husband while separate gets OW pregnant, should I stay with him?

[undecidedmarriage11]

My husband and I had thought settling down would work for us and for a while it did. Until about after our oldest was born we turned it into an open marriage. My husband and I have been married 21 years finally decide to separate soon after our twins were born. Well, that turned into 6 months. While we had separated he had a new relationship with a girl well if I may say of poor character imho. She was under 20 had 2 kids and later found out she had a past of drugs and shady people. She didn't have money. And he let her stay with him in the house we worked for. She tricked him into getting her pregnant and pretty much this girl was imo just looking to get money out of him. Since he's a lawyer and has money. Well, we were reconciling and actually talking about going back together when she finds this out. They get in a fight and she moves out. She tries to blackmail him with the pregnancy saying she wants a lot of money out of him or she won't get an abortion and we'd have to deal with her for a whole other 18 years not pleasant. Anyway, finally he agrees and gives her money. She's had the abortion and so she's out of his life. I haven't really personally been into any relationship with anyone as of yet. I wanted to actually go back to how things were in the beginning of our marriage happily monogamous. He says he's ready to start over but how am I sure of this? I don't want to waste another 5 years if by then he'll say he's not ready to be in this type of relationship. I can't have him do this again to me. I just can't. I don't know nothing he does seems to make me feel sure this situation with another woman won't come up again. Advice? What do you think?

[MissBee]

I will be honest, I cannot relate to any of this. Open marriage, husband impregnating a teenager, paying for an abortion, then trying to get back together; it is all outside of my realm of experience and seems like one of those crazy situations I hear about but have no idea of how it would happen in my life

 

But, I think you guys should go to marriage counseling and put all your issues and fears on the table and figure out whether or not you have GOOD reason to get back together or if you should continue on separate paths.

[carrie999]

My husband and I had thought settling down would work for us and for a while it did. Until about after our oldest was born we turned it into an open marriage. My husband and I have been married 21 years finally decide to separate soon after our twins were born. Well, that turned into 6 months. While we had separated he had a new relationship with a girl well if I may say of poor character imho. She was under 20 had 2 kids and later found out she had a past of drugs and shady people. She didn't have money. And he let her stay with him in the house we worked for. She tricked him into getting her pregnant and pretty much this girl was imo just looking to get money out of him. Since he's a lawyer and has money. Well, we were reconciling and actually talking about going back together when she finds this out. They get in a fight and she moves out. She tries to blackmail him with the pregnancy saying she wants a lot of money out of him or she won't get an abortion and we'd have to deal with her for a whole other 18 years not pleasant. Anyway, finally he agrees and gives her money. She's had the abortion and so she's out of his life. I haven't really personally been into any relationship with anyone as of yet. I wanted to actually go back to how things were in the beginning of our marriage happily monogamous. He says he's ready to start over but how am I sure of this? I don't want to waste another 5 years if by then he'll say he's not ready to be in this type of relationship. I can't have him do this again to me. I just can't. I don't know nothing he does seems to make me feel sure this situation with another woman won't come up again. Advice? What do you think?

 

Seriously? Get out. There is no "back to the beginning." You were in an "open relationship," then separated, and he knocked up a "shady" 20-year-old? Honey, develop some self-respect, focus on your own kids, and focus on yourself. This sounds like an AA thing. You need twelve steps of recovery before you can reach the thirteenth step of actually being in a real relationship. Only then can you hope to find a decent guy who won't treat you this way. Move on!

[undecidedmarriage11]

I feel harsh sometimes to not forgive when I agreed on the separation was for the best. I never said I'd hold any relationship he had against him. But really didn't imagine this...

[woinlove]

Your H chose to get involved with someone so young and someone you describe as shady. Does he understand why? Also, presumably he took the risk of having unprotected sex (unless she secretly sabotaged his condoms or something). All that gives you good reason to question your future with him. You say you were separated, so perhaps there was an understanding he would be with other women? Do you feel he has always been honest with you? If so, that may be a positive to work with - although not necessarily enough. If he has also lied about his involvement with the other woman, then from what you write, that sounds like too big a risk for you. Twins are quite a handful and you need a mostly drama-free life to handle all that.

