hissunshine Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I am having a very hard time getting MM to stop making promises he can't keep. He doesn't seem to understand that saying he will do something and then backing out is worst than not making the promise in the first place. Then he gets mad when I call him out on it! For example, there have been countless weekends that he has made plans to see me but there are things that ALWAYS come up. So finally I said there are no more plans that will be made on the weekends because it screws my weekends up too much. He didn't like this.... It's almost like he likes keeping me "on ice" in spite of the fact that he says he hates hurting me like this... Does your MM do this too? Does he call when he says he'll call, text when he says he'll text and keep plans he has made with you? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Come on now, what do you really expect from a guy who made one of the most serious and solemn promises one can make to anyone, and that was the vows he made to his WIFE (to honor, cherish, forsake all others for, etc)? If he could not keep a promise to the woman he stood before God, family and friends and declared that promise to, who the heck do you think you are and why you're so special? And of COURSE things come up, where have you been? He has a WIFE and you're nothing more than his dirty little secret. Wakey wakey! Amen to this!!! I remembered when I was in the middle of that crap!!! It was excuse after excuse....I have the book of excuses from my xMW. Go live your life and he has a wife. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I am having a very hard time getting MM to stop making promises he can't keep. He doesn't seem to understand that saying he will do something and then backing out is worst than not making the promise in the first place. Then he gets mad when I call him out on it! For example, there have been countless weekends that he has made plans to see me but there are things that ALWAYS come up. So finally I said there are no more plans that will be made on the weekends because it screws my weekends up too much. He didn't like this.... It's almost like he likes keeping me "on ice" in spite of the fact that he says he hates hurting me like this... Does your MM do this too? Does he call when he says he'll call, text when he says he'll text and keep plans he has made with you? Thanks! Maybe you should stop believing his promises. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I don't think this is usual, nor unusual. It's unacceptable though, definitely. What do you intend to do about it? Don't let the cycle continue. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I am having a very hard time getting MM to stop making promises he can't keep. If your sister, friend, or even a single guy made plans with you and kept breaking them, how would you handle that? If they continued to break promises they've made, what would you do? Would you quit making plans with them? Would you quit believing their promises? What makes MM so special that he can continue to treat you this way and still get another chance next weekend? Ask yourself that. Make a list of what is so great about him that it makes this behavior acceptable. I think if you treat MM the same way you'd treat anyone else that broke plans/promises they made to you the situation will resolve itself. Link to post Share on other sites
20Seconds Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I am having a very hard time getting MM to stop making promises he can't keep. He doesn't seem to understand that saying he will do something and then backing out is worst than not making the promise in the first place. Then he gets mad when I call him out on it! For example, there have been countless weekends that he has made plans to see me but there are things that ALWAYS come up. So finally I said there are no more plans that will be made on the weekends because it screws my weekends up too much. He didn't like this.... It's almost like he likes keeping me "on ice" in spite of the fact that he says he hates hurting me like this... Does your MM do this too? Does he call when he says he'll call, text when he says he'll text and keep plans he has made with you? Thanks! Not exactly the same way but had the same effect. He used to leave things open until right at the last minute - e.g. he would say I should be able to meet up on x night, let's provisionally plan to do xyz. So I would keep x night free, and would have to wait until 5-6pm to find out if he would be able to make it. An absolutely soul destroying way to live when you get so little time together and you can;t wait to see them. Obviously it meant that I didn;t ever make any other plans so he could pick & choose when he saw me. And we had some big arguments about it, which never changed anything at all. The bolded part is the biggest indicator of the kind of person you are dealing with. He doesn't care that he hurts you. It just makes him feel better to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Would a single woman who is dating a single man put up with him keeping her hanging by a thread?.......keeping plans up in the air until the last minute?......making promises but breaking them consistently?........always having other priorities above her and time spent together? I would surely hope not......so why do mistresses put up with this kind of 2nd class citizen treatment and constantly being left in total limbo and waiting by the phone? Ask yourself why you are content to treated this way? