P*SSED OFF. Get the *** out of my head already.

[Karala]

Having a bad day today. Don't know why. Even feel tempted to break NC, not as in calling him, but as in engaging in some cyberstalking, or try and find that e-mail that he wrote to my parents this summer, which I have not wanted to read.

 

Can't stop thinking about him, can't concentrate on work. Feel depleted, obsessed, hopeless and done.

 

I don't love him anymore, that's for sure. I would never have imagined 3 months ago that I would be in that place by now.

But he's still on my mind far too much. I'm so angry at him, so angry that I wasted years of my life and wasted good love to someone who never deserved it. I feel so humiliated about how bad I allowed him to treat me. I want to tell him how much he disgusts me now, how much I hate him, but I'd kill myself before I'd give him the ego boost.

 

With my 20/20 hindsight, I want to slap myself AND him so bad. How could I? How could I ever see all those beautiful things in him, when he was clearly making my life miserable, never being there for me and taking me completely for granted?

 

I hate that he's still on my mind so much, when I know he definitely doesn't deserve the headspace.

 

I want to be over him so bad. I want to reach indifference so bad.

I feel like I would do anything to not feel a thing about him anymore.

[Karala]

I'm re-reading some of the stuff I posted when I first wrote on this board. Oh, my God. Can you say... SAPPY???

 

I can't believe how out of it I was. Those rose-colored glasses were mad thick, let me tell you.

 

I so wanted our story to be something beautiful and meaningful. Turns out it was nothing more than theever so ordinary romance gone bad.

I thought he couldn't bear to have me out of his life. 3 months NC, he never bothered to break it. And I will never break it. Never ever as long as I live.

 

Is that all there is? Seems like it. I'm so disgusted at myself, him, life, and love, that our relationship and time together are now nothing more than insignificant, irrelevant memories.

 

I want to twist Marion Cotillard's speech from the Oscars and say f*ck you life, f*ck you love.

[smudge21]

I think you're in the realisation and acceptance stage of healing where you finally see everything without those rose tinted specs on. It can hurt as realising you spent so much time thinking about someone who really wasn't worth it... it just feels like such a waste, and then you get angry at the ex and yourself for wasting all that time.

 

All the feelings have gone and now he's a distant memory but still one that you miss. Not him exactly, but what he meant in your life - the companionship, somewhere you cared for, etc. So now you're probably, maybe, in a good place to find someone new to fill that gap - that's really all your ex is now, a gap in your life that needs filling by someone more deserving of your love and attention.

[Karala]

Smudge, thank you so much for writing, I'm in a bad and lonely place today. Your analysis is so encouraging and I want to believe you got it right. Yes, the feelings have gone, all I'm left with now is rage at myself for wasting so much time with him, and at him for treating me so bad. I so want to be able to take all that love and time and energy back. But I can't.

 

I thought our love was flawed, but real. I thought at least one day we could be friends. Now I realize he probably never will bother to break NC. And I will never either. So much for our deep meaningful once-in-a-lifetime-connection.

 

I wanted NC but I feel so stupid and insignificant that it was so easy for him to implement. Exactly how easy, I'll never know, but easy enough to go ahead with it, even if it meant losing me forever.

Now I can see how eager he probably was to get as far away from me as he could. Away from all the problems and complications. And to think I was worried about him, worried about if he didn't miss me too much and didn't feel too miserable on his own.

 

The guy was on this trashy "dating" site immediately after we separated. One month later he was on a vacation, kissing girls in bar, and acting all happy and sh*t on his Facebook. Prince Charming... not.

Oh how I understand now, how right he was when he kept telling me I deserved better. I didn't get it at the time, because I was seeing him with such loving eyes, he could do no wrong. Believe me, I get it now.

I'm sad that you can love someone with all your heart, only to find out you were completely deluded.

 

You're right, I don't miss him, but I miss the companionship, having someone in my life, and yeah, I do feel like I'm a point where I feel ready to move on and love again. I do have a couple of guys hanging around that seem to be interested, unfortunately nobody that I would be interested in too :]

 

It makes me so mad to think that he's probably moved on ages ago.

Not my business anymore, I know, and really, I want to not care more than anything in the world.

I'm mad at myself that I want to be at the stage where I don't give a d*** about him, and he contacts me and I'm completely indifferent. I'm angry that I'm fantasizing about putting him in his place. I just want to not give a d*** and have it not be about him at all.

