Begged him to wait and see if things get better, anyone has been in this?

[Pyrannaste]

Hi,

my bf and I were about to break up....

I posted about it a few days ago,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38394/

the link is just for background if anyone is wondering. But I guess background does not mean a lot.

 

Yesterday on the phone my boyfriend seemed sure about breaking up.

He said he is not angry with me, he'd like to be friends, it has no sense going on with the relatioship and if he stayed with me it would be convenient for him but not for me, because he might dump me for a girl whom he thinks he could have a good relationship with if he meets her.

 

He said he can have no communication with me, I can show no emphaty to him, I am not interested enough in his own problems.

I asked him to help me learn how to be nearer to him, he said he wouldn't because it would be unfair and they are things that should come naturally.

 

I told him it is like when I told him some time ago that I'd love to get flowers, and I was very happy when I received some.

He said that I would have been happier if it had been natural of him to buy me flowers without me asking, and I replied no way, it was just I couldn't expect you to figure it out.

 

(I know that comparing teaching someone how to show interest in the right way in the other person's problems to asking your boyfriend to get you flowers if it was important to you to get some is silly, they are noth things of the right proportion but no better comparison came to my mind).

 

He said that I am not my real self when I am around him which sometimes is true.

 

He also said that lately even if he was not doing anything to trigger my jealousy I would still act like he was doing something wrong. I guess he is very true here, I felt very hurt for something that happened a couple of months before and I would have some jealousy outbursts.

 

Well, I begged him to wait a month and see if things got better.

 

Finally he agreed

-hey, look at me, I earned myself a month's time with pure emotional blackmail-

so here I have a month to try to be my old self again, the one he was in love with.

 

To show him I can be the person he got to love some time ago and not the hysterical b*tch ha has seen lately.

 

Sounds like an hopeless attempt, I know. I guess it will probably time wasted.

I guess things won't get better, but having the chance to make them better, even if it's the slightest chance, is already great to me. Makes me feel not hopeless and impotent.

 

I guess that if in a month things won't be okay(very probably), I'll still feel better than if we dumped yesterday.

 

What if while I am at it I also ask myself what I really want from a relationship?

 

I'd love to know if anyone here has ever begged some time to try make things better. And expecially if anyone who tried was successful.

 

Also, how do you learn to show emphaty to your partner????

[CurlyIam]

I can't think of how you could "learn" to be more empathic. Pay much more attention to his state of min,shed, try to understand why he feels in a certain way -if you can, I remember a thread when a woman (Honkey I believe)was so scared because of her husband being very preocupied one day, she even thought he wanted to tell he was leaving... actuallyhisfavourite sport te

[CurlyIam]

I can't think of how you could "learn" to be more empathic. Pay much more attention to his state of mind, try to understand why he feels in a certain way -if you can, 'cause I remember a thread when a woman (Honkey I believe) was so scared because of her husband being very preocupied one day, she even thought he wanted to tell her he was leaving... actually his favourite sport team had lost a game .

 

I wish you luck, but to make it work, both of you need to really want it, and to be devoted to it. Think very hard of what kind of relationship you want, not only about how special your boyfriend is. I admire you for this month you got, hope you'll make best use of it!

[sportsloving]

You "bought" yourself thirty more days...

 

Are you the only person who has anything that needs to be dealt with?

 

You said there was something a few months back that has brought out your jealous nature... has that been resolved and dealt with or is it pushed under the rug?

 

I understand the general concept. You are in love with him, you don't want to lose the relationship... but how much of yourself are you going to have to change in order to keep him? And are the things you are suppose to change, are they temporary items or something that makes you you?

 

I don't know how willing he is going to be to fixing the problems if you have admitted to black mailing him into more time. I know the pain of breaking up is very harsh but is it worth it to prolong it for 30 days knowing that he is just bidding time?

 

What happens after the time limit and it still doesn't work out? Are you going to feel guilty that it didn't work? Breaking up is already a dreadful thing, I hate to see you feeling guilty or it is all your fault when it ends.

 

It isn't just your responsibility to make a relationship work, it takes two. Are you the one who is expected to fix everything that might have gone wrong?

 

Whatever happens, I wish the best for you and hope things work out for the better.

