My World has fallen apart

[karnak]

Steadfast:

 

You should receive some sort of award. Your opinions are worth gold. You're by far one of the best posters on this forum.

 

You, sir, seem to be a real gentleman.

[baz9239]

I have now been to a solicitor but not yet filed for divorce, as its so damn expensive!! However my wife thinks I am going to, and still doesn't seem to care apart from says "can we let the dust settle" and "divorce just seems so final". When I question why she says that, I get nothing in response.

 

I suspect see is still emailing this guy. I have now only gone 1 whole day with no contact, do I keep up with no contact, although I will have to text her to see my daughter at the weekend?

 

Also this guy comes back from Afghanistan in 2 weeks, Should I email him? I actually do believe he would stay away from my wife if I told him the situation, he lives along way from us and am convinced he would if I asked. Or should I do nothing. If I do nothing and my wife sleeps with him, I will hurt even more and for me there would be no way back.

 

What should I do?

[Owl]

You should cause your wife to suffer some form of "consequence" for her actions in continuing to remain in contact with OM after you have laid down the requirements to her.

 

She doesn't seem to really believe you'll file for divorce. She's not taking you seriously.

 

You should sit down with her, tonight, and tell her that you want to discuss the distribution of property and finances, so that you can speed up the divorce process (I'm not saying to file today...I'm suggesting that you sit down with her tonight with a legal pad and start discussing dividing bills, who gets what household items, etc...).

 

Let her see where this is going. If she tries to blow you off like she has in the past (divorce seems so final), tell her that she's leaving you no other choice, and you're trying to do this the best way that you know how.

 

Discuss with her who should move out, and who should stay in the house. Talk about which person will need to open their own seperate checking account, etc... Ask her how soon she'll be moving out, etc...

 

In other words...start making this go from being some "abstract idea of divorce" to letting her see and suffer the pain of realizing that this is going to happen if she doesn't stop what she's doing.

 

See where I'm going here?

[baz9239]

She has already moved out and is living with her parents. I have talked to her until I'm blue in the face and nothing gets a reaction from her, she is emotionless towards me at the moment. I don't know this person anymore, she is not my wife, at least not the one I married!

She has managed to convince her parents not that the problems are not due to her EA with this guy and that she was so unhappy she was going to leave anyway, so her talking to this guy came after... which is BS!!

 

So many people I talk to do not understand the power of Emotional Affairs, this has changed my wife completely and is the reason this has all happened, although she did get herself in the place where she iniated it...

 

I'm so up and down at the moment its driving me nuts, but I know talking to her doesn't help anything... But I'm wondering if I can stop this emotional affair becoming a physical affair by contacting this guy before he comes back should I? Like i said above I believe if I told him the situation he would leave her alone, I know that sounds strange but I genuinely believe he would. So do I email him, or just let it continue?

[Owl]

I've found that talking with the OW/OM rarely results in them actually "backing off".

 

Entirely unsuccessful in my wife's EA for certain.

 

Frankly, if she's that emotionally 'checked out' of the marriage and relationship with you, there's probably little you can do.

 

Given what you've described, I'd suggest that you go to "plan B".

 

Backoff. Leave her alone entirely. Rather than try to initiate contact between the two of you...take a break on your own part. Start focusing on taking care of yourself instead. Start working out, running, spending time with friends and family. Take the time to knock out whatever projects around the home you've wanted to get done. Resume an old hobby,start a new one. Take this coming up weekend and go camping/hiking/whatever.

 

Start taking care of yourself is the bottom line. Look at things you can improve IN YOUR OWN LIFE, and spend the time and energy you have available to focus on that.

 

This has two major benefits.

 

First off...doing that, rather than pursuing her, is far more likely to catch her notice than bugging her all the time. It's kind of like a dance...when you step towards her, she steps away from you. But if you step away from her...she'll notice the gap and try to fill it by coming to you.

 

The second benefit is key. You're improving yourself. You're prepping yourself in the chance that she doesn't come back. You're improving your self-esteem, your own well-being and happiness. That's all nothing but good.

 

Don't waste time trying to call him and convince him to back off. It'll make you look weak and needy. It won't work, but it will backfire on you.

 

Instead, just back off and let her wonder what in the heck is going on because suddenly you're no longer chasing after her.

 

Make sense?

[baz9239]

Yes, that makes total sense thank you. I had kinda reached that decision myself but needed to here it from someone else. I'm just worried that by the time my wife realises (because I'm sure she will) that this whole scenario is crazy and this is not what she really wants, too much will have gone on and it will be too late.

 

But there really is nothing more I can do but get on with my life, although I'm sure I'm going to be financially stiffed at some point in all this!