country_gurl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 No, they were planning to meet in a hotel at evening time. But she wanted him to also come to the house during the day (when I'm at work). I found out about this, so I got there and busted them. I said to myself and also here, that I was fed up with seeing them again with no action on my part. I'm still not clear though...........what location did you "bust" them at? Was it at your home? (I ask because you mention that they were "planning" to meet at a hotel in the evening..........and that she "wanted" him to come to your home during the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 turnera, I sort of agree with you. She has to come clean and deal with what she did. She is asking me not to do that as it will sure mean that we are splitting. That's what she said when i mention that i will say that to my parents. 2long, She is telling me that by me exposing her to all the family, it will only destroy our kids and out families. I do understand that it will cause everyone to look at the kids in a bad light. In some sense it will even humilliate me. Circular, It is true. I'm kind of shy and living in a shame that something like that could have happened to me. It is quite humilliating. What does it show about my character, my sense of understanding, my reading of my W of the last 7 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm still not clear though...........what location did you "bust" them at? Was it at your home? (I ask because you mention that they were "planning" to meet at a hotel in the evening..........and that she "wanted" him to come to your home during the day. Sorry. I found out that they are about to meet in my house too at noon time. That was in addition to the meeting at evening/night in the hotel that was the "main event" I busted them in my house. Though it was in a guest room and not in my own bedroom. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 She has to come clean and deal with what she did. Yes she does... ...for her own good. Not for anyone else. She is asking me not to do that as it will sure mean that we are splitting. Splitting what? Your "marriage?" Are you not divorcing? 2long, She is telling me that by me exposing her to all the family, it will only destroy our kids and out families. Nonsense! Any "destruction" is her doing, and it's already been done. Telling the truth is the first step 2ward putting things right. I do understand that it will cause everyone to look at the kids in a bad light. How the hell will it do that? In some sense it will even humilliate me. And her cheating on you multiple times and having an OC without your knowledge or consent doesn't humiliate you?? She's got you firmly under control! It is true. I'm kind of shy and living in a shame that something like that could have happened to me. It is quite humilliating. What does it show about my character, my sense of understanding, my reading of my W of the last 7 years? When you come 2 the realization that you are in no way responsible for her conscious choices 2 cheat on you, you might be able 2 start your own healing. At worst, you're guilty of trusting your wife blindly. Everyone who's been betrayed knows how that feels at first. And most do learn that it says more positive about their character than negative - you kept the promises you made in your wedding vows, and it's only na2ral that you'd expect your wife 2 do the same. Don't EVER blame your naivete of the past for what your wife has done. Just learn from the experience and go forward. And protect those kids (but not by lying 2 them, like your wife wants you 2 be a party 2 by keeping her secrets for her) -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 She is telling me that by me exposing her to all the family, it will only destroy our kids and out families. I do understand that it will cause everyone to look at the kids in a bad light. In some sense it will even humilliate me. Say WHAT? How on earth could your children be viewed in a bad light based on the whorish behavior of your cheating wife? That is a load of steaming horse manure. Your wife's actions are absolutely ZERO reflection on your innocent children and I'm amazed that you can't see this. I am also amazed, now that you've clarified, that you busted your cheating wife gobbling the knob of her lover - IN YOUR HOME, and you are buying her BS, that you've not kicked her dirty a$$ out, that you're not exposing her for what she's done. I'm sorry but I really believe that you are a TROLL. I felt that way way back in the beginning, then decided to give you the benefit of a doubt.....but as you continue to post, I am convinced that you're making all of this up because no man on this planet could have gone to the lengths you've alleged to have gone through to get to the "truth" of what your wife is doing, be so stoked to "bust them", finally DO IT (bust them) yet still be allowing her under your roof, listening to her crap. No self-respecting man would know his wife was a cheating wh0re and has been for some time now (even going so far as to having been impregnated by another man but passing that child off as yours), then need to actually "bust them in the act".......then the busting has occurred and you still haven't kicked her out, you have not outed her to her family, you won't tell her that you've had dNA testing done which confirms the youngest child is NOT yours. Sorry pal, but I believe you are a troll. Maybe some bored psychology major who's concocted this scenario to get 'feedback' for some paper you're writing. Maybe just some bored troll who's gotten a real kick out of receiving 18 pages of responses. I don't know what your real scoop is but I think you are full of shyte. I was suspicious of you from the start, due to the very inflammatory/controversial "heading" of this thread (about the "bastard kid"). Shame on you. