Hurt, I dont understand!

[Omei]

So me and my SO have been going on strong for 4 years, and this is silly a bit of face-book drama, I don't have FB.

 

 

I know my BF has *never* cheated on me, there really is never a window of me not knowing what hes doing or where he is.

 

Recently my bf had a sexual dream about his Ex and told me about it, this doesn't bother me at all as we all have sex ex dreams sometimes and cannot help it but I asked him not to tell me because I didn't really want the image and I never tell him about mine so yeah I just like it that way.

 

Anyway a few days after she contacted him on FB asking him if he would start texting her this bugs me because every so often she does this and he declines, I read her FB page because I had a feeling things with her relationship were not well and yes I was right in that thinking, shes removed her BF off her FB and she pretty much posts everything thats wrong with them on her wall and this is also around the time she text's my SO, so i'm figuring shes looking for some male, any male(as i guess she talks to many more) male attention.

 

Many times though our relationship she's said hey lets be friends and etc to my bf and hes always declined, I am not comfortable with them being friends because I know shes one of those girls that trys to get every mans fancy even if they're taken.(and stuff shes said in the past) Anyway my bf's declined many of times but now its 4 years into our relationship and today I suggested "why don't you just block her?" and he says "I'm not that petty/childish" and I continue to tell him that its been 4 years now and she still hasn't gotten the message of *no* and that id be happy if he did because it doesn't feel good knowing there's a girl out there gunning for my bfs attention when stuff's not going well with her bf, I continue to add that none of my ex's contact me whatever may be going on in there life because we're not friends anymore and i've closed that window.

 

No matter how many times my BF's said no every once and a while she tries to contact him and I do think shes not getting the picture.

 

But my SO thinks i'm being dramatic over it (i don't feel that way I asked in a calm respectful manner) and he's mad at me for not trusting him when ive clearly said that I do, but *shes not getting the msg* and i wish he'd enforce it since she's not. He storms off and says im being a freakout. (i don't think so)

 

I just don't understand? why is it a big deal? why is it sooooo unreasonable to ask? why does he feel like im accusing him of distrust when I clearly stated my reasons?

 

Was I wrong to ask?

Edited September 18, 2011 by Omei

[englishboy]

I think thats a fair point you made to him. If she means absolutely nothing to him ie. not even friends, then considering you two have been going 4 years, I see no reason why he wouldn't delete her to save you all the unnecessary worry. I wouldn't like it if there was someone lingering around trying to get attention from my gf.

 

I think considering she is meaningless to him, I see no reason why he wouldn't get rid of her completely. I think I would do the same for my gf so I know her mind would be clear and it wouldn't ever need to brought up between us again. I wouldn't want something so small to cause a big issue when it doesn't have to.

 

Best of luck for you both

[Omei]

Doesn't matter much now he went on a rampage about numerous past things and broke up with me blocked and hung up on me.....I thought we were fine but I guess not.

 

I think im so hurt that he can do this to me after all we shared if he comes back with an "i miss you" im gonna avoid contact for a while this is the 2nd time this week he's tossed me away and taken me back now I wont play this game no matter how much i care about him, not gonna be trapped into trying to act perfect in fear of him breaking up with me.:( Hurting so bad I love him so much but hes hurting us right now. 4 years! how can he give up so easy!

Edited September 19, 2011 by Omei

[wild_urge]

Omei, I'm sorry for what you are going through, I hope that he's going to come to his senses soon.

I have a similar situation, although it is not exactly the same. I posted here a few months ago because I found some e-mails between my bf and a girl in his e-mail that bothered me a lot, the way they talked, the fact that he hid them, the fact that he even changed his password plus I'm not there I thought there was something on for sure ( and I still have some doubts ). Anyways, I talked to him about it and he said that they are only friends ( he was studying abroad, so he didn't have many friends, so I do understand that in a way). He told me that he only loves me and he would never do something to hurt me. I had to believe him, what else could i do, but I was ( and still am) really hurt, so I asked him to stop any contact with her. He gave me his new e-mail password, but later on he changed it again, but I thought that he did it because he felt that I am spying on him and didn't like the idea much. Anyways, this summer when we were together, I found out that he's still talking to that girl, I could see it in his phone history and I read an e-mail ( he's still deleting them !!! ), but I admit the e-mail was completely friendly. I asked him, without telling him what I have found out if he's still talking to her and he said no. He was doing one year intensive program, so he's no longer in that country, he spent the whole summer with me. I asked him recently, why is he still talking to her when I asked him NOT to because it's hurting me ( I literally drives me crazy when I think about it ) and he was like "I feel imprisoned with you, I have no feeling for that girl, can't I have friends?" , now of course, i think ok, but I don't hide my friends! Anyways, my point was that however my situation is not the same as yours, I too cannot see why he wants to be friends with her, when I made it obvious that it hurts me and I seem to think that since I have asked him, and I should be the most significant person in his life, he should do it. . .

