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My World has fallen apart


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Hi, I feel the need to write, I guess vent, so I apologise now if this thead is long and I ramble for too long....but here goes anyhow...

 

My wife left me and moved to her parents house 3 weeks ago. We have been together nearly 7 years and "celebrated" our 3rd wedding anniversary 2 weeks ago. She is in her late 20's and I'm in my mid thirties, we have a beautiful young daughter who will turn 2 in under 2 weeks time.

 

Now our whole 7 year relationship has been rammed full of stressful times and events..I will try to explain...

 

When I first met my wife I was going through a divorce from a whirlwind romance which had only lasted 15 months start to finish (I said then I would never get married again!)... so right from the beginning I had court cases to deal with, and it seemed for months that every saturday morning a big wedge of solicitors letters would land on my doorstep, (Do they only work fridays?).... I was living in a rented house so had to go through the house buying process and moving again...my now wife moved in with me when I bought the new house.

 

She came with 26K worth of debt which led to alot of struggles over the years but I finally settled it for her last year...

 

I changed jobs 3 times, which was stressful, she was made redundant twice, we got married, we had a child, we bought a new house 6 months ago but had to live at her parents for 3 months to tie in the deal... ALL stressful things in life to deal with....

 

Throughout all of the above stress we would argue at the most I would say once a month...always about money because it was such a struggle to keep us from debt and she was and still is so bad with money its untrue...Now these arguments were not violent and nothing was thrown but at times things would get said that neither of us should have said and some things I certainly regretted saying at the time...but I have spoken to many people and doesn't everyone argue about money sometimes?!

 

The reason I'm saying all of the above is my wife claims that the reason she has left me is because of all of the arguments over the years have taken a toll on her, and shes not happy, she needs some space to figure herself out and she doesn't love me like she should!

 

This all came out, a month ago when I caused a argument, not about money this time, but the lack of sex... little did I know that this was going to lead to her moving out!!!

 

Now EVERYONE says and I also I have read that she must be seeing someone else...now she swears blind (of course she would) that there is no one else, and the first thing her Dad asked her was if there was anyone else, which she completely denies... I'm inclined to believe her for reasons I shall explain, but as her credit is shot and can't even get a mobile phone contract, her phone is in my name so I have requested copy statements just to be 100% sure....

 

Now, the reasons I think our marriage has really gone wrong are.... Nearly 2 years ago when our daughter was born, everything in my eyes changed, obviously things have never been the same as you would not expect them to be now we have a child... She is a great mother but is totally obsessed with our daughter and pretty much shut me out...She wouldn't let me help with anything, so much so that even after 2 years I can't even put my own daughter to bed.. We always had so many offers of babysitters but she never wanted to do anything together as she never wanted to leave our daughter.

If we did socialise it would be at our house or other friends houses, which normally ended up with me speaking to the guys and her speaking to the girls so we never really spent time together...

For the last year she has been doing a college course from home to do with her childminding she also does from home, so every evening after she put our daughter to bed she would do her college work so we even stopped watching TV together.

 

Over the last 3 weeks, I have made every error in the book, begging, crying, trying to reason, theatening suicide, pretty much everything I have read not to do I have done..obviously to no effect as she has told me today its totally over...

Now during this time in different periods I tried to be strong, and be the assertive man woman are apparently attracted to I but couldn't maintain it for long because the heartache was so bad...

 

We went to one MC session, which she went to because "she didn't want to be seen to not be making a effort"..We were supposed to go to another today but she cancelled it...

 

She said before today she didn't want it to end but needed space and had to figure it out...but I couldn't help but push for answers... not knowing whether or not you want to be with someone doesn't make sense to me..surely you do or you don't? Anyway I have made things worse and now we are through...I'm devastated and don't know what to do...

So sorry to ramble, I could go on, but I'm fed up myself now!

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continue to go to the counseling yourself, be ready to accept that fact that there may be another man no matter how sure you are there isn't....

 

This may be the end of your marriage or it may not be... please concentrate on taking care of yourself AND your child... nothing is more important than that!