[woinlove]

I feel harsh sometimes to not forgive when I agreed on the separation was for the best. I never said I'd hold any relationship he had against him. But really didn't imagine this...

 

So it sounds like you did have an agreement he might be with other women. Then it is really his judgement in who he was with - is that correct?

 

I can understand your concerns. If you want to be sure whether you can forgive or not, perhaps you need to try to understand why he chose that partner and risked pregnancy (and I would say if he relied on her using birth control, that is still him taking a real risk). Sadly, it seems not so uncommon for men around 40 to have affairs with women around 20 yrs old, often in secret affairs, lying to their wife. Sometimes it is a one-time thing, like a crazy midlife crisis, and sometimes they really are not mature, responsible men even after. Not that you or anyone has to forgive a midlife crisis. You need to do what you think is best for you -- you don't want to live your life with a partner you no longer respect or trust.

[alexandria35]

So your middle aged husband met a troubled teenage single mother, banged her for a while, then kicked to the curb and insisted she get an abortion because he didn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions. And you say she had poor character? He was not a victim and I don't know why you're trying to blame everything on the girl. Your husband doesn't sound like a very attractive catch to me. He sleeps with teenagers and then doesn't accept responsibility for his choices.

[carhill]

I would suggest not staying with him.

 

I find it very difficult to believe that someone young enough to be his daughter 'tricked' an intelligent and savvy lawyer into fµcking her. That just doesn't scan.

[wannabdone]

So your middle aged husband met a troubled teenage single mother, banged her for a while, then kicked to the curb and insisted she get an abortion because he didn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions. And you say she had poor character? He was not a victim and I don't know why you're trying to blame everything on the girl. Your husband doesn't sound like a very attractive catch to me. He sleeps with teenagers and then doesn't accept responsibility for his choices.

 

 

Agreed. I bolded just a few words that popped out to me.

 

She is a child herself for Gods Sake!!!!

 

I can tell you that even as a middle age woman I struggle with poor judgements. Do you realize how easy it is for a child to be impressionable to an older person????? Seriously????!!!!!

 

You as a WOMAN should feel sorry for her. I certainly do. Is she accountable for her actions, sure she is. But when it comes to basically children, they don't know their head from the azz half the time. My heart really goes out to her being used and treated like a piece of garbage by an old man. Shame on him. You should see this guy for what he is. I know you had an open marriage, I know you accepted the fact her would sleep with other WOMEN, did you also say that that could reach into children as well???? Come on... your husband, who is an attorney is not smart enough to see some red flags of a teenager who already has 2 children and no money??? Are you being serious when you say that. Think about it. It seems to me that your H found himself a young piece of azz that he could control. Bet she would be willing to do whatever he wanted, being so young with two children and flat broke. Bet she thought she had hit a freaking gold mine. And then the "trick of pregnancy".... how does that happen again? Did he or did he not have unprotected sex with her??? Oh, wait she said she was on birth control...and being so bright he didn't realize that she ALREADY HAD TWO KIDS???? Doesn't really take a lawyer to figure out that this girl apparently wasn't too good at remembering to take it. Then we get into she bribes him. WTF did he expect??? That she was going to take the $500 for an abortion and say "see ya, thanks for using me"? Shes young, broke, two children...all the things he knew when he started using her. So what do desperate people do when they want $$$????? Yeah, they bribe.

 

I think any man who screws young girls should have a certain item of their body cut off. IMO.

 

I think you need to get the F away from this fruit. Sure he says he wants to work on it...he knows you could take him to the cleaners. Take 1/2 his money, your kids and go find yourself a man who will be faith ful to you and you only. Go get the life you deserve!! And please, for the love of pete, stop blaming others for your grown husbands actions. He did it...he made the bed, let him lie in it.

[spice4life]

I'm not sure why you are questioning whether or not to stay with a man who used a tenager, knocked her up and then paid her to go away. Yikes...that's pretty disgusting behavior on his part. She is really really young for goodness sakes. Do you have daughters? Can you imagine one of them being used by a man that age like that?

 

Honestly, you should get into therapy and figure out why you are contmplating discounting his actions. They are pretty serious IMHO anyway.