 

I want to move on. I do. This healing thing takes forever, gawd.

[Thieves]

Having a bad day today. Don't know why.

 

It's alright. We all have them. Now's the time to get out all the left over anger and accusations that you have inside of you so that you'll be fully 'cleansed' the next time you have a better day. You may as well, right?

 

But he's still on my mind far too much. I'm so angry at him, so angry that I wasted years of my life and wasted good love to someone who never deserved it. I feel so humiliated about how bad I allowed him to treat me.

 

Here's what I've learned so far in my time of healing: just because he/she is on your mind doesn't mean that you still want them like you used to. More than anything, it's a habit. The longer the habit went on, the more intense it was, the harder it'll be to break.

 

When a person is around another person and gets used to loving that person on a daily basis, they become a part of our minds in a way. We get so used to thinking of them, being concerned about them, that it doesn't just go away even after we're no longer with them. It takes time, sometimes a bit longer than usual, to process and get back to 'normal' again.

 

Also, always remember that love is never wasted. As bad as the relationship may have been, at least you can say you did your best to love him. There's no sense in feeling guilty about it because you did what came natural to you as a human and as a woman, you know? The worst thing you could do is be angry for giving someone love. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to see the best in someone - don't you think it's a whole lot better than always seeing the worst in a person and never giving them a chance?

 

If you want to be over him so bad, then you eventually will. But wishing something doesn't automatically make it come true, you have to work towards it like you've been doing. You have to keep NC, keep working on yourself so that eventually you can take your time with him as a lesson learned...

Edited September 19, 2011 by Thieves

[Karala]

Yes. Thanks!

 

You're right, just because he's still on my mind a lot, doesn't mean I want him like I used to. Just imagining how it would be if I were to see him again... I can see it already, he would be all lovey-dovey, putting on the charm, calling me my old petname, acting like he never broke my heart and trampled on it. Makes me sick just to think of it.

 

It is a habit. The habit of obsessing about him. A habit I've had for 4 fricking years. God.

I'm hesitant about whether I should force myself to not think about him, or if I need to think about him some more to process and grieve properly.

 

Yes, I did my best with him, I would have done anything to make it work. I bled myself dry, poured all of my energy into trying to make it work. I didn't want to, but I had to. I wanted to make myself the priority but I couldn't.

I did see the best in him, even made up good stuff when there wasn't any to see. I probably shouldn't beat myself up for this, but I think I really need to be more selective and down to earth in the future. Battered women too probably see the best in their partner, and even if you can't blame them, they still need to see the light and stop deluding themselves.

I don't want to become over-cynical either, but I want to find balance.

 

I will be over him. Soon, hopefully. And learn my lesson. I know things will look much brighter on the other side, but still. It's a looong, excruciating ride.

[sleepykitten]

Karala, reading your post today really struck a nerve, as for some reason after writing in my nc log i found myself feeling just like you, angry at the wasted time, all the effort, being treated so badly, him moving on 3 days after our b/u him lying, me pouring out my heart and soul, him not responding at all bar a few texts that didnt address anything of what i had said. Urrgh its endless. Its only been 2 weeks nc, 3rd attempt though, i would never want him back, but cant believs he can just carry on his life without any sort of remorse or regret to how he treated me at the end, he tipped out a few cliches etc, but i know he is a total emotional retard and not at all self aware and cant face anything so why am i even thinking about it. I put so much of myself into the relationship i fought for it when it went downhill, i had his back, I tried everything, and i shouldnt have i should have been the one to walk away when it was as bad as it got but i wasnt strong enough and for that i'm angry too.

it is such a long ride, this emotional rollercoaster, I too long for the indifference. All I know is NC is the best and only option for me now. But i cant wait for the day, week, months when i barely think of him and if i do it doesnt leave me feeling a mess, or sad, jealous, angry, hurt, betrayed, used, a fool, a mug.....

I know it will pass, untill then thank god for loveshack!

[Thieves]

It is a habit. The habit of obsessing about him. A habit I've had for 4 fricking years. God.

I'm hesitant about whether I should force myself to not think about him, or if I need to think about him some more to process and grieve properly.