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicMan1234 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Nick, You confronted her! Congratulations! You've taken the first step to a healthier and happier existence. But don't lose that momentum! Right now you're hesitating because she's threatening seperation if you expose her. She's just living in denial about her actions and doesn't want to deal with the consequences. And she's manipulating you, the same way she's been manipulating you your whole marriage. Through threats, and shifting to negative consequences onto you to scare you into submission. Nick, after what she's been doing, you don't owe her anything. And I doubt any action you take could be worse for you than anything that she has already done. Expose her to all her friends and family, find out if the OM is married and expose the affair to her, or his family, whatever. Just expose, expose, expose. Wife's workplace could also be a good one. Your objective is to be as unforgiving as possible. Remember what I said about humiliating her? Look, I hope you're not considering R, because that would not be good for you. Kick her to the curb. On a different note, have you decided what you want to do about the kid? Edited October 13, 2011 by MusicMan1234 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Say WHAT? How on earth could your children be viewed in a bad light based on the whorish behavior of your cheating wife? That is a load of steaming horse manure. Your wife's actions are absolutely ZERO reflection on your innocent children and I'm amazed that you can't see this. I am also amazed, now that you've clarified, that you busted your cheating wife gobbling the knob of her lover - IN YOUR HOME, and you are buying her BS, that you've not kicked her dirty a$$ out, that you're not exposing her for what she's done. I'm sorry but I really believe that you are a TROLL. I felt that way way back in the beginning, then decided to give you the benefit of a doubt.....but as you continue to post, I am convinced that you're making all of this up because no man on this planet could have gone to the lengths you've alleged to have gone through to get to the "truth" of what your wife is doing, be so stoked to "bust them", finally DO IT (bust them) yet still be allowing her under your roof, listening to her crap. No self-respecting man would know his wife was a cheating wh0re and has been for some time now (even going so far as to having been impregnated by another man but passing that child off as yours), then need to actually "bust them in the act".......then the busting has occurred and you still haven't kicked her out, you have not outed her to her family, you won't tell her that you've had dNA testing done which confirms the youngest child is NOT yours. Sorry pal, but I believe you are a troll. Maybe some bored psychology major who's concocted this scenario to get 'feedback' for some paper you're writing. Maybe just some bored troll who's gotten a real kick out of receiving 18 pages of responses. I don't know what your real scoop is but I think you are full of shyte. I was suspicious of you from the start, due to the very inflammatory/controversial "heading" of this thread (about the "bastard kid"). Shame on you. I'm starting to agree. Who would call a child they loved a "bastard"? The paper is no doubt titled "Cuckolds". Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 turnera, I sort of agree with you. She has to come clean and deal with what she did. She is asking me not to do that as it will sure mean that we are splitting. So, you are letting HER make the rules? Seriously? She is telling me that by me exposing her to all the family, it will only destroy our kids and out families. I do understand that it will cause everyone to look at the kids in a bad light. In some sense it will even humilliate me.This is PURE GASLIGHTING and you're still falling for it. It will NOT destroy your kids. It will TEACH your kids that you stand up for what is right and FIGHT what is wrong. What's your job - pleasing your cheating wife or raising ethical kids? Or is the humiliation what you're really getting at? You don't want YOU to look bad? So you'll let your kids learn that cheating is ok, as long as no one knows about it? Sheesh. It is true. I'm kind of shy and living in a shame that something like that could have happened to me. It is quite humilliating. What does it show about my character, my sense of understanding, my reading of my W of the last 7 years? It says you care more about your own comfort than doing the right thing or teaching your kids the right thing. It says you have so little self esteem that you'd rather accept her crumbs and let her cheat than stand up to her and face looking for someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm starting to agree. Who would call a child they loved a "bastard"? The paper is no doubt titled "Cuckolds".To be fair, people who are not American born would use that term for an illegitimate child, as that is its true definition. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Nick, your case calls for a polygraph. Not necessarily for what the test will say, as they can be cheated, but for the psychological burden it places on her. In fact, most cheaters who have to take one spill the beans on the way to the test; they don't want to get caught withholding stuff. I'm pretty sure you're going to find out you have a long line of 'boyfriends' over the last 10 years. You're just the one she chose to marry so you could pay for everything; the easy one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 2long, I think that she referred to hurting our family as the way that my parents and relatives would look at my W... In sense, she is correct here. If/when i expose her to my family, she would automatically become enemy #1, the worst person on earth, someone that non of my relatives could look into her eyes. country_gurl, I'm not a F$%^ troll. For crying out loud. Obviously there is something (major) wrong with me to allow all that - I agree. Honestly, my biggest issue right now is that i don't want her to go to him. I know that if i kick her out, she is going to him. That is extremly painful to me. I was fighting to prevent her from "seeing" him for 7-8 weeks, and now after I busted her, you want me to simply let her go to