He keeps saying that I non-stop want to control him, does your boyfriend ever say that ? You know how all people like to be autonomous, may be the fact that you are demanding that he does it makes him want to rebel, thinking that he can control the situation well enough without you telling him what to do . . .

I am not sure what kind of advise to give you, I don't think that it is appropriate of him to break up with you for something so insignificant, but I guess that may be there is something that they feel that we cannot understand and just have to accept as long as there is no cheating involved.

Good luck

[Omei]

He keeps saying that I non-stop want to control him, does your boyfriend ever say that ? You know how all people like to be autonomous, may be the fact that you are demanding that he does it makes him want to rebel, thinking that he can control the situation well enough without you telling him what to do . . .

I am not sure what kind of advise to give you, I don't think that it is appropriate of him to break up with you for something so insignificant, but I guess that may be there is something that they feel that we cannot understand and just have to accept as long as there is no cheating involved.

Good luck

 

Yes my SO says that as well personally I feel like my demands are very minimal to what other girls would demand and I put up with some things that other people would have long long left over, I am his first sometimes i wonder if he says im controlling just so he doesn't have to deal with any problem he says I have too many *feelings* to me lately he seems to think about nothing but the cons of us more than the pro's and bickers that are happening shouldn't be.

[Omei]

He's been gone for 2 days I don't know how to be right now, scared.

[Els]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

I think he has been making the classic mistake of bottling up all his dissatisfactions and feelings about the relationship, and this argument, rightfully or wrongfully so, caused him to just explode. I don't think you were wrong in this case in particular, though I would have advised you to pick your battles. I know it's easy to say 'If they love me, why won't they give up this and that for me?', but where does it stop? What about a female friend who -might- be interested in him, should he block her too?

 

Regardless, that is for you to decide. And whether it was right or wrong for you to do that, it was still wrong for him to bottle up all his problems and then just unleash it in one burst when a new problem comes along. Again, only you can decide whether or not you played a part in causing the other problems, we can't tell. There was a time during my relationship with the bf where I couldn't understand why he was blowing up when I was 'talking nicely to him' about issues I had about us. I then realized, a few months down the line, that I was talking about those issues practically every day. No matter how 'nice' the delivery is, no guy wants to be 'talking about that' every single day.. and I was just creating some of those issues in my head, I realized. I stopped that, and he himself did things to repair our R of his own accord.

 

Best of luck!

[Omei]

Really scared im so emotional over this i cant sleep or eat or pay atten to work! what do I do?! hes made it so i cant contact him. He says we're broken up, then he says we're on a break or broken up again......he logged on for 5 mins to see if "I was okay" i feel like im being dragged about like a rag doll. what does this mean? I am very tempted to fly out for a day to see him.

[Els]

{{{Omei}}}

 

What did you say to him when he 'checked in' on you and what did he respond with?

[pvm]

Although this is a hard time for your mind and emotions right now, look at the bigger picture. You are alive. You are free. You can move on. I normally do not give advice but since my three closest friends are women and they all praise me and thank me for the advice I have given them all in the past, I want to give you this insight:

I do not know your age

I do not know what you look like

What I do know is that right know, you are hurt and like any hurt being, we feel defenseless and vulnerable.

You are not.

I am a 41 year old man with a 26 year old wife and a 6 year old little girl so this advice is from a fathers/friends/brothers/husbands point of view so you get all the facets:

This boy is a boy. Save face and stand tall. Right now. Contact him however you are able to right now and simply write him this:

"Thank you for the time we spent together. It was truly a learning experience that shall carry with me for years to come. Take care of yourself"

and sign your name.

Now, here comes the hard part...

It WILL hurt. You WILL cry. Let it. It is a healing process that is healthy. Sometimes, it is better to hurt once ALL AT ONCE rather than drag the pain out for weeks. Think of it like a dentists visit; If you had to go and get more than one filling or extraction would you rather go three times or once?

Now, as you begin to heal, remember how you were PRIOR to when you began dating this boy. When you remember, revert back to that and build from there. It is like cleaning out your computer after its been infected with a virus and you go back to when you created a "restore point".

Take a nice long bath. Eat bad food. Cry. Heal. Its a process but its a start. By sending him this letter and then standing behind that decision "100%" and I mean "100%", you gave yourself respect and confidence will build from there. Life is a ever constant moving form where things change. Most importantly on this earth is YOU and that is just the way you NEED to think. There is NOTHING selfish about loving yourself. It is imperative for you to love yourself first before loving anyone else. This is a fact.

Think of all the things that "define" exactly "who" you are and be that woman again. Listen to your favorite band. Watch your favorite movie no matter how bad it is (hell I think "dead poets society" is the best movie, beat that?!). Wear your favorite pair of socks. You get the picture. Get out there and do the things that make YOU happy. Do not EVER live your happiness through the emotions of anyone else. If you do, then this is the constant recourse you will have for the rest of your life involving relationships. Change it around now. It took me 27 years to figure this out and believe me, it gets harder to change with every passing year so change now. Remember, you are beautiful its not a slogan its a fact.

