Old habits die hard

[mermermer]

I caught my first love on dating/hookup sites, CONSTANTLY watching porn, and eventually, trying to hook up with a 14 year old girl on myspace. It was a little traumatic. The deeper I dug, the more I found.

 

My current guy, my second serious love... Early on in our relationship I still had that bug in my head... So I found texts on his phone of some girl flirting with him. "Gee, Im watching this scary movie by myself and wish I had someone to cuddle with..." And that hurt, but his responses were always, "okay." or something noncommittal, brush off sort of texts. Every so often I'd go through his phone or his email or his facebook. Never really found anything.

 

We went through a rocky patch, and went on a break for a week or so at his choosing. During which time I spent mainly sulking and crying and on Google trying to figure out what a healthy relationship is. One thing that stuck out to me: In a healthy relationship you can have your own emails, texts, phone calls, etc.

 

I realized I was destroying it. I justified it by the fact that he has tons of female friends and I dont hound him about every text or every hang out or even give him a hard time when he goes out of town with his close female friend/boss.

 

Every time I was tempted to snoop I'd tell myself, "In a healthy relationship, you can have your own emails, texts, phone calls, etc."

 

Except yesterday.

 

He used to practically smother me with "I love yous" and gifts and sweet gestures. I'm the one doing that now. Not exclusively, but much more. And I feel like he's not telling me something.

 

He left his facebook open and I decided to look. I pushed that little angel off my shoulder and opened up his messages. Lo and behold, a message to a pretty blonde girl. "Hey, not to sound creepy or anything, but I havent seen you in the shop in a while. You seemed like a cool (and cute) girl and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out and play records and blahblahblahblah."

 

I guess I feel fortunate because given my past experiences, I'm glad its only one. And I'm glad he just called her cute.

 

But it hurts. And I feel betrayed. And I feel like it takes a lot of me to let him have his private platonic relationships with all his female friends, and not to insist on accompanying him on every outing or give him the 3rd degree when he gets home. We are two very different people and I understand that mentally and socially I may not be able to give him everything he needs..

 

But it feels like he's taking this trust and freedom I've given him and stabbing me in the face with it.

 

I know I'm overreacting.

But I feel like two human beings who have an understanding of a mutually committed relationship should know that sending messages of that sort are unacceptable.

 

I'm just hurt.

 

I dont know what to do about myself or about him.

[lolpol]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Your first husband has probably destroyed your faith in men, and by the things he did, I'm not surprised one bit. Poor you. Stupid man!!!!

 

Your new man shouldn't be initiating things like this with random women that he thinks are cute. He is fine to think someone is cute, but he should not be telling her this & trying to meet up with her.

I think he is trying to keep his options open. He needs to decide whether he wants to be with you and only you, or whether he wants to experience other women before he settles down.

I don't think a healthy relationship means having a totally private , where you can email, text, flirt with anyone you want. You need trust in a healthy relationship, but only if the other person can actually be trusted. I wouldn't trust your man not to try it on with this girl if she did agree to meet him.

 

Its wrong, he shouldn't do it!

 

It is fine to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as that is all they are. & If that is all they are, there is no reason why you should not be invited along also.

I think you are entitled to see his messages if you suspect something sinister is going on. Often this is the only way to confirm your suspicions, because not many people will openly admit that they have done something wrong. I believe in having proof before making accusations.

If you dont have proof, most people will lie their way out of it, even if they have done wrong.

 

If i was in your position (read my first post - I've been in a terrible position myself), I would openly ask him about what he was playing at by sending the message to someone he was attracted to. I would explain how hurt I was by it. I would then give him the opportunity to explain and let him know that if he does something like this again, I would not put up with it.

 

I know all of my husbands passwords etc, but even then they can still be up to no good. I text a suspicious number on his phone and found out that he had been doing something the shouldn't have been doing.

 

I believe in second chances, but only if the other person is sorry and deserves a second chance.

 

If he loves you and wants to be with you he should be sorry. If he reacts by being angry with you for checking up on him then he is not sorry & I would say that he isn't worth your tears.

 

I don't know how long you have been together or whether you have kids, how old you both are etc, but none of that matters if you both love each other on the same level. If one of you cares for the other more, then you may be leaving your self open for further hurt and upset.

 

I hope everything works out for you.