him so they can be together all night long and day after... That idea is very painful to me. But...on the other hand, I agree with most of you here that she already created so much damage, and if I have the minimal self respect, I should kick her out and not look back. I'm really torn. Is it crazy or stupid or what that I still "have" feelings to her? If I could put her in a freezer, I would do that in a heart beat. I can not handle her with another man right now, sure not the one she has been doing for last year... Do you understand me? MusicMan1234, The problem with her is that she cannot handle the consequences of her actions... Even today in the morning, she said that she feels so sorry for hurting me...and i asked her how come she didn't feel that way just 1.5 days ago (before i busted her)? That is just amazing, how she was totally fine in screwing another man full course for so long, and didn't care one cent about me and my feelings. It was simply not important to her...But Now after I busted her, she suddenly sees how that hurt me. She said the busting woke her up.... And about the kid, that is even worse. I want to raise him even though i know it is not mine. You can look at that as adopted kid, it happens every day. The part the sucks is that I was blessed by God to have ability to have/make kids of my own (some can't). And this woman took that from me with this child. Also, what happens after I tell her that i know about the kid...she might say OK, "so it is not yours" I'm taking it with me. F off... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 OK...so you got your wish, and you busted her. Now what? What's your PLAN going forward? What's your goal, what's your plan for reaching your goal, and what are you doing RIGHT NOW to implement that plan to reach that goal? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Dude! Who cares what your family or her family will think of her? She did this, not you. She has been cheating on you for, probably, your entire marriage! She had another mans child and passed it off as yours!!!! How much disrespect are you gonna take! I mean, you said it yourself! You're divorcing her! Aren't you? Tell her you know that your son isn't biologically yours! And do you know what? She can't take him away from you because I'm fairly sure YOU'RE named the father on the birth certificate! Sometimes, that's a hard document to have changed and it costs a lot in court fee's to make it happen. Plus! chances are judges will recongize the fact that you have been raising that child as your own under false pretenses and may award you visitation anyways! Doesn't hurt to look into it! Hell, most family courts have to deal with absent fathers and deadbeat Dads! To hear you stepping up to the plate to be the father of this kid speaks volumes! Don't sit on this for two months like you did for confrontation! Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I would not worry about her taking this child away from you by law the child is considered yours and she would be hurting the children and herself. Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad.This child is no different then your other-one you have been raising them the same. So many men walk out on their own children its sad.Maybe she is not sure who the father is but knows you are the best dad. You do what you feel is best in this part of the situation outing her has been done already now concentrate on protecting your children and figure out if you want counseling or want to move on. God bless Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 2long, I think that she referred to hurting our family as the way that my parents and relatives would look at my W... Nick, you still don't get it! She's done the hurting! It's now your oppor2nity 2 start the healing! You can't do that by protecting her secret! Frankly, if there's anything in what you've posted that might make me suspect you're story is contrived, it's your reaction here. What part of "100% of the affair is your WW's responsibility and none of yours is" do you not grasp? And why can't you understand that it's the lies and the sneaking around that caused the hurt, and that the only thing that can possibly be liberating at this point - either for you OR your WW - is the truth? In sense, she is correct here. If/when i expose her to my family, she would automatically become enemy #1, the worst person on earth, someone that non of my relatives could look into her eyes. No, in no sense whatsoever is she correct here. She's manipulating you (and successfully, I might add) 2 keep her dirty secret under the carpet. She doesn't automatically become enemy #1 upon exposure of the truth, but she certainly could if she does nothing 2 repent for her behavior for all these years. Honestly, my biggest issue right now is that i don't want her to go to him. I know that if i kick her out, she is going to him. That is extremly painful to me. I was fighting to prevent her from "seeing" him for 7-8 weeks, and now after I busted her, you want me to simply let her go to him so they can be together all night long and day after... That idea is very painful to me. I understand this feeling, if it were only recently that you learned of her "lifestyle", but it hasn't been. You've known she's been unfaithful for at least 6 years. BSs at this stage tend 2 realize that their chances of recovering their marriages are far greater if the WS is allowed 2 flail away with their OP 2 their hearts content, so long as they get ALL their "emotional needs" met by the OP, and leave the BS and their family alone. The risk is very real that the BS will lose interest in recovery long before the WS pulls their head out of their nethers, of course. But it's a better risk 2 take than what you're doing now, which is essentially nothing (and in effect is simply enabling her 2 continue, which she will do if you don't expose 2 everybody). But...on the other hand, I agree with most of you here that she already created so much damage, and if I have the minimal self respect, I should kick her out and not look back. I'm really torn. Is it crazy or stupid or