house with his wife! Does that sound like a man who's standing by his words to you? Not at all.

 

He will hurt you and use you only as long as you allow it. If you cut him off completely he'll no longer be able to make your life miserable. The mistake so many OW make is that they don't ride the pain out. This isn't going to go away overnight. You've got a little suffering to go through, but as long as you keep in contact with this liar, you will never know a moment's peace. Trust me on that.

[reachingskywards]

Hi Fancy

 

I think you're right. I thought I was doing enough just breaking up from him. He's been calling me twice a day for the last 4 days just to say hello etc etc. The last couple of nights we've had long long conversations about life, the universe and everything.

 

It's messing with my head and keeping me emotionally involved. We only broke up a week ago and it almost doesn't feel like we broke up at all. I realise I can't go on like this. But it also feels good in many ways.. I can't deny that.

 

Just then as I was writing this he called me -- and I asked him not to call me any more - esp at home. I didn't say not to contact me at all -- but ... it was the best I could do.

 

I just realized that I think I have a hard time saying anything that may make someone feel unwanted. I guess because I had always felt unwanted as a child... and even now. My mum used to always tell me that 'no man will want you .. (if you don't clean up your room, or do the dishes etc..)'. And if someone invited me over she would say that they're just doing that to be polite -- they don't really want you to come over.

 

With my MM I virtually bent over backwards to make him feel wanted him even though I was breaking up with him. It was a ' I want you but know I can't have you' kind of thing. I wish I could just tell him to 'shove off' or 'go home to your wife' or something.

 

This is tough... but i realise that unless I completely get him out of my life I'll never be able to move on.

 

Sky

[Becks84]

I second the counseling idea!! You've made the first and most difficult steps on your own, but you may need help to continue going forward.

Good for you! Stay away from him, for good, and I promise you that you will someday feel so strong and proud of yourself! It could be a whole new wonderful feeling and life for you

[Chrissy21]

Reachingskywards:

 

I cannot believe that you called it off with your MM. That's great but I'm sure that you're not feeling that way right now. I'm sure that you're really hurt and sad. Especially when he's already planning on making life better for his wife by building her a new house. Ouch that has to hurt!

 

I think that your awesome and brave. I could only hope to have half the strength you possess. I bet that you're goinng to meet a really great guy and be really happy. You deserve happiness for all that you have been through.

 

Good Luck

[Fancy]

I'll tag along here and say I totally agree about the counseling. Your issue isn't the married man. Your issue is why you continually recreate childhood scenarios in the hopes of finally fulfilling a desire to be loved and accepted. I strongly urge you to go out immediately and pick up the book "The Journey From Abandonment To Healing" by Susan Anderson. When you read it you'll think the book was written especially for you. I've read it and so have others on this board and I promise you, it will help.

 

This guy is playing you like a fiddle because he knows he can. You are allowing it. If you want to stop hurting, change your phone number, block him from IMs and emails and concentrate on you. Otherwise, get used to this sick, horrible feeling because you'll have it for a long time to come.

[Yadda39]

I just want to say one thing. IF this man wanted a divorce, any MM for that matter, hell nor high water would keep them from getting one. People get divorces everyday. Any woman who allows herself to be "used" in this way needs to get out fast!

 

We all deserve better than this. Don't you think you deserve to have someone who is 100% yours? I think I do.

 

Good luck with this. You can do it. Just for once, think of what is best for YOU, not him or anyone else...just YOU. And you will see what you need to do.

 

The only way to get over this guy is to CUT all ties with him. And I mean ALL of them. Look around out there for someone who is single. They are out there.

[shadylady]

I read this thread, and I'm sitting here crying. No big deal, I cry nearly every day anymore. I could tell my whole story, but you've heard it all before. The only thing different about mine is that I was initially invited into the relationship by my MM AND his wife. They have a somewhat open marriage, with rules, and we basically got 'permission' to be together. But as I said there were rules, and he and I started breaking them almost the moment they were spelled out. Just over a year later I find myself in a horribly pained emotional state. Plus, I remain very good friends with his wife, which is a whole other torturous situation.

 

Anyway, I'm sure you can see why I am losing my freaking mind. My bad news is, I have definitely broken it off with him...I just haven't told him yet. I just can't. I've tried before and he says something along the lines of, "I understand how hard it is for you, but why trade something wonderful and special some of the time, for nothing at all, all the time." It seems he has a point, as I always seem to buy it completely. Until he is not in the same room with me and especially when I know that he is not with me, but with HER. I am a miserable person to think of and refer to my friend as 'HER'. No wonder I'm going crazy.

 

He's the most wonderful man I've ever met (aside from that whole cheating-on-his-wife thing--like that's no big deal at all--see, I'm definitely going crazy). He is hilarious, and exciting and smart and generous and, well, just like me. He is supportive and kind and hardworking and fun and...god, I can't go down this road again. He is my very best friend, knows me better than anyone, though I can't get anywhere near knowing him as well as I want to. He is hands down the BEST lover I have ever had, and I'm telling you when he lays his hands on me, even just a slight squeeze on the shoulder, all the horror in the world melts away and everything, EVERYTHING, is just dandy again. I can't confront him. I rehearse my lines for 3 days, angry, bitter, disdainful words. And then I'm standing in front of him, and he says, "Baby, I know your sad, what can I do?" And instead of saying, "Leave your wife, spend your life with me, I can't bear another minute without you!", I say, "I'm fine, honey, I just needed to be close to you again."

 

I just want so badly to rid myself of him, but then he is there, and I think "how could I (and why would I) ever want to end feeling the way I feel when we are together". It's like a funhouse in here. Just when I think I'm going to get through to fresh, clean air, I smack head first into an unbreakable glass version of myself, and then I'm too dizzy and confused to find the door.

 

One more little nuance in my scenario. They've been having a lot of problems, about which they BOTH confide in me. Literally, they'll have a huge fight, and while I'm on the phone comforting him, she'll beep in! That's right, I'm going crazy. Anything, any advice you might have. Talk soon.

 

shady