 

What works for me personally is to allow myself to think about 'him' whenever he does come up in my mind, but not for long. So if a thought of him pops up, I'll let mysef linger on it for a minute or two, but not any longer. Then I distract myself again, which gets easier to do with time. BUT, try not to 'question' his past actions, aka "Why did he do that? Why did he say that during that one time?" It happened in the past, and thinking about why stuff happened back then will just keep you anchored in the past. Not good.

 

I didn't want to, but I had to. I wanted to make myself the priority but I couldn't.

 

Then make that a goal to work towards, not only now but in the future when you meet someone new: Make yourself the priority for once. The easiest way to do this is to make sure for every two parts you give in a relationship, make sure you're getting the same parts back equally.

 

I probably shouldn't beat myself up for this, but I think I really need to be more selective and down to earth in the future. ...

I don't want to become over-cynical either, but I want to find balance.

 

'Balance' is the keyword here, yes. Can't remember who posted it, but someone posted a surefire way to avoid relationships with people not right for you. It was something along the lines of: make a list of four qualities that a partner ABSOLUTELY must have to be with you, and four things they absolutely cannot have. If a person doesn't have at least three of the four absolute things, don't be with them. If they have any of the 'cannot haves', don't be with them. Simple as.

[GabbyGirl]

We are in the same boat together. It's only been two months, but I can't forget and I am so angry and want revenge. My ex is also on a dating site and that just shows me what a slut he is. Not to sound arrogant but it is his loss. He had a good woman. You hit the nail on the head...Reminder to myself: happiness is the best revenge, self-pity is the mother of all sins.

 

It will take time and we will move on but how do I deal with the anger?

[GabbyGirl]

Don't forget the lies. If I saw him right now I would give him a swift kick between the legs. It's so sad that some people are so cruel.

[smudge21]

I think the important thing is to not beat yourself up so much for feeling this way. It shows you're a normal loving human being who just happened to fall for the wrong person (hell, who hasn't been there...).

 

Accept what is happening and that healing does indeed hurt but that you are in a better place and are constantly moving forward now. You will be better and you will love again and have the companionship you so richly desire (and deserve).

 

We all put the ex on a pedestal (mine's sadly still up there) and it can be so hard to remove them. Only once we're healed and able to see the relationship from a third party view point do we realise what the problems were why it never worked. Only then do we fully understand and are able to accept that it's better things didn't work out. You're not there yet but you will be. Just stick with it, keep posting and start realising that your ex is simply one person out of 6.7 billion out there...

 

Good luck.

[lymtal1]

karala,

 

thank you for your post. i have been sitting here for a couple of weeks not really knowing exactly how i have been feeling. reading where you are has certainly helped clear up where i am. i also think that is a better place to be than where i have been.

 

i understand the thinking about them all the time still and how angry you are. i feel the same. i think the thing that is getting to me most is similar to what you said related to the investment made on the person. but you know we have to put ourselves out there or we will never know for sure if they are the right one. i do think that we are in a better place to notice the red flags given what we have learned from this experience so maybe a silver cloud of sorts.

 

you saw those thing in him not because of him but more than likely because of the person you are. don't stop trying to see those beautiful things in people as the right one will show you the same back and it will feel real and you will know.

 

actually you are in a better place than you think. you stated that you knew that you didn't love him anymore. you are close to where you want to be from an indifference point of view. if deep down you don't have the love for him you are getting close. the anger part is a good place to be. at some point in the future you will not even be angry as he won't matter to you and that is the place we all want to get. this is indifference. i am recognizing that place from several other relationships and trust me it is actually good.

 

oh and lastly, don't do anything related to him. keep your strong n/c and stay away from that email. you know that really nothing good can come of it. it may set you back and i think you are in a good place right now. sounds funny to tell you to keep up the anger, but i think that is great:)

[Tayla]

Its easier to cast judgment on an ex lover then it is to see ones role in it.

 

 

Separate your angst at yourself from the "he done me wrong" mentality. As unkind as this may sound to read, we each volunteered to stay because of "love" yet how foolish it was in hind sight.

 

He doesnt get the RIGHT to rent space in your mind. Fill it with positive goals and aspirations. Toxic hate and angst will permeate you otherwise.

 

Yes indifference is a stage, and some day , somehow you'll even get PAST that stage and actually see this time in life as a stepping stone. You wont hate them but you will learn that thru this came growth, which lead you to a life of your choosing. I dont have indifference towards my ex's, never felt the need to be so cold. Maybe I accepted my part in it and also learned they had a lesson to learn too....Whether they retained it is up to them. Sometimes blessings come out of turmoil. ....

