She loves me but is not in love with me

[brokenheart33]

My wife told me about 3 weeks ago that she is not in love with me and doesn't think she can ever feel that way again. Needless to say I was crushed and couldn't help but cry. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. I love her with all my heart, and I don't want to lose her, but I fear it is too late.

 

We met almost 7 years ago while I was in professional school and dated throughout the remainder of my school. We decided to get legally married as I was graduating school. She is European and her work Visa was up for renewal. We planned to have a real wedding when we built up some money, but it was the best option to legally marry to save thousands in immigration costs. We followed through and had a wonderful wedding less than two years ago. While married, I decided that I really wanted to specialize in my career. She supported me in this. I was accepted to an out of state residency program (24 months) (This specialty is insanely competitive to get into). Due to the poor economy of this state, my wife decided to keep her job and have a long distance marriage for 2 years. I was disappointed, but I know she would not have been happy here by herself with me at school all the time. I know our marriage had problems which progressively worsened before I moved. I've never lived away from the metro area I'm from, so the move was very stressful for me. I've missed her so much since I've been here. A week before I was flying back to visit, she seemed to be acting odd. She finally told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She said she is doing well without me and is no longer stressed. She didn't think she wanted to stay with me. Needless to say I was devastated. We talked a lot about everything. One of my big problems is that I never would express my feelings. This of course became worse over time. She tried to get me to talk about things but I kept avoiding it. Our marriage was definitely not how I wanted by the time I left. I just wouldn't open up and kept everything inside. I know I didn't show her that I loved her. I know I didn't show her that she is my priority. I know she felt neglected. I was so stressed about moving away I closed myself off more and more as it got closer for me to move. I know that I hurt her a lot, and I wasn't emotionally there for her. I had some wall that held everything in which got thicker and thicker. I basically felt like I was just existing for some time. I think I was not even addressing my own feelings. It seemed like a lot of this started after I graduated school. Now that I look back I think I was a bit depressed. I was not happy with my jobs after graduating. I felt disappointed in myself and I never expressed this to her. I had a feeling of being trapped and I let a lot of myself get lost. She said she felt hurt and upset so much until she stopped feeling anything anymore. She told me a couple of times in the past few months that she wanted things to change and couldn't live her life like that. I was in denial that anything was seriously wrong and never had a real talk with her. In a couple of days I would tell myself that everything was okay. Since this happened, the wall I built is gone. I've been completely open with her, and I feel closer to her than I can remember. I didn't even realize how closed off I was until this happened. At first she said she wanted to give it a few months even though she didn't think her feelings would change. She feels really bad that I'm in so much pain right now. My visit with her was great. We had a great time together, although I was a bit emotional at times. I was doing many nice/helpful things that I hadn't been doing before. She said it was awkward and weird. I continually got my hopes up, but then I felt crushed again when she assured me that she didn't think there was any real hope. I talked to a counselor (a free session from an e-book I bought). It seemed good, but the advice seemed to push her away more. The counselor said I should continue to show my love for her even if she asks me not to do certain things. As per her advice, I continually told her I love her as I ended phone calls or texting. It was irritating her. She then said she doesn't want to give it time because she doesn't feel her feelings will change. We both agree that we want to stay friends no matter what. She is my best friend, but I want to save my marriage. I know that we could have a far better marriage now that I know what I know. I don't know what to do. I really think she could love me again, but her feelings are blocked. Any advice? I plan to visit again in a couple of weeks. She wants me to come, but she doesn't want to spend 24/7 together. I think I smothered her too much on my last visit. I'd like to think there is hope, but I don't know what to do.

[Craig2425]

She's probably cheating on you.

I love you but not in love with you is what they all say when they are, and she followed it up with I don't think I could ever feel for you again.

Read almost any story on here and you'll find the same answer. Heck just google that sentence and you'll find that 99% of the time they have someone else.

 

If you don't think it could Happen to you then you're wrong my friend. It can and sounds like it has.

 

Sorry for being harsh but I just want you to know what's probably going on.

 

Really sorry you're going thru this and sorry you're here. This is a good place for support and straight forward answers.

