Frustrated by this Doc at work!

[TraumaRN]

I'm a nurse working on the trauma unit. This past July 1st we got our new batch of residents and while I'm usually not overly fond of surgeons the new residents are great. I like several of them and one of them I just seemed to 'click' with-- at least I thought we did. Everyone would comment on how they thought he would seek me out to chat, but he's just a very friendly guy and chats with everyone. He did his first month of night call and since I work nights we just bonded. He's great, pretty much everyone's favorite resident and just a pleasure to be around. He's humble, doesn't have a God-complex, and is a bit of a sarcastic goof- not your typical doc at all! (any other nurses out there know what I'm talking about?). We have very similar personalities, similar interests etc.

 

I should point out that I am married and do wear a ring at work. I have always gotten along better with men than women and have had great male friendships. Not really sure if this has any bearing on anything at all but thought I would add it in for the what it's worth department.

 

Anyway, this surgical resident is off night call and has been for the last few months. I overlap shifts with him for an hour in the morning and he always says hi, is very friendly with me and the other nurses on my unit. A few weeks ago I added him as a facebook friend along with another surgical resident (who is female).

 

The next day I saw him after I added him he came up and said "wow now we're friends I'm so excited!" and was basically goofing around. I should add that he and I live very close (like less than a mile from each other). I mentioned that I thought we should hang out in real life. Yes I understand residents are crazy busy working like 14+ hour days 26 days a month. He sounded excited about it when I mentioned riding bikes to a local beer garden since he and I both appreciate craft beers. He sounded interested and said we would set something up via facebook since we were friends on there now. I'm not totally stupid and if he hadn't legitimately seemed interested then I wouldn't have pursued it further.

 

I messaged him and said when I had free and would he like to go. I got no reply. A few days later he was on night call and was having a bad day with car issues. He said he didn't get my message until that day sorry for not replying and I said "no biggie I wasn't overly concerned about it." I also felt this kind of weird vibe like he was making an extra point to go out of his way to chat with the other two nurses on my shift and felt like he was maybe ignoring me a bit more which I didn't understand. I thought maybe it was just an off day for him. I messaged him about a week later asking if he wanted to go and no reply again. He has been on facebook and posted a few times since.

 

I saw him for the first time since that yesterday morning. He was with another resident doing handoff and he gave a big smile and a wave. I half mustered a frozen face and a halfhearted wave with probably a little bit of the sarcastic mean eyes/smile while doing my med pass and didn't say a thing to him. I had to call him for an order, was all business and made no chit chat or small talk like I normally do. I then passed off the phone to my coworker who was chit chatting with him.

 

If you don't want to be friends outside of work that's fine and I get it- just say it. If you feel weird because I'm married and don't want to be friends that's fine I get it. But why would you sound excited and then do the 180 flip on it? Plus it's just f'ing rude to not reply to a message. If the answer is no or you don't want to just say so instead of this passive aggressively ignoring it.

 

I guess I just don't know what to do. Should I just try to keep it short and all business with no personal or small talk? Should I call him out and ask what's going on and that if he doesn't want to be friends outside of work it's ok I'm fine with that but he should just say so. What do you guys think is going on? Do you think he feels weird because I'm married and he might think I'm hitting on him? While I do have a crush on him I'm not going to do anything about it. He and I are just so similar I know we would be great friends. I should mention that I am friendly with ALL the docs both male and female and don't really treat him any different than the others.

 

Just seeking a little advice about what you think could possibly be going on and what I should do about it. I am going to be seeing this doc for the next few years and would like it to be a comfortable work environment for us all. Thanks for those of you who made it through my lengthy post and look forward to your insights!

[Badenov]

Speaking as a guy, if a married woman did all these things with me, I would think she's looking to have an affair.

 

If he's married or has a GF, show an interest in her as well. (maybe a double date?). If he's single, offer him advice or try to fix him up.

 

His avoidance of seeing you outside of work is too make sure things don't go too far. You should be relieved he has such noble intentions. Now you need to show him your intentions are harmless as well.

[TraumaRN]

Thanks for your thoughts Badenov.

 

To me I would never see that as not wanting to "let things go too far." But perhaps I'm dense. A friend suggested that perhaps he liked me but wanted to "respect my marriage" and has backed off. I doubt either is the case as I don't generally think of myself as very attractive or think that people would be interested in me in that capacity. I just didn't understand what I would have done to warrant not replying to messages and making a point of speaking to others more than me and giving a mini cold shoulder.

 

I have mainly male friends while my husband has female friends (probably because men are usually straight shooters which I tend to be). I have no problem with him spending time out with them and he doesn't have issues with me spending time out with my friends. I think it's healthy to have different friends, interests, and to do things independently from one's spouse.

 

I suppose I just perceive my actions as friendly and don't think of them as seeming untoward. I'm generally very outgoing and very friendly which many of my friends say most people would view flirting but I just think of it as genuine interest in other people.

 

He is not married, and I don't believe he has a girlfriend.

 

I think I really just needed to vent and do feel a lot better. It's his problem for behaving this way and is missing out on a great friend I'll just let the situation be, try to behave as I normally do. Maybe he will come around, if not oh well. There are plenty of other friend fish in the sea.

 

I still don't really understand why he's behaving like that but oh well...

[Lucky_One]

If you have a crush on him, then NOT doing things with him outside of work is FAR healthier. You are just begging for a world of trouble here.

 

I can't tell you how many affairs I have read about that started just like this. Doing things one-on-one with a man that you have a crush on is just asking for trouble.

 

Be thankful that he has backed off.