Dilemma over my ex that wants me back

[Renard99]

Hi all

 

I apologise because this is just as much of a rant as it is a cry for advice.

 

I wrote a few weeks back that, after 8 months, my ex now wants me back. After months of improving myself and trying to get back on my feet again, I'd accepted in my head that she wasn't coming back and I finally felt comfortable dating. I'd met a girl and been on a number of dates and all went well. Then, a week after we'd agreed that it had become more than just 'dating' (we'd slept together a few times by this point), my ex contacts me with a long email about how she was wrong to break it off with me and now realises all the mistakes that she made.

 

This all put me in an awkward position between the two women. Up until this point I genuinely felt that I should, and could, move on (It was around the time of this revalation that women began to pay more attention to me, so maybe it came across in my demeanor as well as my thoughts) but as soon as my ex reappeared I began thinking of her again.

 

I told her I was seeing someone but she still wanted to meet up as she, at the very least, wanted to give me the reasons for the break up. Something she was unable to give me at the time. I could tell it was eating at her so I agreed to meet up.

 

When we met up she laid it down and basically said she'd hit rock bottom. She'd been highly strung for a while (she'd been passed over for promotion twice and we had the ill health, followed by the death, of a pet that she loved dearly, amongst other things) and she failed to spot the signs of depression. She ran away from the depression (and hence the relationship) but when she stopped running, the relationship was gone but the depression remained. This made her realise that it wasn't the relationship at fault, it was her. She's now worked on the causes, is all healed and wanting to try again. The meeting was really good, we joked, we laughed and it felt good.

 

The whole thing has left me with a difficult decision. I'm perfectly happy with the new relationship. It feels good, we have similar interests and opinions, she's more emotionally adjusted than my ex, the sex (whilst not the be all and end all of a relationship) is in a totally different league compared with my ex, and, on the whole, the relationship feels more mature, less hard work and I enjoy her company. My friends tell me that they're seeing a happier and more invigorated version of me that they haven't seen in nearly 4 or 5 years.............. But, at the same time, the meeting reminded me of all the things I like about the ex and she's now on my mind all the time. The way she spoke about me took me back to the good times in the relationship

 

There are some obvious red flags in my ex's story, like not being able to communicate what was going on with her about 9 months prior to our break up despite many chances to, as well as the fact that she just bailed after 7 years together with out tackling the issues that she faced....... but, her claims that she's addressed these issues seem genuine and mean she still fills my thoughts which is wrong for the new gf.

 

I feel torn, virtually 50/50 between the two women. It's my decision alone and I'm not asking for an answer from you guys, I'm merely writing this to lay down the thoughts in my head. Any advice that is forthcoming is merely a bonus.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Renard99]

Sorry to add to the already long post but what my mind can't decide between is........

 

Do I go back to the 'old' and risk nothing changing and/or the whole thing happening again and lose what is a potentially good new relationship?

 

OR

 

Do I stick with the new and potentially think 'what could have been' with the old for years to come?

 

if that makes sense!

[futuregopher]

Hi,

 

I am not one to give advice since I am personally struggling with a breakup but it seems like you have improved yourself a lot and have done quite well for yourself. Reading your story gives me hope that some good fortune will come my way too.

[Arikel]

Don't dwell on 'What if's' and regrets. The past is the past for a reason.

[norajane]

There are some obvious red flags in my ex's story, like not being able to communicate what was going on with her about 9 months prior to our break up despite many chances to, as well as the fact that she just bailed after 7 years together with out tackling the issues that she faced....... but, her claims that she's addressed these issues seem genuine and mean she still fills my thoughts which is wrong for the new gf.

 

Choosing to, and being able to, communicate openly and honestly when it's hard to do so (not just when it's all sunshine and lollipops) is what you need for a relationship to work. It's great that she recognizes that she chose to run away from you instead of communicating with you and working out her issues with your support; however, does that mean she will choose to communicate with you the next time life gets hard? Will she turn to you when she's depressed or will she turn away?

 

You probably need to do more talking about this, about some of the other things both of you had concerns about in that relationship, too. 7 years is a long time to be together; this is not likely the only issue you developed over the years.

 

One conversation where you talk and laugh together does not = talking through and working through your relationship issues enough to get back together.

 

Tell her you aren't ready to make any decisions at this time. I'd suggest telling your ex that you've been doing a lot of thinking, and you would need to do more thinking, and would especially need to do more open and honest talking with her. Also tell her you're in a relationship, so that is making it hard for you to do the thinking and talking you need to do, and unfair to her and to your gf to divide your attention like that.

 

9 months ago wasn't the right time for her to talk with you; now may not be the right time for you to talk with her. Timing (being ready) is just as important as being in love.