[krbshappy71]

You wrote you wanted to go back to being the person he fell in love with. Perhaps try and remember what you were doing at that time. Did you have your own interests, hobbies? You may have inadvertanly given up yourself during your efforts to be with him. I would suggest taking this month to focus on YOU, developing YOUR self-worth so the jealousy stuff can subside, you can feel confident again, and BE that girl he loved. Often women focus so much on their new man they lose themselves. I have to MAKE myself not call my bf, not send him numerous emails, and focus on keeping my own life interests. If I didn't do this, I would become completely wrapped up in him and forget about myself. The problem with that is, I become much more sensitive to his every little mood....every "silence" I interpret as "we never talk anymore" or "is he mad at me?" whereas when I remain secure in my own life I am not sucked into this stuff.

 

I recently went through a phase where I realized I was losing myself. It was pretty scary to know I was messing things up for us but not knowing how to fix it. I was sabotaging the very thing I wanted so badly. I forced myself to step back and focus on myself again and it has helped. WHEW. Try it, you have nothing to lose. If you and him do not work out, you will be able to handle it better if you have spent time getting stronger. (emotionally)

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by sportsloving

 

 

Are you the only person who has anything that needs to be dealt with?

 

Wish i knew :(

 

You said there was something a few months back that has brought out your jealous nature... has that been resolved and dealt with or is it pushed under the rug?

 

Well...I guess half and half.

 

I used to have big issues with the fraternity he used to be in.

I described these big issues in my very first post to loveshack:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35828/?highlight=fraternity

Well, about two months ago went to a fraternity meeting, which was supposed to be his last fraternity meeting for a long time, basically to leave the fraternity and pass to the status of no longer active fraternity member.

(fraternity rituals and stuff)

He half did it for me -I was dead jealous of that stuff- and half because...hell, it was time, he is 32 and you can't stick to a frat at 32.

Well on this very evening one girl was joining the frat so there was this girl who got all naked for three hours and had to do some silly stuff.

He stayed there while this happened, knowing that normally it would be a deal breaker to me and I expected him to leave if some girl was going to be around there naked for hours.

It hurt me a lot, and I mean a lot.

Also, some girls in his fraternity kissed him briefly on the lips , as a symbolic gesture.

 

Well, I stayed with him because I thought ..hell, he was leaving his bloody frat.

I'd be idiotic...I got what I hoped for a couple of years, now I'll stop having real problems with him.....I can forgive him.

 

When I asked him that night when he got back home (I couldn't sleep), did any of those girls get naked, he told me, and he said he was hurt that my main concern was just myself, that he felt like **** because they were his friends, he had basically said bye to them.

 

I though okay, I can forgive him, I can understand him shuddering(figurately) and thinking: to hell with my gf, I'm saying bye to my friends, leaving the frat, if this one night I see some skin she will live through it. or perhaps he didn't even think about me. that i understand.

 

Well, I guess that I resent him NOT ever saying sorry about that episode.

I don't really know if he should have....but I couldn't get over that. kept calling his frat friends sluts.

 

I guess I should have heard a 'hey, sorry I hurt you' spoken aloud to get really over that episode.

I guess it's stupid.....hell, that night he sort of left the fraternity.

I should have let that anger go.

but yet.....I hate those girls. I wish to see them dead.... I'd love them to suffer from their last breath, as elle driver from kill bill says

 

(hey, i know they did not mean to do anything to me. it's not their fault. yet, I feel pure hate towards them)

 

A few days ago he saw his frat friends and I was hysterical even if they were in a public place.

 

I understand the general concept. You are in love with him, you don't want to lose the relationship... but how much of yourself are you going to have to change in order to keep him? And are the things you are suppose to change, are they temporary items or something that makes you you?

 

I think that once I get over my jealousy, I'll become again that nice lovely person I used to be. This, unless he finds my expectations too big, and me a controlling girlfriend.

I don't know how willing he is going to be to fixing the problems if you have admitted to black mailing him into more time. I know the pain of breaking up is very harsh but is it worth it to prolong it for 30 days knowing that he is just bidding time?

 

 

I think that even things don't work, I'll feel better if we break up a month later. at least I'll have tried.

 

Whatever happens, I wish the best for you and hope things work out for the better.