The people here have been thru, heard, and seen it all so listen to what some of the older members have to say.

[Bigbot]

read The 5 Love Languages the secret to love that lasts by Gary Chapman. It has helped to open my eyes. My wife asked me to leave recently as I was just like you. Through this book, I finally understood, that I did not understand my wife's need for love. I was not speaking the language that she wanted. I bought her gifts and did things for her. While I feel now, that her love language is words of affirmation and physical touch. Your wife may have different needs. She may want you to do things for her, or want you to buy her gifts. Give the book a try. I am desperately waiting to be given the 2nd chance that you got.

[brokenheart33]

Craig, I don't believe she is cheating in any form. If you knew her, you wouldn't think this. She is very against people cheating. There is nothing she has done that has been suspicious or made me think this could be a possibility. I'm not saying it is impossible, but I truly don't feel this is the situation. I feel that me not showing her love and showing her what she means to me is what led to this. I think the fact that I will be out of the state for two years exacerbated the situation.

Bigbot, I got the 5 languages of Love book. It is very good, and I'm already seeing many reasons why she didn't feel I loved her when in fact I love her deeply. We are still talking everyday. We decided to avoid discussing our relationship issues for the time being. It was frustrating and making things worse because she felt like I was trying to convince her to change her feelings. I'm visiting her for a weekend in two weeks. I intend to see friends and family, too. I'd like her to rediscover why she loved me, but I don't want to be pushy or go overboard. I hope she will give it time. I feel that the way I was behaving before came across as desperate, and it made her want the marriage to end sooner. I am feeling better overall. I know I can't change the way she feels, and I can't change the past. I can change myself and hope that her feelings will return. I don't want her to stay with me if she doesn't love me. I just feel we have the opportunity to make our relationship great, and it frustrates me that it is likely too late.

[Steadfast]

I was doing many nice/helpful things that I hadn't been doing before. She said it was awkward and weird. I continually got my hopes up, but then I felt crushed again when she assured me that she didn't think there was any real hope. I talked to a counselor (a free session from an e-book I bought). It seemed good, but the advice seemed to push her away more. The counselor said I should continue to show my love for her even if she asks me not to do certain things.

 

You have to first realize why love, and being in love, are two different things...especially through the eyes of a woman. The bottom line is she isn't sexually attracted to you and most likely, is attracted to someone else. Then again there may not be a 'someone else' just yet, but she's open and/or hoping for the possibility of one. In any case, that someone isn't you.

 

The reason she feels 'awkward and weird' is because you're not being yourself. Attraction can't be bargained for or earned. A person is most attractive when you're into who they are...not what they're trying to be. In most cases, the sudden realization of neglect and the all-out attempt to prove your love is a natural reaction to the fear of loss. You're backtracking, trying to make up lost time and suffering guilt. She probably sees it as manipulation; you trying to 'con' her into something she doesn't want.

 

No matter what happens in your marriage, don't do this. I'd wager you'd get better 'results' by telling her she's full of sh*t and free to do what, and who she wants. Speaking personally, if there were no kids, I'd exit. Don't trust your instincts.

 

As per her advice, I continually told her I love her as I ended phone calls or texting. It was irritating her. She then said she doesn't want to give it time because she doesn't feel her feelings will change.

 

I'm seeing a lot of classic 'relationship-fail' behavior here. Unfortunately, I'm not seeing the kind of love that keeps these things from happening in the first place. If there was no discussion about your career and the move to begin with, then she's just as guilty about not saying anything as you are for leaving. Marriage is a partnership; there should be open, honest discussion. No levering for position, no selfish motives. Truth be told, your marriage was probably on the clock anyway. Your move just sped it up.

 

Stop trying. She knows you love her. Your best and only chance is to leave her be with the knowledge you're willing, but you won't waste your time on the kind of wishy-washy, nipple twisting she's shoveling. Get real.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Steadfast

[reboot]

Craig, I don't believe she is cheating in any form. If you knew her, you wouldn't think this. She is very against people cheating.

 

I've read this a thousand times on these forums. I said it myself once. I was wrong, as were the vast majority of the others who said it were wrong.

