I think it's me and I don't know how to stop!

[steffany]

A little background:

 

My husband is/was a green beret for the national guard. We've been married 1 year. We are complete opposites in every way. He is intense and I am light hearted. He is serious and I joke. He is half empty and I am half full.

 

My husband and i got married the month after he got his green beret and then the army lost his paper work and he hasn't had a job or gotten paid in over a year. Thank God i have a good job that pays well. I am full of patience and am very easy going. This hasn't been an issue for me. I hear my girl friends nag and complain about their men and I refuse to do that. If I want the dishes done and he hasn't done them (even though he is home all day) I just do them. I don't complain or nag. Shoot I married him when I was 32 and I had been taking care of myself the entire time anyways without any problems.

 

Usually he does things on his own anyways.

 

Ok here is the thing. I KNOW he feels bad and has said the word "worthless" to describe himself a lot lately. I always tell him I think he is amazing and that everything will work itself out the way it should. I try to build him up.

 

But sometimes - like this weekend (in front of my parents no less) - I say something totally insensitive even though I didn't mean it that way.

 

He was hung over laying on the couch when my parents dropped by to bring me some fruit from their garden. We were all talking and I was telling them about my day when my Dad asked him how his day has been. Without even a thought I heard myself say these exact words "Oh he is just laying around being worthless today"

 

Ouch! I totally didn't mean that the way it sounded!

 

He got mad; rightfully so. I apologize and everything was ok.

 

The next day when he got out of the shower he came downstairs to where I was and started telling me how hot it was in the house. Each time he said it was hot I said I thought it felt nice.

 

Suddenly he snapped at my telling me not to tell him it's not hot when he is sweating to death. So I snapped back telling him that if he is hot to stop talking about it and do something about it! I said he is a big boy and knows how to turn the air down. As he stormed away I also told him not to yell at me like that.

 

Then to prove a point he starts yelling about how "THIS IS YELLING". On his way down the stairs he picks up the doggy gate and starts throwing it around the hall until it breaks.

 

He leaves and I clean up the mess and put a new dog gate up and I take myself to church. When I return he is there playing video games. When I come in the room he gets off and asks if we are still having dinner with our friends.

 

So we go to dinner and nothing is ever talked about but you can feel it in the air even today. Tension.

 

I am feeling like this is my fault for not being sensitive enough to his feelings and thoughts. I really am not trying to be this way and I want to be the bigger person but I just don't know how to stop being so self centered when I am not meaning to be.

 

I think the world of him. I am not ever going to be his mother and cater to his every whim by doing this like turn down the ac for this grown capable man but I have to find a different way of responding -Lord knows he does too.

 

Any advice?

[Art_Critic]

Just own your part in it and sincerely apologize..

That is about all you can do.

 

The rest seems like frustration from not communicating eye to eye..

 

By the way..just how can his paperwork get lost resulting in a years lost pay ?..

I don't get that..

[steffany]

Because when we got married he transferred groups. From Mississippi to Texas. They lost his transfer papers and no one would hire him because when they run a background it shows him as active duty but he couldn't tell any future employers when he would be leaving for training or over seas.

 

I will try to communicate better. I feel like I am trying so hard and the moments I do screw up are amplified and that is stressful.

 

I'll just man up :-)

[country_gurl]

Don't you think it's a little disrespectful to your husband and his personal business to be posting here about it and having a pic in your profile such that someone could recognize you and therefore him?

[Art_Critic]

Don't you think it's a little disrespectful to your husband and his personal business to be posting here about it and having a pic in your profile such that someone could recognize you and therefore him?

 

How exactly was that a helpful post to her ?

[xxoo]

The first situation was unfortunate wording, but you didn't mean it that way and apologized. Foot in mouth.

 

But this one:

 

The next day when he got out of the shower he came downstairs to where I was and started telling me how hot it was in the house. Each time he said it was hot I said I thought it felt nice.

 

Suddenly he snapped at my telling me not to tell him it's not hot when he is sweating to death.

 

you can't take responsibility for him snapping at you.

 

Did he think you were telling him not to change the ac setting, because you were comfortable? That's a miscommunication, but still no reason for his rude response.

 

People get frustrated and a little rude sometimes. It happens. It doesn't mean that you are to blame, though. He overreacted.

[country_gurl]

How exactly was that a helpful post to her ?

 

I think it should be pretty self-explanatory. It's one thing to post about one's own personal problems/situation, but when you're posting personal info and details about another person and doing so in such a way that some reader somewhere could identify them, that's surely not helpful for the relationship or marriage. It's clear the guy obviously feels bad enough about himself due to the fact that he's not working. I can only imagine how gutted he would feel knowing his personal issues/situation was being posted about such that via a pic of his wife, someone could ID him. Think about it. It's common sense and I'm glad the OP has removed her pic.

[Art_Critic]

I think it should be pretty self-explanatory. It's one thing to post about one's own personal problems/situation, but when you're posting personal info and details about another person and doing so in such a way that some reader somewhere could identify them, that's surely not helpful for the relationship or marriage. It's clear the guy obviously feels bad enough about himself due to the fact that he's not working. I can only imagine how gutted he would feel knowing his personal issues/situation was being posted about such that via a pic of his wife, someone could ID him. Think about it. It's common sense and I'm glad the OP has removed her pic.

 

Honestly all of your posts to this thread have been off topic and you have never answered her original post.

You have no way of knowing why she had her picture on her profile or if he knew it was on her profile.

 

She has been a member here for 8 years with that picture up while you have only been a member here only a few days

 

And no.. you haven't been helpful to her at all... you still did not answer the original thread topic.

[steffany]

I am always up to seeing things from a different perspective. I've always had a picture on my profile (before I met him) and didn't even think about it.

 

I came home and aplogized again for my comments and asked him if he ok since he reacted like he did. We didn't have a long drawn our talk but I'm sure we both feel better.

 

I reassured him about how much I live him and he apologized for exploding over something do small. He's going to try and bring the passion down a notch and i'm going to try be more thoughtful and serious.

 

It's tough right now - but things could be way worse.

[Art_Critic]

I reassured him about how much I live him and he apologized for exploding over something do small. He's going to try and bring the passion down a notch and i'm going to try be more thoughtful and serious.

 

 

You can't ask for a better resolution Steffany...

Hope it works out..

[steffany]

Sorry about the typos - I'm on my phone and have yet to master the touch screen

[Woman In Blue]

I don't get it - why does he need transfer papers and/or status papers to get a job and bring in some money? Instead, he chooses to hang around the house all day doing NOTHING and feeling sorry for himself. He can't get a job working with a construction crew or waiting tables or stocking shelves at a supermarket while his mysteriously lost (for over a year??) paperwork is sorted out?

 

If the guy CHOOSES not to work and lets his wife support him (and that's exactly what he's doing), then the least he can do is pull his weight around the house. You shouldn't have to come home and clean up after him after being out WORKING for 8-10 hours supporting him.

 

Aside from being burdened by being the ONLY breadwinner in the family, putting up with his childish tantrums and cleaning up broken dog fences after he storms out AND having to come home from work and clean up after this man-child on a regular basis, you now have to add being more "sensitive" to his poor little feelings to your job list? By all means, DO run and apologize to him right away for how 'insensitive' you were to his 'plight' because he felt too hot and had to verbally abuse you about it rather than walk his lazy ass to the AC unit and adjust it.

 

I think the ONLY one who owes ANYONE an apology is your non-working, selfish little child of a husband for dropping the ball so badly and making YOU do everything. Does he have NO pride at ALL?