[Emme]

If you love your husband…if you truly love your husband. All circumstances can be worked out. I have seen it with my own. The worst of the worst. The love has to be there. That is where the strength to go through this will come from. If the love is not there please walk away. Only you know if you truly love your husband. If you feel that he truly doesn't love you, you will know. The only way to stay in a marriage that has fallen apart is that love and strength. It will not be easy. As long as you have each other and you have your children, as long as you have the will, it can be done. Think about the choices you have. Remember if the love is there anything is possible.

[country_gurl]

I'd be willing to bet that the OP's husband was the one, way back, to suggest an 'open marriage' and that the OP just went along with it.

 

Shame on a grown man who knocks up a TEENAGE single Mom then pays her off to kill the child they created. How can you even have any respect for him, as a Mom yourself?

[undecidedmarriage11]

If you love your husband…if you truly love your husband. All circumstances can be worked out. I have seen it with my own. The worst of the worst. The love has to be there. That is where the strength to go through this will come from. If the love is not there please walk away. Only you know if you truly love your husband. If you feel that he truly doesn't love you, you will know. The only way to stay in a marriage that has fallen apart is that love and strength. It will not be easy. As long as you have each other and you have your children, as long as you have the will, it can be done. Think about the choices you have. Remember if the love is there anything is possible.

 

I do still love him I think. Sometimes I feel I used to love him now he's changed and sometimes it seems like he's never changed. I know he's accountable for what his actions were. I expected with OW he'd be protected and careful about this but losing life savings may have been the best lesson I'll never know until I try but not sure I want to try.

 

she wasn't a child though. She was 19. And OH is not middle age I don't believe we are at least. I'm 39. He's 41. We married pretty young because of religious beliefs and because we were in love. We eventually changed in beliefs as time goes on now I think though if we had stuck to those beliefs we'd be in such less trouble. Sometimes I think moving on is for the best but then I think maybe for the faily we should try to see if it's workable. We have gone to counseling but doesn't seem to go well. He's uncomfortable with admiting the bad truth to strangers. I don't know guess that's why I'm undecided.

[wannabdone]

I do still love him I think. Sometimes I feel I used to love him now he's changed and sometimes it seems like he's never changed. I know he's accountable for what his actions were. I expected with OW he'd be protected and careful about this but losing life savings may have been the best lesson I'll never know until I try but not sure I want to try.

 

she wasn't a child though. She was 19. And OH is not middle age I don't believe we are at least. I'm 39. He's 41. We married pretty young because of religious beliefs and because we were in love. We eventually changed in beliefs as time goes on now I think though if we had stuck to those beliefs we'd be in such less trouble. Sometimes I think moving on is for the best but then I think maybe for the faily we should try to see if it's workable. We have gone to counseling but doesn't seem to go well. He's uncomfortable with admiting the bad truth to strangers. I don't know guess that's why I'm undecided.

 

 

I'm sorry, IMHO.... 19 is very much a child. and 41 is very muh middle age. And you deduct 19 from 41....that is disguisting. Any time you could be someone's parent, that other party is in fact a child.

[Gentlegirl]

I do still love him I think. Sometimes I feel I used to love him now he's changed and sometimes it seems like he's never changed. I know he's accountable for what his actions were. I expected with OW he'd be protected and careful about this but losing life savings may have been the best lesson I'll never know until I try but not sure I want to try.

 

she wasn't a child though. She was 19. And OH is not middle age I don't believe we are at least. I'm 39. He's 41. We married pretty young because of religious beliefs and because we were in love. We eventually changed in beliefs as time goes on now I think though if we had stuck to those beliefs we'd be in such less trouble. Sometimes I think moving on is for the best but then I think maybe for the faily we should try to see if it's workable. We have gone to counseling but doesn't seem to go well. He's uncomfortable with admiting the bad truth to strangers. I don't know guess that's why I'm undecided.

 

He isn't the you man you married and he never will be again.

 

Good grief girl, don't waste anymore of your life on this sicko.

 

Even if you go to counselling, I feel the episode will always sit between you... especially the abortion.

 

LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL!

 

Take half the money, the kids and walk away with dignity.

 

Maybe you should re-examine your original belief system.