[Art_Critic]

People who love and respect you can't be pushed away by telling them you love them..

 

From what little you posted my mind went right to another guy in the wings..

If she is indeed not willing to make a run at fixing it then it probably is another guy..

Either she is seeing him now or will be seeing him shortly.

 

Sorry...I think you need to dig deeper into why she wants to leave the marriage and less about trying to get her back.

If she indeed is leaving for the reasons she gave you then the only thing you can do is let her go.. as hard as that is...

[PollyIvy]

I used to think and say that about my husband: well, at least he would NEVER cheat on me.

He was so critical of people who had affairs, and was was such a duty-bound guy who always did the Right Thing.

 

Well I got the speech (his version was: I don't love you like before, or something like that).

 

He hid that affair pretty well - took me quite a while to figure it all out. But yes, there was (and still is) another woman.

 

That being said, I have a friend who just left her husband, because she does not want to be married to him anymore. They have kids. Absolutely no affair going on. But she did it kindly, honestly, and didn't tell him 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'.

[PegNosePete]

Craig, I don't believe she is cheating in any form. If you knew her, you wouldn't think this. She is very against people cheating.

Dude. Sorry to say you are most likely wrong.

 

Being against cheating means absolutely NOTHING. Let me tell you my story. My wife's boss discovered his wife was cheating on him and had been for 18 months but still he was trying to reconcile. My wife was very angry about this situation, said she despised cheating in all forms, if I cheated on her then she'd dump me without a second thought, no second chances for that kind of thing, if she ever felt like cheating then she would talk to me first, etc. Blah blah blah. Then about a month later I got the same line as you (love but not in love) and found out she was cheating on me.

 

Dude there is another guy I would bet my bottom dollar on it.

[ThreeLegDog]

[...] My wife was very angry about this situation, said she despised cheating in all forms, if I cheated on her then she'd dump me without a second thought, no second chances for that kind of thing, if she ever felt like cheating then she would talk to me first, etc. Blah blah blah. Then about a month later I got the same line as you (love but not in love) and found out she was cheating on me.

 

This.

 

For years my W said things like "I could never imagine having an affair", "I could never imagine having sex with someone else", "I could never have sex with someone without love", "If I ever find out you have cheated, I'll cut your **** off", etc.

 

Guess what's been going on for about a year now?

[jaymz]

For years my W said things like "I could never imagine having an affair", "I could never imagine having sex with someone else", "I could never have sex with someone without love", "If I ever find out you have cheated, I'll cut your **** off", etc.

 

I was going to write this word for word, lol!

[reboot]

There must be a book out there they all read.

[marqueemoon4]

Same behavior, same old story. I'm sorry OP.. your wife checked out long ago. Sadly, there is nothing you can do, if you can accept that, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache.

[radiodarcy]

Dude. Sorry to say you are most likely wrong.

 

Being against cheating means absolutely NOTHING. Let me tell you my story. My wife's boss discovered his wife was cheating on him and had been for 18 months but still he was trying to reconcile. My wife was very angry about this situation, said she despised cheating in all forms, if I cheated on her then she'd dump me without a second thought, no second chances for that kind of thing, if she ever felt like cheating then she would talk to me first, etc. Blah blah blah. Then about a month later I got the same line as you (love but not in love) and found out she was cheating on me.

 

Dude there is another guy I would bet my bottom dollar on it.

 

OP of course none of us can say for sure if there is another man. but as PegNosePete said, those who speak loudly against lying/cheating are the ones who do it themselves.

 

at any rate, you can't talk her into staying if the she doesn't want to (and it doesn't sound like she does, i am sorry to say). i think people who used that "i love you but i'm not in love with you" line; say it in order to ease their own guilt at ending the relationship.

 

i'm afraid all you can do is let her go. the more you try to convince her into staying the more concrete her decision to leave will be.

[Chi townD]

Dude, there's someone else if she gave you the ILYBINILWY speech. Okay, prove us wrong! Put a keylogger on the computer, check passed phone bills for numbers you don't recongize and see how much text usage there is. Plant Voice Activated Recorders in your home and velcro one underneath her seat in the car.