You are where you are in healing....and the key is you are healing...

[CopingGal]

We are in the same boat together. It's only been two months, but I can't forget and I am so angry and want revenge. My ex is also on a dating site and that just shows me what a slut he is.

 

You wannt talk slut? My ex is the king of all sluts. He's also a filthy whore.

[melenkurion]

Having a bad day today. Don't know why. Even feel tempted to break NC, not as in calling him, but as in engaging in some cyberstalking, or try and find that e-mail that he wrote to my parents this summer, which I have not wanted to read.

 

Can't stop thinking about him, can't concentrate on work. Feel depleted, obsessed, hopeless and done.

 

I don't love him anymore, that's for sure. I would never have imagined 3 months ago that I would be in that place by now.

But he's still on my mind far too much. I'm so angry at him, so angry that I wasted years of my life and wasted good love to someone who never deserved it. I feel so humiliated about how bad I allowed him to treat me. I want to tell him how much he disgusts me now, how much I hate him, but I'd kill myself before I'd give him the ego boost.

 

With my 20/20 hindsight, I want to slap myself AND him so bad. How could I? How could I ever see all those beautiful things in him, when he was clearly making my life miserable, never being there for me and taking me completely for granted?

 

I hate that he's still on my mind so much, when I know he definitely doesn't deserve the headspace.

 

I want to be over him so bad. I want to reach indifference so bad.

I feel like I would do anything to not feel a thing about him anymore.

 

I've felt pretty much everything you have described here in the past, and I still do some days. Yet, while I wouldn't yet say I have reached indifference, I am a lot closer than I was a few months ago. Time, NC and focussing on other things are what gets you there. In other words you are doing exactly what you should be doing.

[Karala]

Thank you so much everybody for giving me perspective, all of your answers have helped me.

 

10:45pm where I live and first time I check in on this board, as opposed to yesterday where I spent most the afternoon online. I didn't want to "waste" another day thinking about him. Although discussing things here with you is really not wasted time because it helps me so much to understand what I'm going through and keep my spirits up, but well, I didn't want to spend another day on him, so I went back to preparing for a job interview I have this week on saturday, a job I'm very excited about (sales assistant at Lush Cosmetics, no high-paying job or anything but something I would truly enjoying getting up in the morning for). It felt great to not even think about him. Funny how sometimes I'm deep into those intense emotions, and then the next moment I'm like "what was I thinking?" and I can't even believe I was feeling so strongly about stuff that just seems so old and boring and plain uninteresting.

 

"Post here instead of contacting your ex": you're getting old, boring and plain uninteresting. How long can I keep pining over you? Turns out, not that long.

 

I felt good today, all day. When I was with the ex, there was always anxiety creeping underneath, because of how crazy insecure he made me feel. Nowadays, not so. I miss having someone to share my life, my day, my bed, but hopefully there will be someone new sooner or later (although I'm having a hard time feeling confident and optimistic about that, because there are so few people I'm attracted to and interested in, seems statistically unlikely that I will find the one person that is interested in me too... still, I know it happens).

 

But I agree with what most of you said. Angry and slightly bitter, though not a great place to be (and especially stay in for too long), is still heaps better than desperate and pining.

 

I know I am making progress, and if I can do it, believe me, you all can.

 

Thank God for Loveshack indeed!

[aeren944]

Hi Karala,

 

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting. I'm feeling the same as you, pissed off at the wasted time. The difference? It's been over a year for me. We were together for over 7 years, and we have 2 kids... so its hard. It's just good to know that someone else knows how this feels. Thanks again.

[Karala]

Hi Karala,

 

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting. I'm feeling the same as you, pissed off at the wasted time. The difference? It's been over a year for me. We were together for over 7 years, and we have 2 kids... so its hard. It's just good to know that someone else knows how this feels. Thanks again.

 

You're welcome. Your situation is so very different though; when you have kids with someone, I believe there's a bond that can never be broken. Which is a beautiful thing and probably also a taxing one at the same time. Also, you probably can't afford to go through the liberating hate phase. Well, you could, but probably not the best thing for the kids, I guess. Hope this is not sounding judgemental or anything, I'm really just empathising with how difficult this situation must be for you.