 

thank you very much, and thanks a million for posting. really.

I really appreciate it. It helped a lot, I'll think about some answers I got to my post in the next month.

[Pyrannaste]

krbshappy71, that was excellent advice!!!!

yes, I guess i've been losing myself.

I did the big mistake of putting this relationship at the centre of my universe.

I have very little free time that I spent with my bf. I lost some friends to see my boyfriend (not that he asked me to, it's just that I had little free time.

My happiness depended on how the relationship went....

thanks, really.

[sportsloving]

Ahhh well the frat thing I do not understand. He is 32 and still goes to the meetings and watches naked women and gets kissed? Hmmm. I would have been full blown upset also. I mean it is one thing when you are in college, and its the "right of passage" but it is a whole another thing when he is no longer in school to be a part of it.

 

I don't know that I would freak if he saw them in public though. And if he has taken steps to exit himself from those situations, perhaps you did get through. Now all you have to do is remember that he is with you, he gave them up for you (in round about ways), and jealousy can hurt not only him but yourself. I wouldn't get to tied up about the girls unless they are calling him directly.

 

Is the jealousy the biggest contributor to breaking up?

 

You also stated you are upset that he didn't say he was sorry. I heard a few time that "Love means never having to say I am sorry". LOL. But when you love someone and you inadvertently hurt them, you want to say you are sorry. Perhaps he doesn't/didn't realize you needed the words. So forgive him this one.

 

I get to tied up in the small details at times, and my S/O will do something that he might not even realize he has done. If I point it out or make a huge deal out of it, by the time he might say he is sorry... I get upset cause it took him so long to figure it out. (Vicious ugly circles we create). But now I realize that sometimes not everyone feels the same about things as I do, so what is big to me, is small to someone else. Pick your battles... don't let this be a mini war

 

I wish you tons and loads of luck. Let the jealousy of the frat girls go, they aren't worth your time. He is with you, and that is all that matters.

[meanon]

I haven't read all your threads but did read the last one. Some of the things you expect of him sound very reasonable to me. There is no future in a relationship in which you are not able to compromise and reach agreement together on things which are important to you both. It sounds to me as though you have not, for whatever reason, been able to do this together and as a result you are giving him constant negative feedback about his failure to meet your expectations which he perceives as you acting like a jealous shrew.

 

The 30 days is fine but only if you manage to find a way to negotiate on the ground rules. It sounds as though you think he has a point in terms of your behaviour. Maybe you could suggest that if you can back off for 30 days you expect him in turn to go some way towrds meeting your concerns so that you feel both feel more comfortable and secure within the relationship.

[meanttolive4ever]

yea my ex did the same...i was like lets just give this another shot...and we did but he ended up breaking up anyways...thats alright...cause karma always comes back around

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by meanon

I haven't read all your threads but did read the last one. Some of the things you expect of him sound very reasonable to me.

 

Thank you very much meanon.

This makes me feel a lot better.....

I really needed the opinion of someone I don't know in person, because my friends with whom I talked and I think that what I expect is very normal, while my boyfriend thinks I ask very much and I am unreasonable in some of those things... he once plainly stated that "a normal person would not tolerate such bullsh*t and would have already dumped me long ago". He also said that his friend would say the very same thing if he asked them.

So, friend's opinions don't count, they would take sides.

I needed to know if strangers would tend to think more like me or like him.

 

There is no future in a relationship in which you are not able to compromise and reach agreement together on things which are important to you both. It sounds to me as though you have not, for whatever reason, been able to do this together and as a result you are giving him constant negative feedback about his failure to meet your expectations which he perceives as you acting like a jealous shrew.

 

I think this is very true. I really hope we'll reach an agreement.

I also got the idea that one of the reasons why I always sound like a jealous shrew is that he seems to be never jealous of *anything*.

He said that he would not have a problem if I got naked in my fraternity(which I'd never do).

Well actually he acted jealous a couple of times.... once a guy asked for my e-mail address in a forum and my bf was jealous, even if he did not ask me NOT to give out my email address. (which I didn't anyway).He also acted jealous when a couple of friends of mine (one of them extremely good looking) seemed very interested in me. (I informed them that I was in loved with my boyfriend, told my bf that if he wanted I'd have stopped contact with them(he did not want me to), never met them in person if my bf was not there, ignored some of their phone calls and did not go in personal subjects talking with them).