[name goeshere]

It was not the right time for her to talk to you until she was in the right mind. That might have taken her 9 months.

[othersideofthepillow]

after reading your post it does give me a little bit of hope that maybe people do need time to adjust themselves from situations. there are things from your story that i can relate to - She'd been highly strung for a while (she'd been passed over for promotion twice and we had the ill health, followed by the death, of a pet that she loved dearly, amongst other things) and she failed to spot the signs of depression. She ran away from the depression (and hence the relationship) and thats what i think happened with me ex and our relationship. sadly i only got dumped about 2 1/2 months ago and she said she only has "friend" feelings for me now but i can relate to that part a lot.

 

Like norajane said though you need to find out if her "running when times get tough" (also sounds A LOT like my ex) has changed and if she will turn to you or turn and run again.

 

Also i think that one talk is not worth getting excited and completely leaving what you are happy now. however, you should also step back a little from your new relationship if you ARE having feelings that are more than just "brain teaser" feeling for your ex....not fair to your new, old girl or you for that matter to have feelings going all over the place.

 

But if they is still something there, and you may wonder what if, that up to you to decide....people do get second chances and the do work so whos to say you wont fall into that category - best of luck and i hope it turns out well!!!!! good luck!!!!

[Feelingthechill]

I think it is fair for you to hear out your ex more before you make any final decisions. You cannot make a solid decision without more information. Just make sure you don't become physically/emotionally involved with her, and tell her you need time to make the decision afterwards. It isn't entirely fair for your new partner, but life rarely is--we have all been on the receiving end of heartbreak. This is a moment in time when you need to make a decision for you. Keep in mind though, being in a relationship with someone who suffers depression is not easy, especially when they run away from it, and your current relationship might be your best. Best.

[Renard99]

It was not the right time for her to talk to you until she was in the right mind. That might have taken her 9 months.

 

That 9 months i refer to is the first point i noticed there was a problem (albeit a small one at that point) before the break up. When she did finally talk to me, it wasn't to tell me what was wrong, it was to tell me that she no longer loved me. It's now been just over 8 months since that happened and here we are.

[Renard99]

Thanks for all the replies, they have all been useful.

 

If anyone else has any thoughts and advice I'd love to hear them

[Treasa]

Did your ex say she wanted to get back with you?

 

If no, then it's a no-brainer. Stick with the well-adjusted, awesome current girlfriend.

 

If yes, and she knows you have a girlfriend (which you said), then that's pretty low of her. She tells you she no longer loves you, but then expects you to drop a current love interest and get back with her? Uh, no.

 

I've suffered depression many times in my life. But there are consequences to treating people a certain way.

 

I say go with your current flame. Besides, it's unlikely that your ex has improved herself THAT much in eight months.

[Treasa]

Actually, I changed my mind. I'd be really upset if my boyfriend couldn't decide between me and his ex who dumped him and told him she didn't love him anymore.

 

I think you should be single until you figure out what you really want, and then if it's either of these two, pray they're still single and understanding.

[LuluinAZ]

Renard,

 

There are many aspects of your situation I relate to... I'm trying to look at all sides of my own situation and see things from other standpoints, just like you are doing so this is what I've come up with.... At some point in your life, it's OK to do the things that YOU want to do.. to have pleasure and joy, for the sake of joy. You seem like a kind and caring guy and that you don't want to hurt your old or your new love, or pass up any important chances.

 

Find a quiet spot for yourself (the dark closet) and let your mind go. Which situation would bring you the most joy in your future? People are not disposable, but you have a 7 year history with the old flame, and the new flame is still a bit of an unknown... it takes time getting to know someone and we don't see things (like the depression is your old flame) right away.

 

You are in a new relationship, but you are not married, you haven't taken vows to her, so it's really up to you and which situation you would be the happiest in. I would question the old flame to make sure she would make a commitment to you and your mutual relationship to let her know running is not an option for her if you take that road with her. You probably need to let her prove to you that she is completely on board.... otherwise, if she doesn't put any effort in, you may make it too easy for her. This is your decision, if you break up with the new woman, she will suffer, but you are not responsible for her life, just be sure of what you want before you burn any bridges.

 

Keep us posted!

[brazilian]

Same thing happened to me... broke up after 5 years, 1 year apart, he begged and said he had changed and made 100s of promises...i took him back... and he broke up with me again 8 months later...came back after 2 weeks saying he needed help and he needed me... we moved in together and 2 months later he left me for another girl. Said the truth was this girl made him realize he never loved me.

[Renard99]

Did your ex say she wanted to get back with you?