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fenderstrathss

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. It is a horrible feeling. Feels like what you imagine you'd feel if she had suddenly died. Second, I hate saying it, but I believe it is 99.99999% chance that there is someone else. She is basically following the same exact script that all cheaters follow. You need to focus on yourself and do not let her string you along as a back up plan. While taking care of yourself, uncover the affair, expose it to everyone you and her know, including her family and tell her to end it or it's divorce. You have to mean it too and you should mean it because you don't want to be with a woman like that anyway. Under no circumstances do you grovel or act needy from this point forward. Know that even if it doesn't work out, that you can and probably will find someone who truly cares for you. Use this opportunity to go to the gym and get back in shape. It really does help. Good luck and we are here if you want to talk or even vent. Vent to us or some other close friends. Never vent to her.

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my wife claims that the reason she has left me is because of all of the arguments over the years have taken a toll on her, and shes not happy, she needs some space to figure herself out and she doesn't love me like she should!

 

Is your wife coming to London in 2012? I bet she is because she sounds like she's going for the gold medal in blame shifting? All classic infidelity script...

 

Best advice, is to lawyer up, quickly and quietly, make sure you protect you and your daughter's rights.

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I REALLY want it to be the case that she is having a affair , strange as that sounds but at least it would explain things.... Her phone records came through on email last night and I've been up all night... I was convinced I had caught her out but the number I was unsure about turns put to be one of her girlfriends... There is a couple of numbers I still need to look into but there really doesn't seem to be anything untoward....

She has text me this morning asking if she can child mind from the house tomorrow, Thursday and next wednesday, I'm working from home these days too, I said yes, I figure at least I can see my daughter.. Did I do the right thing saying yes? Thanks for the advice too

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Well, Shes here now working, It's great to see my daughter, but it is so hard to pretend everything is ok, I'm struggling not to say anything and I am supposed to be working myself too...

 

Mother in Law rang me yesterday and said I need to just give her the space she needs and not pressurise her, which I already realised is my only option left...

 

Problem is I feel she is not in a uncomfortable posistion, she likes living at her parents, they look after her, now I'm allowing her to continue her childminding work from the house. If I stopped her working from the house she would not legally be allowed to carry on her childminding, so would lose her income and maybe start realising shes not in a great posistion and just maybe start to feel some of the pain that I am feeling... I can't help but feel that she is taking me for a ride, but if I was to start being awkward things might get nasty and then I definatley won't get anywhere will i?

 

I also hate being in this house on my own, she has her parents to keep her company every night, I just have a big empty house full of things to remind me, toys that are a constant reminder of the pain of not having my daughter here, my daughters empty bedroom which I no longer go into.....

 

I have been keeping myself busy in the evenings but still have to come home to this empty house, and it hurts so so so much. I have never felt pain like this before.

 

I have checked phone records and def no sign of any affair...

 

This is so hard, I'm having to dig deeper than ever to find the strength not to talk about things to her and act normal.

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Hi Baz,

 

Great people here on LS. All been through hell and seen, heard it all. You will get through this by venting and gaining advice and perspective on the site from many others in similar and sometimes far worse circumstances than ur own.

 

There are so many angles of hurt to the complex life-changing events we find ourselves sorting through.

Others have mentioned what a lose-lose situation this is. U give her space, she uses it to strengthen life without you... Too smothering and ur too 'full on' for her, she needs space- back to option a). Its a crock.

 

The gym or boxing classes are great. Smash out your frustrations, get ripped n meet new people (the kick-box class i go to has girls;)).

 

Its YOUR life remember.

Another quote here was : If the door is shut and locked, what use is it spending ur life outside knocking on it when there are millions of open, welcoming doors dying to have someone like u walk through it....

or something like that...

 

Ur in good hands here.

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Hi Brett,

 

Thanks for your kind words and advice.

 

Yes, I'm worried this space will make things even worse especially as shes so comfortable living at her parents, in fact she will be financially better off at her parents unless I stop her working from the house, but I have no option. as you say smothering doesn't work either. She has said to me this morning, lets just be amicable and you never know what might happen in in 6 months time or so..WTF!

 

So I have to act like nothings wrong, be happy. let her come back to the house to work, leave at the end of the day and leave a mess for me to tidy up.

