GF feels guilty and not good enough, broke up with me.

[LoveNoob]

What if I told you that based off of what you have told us and my experience that if you were to go 100% no contact for a month or two (ignoring her attempts at contact) that you would very likely get a more serious attempt at conversation from her?

 

Owh hi, i completely forgot i made a thread on this forum aswell.

 

I'd love to be certain that you are right hehe. Suprisingly it may be she is 'helping' in that regard....

 

The past 1,5 week she's been really busy with university and appearantly studying or going out clubbing when she comes home from uni. And even if she's online she seems to be a bit less talkative as before, though she did mention being very tired and busy. The few times she did approach me she seemed to enjoy my humour.

 

So i tried to mostly stay back, but when we do talk i seem to fail to hold back little messages here and there that i want her back etc.

Last sunday she got kinda grumpy and outright told me she couldnt be arsed to talk to me after we had a chat about different things but i ended up telling her i missed her and asking her why she never told me she had a sister.

 

Later that day i was kinda worried and asked her if she still cba talking to me, she answered kinda vaguely that she didnt know. Her demeanor seemed so weird that i asked her what was going on or wrong, and she told me she had lots of **** making her grumpy, including me not shutting up.

So i told her id leave her alone till she would contact me again, which was earlier today (3 days later). She started talking about her night out during her birthday party last night and how she got completely wasted and how it was fun.

So, i asked her why she was so angry last weekend, she said she wasnt angry after which i asked if it was annoyance, guilt or sadness. She mentioned it was "everything" and told me i should call myself Over-Analyse-Man.

 

After that i kinda stopped talking and only asked her 15 minutes later if she had tech problems because her MSN kept going offline. After another offline/online cycle i nudged her and asked her if she got my last message, she greeted me and i asked her if she was busy, i got no reply and she went offline. I havent seen her during the evening and i presume she's been busy studying or clubbing, etc.

 

I kinda suck at the LC/NC thing. But i really need to reign in my desire to talk about my feelings or how she feels about me/us. Furthermore though STILL wonder if LC/NC is the way to go when the reason for breaking up is mainly self-esteem problems and feeling guilty over things she shouldnt.

(And knowing her, it was actually just a matter of time before she felt guilty about it, so that part i completely believe.)

 

I do really need to start getting control over my emotions and desires..grrr, im such a spineless dumbass sometimes!

Edited October 5, 2011 by LoveNoob

[LoveNoob]

Well, the NC/LC approach is being 'helped' by her not being available for contact about half the time. It does kinda drive me crazy about what could cause her to not be online or contacting me though.

 

She could be in some guy's bed at this very moment, or going on a romantic date, or maybe she's sleeping after a long day at uni and studying all evening, or maybe she's out clubbing and flirting with guys left and right. Maybe she misses me right now, or maybe she is isnt giving me any thought.

 

I'm trying to keep myself busy with my hobbies and friends etc, but i am between jobs at the moment and my new job starts in december, so that means i got too much time to think. Even if i am jogging/cycling or playing videogames or chatting with friends, my mind keeps wandering back to her, wondering if she's thinking of me aswell. Or if i was just another guy after all.....i think maybe i am the one that needs fixing...help!

[LoveNoob]

It's ironic that even though i need to go LC/NC, her being withdrawn the past 2 weeks is what seems to make things a lot harder for me and make me feel bad.

 

I guess it's only now that the full force of missing her is hitting me like a bag of hammers.

 

And i am trying so keep my mind busy but keep wondering WHY she isnt online anymore and seems withdrawn and uninterested in approaching me. Argh!

[EgoJoe]

Because you remained LC you gave up all of your power without coming to a consensus.

[LoveNoob]

Because you remained LC you gave up all of your power without coming to a consensus.

 

Could you perhaps explain to this little guy why NC would have changed that? In LC i am the one who decides if i reply or not, i think that's some power, dunno.

 

EDIT: Anyhow, aside from those moments where i feel crap, overal i feel good if i focus on other stuff and notice the whole "more fish in the sea" thing for myself. It's a bit comforting. Though those moments of weakness still happen.

Edited October 7, 2011 by LoveNoob

[LoveNoob]

My gods, i feel so bad.

 

 

This afternoon she finally got online on MSN and suddenly started talking to me and a mutual friend of ours, we think she was very drunk.

 

She told me how she is now sort of dating a girl. It's not official yet but they like each other.... that was tough to hear but at that moment i could atleast cut all contact and move on.

