GF feels guilty and not good enough, broke up with me.

[LoveNoob]

Hello,

 

About 2 months ago my then GF of 3 years broke up with me.

 

Her reasons for breaking up with me were that she felt guilty over certain circumstances in our relationship, and one day when i was talking to a lady friend of mine that reminded her of herself she realised i could easily get another girl without the circumstances she feels guilty over.

 

Now these circumstances she feels guilty about are the long distance which will require me to sooner or later give up my life here and move to her side of the country.

The second thing she feels guilty about are her mental issues (Phobias) which cause her to be afraid of moving the relationship to the next level, that being me moving and her living in with me. So she feels she is holding me back till she's ready for that.

 

For the past 2 months we have basically been "friends-with-benefits" and every time i try to talk with her about it, which is about once or twice a week, she seems to close up and be resistant about it.

 

So, about 2 weeks ago i figured it was time to cut back on the affection, intimacy and attention i give her. The effect on her was almost immediate, she was already suffering from a depression and this made it worse till she started having thoughts about selfharming. So she went to her therapist who talked her through it. I am unclear about the details but she said the therapist concluded she still wants my love and feels even more worthless without it.

 

So i dropped the "low contact" approach for a week to give her time to stabilize. Now she seems more stable and tonight i talked to her about it and she said that she currently feels it's unlikely we'll be a couple again in the future but that every time she got close to wanting to talk about fixing things i already beat her to it and brought it up ahead of time which she said seemed to "reset" her wish to want to talk about it. It's kinda hard to not bring it up for me. When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

 

Now i am doubting what to do. I think i can either be supportive of her and keep giving her love and attention, and having it mostly returned, and wait for her to bring up the subject of fixing our relationship. I might run the risk of being a crutch till she starts dating others.

 

Or i can pull back and let her miss me and 'starve' her of attention/affection/intimacy till she wants to talk about fixing her reasons for breaking up with me. But i might run the risk of her jumping into a rebound relationship insted. Me pulling back last time actually made her think her feelings of being nothing special were confirmed.

[EgoJoe]

Look, I'm not a sexist because I know men can be heartless and cruel in breakups

 

But jeeeeze women can say and do some of the most absolutely retarded, redundant and cliche things in a break up. CUT TIES from her. You are not responsible for her feelings and if she jumps into a rebound she wanted to anyways.

 

 

I'm typically compassionate but the self-deprecating approach is oddly reminiscent of one of the more harmful periods in the downhill cycle of my last breakup. She's not evil but she is being stupid. So let her be stupid on her own. It'll help you more in the long run to do this now.

 

I had many opportunities myself and tried to give my Ex easy outs before we broke up. It wasn't until I was 100% vested into fixing it that she got the heart to break up with me probably thinking I'd always be there.

 

STOP talking to her, stop dealing with her, tell her, "You know what, you're right, you're not good enough for me. I am going to find someone who is."

[LoveNoob]

Well, cutting 100% contact is an option i would keep in reserve but because of some mutual contacts it is currently not easy to do.

 

But i am guessing you would suggest the low contact approach in that case? Cutting affection and intimacy off and only minimal attention, certainly no more than i would give a casual friend?

[LoveNoob]

It's kinda funny how a guy on another forum is 100% convinced the solution lies in proposing to my ex-GF because it would show commitment and everything would be solved, and the guy was actually serious about it heh.

 

I think NC or proposing to her are both a bit extreme. I think low (passive) contact, or affectionate support, till she wants to come out of her shell and talk about the issue are my best options. But i have trouble deciding which one.

[EgoJoe]

Grow a pair and be the man. I've learned the hard way.

 

She says she's not good enough. BELIEVE HER!

 

Walk away until she comes back (if she does) and then tell her that you're this, that etc.

 

You can't fix someone else who has reestablished emotional boundaries and is now USING you as a crutch. She will wean herself off of you, she will find a new wet spot on her sheets and she will forget about you.

 

I think you would do well with STRICT NC for two months to just THINK about it.

[Eddie Edirol]

Her saying she isnt good enough is coward speak for "break up with me so I can see this new guy guilt free, because he lives closer to me."

[EgoJoe]

Heh, Eddie I think you took it a little too far.