 

My best wishes to you,

 

Gentlegirl

[woinlove]

I do still love him I think. Sometimes I feel I used to love him now he's changed and sometimes it seems like he's never changed. I know he's accountable for what his actions were. I expected with OW he'd be protected and careful about this but losing life savings may have been the best lesson I'll never know until I try but not sure I want to try.

 

she wasn't a child though. She was 19. And OH is not middle age I don't believe we are at least. I'm 39. He's 41. We married pretty young because of religious beliefs and because we were in love. We eventually changed in beliefs as time goes on now I think though if we had stuck to those beliefs we'd be in such less trouble. Sometimes I think moving on is for the best but then I think maybe for the faily we should try to see if it's workable. We have gone to counseling but doesn't seem to go well. He's uncomfortable with admiting the bad truth to strangers. I don't know guess that's why I'm undecided.

 

If he isn't willing to or able to work through this with counselling then I don't see how you can rebuild an M with him. Age gaps of 15+ years with young women in the 18-22 age range are not that unusual for MM (I was one myself and there have been examples on LS). But even though it is not uncommon, with that age gap, there are issues to work through. Put that together with a troubled 19 year old who already has 2 children, and getting her pregnant, and there are even bigger issues.

 

People can change but it doesn't come easy and it requires real determination and commitment. Not wanting to admit the truth may be an understandable reaction but he would overcome that fear and embarrassment if he is committed to being a better person.

 

Since you say you love him, I would strongly encourage him to open up and work through this with counselling. He will need to work through this whether you two stay together or not if he is going to become a responsible, caring adult. So try to get him to do that, independent of what you decide. If he won't, then I don't think you should stay with him.

 

Also, has your H thought of helping that 19 year old or does he feel he has done that with his money? A troubled 19 year old with multiple pregnancies and involvement in drugs clearly needs help and your H already involved himself with her intimately. Maybe he can guide her to professional help too. It could be part of his healing and growth to help her.

[Mimolicious]

My husband and I had thought settling down would work for us and for a while it did. Until about after our oldest was born we turned it into an open marriage. My husband and I have been married 21 years finally decide to separate soon after our twins were born. Well, that turned into 6 months. While we had separated he had a new relationship with a girl well if I may say of poor character imho. She was under 20 had 2 kids and later found out she had a past of drugs and shady people. She didn't have money. And he let her stay with him in the house we worked for. She tricked him into getting her pregnant and pretty much this girl was imo just looking to get money out of him. Since he's a lawyer and has money. Well, we were reconciling and actually talking about going back together when she finds this out. They get in a fight and she moves out. She tries to blackmail him with the pregnancy saying she wants a lot of money out of him or she won't get an abortion and we'd have to deal with her for a whole other 18 years not pleasant. Anyway, finally he agrees and gives her money. She's had the abortion and so she's out of his life. I haven't really personally been into any relationship with anyone as of yet. I wanted to actually go back to how things were in the beginning of our marriage happily monogamous. He says he's ready to start over but how am I sure of this? I don't want to waste another 5 years if by then he'll say he's not ready to be in this type of relationship. I can't have him do this again to me. I just can't. I don't know nothing he does seems to make me feel sure this situation with another woman won't come up again. Advice? What do you think?

 

 

Am I the only one that finds this story to be inconsistent or out of script?!

What's really the story? You guys have been married 21 yrs, kids are six months old, got OW prego but she had an abortion, got back together? I don't get it. The title is also off...

[Emme]

I do still love him I think.

 

You don't have to think if you are in love. You know it. That should tell you where to begin if you have to think if you love this man.

 

True Story

 

A husband cheats on his wife. He cheats on his wife with her best friends daughter. The daughter gets pregnant and has the child. Soon after having the child she didn't want the job anymore. The wife takes in that child and raises her as her own.

 

Personally I called this woman a f*cking fool. As the years went by I actually saw what it means to truly love someone and stick by them. Most would have walked away. I would have. But in life when they say in good and times and in bad... You will have BAD times. It's up to you to choose and give it a fighting chance. If your heart is not 100% into making this work. Like I said walk away.

[all3sides]

I have to say from personal experience that OP's story isn't that far fetched!