I'm quite active anyway and pretty fit as play a lot of sport, I'm not a bad looking guy so have never had a problem picking up girls, but I don't really want any other girls, I want my wife!

Everyone is always attracted to my wife too, which is hard because she would have no trouble attracting another guy instantly. I have told her that if I find out she is seeing anyone else, or if she starts seeing anyone else I will not let her work from the house anymore.

 

Does this 180 thing really work? Cos its damn hard!

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Baz,

 

In my case im not sure if it did anything.

 

Im of the opinion, once she's decided she's out, she's out. I have'nt met anyone yet, but i KNOW once i do and stbxw sees i can be happy with another girl, she'l feel what she has lost.

 

At the moment Im just a guy/dad living and working... until i form an intimate relationship with someone (because she is in one) i think she feels she is 1up on me. I try not to believe loving/being in love with someone = LIFE. It's just a very nice part we miss.

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Well guess what.......? She was having a affair.....took so much digging but eventually found it....it is a emotional affair as it is a guy serving in the forces abroad who is her brothers best mate whom she has only met once for 5 mins, but she actively looked him up and iniated everything.. some of the hardest things I have ever read..

 

I managed to access a old email account she had when we first met but supposedly didn't use any more and BOOM, there it was, 400 emails!! God, was it hard to read what my wife wants to do with this guy, and how terrible I am etc..etc.. but at least finally I have a REAL explanation.

 

So after I confronted her and called a cheating Wh**e, she turns up at the house, and for the first time in months actually showed some emotion, she now wants to move back tommorow and make things work!! WTF?!

 

For the first time in months I have a choice, she says shes been stupid and nothing was really going to happen with this guy, although in the emails they were planning to meet up, and even go to the USA together...but now shes been exposed she wants things to work but doesn't want me to tell anybody about this...but I already told her Dad, who is not happy! She says if I can forget this then we can both look forward and try to work things out..well Ive been saying that for a month!

 

Also, she had told no one about this affair, and was trying to make it look like she left me because she was unhappy, she claimed she was trying to make it work by going to one counselling session, and a number of dates and days out, which she never made any effort at to improve things, everytime I saw her she was emotionally dead so obviously we were going one way..Divorce... Then this guy would come back from serving abroad and hey presto, they meet and nobody knows anything was going on before... But I have ruined that plan today.

 

Now I'm worried that the only reason she wants to come back is that she doesn't want all our family and friends to know she is the REAL villain in all this, but I have spent the last month going through HELL and all I wanted was a chance to keep my family together and save my marriage so I feel I have to take it.... whats the alternative? End it now and she ends up with someone else anyway or try and forgive and give it a go..

 

How will I cope with the paranoid thoughts I'm bound to get, whenever she texts anyone or is online, and when I'm away working is it going to eat me up? How do you really move on from something like this...I mean at least it wasn't physical right?

 

I really need some help on this guys, please help!

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fenderstrathss

Isn't the complete turn around in behavior amazing after you uncover and expose the affair? Remember this one very important thing: the ball is in YOUR court now. No more, "what can I do to make it work", "what have a been doing wrong". No more blaming yourself. The problem never was you. The hard part now is, that no matter how much you love her, that trust is shattered. You need to sit down, take some time and decide if YOU want this. Good luck! Also, expose the affair to more people if you want to completely destroy it. Affairs thrive on secrecy. If there is any chance that the secrecy is still available, the affair can and probably will start back up.

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Sometimes I feel like that little tiny bit of hope is our worst enemy.

Agree with Fender, you need to figure out what you want now that everything's changed. And the ballgame has changed now. Trust is going to be a huge issue for you for quite some time.

 

I'm like you. I want to fix things with my wife, I love her, and don't want to lose her. I want to stand up and fight for what I want.

But there's that gut feeling that says, if she treated you like this, then her feelings were never what you once thought, and maybe you'll be better off finding someone else and starting a fresh.

 

Me personally, I can be abit bitter sometimes, so I easily dwell on the past. Which means I'm not going to forgive and forget easily.

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, she now wants to move back tommorow and make things work!! WTF?!

 

I really need some help on this guys, please help!

 

An emotional affair is as bad as a physical, anyway, here's what you need to do.