what that I still "have" feelings to her? If I could put her in a freezer, I would do that in a heart beat. I can not handle her with another man right now, sure not the one she has been doing for last year... Do you understand me? It's not logical, but it's understandable. The truth is that you can't make her do anything she doesn't want 2 do, and you shouldn't want 2. But you can certainly pee in her cheerios by exposing the affair 2 your families and the OM's family. She will still probably try 2 take her lifestyle further underground, but with everyone watching what she does after exposure it'll be harder 2 do, and a helluva lot less fun. And like I said, you'll reach a point where you won't be so clingy anymore and won't care 2 have her around if she's not going 2 make massive changes (and there are no signs yet that she's even interested). The problem with her is that she cannot handle the consequences of her actions... But she was able 2 handle her affairs, wasn't she? The simple fact is that she doesn't get 2 avoid the consequences, and you need 2 stop helping her 2 avoid them. Even if you don't tell her what you know and don't expose her affair, the consequences will come back 2 bite her, but it will likely take many years for that 2 happen, and what will be left of your self-respect at that time? Even today in the morning, she said that she feels so sorry for hurting me...and i asked her how come she didn't feel that way just 1.5 days ago (before i busted her)? That is just amazing, how she was totally fine in screwing another man full course for so long, and didn't care one cent about me and my feelings. It was simply not important to her...But Now after I busted her, she suddenly sees how that hurt me. She said the busting woke her up.... Don't buy this. She shows no real remorse. And about the kid, that is even worse. I want to raise him even though i know it is not mine. You can look at that as adopted kid, it happens every day. You still sound 2 detached from your son here. Another reason people might suspect this story isn't real. I've seen long-time members of another forum make up entire stories with fake usernames - for reasons I can't quite fathom (like, who has the time for this nonsense?), but they do. Anyway, I'd feel better if you described this "kid" as your son, or "it" as him. People do adopt OCs all the time and raise them as their own. Since you didn't know your son is an OC until recently, you are legally his father. Use this simple fact 2 his and your advantage. The part the sucks is that I was blessed by God to have ability to have/make kids of my own (some can't). And this woman took that from me with this child. What, did she castrate you? Make you get a vasectomy? "This kid" is not in any way 2 blame for what your W has done and is doing. Also, what happens after I tell her that i know about the kid...she might say OK, "so it is not yours" I'm taking it with me. F off... Talk 2 a lawyer. But I'm pretty sure that would be kidnapping. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I think Nickster doesn't want (his) parents to know because they will hate her and he wants them to be able to reconcile and be a family. He probably thinks that by busting his wife in person she could'nt lie her way out of the fact that she is having affairs as she has in the past. He wants her to feel guilty about the pain she has caused him and feel bad enough about that abuse to never cheat on him again. He doesn't want to look into his rights regarding this child because he doesn't want this family to break up. I don't see how you can still want that skank after everything you know. She will not stop even if you catch her 100 more times because she doesn't respect you as a man. I doubt she would do this to the other guy because he would probably wouldn't let her get away with it and she would love him for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 LadyGrey, I didn't mean to insult my son about calling him bustard. It is just a term and fact of live for me. (I don't think i can rename that thread title now) 2long, Yes, her cheating is her fault. she chose to do that. And i know she is telling me stories. Others have mentioned it here about the reason for me to bust them. I think i already said that but basically just after i busted them and the OM left, i set her down and asked her on what is going on? And she replied cold headed that he just came by and she didn't see him for a year and they just kissed...She wouldn't admit nothing unless i was able to prove it. That drove me crazy. Even her telling me that he never finished inside. I had to prove that he did by lab test on one of her used tampons. stillafool, I actually do want to tell my parents. I think it will relieve me from this pressure inside me. I pretty much know their expected reaction...They would probably tell me to dump her and fast. But of course part of my two month delay was to seek a way to make my family whole. I grew up in a family that never had any major arguments between the parents, and my parents are still together after 37 years of marriage. This issue is totally not in my dictionary / vocabulary. My W is not a skank, she fell in love with the two OMs. She is not banging new man every other day. But I think you have a valid point about if I was to bust her 100 more times....she would still do that as she always finds a way to land on her feet / manipulate me into forgiving her... Lastly, I tend to believe that the (relatively) easy way that i forgave her for the 1st cheating made her very prone to cheat again.... To make it worse, after I forgave her...She STILL kept that affair alive for at least 2 more years and i have my young son to prove that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 ...I understand this feeling, if it were only recently that you learned of her "lifestyle", but it hasn't been. You've known she's been unfaithful for at least 6 years. BSs at this stage tend 2 realize that their chances of recovering their marriages are far greater if the WS is allowed 2 flail away with their OP 2 their hearts content, so long as they get