 

My xH found some wh*re in the trailer park kiddie pool, 19 years old (one month difference in age from his own daughter), 2 kids already by 2 different men(?)/boys (one was already 5 so she started super early) and apparently couldn't spread her legs fast enough for xH. Oh yeah, couldn't get pregnant fast enough either.

 

Needless to say, xH being the "stand up man" that he claimed, abandoned his own son who he has not seen since the week that baby #1 was born (a year ago) and now baby #2 has come and she's whining on her FB about how sad and depressed she is because she was being made to get her tubes tied. Um, 4 kids by 21, that's not such a bad idea IMO.

 

So yeah, men can be completely irresponsible and think with the wrong 'head' but he wasn't alone that nite the sperm went swimming and I think knew exactly what she was doing.

 

However, I have the luxury of experience and hindsight to know that their lovely union will implode, it's just a matter of time. She's his 5th wife, 6th marriage (one x remarried him) and he now has 6 kids. Yes, I was wife #4, marriage #5 and had kid #4. I was blind to the red flags myself but not completely. The only reason I married him is because I got pregnant and even before we did marry, told my friends that I didn't see us being married for more than 3 years. I caught him cheating on me the week before our 4th anniversary. Go figure...

 

Sorry to threadjack but sh.it like that does happen and while xH didn't force his child-bride into an abortion, based on my *cyber-stalking* her FB know that it was not her choice to put an end to her baby-making-money-train she thinks she's on. (I'm working on the *stalking*, but can't stop, it's nice getting confirmation they're miserable. The bed they both made isn't quite so comfy. And yes, I know she sees each baby as a $ sign, she's lived off welfare since she was 14 and knows how much child support I get for my son so she's figuring she'll get double that when it's her turn.)

 

I guess I just want to say that it takes two to tango, not one person is 100% to blame and no matter how old can be a master manipulator.

[all3sides]

Oh yeah, my 2 cents to OP:

 

Take the kids, get the court to give you half of everything and run like hell as far away from that sociopath as you can get!

[NoIDidn't]

If you love your husband…if you truly love your husband. All circumstances can be worked out. I have seen it with my own. The worst of the worst. The love has to be there. That is where the strength to go through this will come from. If the love is not there please walk away. Only you know if you truly love your husband. If you feel that he truly doesn't love you, you will know. The only way to stay in a marriage that has fallen apart is that love and strength. It will not be easy. As long as you have each other and you have your children, as long as you have the will, it can be done. Think about the choices you have. Remember if the love is there anything is possible.

 

I agree with this. Anything can be worked out in a marriage IF the people in it want it bad enough and are willing to do the very hard work its going to require.

 

On a side note: a friend of mine was in a similar situation with her live-in boyfriend, but the girl took the money and never got the abortion. She had twins. He even took her to the doctor's office and she pretended to have a procedure (apparently she had friends that worked there). They found out when she slapped them with a paternity test and child support order.

 

You cannot make this stuff up, unfortunately.

[undecidedmarriage11]

she confirmed her abortion. And he gave ger 6 figures if she needs more help it's not from strangers I decided I'm done with him thanks for your advice

[carhill]

You're welcome and good luck to you. My sympathies.

[woinlove]

she confirmed her abortion. And he gave ger 6 figures if she needs more help it's not from strangers I decided I'm done with him thanks for your advice

 

Your decision is not surprising, given the extreme behavior exhibited by your H. He likely has a lot of work to do on himself. Still, even after making your decision, the end of an M is sad and it can take time to heal. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Most of these people are absolutely wrong.

 

For in the same way that we "protect" true minors, who are under the age of consent, (whatever that is in your state), we have to allow those old enough to consent to do as they please in terms of consensual sex with other adults OF ANY AGE. AND we have to allow those 'of any age' to do as they please with other 'consenting adults'.

 

 

Furthermore, that you were in an "open relationship" AND "separated" from somebody, renders it no more significant that he got somebody else pregnant than it would be if he himself had fallen pregnant during such a window.

 

So, with regard to:

 

husband while separate gets OW pregnant, should I stay with him?

 

 

The answer you seek should have exactly nothing to do with whomever he impregnated, or that he impregnated her.