[LoveNoob]

Alright, your opinions are pretty clear: pull the heck back, let her be and if she comes to me to talk about it ill

 

Sadly full NC is not really possible because of some circumstances but i can keep contact very low and passive. Just barely above ignoring her.

 

Last week i gave her LC for 5 days and it made her feel terrible. I think if i did that again the effect could be less severe as she talked about it with her therapist after that who told her she just has to deal with feeling worthless as soon as she doesnt get attention/affection from me.

I'm guessing trying LC again might make her miss what i give her and come to me to talk about fixing the relationship.

 

Also, what do you people think of her exact reasons for feeling guilty about holding me back? The ones i listed in the first post.

 

EDIT: I forgot to mention. Those 5 days of LC made her feel practically ignored and seemed to strengthen her thoughts that she's not special or worth anything. Is there any merit at all in staying close to her and having fun times with her till she wants to talk about taking it back to the next level?

Edited September 20, 2011 by LoveNoob

[Eddie Edirol]

EDIT: I forgot to mention. Those 5 days of LC made her feel practically ignored and seemed to strengthen her thoughts that she's not special or worth anything. Is there any merit at all in staying close to her and having fun times with her till she wants to talk about taking it back to the next level?

 

She wont need to talk about taking it to the next level while she is in this state. If she is seriously depressed, she has to get help first. If she is indecisive between you and another guy, well, you need to leave her be. Go back to starving her, and you really need to consider completely cutting her off. But not to get her back, so you can move on. Your situation is pretty common, and Im pretty sure you will find out soon that she was trying to work on someone else.

[LoveNoob]

She wont need to talk about taking it to the next level while she is in this state. If she is seriously depressed, she has to get help first. If she is indecisive between you and another guy, well, you need to leave her be. Go back to starving her, and you really need to consider completely cutting her off. But not to get her back, so you can move on. Your situation is pretty common, and Im pretty sure you will find out soon that she was trying to work on someone else.

 

There currently is no other guy, i asked her about this and she confirmed she isnt seeing or interested in anyone else and has declined several requests for dates the past 2 months. And i am inclined to believe her.

 

She has suffered from depression for a few years, and it never really affected our relationship itself or caused me any problems, until now of course.

She's been to a therapy session last week, and it did help her talk about the issues she's been having.

 

I think if i pull away from her, she might look elsewhere for attention/affection/intimacy to compensate, that combined with her feeling less worthy when i pull away might only make things worse.

Maybe offering fun times and not putting pressure on her will be what she needs. If she decides to date someone else she knows she will lose me completely at that point, no 'stay friends' stuff from that point onwards. And that thought has scared her quite a lot when she asked for a break two months ago.

 

She does indeed have to sort out these issues and there have been a bunch of times where she was close to wanting to talk and deal with it but i blew it by bringing it up too early, which as i said "reset" her wish to talk about it. Stupid mistake on my part.

Edited September 20, 2011 by LoveNoob

[Eddie Edirol]

There currently is no other guy, i asked her about this and she confirmed she isnt seeing or interested in anyone else and has declined several requests for dates the past 2 months. And i am inclined to believe her.

 

She has suffered from depression for a few years, and it never really affected our relationship itself or caused me any problems, until now of course.

She's been to a therapy session last week, and it did help her talk about the issues she's been having.

 

I think if i pull away from her, she might look elsewhere for attention/affection/intimacy to compensate, that combined with her feeling less worthy when i pull away might only make things worse.

Maybe offering fun times and not putting pressure on her will be what she needs. If she decides to date someone else she knows she will lose me completely at that point, no 'stay friends' stuff from that point onwards. And that thought has scared her quite a lot when she asked for a break two months ago.

 

She does indeed have to sort out these issues and there have been a bunch of times where she was close to wanting to talk and deal with it but i blew it by bringing it up too early, which as i said "reset" her wish to talk about it. Stupid mistake on my part.

 

Youre inclined to believe her, because you want her back. You wont realize this until later, but people that dump you lie to get you off their backs. If they think it will be a confrontation, they will lie to you. Women lie to ease their guilt. So if she is starting to see someone else, she wont tell you. Just take that into consideration. It happens over and over again around here.

[LoveNoob]

Youre inclined to believe her, because you want her back. You wont realize this until later, but people that dump you lie to get you off their backs. If they think it will be a confrontation, they will lie to you. Women lie to ease their guilt. So if she is starting to see someone else, she wont tell you. Just take that into consideration. It happens over and over again around here.