 

this wicked thought once crossed my mind..... if I allowed myself to get in situations where he'd be jealous (which I avoid) and then behaved *very* well, I would not sound anymore like a jealous shrewd.

I'd never do it though, it sounds like....manipulating and I hate the thought of it.

Also, I am no longer 14.

 

The 30 days is fine but only if you manage to find a way to negotiate on the ground rules. It sounds as though you think he has a point in terms of your behaviour.

 

One thing I already promised him, that I am never ever again going to call his frat friends the horrible names I've been calling them.

And I'm doing anything to let go a few things that hurt me but *belong to the past*. (Even if some of them were not resolved, I just sucked them up.)

I'm also going not to be bitchy to him when he is not doing anything that is *really*upsetting me.

And I'll do anything to get rid of all the anger that packed up in time.

This is something that I *really* should do, and that is very just i do.

 

I think that next month all I'll concentrate in are *his* ground rules. after all, he's the one who wanted to dump me. If things will look better, I might talk about my own ground rules if I feel the need to.

I hope it is the right approach.

 

Right now I'm trying not to react bad when he's cold on the phone or ignores me on msn messenger, or acts a little jerkish.

 

Maybe you could suggest that if you can back off for 30 days you expect him in turn to go some way towrds meeting your concerns so that you feel both feel more comfortable and secure within the relationship.

 

It's probably too early to say anything like that. If I said that now, he'd be pissed off.

 

thank you very much for your advice, which will be precious.

[meanttolive4ever]

maybe you all should date people that way if things dont work out with the other people you all could get back together and try again

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by sportsloving

Ahhh well the frat thing I do not understand. He is 32 and still goes to the meetings and watches naked women and gets kissed? Hmmm. I would have been full blown upset also.

 

So it really is the normal reaction and not just me...

*relieved*

I mean it is one thing when you are in college, and its the "right of passage" but it is a whole another thing when he is no longer in school to be a part of it.

 

Exactly what I thought.

 

Yesterday on the phone i told him that I was very wrong all the times I said that his fraternity is a bunch of perverts and sluts(I actually said way worse stuff), I'm going to stop doing that.

(he wisely told me "if you are insulting my fraternity you are insulting me too,because it's apart of my life". that was something to think about.)

I told him that I am not judging him a pervert or anything for having been in that fraternity, even if I called him so out of anger, I was very wrong insulting him, and that if he is not going to put himself in certain situations(naked frat girls and so on) while he is with me, I don't mind what happens in his fraternity because it's their own business.

I would have never dreamt of calling those girls sluts just because they got naked, I did only because they did it in front of my bf.

 

I don't know that I would freak if he saw them in public though.

 

Seeing them in public= going with his frat to a restaurant or a pub or in any other place where law would not allow any of them to get neked:)

 

I think that after some time I won't mind it at all him going out with them. I hope at least.

It's hard thinking: hey, he's in company of ladies who did that kind of sh*t in fron of him. Hes' out with them and he knows the shape of tehir breasts and how they keep pubic hair. the thought gnaws at me:(

 

And if he has taken steps to exit himself from those situations, perhaps you did get through. Now all you have to do is remember that he is with you, he gave them up for you (in round about ways), and jealousy can hurt not only him but yourself. I wouldn't get to tied up about the girls unless they are calling him directly.

 

I'll do my best

 

Is the jealousy the biggest contributor to breaking up?

 

yes, because it's what has turned me in an insecure demanding person.

 

You also stated you are upset that he didn't say he was sorry. I heard a few time that "Love means never having to say I am sorry". LOL. But when you love someone and you inadvertently hurt them, you want to say you are sorry. Perhaps he doesn't/didn't realize you needed the words. So forgive him this one.

 

It happened quite a few times.....he does something that he should not have (at least in my-and average woman's-opinion), I get angry, he gets defensive, blames it on me and calls me jealous/nagging/ selfish.

I think he only gets defensive, and does not mean it.

 

I wish you tons and loads of luck. Let the jealousy of the frat girls go, they aren't worth your time. He is with you, and that is all that matters.

 

thanks....really!!!!