[Omei]

{{{Omei}}}

 

What did you say to him when he 'checked in' on you and what did he respond with?

 

 

He was like "just checking on you making sure you're okay"

 

and this was the day after he broke it off with me, and I said

 

"are you here to check on me then go for good? because that would hurt even more giving me false hope."

 

and he go's "I still want to be on a break, hope you feel better soon, bye"

 

And by all this im confused he broke up with me but then the next day said break* so is it a break or is it over? im a bit confused and if its really over coming to check* on me was mean.

[Omei]

pvm you sound like a very strong person I have read your post and wish I could be like that it sounds quite tough.

[pvm]

It is thinking in that frame of mind that causes you failure.

Break that thought pattern of saying you are unsure of ANYTHING having to do with yourself. You ARE strong. You ARE important. You DESERVE happiness. You DESERVE love. This is the way you think now! If you enforce yourself to think in these terms, YOU WILL SUCCEED and learn a great deal about yourself in the process. The way to really see this is as follows:

You have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

What are you afraid of?

Being hurt?

Crying?

Feeling pain?

Feeling alone?

Lets face, in life there will always be some form of suffering and it is through that suffering that a new life is born. Not in the baby essence of new life but in a new life along the lines of a new way of thinking and feeling about yourself. A better way to live. You lose nothing. You gain everything and learn alot along the way.

Put your boots on and kick some ass for yourself!!!

[FitChick]

Why is this posted on the Long Distance forum? Shouldn't it be in Dating?

[TMichaels]

Why is this posted on the Long Distance forum? Shouldn't it be in Dating?

 

Because Omei is in a LDR relationship, that's why.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

Why aren't you two together by now? How often do you see each other in a year? At some point one of you has to move. Otherwise, what is the point? Sounds like he just got fed up and wants a relationship with someone he can actually be with.

[Els]

He was like "just checking on you making sure you're okay"

 

and this was the day after he broke it off with me, and I said

 

"are you here to check on me then go for good? because that would hurt even more giving me false hope."

 

and he go's "I still want to be on a break, hope you feel better soon, bye"

 

And by all this im confused he broke up with me but then the next day said break* so is it a break or is it over? im a bit confused and if its really over coming to check* on me was mean.

 

Hi, Omei. Hope you're feeling a little better...

 

He did not even want to discuss things further? What were his reasons for the 'break', did the two of you hash that out thoroughly in your previous conversation? It's difficult to give advice without knowing the details, but I just wanted to send out lots of hugs to you - I've been there, we've all been there, and it sucks. We're here for you.

[HeavenOrHell]

That sounds a bit harsh and judgemental, obviously they have their reasons for not moving closer to each other. Sounds like you've never been in her, or my or many of the other people's here situation where is is not straight forward to move, you said to me in another post you'd be happy to move, nothing major holding you back there, that is your situation but it is not the same for everyone, so please don't judge others just because if you were in an LDR you would be able to move.

Some of us stay with our partners even if we are living apart indefinitely, we love each other, and it's worth it for the time we spend together, and for the closeness and bond we feel, and all the things we share even when we're not together, *that* is the point.

 

Why aren't you two together by now? How often do you see each other in a year? At some point one of you has to move. Otherwise, what is the point? Sounds like he just got fed up and wants a relationship with someone he can actually be with.

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry to hear about this Omei Please keep us updated (((((((hugs)))))

[Omei]

So sorry to hear about this Omei Please keep us updated (((((((hugs)))))

 

thanks, he spoke to me said he needed time to remember what was keeping us together, there's been very few happy days lately and whenever we bicker he says everything just gets worse we've been pushing each other away and bickering instead of just being happy. I honestly don't know how we got to this place im glad he talked to me he said he had to decide I still don't really know whats going on with him but we do bicker a lot and there has been some major issues that ive never explained here but i guess it took its toll? he said it was hard to stay away.......im really hurt im trying to not show how hurt i am because i dont wanna make a problem but im pretty scared, scared he'll change his mind again, disappearing and leaving me to wonder and freak out like that was unfair I feel like i somewhat pushed it to that point he says no...i don't know my heads so mushy. He says we're gonna push through this together but im very worried he says he's unstable right now with everything thats going on in his life...has anyone been through this where there partner after being together for a long time just wasn't sure anymore?

 

And yes while we've been together for 4 years we have and do visit often we're in our im 25 he 21 and there's so much we both have to finish before uprooting.........we want to we do.......but we're not ready.

[Els]

((((hugs))))

 

Bf and I did go through a similar rough spot, that I spoke about earlier in this thread. I think a long series of 'bad days' can do that to many people. Tigress posted a thread in another forum, about 'living a relationship and enjoying it' instead of just 'talking and talking about it'. The latter can easily be a death knell, although balance should certainly be aimed for. It struck a chord with me in relation to my previous problems.