 

Nah, i am inclined to believe her because she knows it's easier to "get me off her back" if she told me there was another guy or if her feelings for me had weakened.

And when she called for the break she actually totally assumed i would dissapear from her life right there and then, but was rather suprised i didnt break contact and seemed happy to have me somewhat in her life for the time being.

My ex-Gf mentioned her therapist said she believes that my ex-GF still wants my love and that therefor she has actually been extra depressed when i told her 2 weeks ago that i would cut off nearly all contact and treat her like a normal female friend, and started acting that way.

 

During the conversation in which she wanted a break i told her it would be easier if she told me if she no longer had enough feelings for me or if there was someone else and that i would let her go without without making it any harder or being angry. This was before she mentioned she felt not good enough.

 

And even when i attempt to see this as unbiased as possible i come to the conclusion that for her, it seems far more likely she is telling the truth. And i know it happens over and over around here, i have been around the blocks a few times and have been lied to. I am not saying there is 0% chance of it being the case, i just find it far more likely her issues and the resulting guilt are the real cause.

 

I suppose in a way it is understandable why she might feel guilty. If she were to give up her life and job to be with me and missing seeing her friends/family on a daily basis, i might also feel a bit guilty over letting her do that, and if i had issues delaying our plans for the future i would be working on them like she has been, but also feeling a bit bad about them.

 

I have been through self-esteem issues during a relationship myself and i know how easy it is to start feeling "guilty" about circumstances and flaws you see in yourself, and when you see your partner interacting with someone you find similiar to yourself, but unable/unwilling to see flaws in that person, you might find your partner would be better off with him. It's a nasty thing, and if she doesnt deal with this i believe it's something that will eventually cause her to do one of two things:

 

1: She will date a new guy and feel special and worth it at first, till the issues catch up to her and something happens to make her feel guilty again. It will be like denting your car, feeling guilty when you see the dent, and selling it and buying a new pristine one. Sooner or later you gotta learn to drive and avoid fenderbenders. (*)

 

2: She dates someone she feels less guilty about hurting with her issues and flaws. She actually mentioned this through a metaphor: "I feel like im a not good enough driver so i'd rather dent a crappy car than risk denting a shiny cool one". So she might date a jerk-ass that she will eventually be having an unhappy/unhealthy relationship with. Problem with this is that she feels guilty over hurting anyone she remotely likes, so that logic will ultimately fail her i think.

[Eddie Edirol]

Nah, i am inclined to believe her because she knows it's easier to "get me off her back" if she told me there was another guy or if her feelings for me had weakened.

 

She knows that you would most likely lose feelings for her if you knew she dumped you for another guy. But iof she does that she will keep you on the backburner just in case the new guy doesnt work out. Thats the most likely scenario since she would rather be with someone than be alone and work on her issues. At least thats what people do 99% of the time.

 

What mental issues does she say she has?

[LoveNoob]

 

What mental issues does she say she has?

 

Depression, social anxiety, panic attacks, phobias and low self esteem issues.

[LoveNoob]

Maybe important to mention is how easily she can feel guilty about hurting people, whether it is real or imagined.

 

Example, a new male friend she made about 6 months ago was a bit of a immature brat and when the two played a friendly online game together she beat him over and over, and not pulling any punches either.

 

The result was this guy being pissed off and performing a "rage quit" after venting about how he's terrible at everything anyway and how she's a mean bitch.

She felt upset at the abuse she got from this guy and felt a bit guilty over causing him to be upset and feeling terrible. Even though this guy was a jerk and just a sore immature loser.

 

A few days later she realised correctly that she shouldnt feel guilty and stopped being friends with this guy who she now considered an jerk and sore loser.

 

Though it is usually not as bad as in this example, she easily feels guilty over causing people to be upset. She also is very helpful and generous and does some periodic volunteer work.

 

This makes her extra fragile and suseptible to feeling guilty over making me move to her hometown, making me wait till we can live together, "making" me fall in love with her when she chased me 3 years ago, guilty over making me feel bad with the break-up etc.

[DutchValhallaViking]

Time to man up and make a choice it seems dude, good luck.

 

I found myself in a earily similiar situation, and i gave up 'chasing' some time ago. It seems to actually work in my case.