ALL their "emotional needs" met by the OP, and leave the BS and their family alone. The risk is very real that the BS will lose interest in recovery long before the WS pulls their head out of their nethers, of course. But it's a better risk 2 take than what you're doing now, which is essentially nothing (and in effect is simply enabling her 2 continue, which she will do if you don't expose 2 everybody). That is interesting point, can you explain what you mean. Are telling me that i should let her go if that is what she wants, and if she ever decides to come back and if at that point I'm interested to take her back, it would be a good reason to reconcile? And like I said, you'll reach a point where you won't be so clingy anymore and won't care 2 have her around if she's not going 2 make massive changes (and there are no signs yet that she's even interested). That will probably only happen if I will find a "replacement" for her. And in that case, I sure would not care that much if she's with another guy... ...But she was able 2 handle her affairs, wasn't she? The simple fact is that she doesn't get 2 avoid the consequences, and you need 2 stop helping her 2 avoid them. Even if you don't tell her what you know and don't expose her affair, the consequences will come back 2 bite her, but it will likely take many years for that 2 happen, and what will be left of your self-respect at that time?... Yeah, I actually told her that. I told her, we can prolong our relationship maybe...but we will not last forever unless she really come clean and confesses with all the stuff she did. The one thing I want now so much is that she would come to me today, and confess about the son's real dad and the fact that she lied to me about it. I think if she does that with her initiative, it would mean a lot to me. As she hasn't done that ....I tend to agree with most of you here that she is a lost case. As you said: "She shows no real remorse." You still sound 2 detached from your son here. Another reason people might suspect this story isn't real. Ok, I will refrain from calling it kid, and call him my young son. She didn't castrate me... I just wanted to say that she didn't enable me to have my second biological son as i wanted to. But had me without my will to grow up a child that somebody else fathered. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 you'll reach a point where you won't be so clingy anymore and won't care 2 have her around if she's not going 2 make massive changes (and there are no signs yet that she's even interested). That will probably only happen if I will find a "replacement" for her. And in that case, I sure would not care that much if she's with another guy... So you're saying unless you have another woman to replace her, you'll take whatever crumbs she throws your way? What does that say about you and your self-worth? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 There is only one way I can see that might salvage this marriage. If you were to set up a really good polygraph test and she tell you everything, ALL the guys she's done, ALL the lies she's told, ALL the things you never even thought of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nickster1 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I didn't mean that about the case if I'm with someone else. I just mentioned that one way to forget her would be to have a good relationship with someone else. There is only one way I can see that might salvage this marriage. If you were to set up a really good polygraph test and she tell you everything, ALL the guys she's done, ALL the lies she's told, ALL the things you never even thought of. I actually found a place that can do polygraph test. I might tell her about this and take her tomorrow or something. I will probably ask her to tell me on other relationships between the two men 5-6 years ago and the current OM. I will ask her if she has really left OM1, or kept sleeping with him I could ask whether she just kissed OM1 like she claims today or went the whole way with him like she is denying. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I actually found a place that can do polygraph test. I might tell her about this and take her tomorrow or something. I will probably ask her to tell me on other relationships between the two men 5-6 years ago and the current OM. I will ask her if she has really left OM1, or kept sleeping with him I could ask whether she just kissed OM1 like she claims today or went the whole way with him like she is denying. Your wife is a well-practiced liar. She has been lying for many years. It part of her soul now. She can easily defeat the polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) I just mentioned that one way to forget her would be to have a good relationship with someone else. As Dr Phil often says, "Before you can have another relationship, you need 2 finish this one first." Even then, you should give yourself some time 2 heal after divorce and develop a good relationship with your kids before you start dating. Edited October 16, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Apparently you are able to accept live with all sorts of humiliation and disrespect. It really sounds like she has mentally destroyed you in many ways. You are willing to accept crumbs for the rest of your life. Do you feel proud and fortunate that she is your wife? If you do then good luck to you. It is so sad what she has turned you into already. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 If it were me, I'd pack her bags tonight and let her figure out how to survive without you. Let her experience life without your money. Then, later, after you both have been alone for awhile, maybe she'll see what she's been taking for granted. At that point, maybe she'll hit rock bottom and come begging for a second chance. At which time you can set REALLY high standards she has to meet. Anything other than that is you asking to be snooping on her for the rest of your life. And, yes, people DO cheat in their 50s and 60s. Link to post Share on other sites
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