 

When she calls to ask if she can come back your words to wife,

 

"I need a couple of days to think about this, I need some time and space to process whats happened, thanks for respecting my wishes" (don't answer any of her calls during this time)

 

Then,

 

Take the next few days out, no communication with you and your wife, try to get a smuch emotional stuff out as possible on your own or with mates.

 

When she calls you back tell her

 

"I'm not ready for you to move back in with me yet, I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore (sounds familiar). I don't want a divorce but I think we need some space (see how you turn the tables on her).

 

This is the test over the coming weeks, if she really wants to get back with you she will break down the door to do it. You need to let her keep trying, remember don't make it too easy for her. When you are ready, you could lay down some conditions.

 

Repeat. The biggest mistake many people make is allowing their WS back too easily, it's a recipe for the same mistake being repeated.

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I agree with rob - if you decide to follow his advice I would add one more thing... if she comes back give her a list of "must do's and don't's" for example:

 

  • I must have all of your e-mail and internet passwords
  • you will give me your phone to check for calls and messages whenever I ask
  • You will respect the fact that I don't trust you right now

that's a start, if you do a bit of research on this site there is more specific information on this, please look that up..

 

If you are afraid that sounds too controlling then I would suggest not letting her back until you understand why you need to do this...

 

I wish you well...

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Guys, thanks so much for the advice but I fear I messed up already....

 

The last month I have been beside myself, not understanding any of it and just wanting a chance to have my wife and daughter back home...so when she said she wanted to come back I agreed to it staright away although I wanted a few conditions....

 

A) I wanted to hear her tell her Dad, that she had lied to him, she had been silly but now realised she did want to make things work with me, the reason for this is I had told he Dad about the affair and I knew the fact that he knew was the most devastating thing that could happen to her.

 

B) She had to email this guy, saying a similar thing, that she has realised she has been foolish, and she does love her husband and she is moving back, so it would not be appropriate for them to ever have any more contact.

 

I haven't had either so far, and she maintains that her talking to this other guy had no bearing on our situation at all, and she was unhappy anyway which lead to her speaking to this guy in the first place.... which is what she has told her parents...

 

Now I feel, that the fear she had when I first found out of the EA has died abit because her parents haven't gone mad and kicked her out so I feel once again she is backing off... She now says she may stay over this weekend (but deffo no sex) but lets see how the next few days goes (its our daughters 2nd birthday tomm).... This is exactly what she was doing before...we would arrange days out to see if we could work at things, and I even took her and my daughter away for 3 nights and spent a fortune, and everytime she was so cold towards me...now I have read these emails she sent to this guy and read what she thought of our days out etc... she dreaded them and hated me so had no real intention of fixing anything she was doing it to make people think she was making a effort, I bought her flowers for our wedding anniversary and wrote her a long letter...she wrote to this guy "what a waste of time and money!"..

 

I still have access to the email account she was using, and infact she doesn't have access anymore because I changed the password...They have emailed every day for the past 2 months even though he is frontline in Afganistan but he has not sent one email since I confronted her yesterday...so I now suspect she has emailed him from a different account, even though she says she will not speak to him again and has had no contact with him since I found out.... I don't believe her but I can't prove anything now... It is possible this guy is busy and a email will come shortly but if he sends no more, I will know she must have contacted him somehow!!

 

What a mess...don't know what to do now because I'm not sure what she is really thinking and if I play the game of saying I dont want her to come back yet, i think once again now she won't care..... God I hate this

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you set conditions with no consequences - when she didn't do the two things you asked there should have been an immediate response from you... my condition would have been: if you don't do these things then we will break up for good...

 

What a mess...don't know what to do now because I'm not sure what she is really thinking and if I play the game of saying I dont want her to come back yet, i think once again now she won't care..... God I hate this

 

it's not a game - you may want her back but it should be on your terms, right now she has zero interst in you as long as she is still contacting this guy... time to be blunt here - grow a pair and stand up for yourself (set boundaries!!!), in the end that is the best thing you can do for you and everyone involved!