Edited September 22, 2011 by DutchValhallaViking

[LoveNoob]

Well, i made a decision actually Dutch:

 

I have to admit however that i am scared of making the wrong decision. The advice to pull back certainly has merit and seems like a good choice to pursue. To tell you the truth though folks, the reason why i havent pulled back to LC or NC for more than 4-5 days is that i was worried it would just make things worse. But i suppose LC/NC would be the best way to go for myself, and her.

 

The previous attempt to go LC by me was started by me telling her i was going to cut back and only treat her as a regular online contact/friend, which practically means the same as the LC situation i described above. She mentioned yesterday that it felt awful to her because of how quickly and seemingly easily i "got over her", and she felt it was like going "cold turkey". Between that 4-5 day LC period and today she has realised that i do indeed still feel much for her and that it also wasnt easy for me, so this LC will have a less immediate, severe effect but if she still feels as much for me as she kept saying, she should start missing me.

 

Circumstances make it not possible to go completely NC, but going LC is certainly possible. I will not initiate any talks or activities with her, moments where she approaches me for small talk i will only give a short friendly acknowledgement so that i am not rude or mean but i also do not encourage further talks that are not beneficial to us, i will not make it a priority to respond quickly like i used to do, she will get no special treatment. And i will focus a lot of time on my hobbies and my own life/friends so that if she asks to do stuff together, i will be busy, or not in the mood right now. Moments where i cannot avoid contact with her due to mutual social activities and hobbies i will keep it to a minimum. Knowing her reaction from last time i went LC, this should be sufficient to make her miss me after a while and build up an urge to want to talk about "us".

 

So what do you wise people think, does the above sound like a good plan/approach? I know it's not NC, but it's still darn close compared to the normal daily interaction from the past 3 years. And it did have a heavy effect on her when i tried it 2-3 weeks ago.

 

Owh man, im bad at this. :/

[EgoJoe]

What ****ing circumstances prevent you from full blown NC, not enough footprints on your forehead, one last pity-****, she's pregnant with your child, you have kids together, you have a financial investment or what?

 

I see denial, excuses for her and her using YOU to get over YOU. Pathetic.

 

Also, Tell her, "YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY OVER ME IF YOU WANT LIGHT NON-COMMITAL CONTACT WHILE YOU FRENCH KISS OTHER DUDE'S WANGS HO!"

 

I'm irritated FOR YOU; not at you. Jeeze.

Edited September 22, 2011 by EgoJoe

[LoveNoob]

 

<<Insert Rant Here>>

 

I'm irritated FOR YOU; not at you. Jeeze.

 

...right, yeah clearly.

 

Well you see, we have mutual friends i would like to keep holding on to and that means i will run into her once or twice a week or so.

 

Besides, LC does not hurt or discomfort me. The 4-5 days where i did LC i was able to focus on my own things, and when i ran into her while spending time with my friends i mostly just pretended she was a stranger.

 

She wouldnt be able to "use" me during LC as the attention she would get is far too low for that. No affection or intimacy either.

 

Please point out the excuses and denial.

 

I gave her the window of oppertunity to fix things, with or without me, till she starts to get involved with someone else. I made it very clear that as soon as she gets sexually active with someone else, i'm gone and i'll never be able to take her back.

 

I would appreciate it if you didnt say vulgar stuff that put such 'graphic' images in my head. Regardless of what experiences have made you bitter, there have been 0 signs that she's chasing some other guy.

 

Last but not least, i outright told her i dont want to be used as an emotional tampon, this made her hesitant to approach me and when asked why, she mentioned she doesnt want to cause me any hurt or 'use me' and that she wants me to do whatever the heck i want to do.

 

Am i making excuses for her and in denial? I disagree, but then again that would quickly get a "LOLDENIAL!" response aswell i guess. I have merely been trying to state facts, experiences and feelings in my posts so i might get some helpful advice or support.

 

The responses on these and other forums have resulted in me gathering the strength to again go for LC to avoid myself being used, to let her miss me, to allow me to focus on single life and prepare to start dating others, yet minimizing the impact it would have on social events involving mutual friends.

[Lucio]

U n I can have a beer together if I even live in the same part of the world. I'm in a similar state.

[EgoJoe]

I was actually attempting to be funny about it. I want you to be strong and implant an attractive image in your Ex that you obviously love and want back.