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I am having a very hard time getting MM to stop making promises he can't keep. He doesn't seem to understand that saying he will do something and then backing out is worst than not making the promise in the first place. Then he gets mad when I call him out on it! For example, there have been countless weekends that he has made plans to see me but there are things that ALWAYS come up. So finally I said there are no more plans that will be made on the weekends because it screws my weekends up too much. He didn't like this.... It's almost like he likes keeping me "on ice" in spite of the fact that he says he hates hurting me like this... Does your MM do this too? Does he call when he says he'll call, text when he says he'll text and keep plans he has made with you? Thanks! I'm not with a married man, but one guy I had to nix recently was one who was inconsistent, always broke promises, I always felt like I was never a priority to him because he always seemed to break his promises and not come through as he said he would. I tried discussing it but realized it was a waste, it is either his personality or because he is not that into me...and neither of those are fixable. So I can either complain about it and stick around hoping he will change by divine intervention OR realize it's not what I like and tell him to go on about his business. I did the latter. Your married man's jig is a million year old jig that all kinds of people do all the time when they have a willing party who always tries to negotiate but essentially still sticks around, feels guilty for having some standards and will essentially continue to allow them to do as they wish. You think you are being firm and thinking about yourself by having these talks or telling him "okay no weekend plans" but essentially all you're saying is...your bad behavior is something I will continue to put up with. He realizes you may pout for a while and you may try to change things up, but he is still in control and can go back to doing what he wants when he wants as you won't be mad enough to dump him. *shrug*....that's the truth. I had to learn that the hard way, but I'm glad I learned it. Talk is cheap on his end and yours as well...there aren't any consequences for his behavior from you (no meaningful ones anyway) so you can talk 'til the cows come home and on his part he clearly talks and talks and then breaks his promises..... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Not exactly the same way but had the same effect. He used to leave things open until right at the last minute - e.g. he would say I should be able to meet up on x night, let's provisionally plan to do xyz. So I would keep x night free, and would have to wait until 5-6pm to find out if he would be able to make it. An absolutely soul destroying way to live when you get so little time together and you can;t wait to see them. Obviously it meant that I didn;t ever make any other plans so he could pick & choose when he saw me. And we had some big arguments about it, which never changed anything at all. The bolded part is the biggest indicator of the kind of person you are dealing with. He doesn't care that he hurts you. It just makes him feel better to say it. Amen to that! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Would a single woman who is dating a single man put up with him keeping her hanging by a thread?.......keeping plans up in the air until the last minute?......making promises but breaking them consistently?........always having other priorities above her and time spent together? I would surely hope not......so why do mistresses put up with this kind of 2nd class citizen treatment and constantly being left in total limbo and waiting by the phone? Ask yourself why you are content to treated this way? Unfortunately, it is not uncommon that single women do this with single guys. I have been guilty in the past. Hence, my take on dating married men is pretty much that it has many of the same issues that one sees in other dubious relationship dynamics, with the unavailable person being one of the classic examples. MM tend to be blatantly unavailable because of them being married while single men are also emotionally and sometimes physically unavailable but it is less obvious because they don't have a wife to show for it. But all in all the dynamics tend to play out similarly with one person feeling short changed and not completely satisfied with how things are. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 hissunshine, Reading your post made me choke up with a big lump in my throat. It brought back some still raw painful memories. Thing is, I have only myself to thank for that, by involving myself, in a place, that , I had no place. Key word here to keep in the forefront of your "logical" thinking, "Actions". Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I too feel sad reading your post. Why are you accepting this treatment? Why are you settling for this relationship? :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author hissunshine Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 I don't think this is usual, nor unusual. It's unacceptable though, definitely. What do you intend to do about it? Don't let the cycle continue. Oh I think the end is coming soon...Just working on building up the strength! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Are you afraid to stand up to him, tell him how he's treating you is wrong and you're sick of it? Don't let fear of his reaction (If I'm wrong, I'm sorry) hold you back from speaking up! (fear of reaction meaning, he might end the A with you or slow things down) Anyway, he doesn't care that much that he's hurting you. If he cared so much, he wouldn't hurt you like this PERIOD! Look how he's treating his wife by cheating on her with you .. He lies to her every single day, so obviously he's good at this game, to hide his affair, he's mastered how to selfishly manipulate. So, what makes you think he'd treat you any better than his own wife? Give that some thought. I hope you gain the strength to tell him goodbye, tell him you deserve better and more, that you know he's not capable of giving you what you want so it's best for him to exit your life for good. (Maybe one day you can do this!