 

If no, then it's a no-brainer. Stick with the well-adjusted, awesome current girlfriend.

 

If yes, and she knows you have a girlfriend (which you said), then that's pretty low of her. She tells you she no longer loves you, but then expects you to drop a current love interest and get back with her? Uh, no.

 

I've suffered depression many times in my life. But there are consequences to treating people a certain way.

 

I say go with your current flame. Besides, it's unlikely that your ex has improved herself THAT much in eight months.

 

Yes, she did explicitly come out and say that she wants to have another go at it.

 

I did ask her how she went from declaring her love for me only a few weeks before the break (after a forced week of seperation over christmas due to differing family commitments she came back in tears saying she missed me so much) to suddenly declaring that she had no love for me anymore. She said that she was scared of what was happening to her and just freaked out and ran. Upon thinking about this, I think it needs fleshing out more by her, because, as I said before, I'd got the first hint that things weren't right when we were on holiday in spring 2010 so long before the break up, but, at the time couldn't put my finger on what, even after asking her, and therefore shrugged it off as merely a 'one off' minor blip.

 

The bit i've highlighted in bold also concerns me. She says she's worked on herself (and I'm inclined to believe her, the weightloss is clearly visible and she's looking far healthier for it) but, as you quite rightly point out, can she really have tackled the mental demons sufficiently enough in this time?

[todd]

I think if you are truly committed to changing yourself you could easily accomplish that in 8 months. How much time do you think it should take?

[Renard99]

I don't know how long it should take but it just doesn't feel long enough to have have achieved all that she says she has. Maybe you're right and she really has set her mind on overcoming her problems, maybe I'm over analysing, i don't know. It's all part of the dilemma i face!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

The whole thing has left me with a difficult decision. I'm perfectly happy with the new relationship.

 

 

 

This seems oxymoronic. You know what to do.

[EgoJoe]

If you were perfectly happy you would not even be considering her proposal.

[Renard99]

If you were perfectly happy you would not even be considering her proposal.

 

Maybe you're right but i don't perceive anything wrong with the new relationship. The conversation is good, the sex is good, she accepts my quirks, we make each other laugh etc etc. But, as you say, if i were happy, why consider the ex?

[Treasa]

Because it's an ego boost? Because you feel sorry for your ex? Because you have cognitive dissonance where you only remember the good times? Because old and familiar is so much easier than new and slightly threatening?

 

There are a lot of reasons why. However, I don't have much respect for a woman who dumps a guy, and then tries to get him back when he's in another relationship.

[Renard99]

Because it's an ego boost? Because you feel sorry for your ex? Because you have cognitive dissonance where you only remember the good times? Because old and familiar is so much easier than new and slightly threatening?

 

There are a lot of reasons why. However, I don't have much respect for a woman who dumps a guy, and then tries to get him back when he's in another relationship.

 

To be fair she didn't know i was in a relationship until after she started to try to get me back but i do see what you're saying.

[Diogenes]

My Wife and I were together for 24 years, the position you are in is one I'm trying to avoid by not getting involved with anyone for at least a year, hard as it is. My fondest hope and worst nightmare is being in your shoes a year from now.

 

My wife became addicted to World Of Warcraft, using it as an escape from dealing with her own private demons, gradually withdrawing from me, her family and the kids to the point she became a stranger. I know at some point it will hit her what she has lost, I don't know what I would do in the situation of you mention after all the pain we've been through.

 

All I can suggest is lay some ground rules down, eg. go for counseling, have her get her hormone levels checked etc. , get a clean bill of health for her and take it slow... But if she balks at any of that say no.

[leoc1973]

I have read your story from start to finish cause I am kinda in the same boat as you. the whole gigs thing in the beginning and now my ex who I have gone months at a time without talking to all of the sudden is sniffing around. I dont' know if its to reconsile or what but soon as I started seeing someone new she seems to be showing at least some interest. I guess my question to you is this... how long after your ex found out that you had a new girl did it take her to send you that email? Are we talking instantly or months? My ex was very inquisitive as to what I was doing with the new girl very jealous it seemed and now she is all of the sudden missing me and my friend after not caring if I fell off the face of the earth. Crazy isnt' it how they always come back when you finally start moving on?

[Renard99]

I guess my question to you is this... how long after your ex found out that you had a new girl did it take her to send you that email? Are we talking instantly or months?

 

She didn't know I was in a relationship until after she mailed me. When I told her she was shocked but still wanted to meet up to give me the reasons for her leaving. She felt she owed me that and I could see that it was eating away at her so agreed. It was during the meeting that I realised that in some ways I do still have feelings for her. Trouble is, those feelings are no greater or no less than the current relationship, hence my dilemma.