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Baz: I am so sorry..I know your pain. I just wish I could reach out and help you. I seem to be floundering in the same water and swimming against the same tides. (((BAZ)))

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Thanks for the advice guys but I think this one is doomed. I've tried to lay down the rules but she just won't accept them. I have found out that she has emailed this guy even though I asked her not to... She claims she asked him not to email her.. Long story and will explain later! I asked her to show me to prove that's all she said and she won't..... I have requested again that she emails this guy and says she has decided to try to make things work with her husband so doesn't think it apropriate they have any further contact... She refuses to do that!

So I have made a appointment at solicitors tomorrow to file for divorce... So sad but I feel I have tried everything I can... Saddest thing is I know she will regret it one day.... But then it will be too late.... She has completely destroyed me... I am broken and forced into a life I don't want to lead... If we didn't have a child I would still be devastated but we have and that makes it so much more painful. Its her 2nd birthday today... If I was strong enough (don't worry I'm not, and not selfish enough) I would kill myself today.... I want this pain to go away so bad

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comments in BOLD

 

Thanks for the advice guys but I think this one is doomed. I've tried to lay down the rules but she just won't accept them. I have found out that she has emailed this guy even though I asked her not to... She claims she asked him not to email her.. Long story and will explain later! I asked her to show me to prove that's all she said and she won't..... I have requested again that she emails this guy and says she has decided to try to make things work with her husband so doesn't think it apropriate they have any further contact... She refuses to do that!

So I have made a appointment at solicitors tomorrow to file for divorce... So sad but I feel I have tried everything I can...

 

True - it is sad but you can look back and know you tried. She can't

 

Saddest thing is I know she will regret it one day.... But then it will be too late....

 

She may regret it, she may not... but you know what the best thing is? if that day ever comes where she regrets it you won't care!

 

She has completely destroyed me... I am broken and forced into a life I don't want to lead... If we didn't have a child I would still be devastated but we have and that makes it so much more painful. Its her 2nd birthday today... If I was strong enough (don't worry I'm not, and not selfish enough) I would kill myself today.... I want this pain to go away so bad

 

NO!!!! SHE HAS NOT DESTROYED YOU! I know it feels like hell now but trust me you will not only heal but you will be BETTER OFF! Please find a good counselor - it will help you through this... take care...

 

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I feel for you Baz, I know it sounds simplistic, but it will get better. In the mean time you going to be up and down, all over the place. For the present, get yourself some counseling, contact your friends and family, they will help you. I don't know how I could have got through the first couple of months without mine. The only saving grace in all this is at least you are still young and don't have 20-30 years invested in this marriage to look back on and wonder about.

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Dude, this guy sounds like he's in the military. I don't know where you're from but if it's the US. Adultry is punishable under the UCMJ. I would find out what unit this guy is in and what base he's from. Once you have that information, contact that base's Legal Department. Explain to them that this guy is carrying on an inappropriate relationship with your wife and you want it stopped. The Base Legal will contact this guys unit commander and they will put a stop to it by giving him a direct order to due so. If he contacts your wife again, he goes to jail.

 

Do not tell your wife you're doing this. If one day she goes ballistic on you. You know she found out and she lied to you again. She had no intention of NOT stopping contact with this guy.

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In reading your posts I get the impression you're saying if you knew what your wife was thinking or feeling, you'd have a better idea where you stand and some possible answers as to what to say and do to save your marriage.

 

Please know this is a common reaction the betrayed experience when experiencing infidelity. But know this; she's playing under a new set of rules, and you're still working with the old ones. The game has changed.

 

I say 'game' because in your wife's eyes, that's exactly what she's doing. Running game. She's into another guy, but there are many scary unknowns. This prompts her to not completely shut the door on your marriage, meaning that in all things that matter, she's wiping her behind with your feelings. Tell me; does that sound like love to you? Does that sound like something a loving wife would do? At some point, you're going to have to start judging her by her actions and stop playing around with ideas you think will change her mind. Before anything else can happen positively for you, there must be some respect in place. She will not respect you -ever- if you continue to allow her to keep everyone in limbo.

 

My advice? Prove your love by giving her exactly what she wants. However, make it clear that this new found freedom goes both ways. From this point on, she has no say in your person dealings, your decisions, or your plans for the future. Set her free. Set yourself free in the process. Look; I know it's hard and I know you want to keep your family together. But understand the decision to set her free was initiated by her. You are simply reacting the way any man would whose wife is in love with another man. It's called survival mode and it isn't easy. But it is better than living with someone who cannot be trusted. That is not living. That is slowly dying every day.