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author hissunshine Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Not exactly the same way but had the same effect. He used to leave things open until right at the last minute - e.g. he would say I should be able to meet up on x night, let's provisionally plan to do xyz. So I would keep x night free, and would have to wait until 5-6pm to find out if he would be able to make it. An absolutely soul destroying way to live when you get so little time together and you can;t wait to see them. Obviously it meant that I didn;t ever make any other plans so he could pick & choose when he saw me. And we had some big arguments about it, which never changed anything at all. The bolded part is the biggest indicator of the kind of person you are dealing with. He doesn't care that he hurts you. It just makes him feel better to say it. Aint that the truth! I think I have too many flakey people in my life because friends and family do this to me all the time. I just don't really care when they do it as I just go ahead and make other plans. The difference with MM is that I really want to spend time with him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hissunshine Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 hissunshine, Reading your post made me choke up with a big lump in my throat. It brought back some still raw painful memories. Thing is, I have only myself to thank for that, by involving myself, in a place, that , I had no place. Key word here to keep in the forefront of your "logical" thinking, "Actions". This is why I come to LS...it feels so great to know that someone knows exactly how I feel! Thanks skywriter... Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 OP, I think most of us have been there - that place where we make excuses for our partner. Some of us have learned to stop doing that, thankfully. Unfortunately, a MP comes with a set of ready made excuses and you just have to buy into them. I bet it feels pretty easy to buy into them, doesn't it? But ask yourself - do I deserve this? Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi sunshine! The problem being with a MM is that because of the situation, we make it easy for them. We dont pick up as many fights we would if they were single. Think about it. We put up with their acts cause we know they have a whole other life that does not include us. I , too hate it. Yes, my MM does it too and i too find all these excuses to make it feel better. Sunshine, i remmeber you from another talk we had and is still looking for a way to pm you. Cant remember how many posts we both need to have to do such a thing. It kinda sucks, but i assume it has saved the forum from all the spammers. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Lol..perfectly said Confuses4Now.....Go live your life, He has a wife! I wish I'd done that earlier and am trying to do that now! Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Actually, I can ay NO to your question. XMM never promised anything that he couldn't and didn't do He turned up when he said, he was never late. Guess he was unusual in the world of MM. GG Link to post Share on other sites
bugaboo Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I guess I'm fortunate too, like GG. MM has never once cancelled on me for something truly personal, and is always on time (or early). He did have to cancel on an invitation to a work dinner, but that's not the same, to me. I did have to ask him to stop talking wishfully about things we'd never be able to do together, because it was hurtful, and he did stop. Don't think he'd thought about it, but when I said it, he got it. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 There's almost no winning this one for the AP. Sometimes life gets in the way of people's plans. With a MM it could be the office, the kids, the extended family getting in the way last minute. To top it all off, MM can't really explain in detail without letting you know too much about his real life. It would surprise me if a MM can make weekend plans and consistently keep them. As are wrought with stolen moments. A few hours here and a few hours there. A day trip here and a once-in-a-blue-moon weekend away. If MM could easily schedule weekends away, I'd wonder what kind of M he has. This explains the inability to keep grand promises. It also underscores for me one of the reasons to get out of an A. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 To top it all off, MM can't really explain in detail without letting you know too much about his real life. This stood out for me. There appear to be quite a lot of MM who are disarmingly honest about what takes up their time and why they need to be somewhere else, if they do. Not all of them keep their home life a big, misty mystery. In fact some OW have posted that perhaps they wish he'd be a little less warts n' all because it would be hard hearing about the mother-in-laws impending visit, or little Johnny's parents evening or the guttering that needs fixing when actually the OW has no interest/role in that side of his life. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 SG, I have just realized that you and I have immensely different experiences of As. In fact, your MM is as rare as a diamond! In most cases though, APs are weary of revealing details such as BS had to go in to work and WS was left saddled with taking the kids to ballet, soccer practice, etc. The more details they reveal, the more the AP will realize that there's a real M in which two people work as a team. Usually the reasons they "cant make it" are valid but remain shrouded in mystery. But the problem with this MM is that he keeps making the promises regardless of his lack of control of the sitch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hissunshine Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi sunshine! The problem being with a MM is that because of the situation, we make it easy for them. We dont pick up as many fights we would if they were single. Think about it. We put up with their acts cause we know they have a whole other life that does not include us. I , too hate it. Yes, my MM does it too and i too find all these excuses to make it feel better. Sunshine, i remmeber you from another talk we had and is still looking for a way to pm you. Cant remember how many posts we both need to have to do such a thing. It kinda sucks, but i assume it has saved the forum from all the spammers. Take care! Hey Capris! I am not sure how many posts we need to PM...but apparently we still don't have enough! Anyway, hope all is well with you (or as well as can be expected in these crappy situations)! Link to post Share on other sites
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