 

You know the LC hurts whether you can admit it to yourself consciously or not. I'd like to email my Ex back right now and tell her how much it sucks that her dog died and I completely understand etc. etc.

 

But, I didn't and it's because I openly offered my support during a downhill patch in our relationship and she rejected it and after breadcrumbs she throws this hook out for well wishing. Until someone is completely self-aware you have to beware their ego.

 

I don't undertake LOLCAT parlance as a rule unless I'm trying to be funny. You can not be responsible for her feelings. If you run in to her around mutual friends be 100% nonchalant otherwise I suggest not talking to her.

 

I am sorry if you took offense. I was being funny and serious about game playing. I'm not as bitter as you might thing but I am aware and wary of games. As soon as you recognize that you're the Victim then you can become the Opponent or opt out. I always suggest becoming the Opponent followed by opting out. That is my opinion though.

 

The excuses I mention is the vague reference to circumstances which make it impossible to be NC. The denial is in the fact that you're denying the relationship is over by continuing to take responsibility for her feelings. Not only do I think that it is not your job but I think it is detrimental to your emotional health.

Edited September 22, 2011 by EgoJoe

[LoveNoob]

I was actually attempting to be funny about it. I want you to be strong and implant an attractive image in your Ex that you obviously love and want back.

 

You know the LC hurts whether you can admit it to yourself consciously or not. I'd like to email my Ex back right now and tell her how much it sucks that her dog died and I completely understand etc. etc.

 

But, I didn't and it's because I openly offered my support during a downhill patch in our relationship and she rejected it and after breadcrumbs she throws this hook out for well wishing. Until someone is completely self-aware you have to beware their ego.

 

I don't undertake LOLCAT parlance as a rule unless I'm trying to be funny. You can not be responsible for her feelings. If you run in to her around mutual friends be 100% nonchalant otherwise I suggest not talking to her.

 

I am sorry if you took offense. I was being funny and serious about game playing. I'm not as bitter as you might thing but I am aware and wary of games. As soon as you recognize that you're the Victim then you can become the Opponent or opt out. I always suggest becoming the Opponent followed by opting out. That is my opinion though.

 

The excuses I mention is the vague reference to circumstances which make it impossible to be NC. The denial is in the fact that you're denying the relationship is over by continuing to take responsibility for her feelings. Not only do I think that it is not your job but I think it is detrimental to your emotional health.

 

Apoligee accepted, i might have gotten a bit defensive, sorry.

 

It's kinda hard to explain, i dont feel i am the one that needs to "fix her problems", i do believe she needs to do that herself.

 

You are correct that i am no longer responsible for her feelings. I merely wish to maximize the chance of her fixing herself before she crosses the point-of-no-return ya know. I think it does involve a certain degree of communication between us before she can put these silly thoughts out of her mind. So there is a fair amount of selfish interest so to speak.

 

However the past 2 months have proven she stubbornly closes up when i bring up the subject. She did once bring it up herself btw, after i didnt for about a week. I think if i just gave her space from the beginning the chance of reconciliation would be higher, ah well

 

 

 

 

 

P.S: Lolcats are awesome.

[stillafool]

I think you want to go LC because YOU don't won't to stop seeing her. Surely you have other friends to hang out with until NC is well underway. Your gf is selfish. She doesn't want a relationship but doesn't want you to really move on. WTF!!!? If she really felt she wasn't good enough for you why wouldn't she let you move on to someone who is? You are not her crutch so stop being one. If she gets depressed because you go LC but she doesn't see the two of you ever really getting together, are you going to spend the rest of your life in limbo until she figures out what the heck her problem is??? Obviously this is what she wants and she is going to have to deal with her depression or whatever with a professional, not keeping you hanging on a string. If you want a snowballs chance in hell with this girl go completely NC until she comes back to you for a relationship. It is 100% guaranteed she will not make a decision if you continue doing what you are doing now.

 

BTW, why does she feel she isn't good enough for you?

[LoveNoob]

 

BTW, why does she feel she isn't good enough for you?

 

Already explained in previous posts, including the first. If you havent read the details though it kinda makes me a little concerned about the value of the advice given, though of course it is still appreciated

[EgoJoe]

What if I told you that based off of what you have told us and my experience that if you were to go 100% no contact for a month or two (ignoring her attempts at contact) that you would very likely get a more serious attempt at conversation from her?