 

I respectfully advise you to stay out of her business, and the business of her other man. The brutality of that coming apart (trust me: it will come apart) will be much more profound if you have nothing to do with it.

 

You can only control you. True love holds marriages together, not force, schemes or obligation. Real love gets stronger in conflict. Not weaker.

 

File for divorce and move ahead with your life. If she comes back to you with questions or wants another try, seriously consider exactly how you want to live. Don't let her or anyone else influence you. Be a man.

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Thanks again Guys, some great advice and it all really helps:)

 

I am feeling slightly more positive today. I know I have done all I can to rectify the situation. I also know none of this is my fault.

 

I have provided for my family the best I could...I have a good job, I bought us a lovely brand new house, she has a nice car, I pay for everything, I cook, I clean, I was attentive to her and our daughter, I didn't let myself go, I'm still fit and attractive, I didn't even leave the toilet seat up! But she wants a 24 year old soldier who doesn't even have anywhere to live, he stays on peoples sofas when hes not with work!!??

 

Now saying all that, I don't admit to beng perfect, infact far from it. I put my hands up and acknowledge areas where I could have been better and not got stressed and caused some of the rows we had, but it really was never that bad.

 

And hey, guess what, shes not perfect either. She thinks she is though. She is very attractive and a very nice person and everyone thinks shes wonderful. However only I know that she is not all that all the time and actually can be a right pain in the A*SE!!

 

I know I have done all I can do to rectify the situation.

 

Its my daughter that makes me feel the most pain. I would have loved for us to all be together and share great experiences and Christmas' together etc. etc.

 

But there is nothing more I can do. If she wants this guy he's welcome to her, I'm sure he wont stick around for long.

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Dude, this guy sounds like he's in the military. I don't know where you're from but if it's the US. Adultry is punishable under the UCMJ. I would find out what unit this guy is in and what base he's from. Once you have that information, contact that base's Legal Department. Explain to them that this guy is carrying on an inappropriate relationship with your wife and you want it stopped. The Base Legal will contact this guys unit commander and they will put a stop to it by giving him a direct order to due so. If he contacts your wife again, he goes to jail.

 

Do not tell your wife you're doing this. If one day she goes ballistic on you. You know she found out and she lied to you again. She had no intention of NOT stopping contact with this guy.

 

I'm in the UK, does this apply to the UK military?

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I have provided for my family the best I could...I have a good job, I bought us a lovely brand new house, she has a nice car, I pay for everything, I cook, I clean, I was...*snip*...But she wants a 24 year old soldier who doesn't even have anywhere to live, he stays on peoples sofas when hes not with work!!??

 

It's common for cheaters to trade down and the betrayed trade up. That said, your wife's choice of lover is typical. It's a guess on my part, but she's gaining a lot more control with him than she has with you. Many don't realize the laws of attraction have (at least) as much to do with how a person feels about themselves as it does another person. Translation: this guy isn't your problem, your wife is. That's why it's a waste of time to intervene. He's just a pawn. The enemy is within.

 

Some people are givers, some are takers. You've provided much for your family and that's commendable, but make sure you're doing these things for the right reason. Many 'give' to receive; they give as insurance against loneliness, to keep sex coming, or to keep a person indebted to them in an effort to maintain control. That isn't love. We should give because we love.

 

Not justifying anything, but it is possible your wife feels this way. The giver sees it as not being appreciative, the taker justifies betrayal as the first steps towards independence. Attraction can't be bought, or bargained for.

 

She is very attractive and a very nice person and everyone thinks shes wonderful.
She'll use that attractiveness to her advantage; a painful reality. When you understand what you're up against, it's easier to make wise decisions.

 

In your case, I'd get to the bottom of the issue with direct conversation, all the while understanding the only thing you can control is you. The reality of the situation must come to her in a way she can trust. Step back from the marriage and take a good, hard look at it. There is no excuse for cheating, but if you desire mutual trust, you'll have to earn it back.

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