 

Sadly she started talking all about her wild parties the past week, skipping university and her very important essays that need to be done tomorrow in order to get drunk. Appearantly she's been parting hard throughout the week together with this new girl she met and is now sort of dating.

 

This new 'gf' she's seeing dragged her into more clubs when she wanted to go home, poured vodka down her top, they danced and chatted up to everyone and went home with some random guy. At his place they partied drank and danced throughout the night and trashed his place.....and woke up all 3 of them in his bed, noone remembering if they had sex or not.

 

I asked her how the heck she could go that far and get so drunk she might have had unprotected sex with a stranger and ruin her uni stuff and she replied with a weird: "*shrugs* it happens. To most people anyway".

 

And she felt it was a proper university life week and felt it was all worth it. She is usually extremely driven and worried about her uni grades etc, and this promicious behaviour she used to have before she met me was something she used to feel bad about.

 

So i told her i was going to step away, that i couldnt see her ruin her life like this and get hurt by hearing these stories that make me sad. That she can contact me only when she stops being like this and if she changes her mind and wants me back and we MIGHT be able to talk about that but that now she has lost me completely, even my friendship. (something she was terrified of the past months). And taking her back is a big if and is going to bring with it a lot of working on her issues before i do so. And a pregnancy and STD test...

 

Owh get this, last thing i said was that i loved her, she said she loves me too. So i told her its just a friendlove she feels and that she has moved on and no longer has sexual/romantic interest in me. She said "of course i still have that". So then i told her if she still has that she should work on her issues insted of doing this. She had no reply to that and that was the last of her, she went offline a short while later and i removed her from all my ways of contacting her and removed all her pictures and things that remind me of her.

 

Whatever she does while she's single is up to her, w/e, she's free to do as she pleases. If she wants me back in the future i just need to know if she's clean and not pregnant, and i wont be confronted by random guys/girls she spread her legs for......

 

But i warned her before not to give me these details but she did anyway because she was probably too drunk to notice. From what that friend of ours said she literally just copy-pasted the same story to us both. He was also uncomfortable and shocked at her behaviour.

 

Seeing an ex with someone else is enough reason to break contact, hearing her tell these stories while drunk and not thinking of how it makes me feel is another reason. Finally, watching someone you care about drink, dance and shag her life to ruin is enough reason to get her out of my life.

 

So thats what i have done. I think in her drunken stupor she had no idea how it made me feel. I will not be there to catch her when she comes down from her wild partying high and feels like she's worthless.

 

I would like to apoligise to everyone on this forum who was right all along and me being naive and too lovestruck to think that by being patient with her she would come to me to fix things like she said she would.

 

Time to move on, heal, find someone better. All 3 of those things feel like climbing mount everest. Lesson learned though, no more mister nice guy, i'm going to need help with that maybe.

 

Is it possible to actually feel physical pain in your chest where your heart is from a break up this bad? Because the past hour my physical heart has been hurting, no joke...

[EgoJoe]

You need to go true no contact.

 

Wilson! Give this guy a dose of your medicine!

[LoveNoob]

You need to go true no contact.

 

Wilson! Give this guy a dose of your medicine!

 

10cc cyanide strait in the heart please. Or a 12 gauge slug through my brain, pick one.

 

And yeah, i was perhaps even too lenient in what i said to her. Afterwards i had a long talk with this mutual online friend of ours and some other friends of mine, some of which i hadent spoken to in a long time. All of them knew my ex-GF and all of them thought she was an amazing and sweet young woman. And all of them were shocked and were convinced that staying away from her was best for me. They all will keep in contact with her and try to talk a bit with her when they can and steer the convos to her lifestyle and try to convince her to get proffessional help.

 

But i removed her from my life now, as you said, true no contact is best. If she does somehow contact me, im gonna tell her i cannot sit by and watch someone i care about destroy herself and cause me to get hurt in the process by the mental images i have in my head now of her doing "sexual things" with other people....and that she should not contact me unless she has gotten help and wants to start with a clean slate with me. If she has done that, and the issues that cause this break in the first place have been sorted, and i know she's clean and not pregnant, and im not involved with someone else at the time, i think it might be worth trying again. But i doubt it will happen, and i will not hang around to wait for her.

 

Thank you Egojoe, i guess this is where you get to say "i told you so":o

 

Owh crap im close to crying. Pfff, 28 year old baby. No more tears for her. As the famous Jim Raynor once said: "Time to man up".

Edited October 10, 2011 by LoveNoob

[LoveNoob]

Is it like eeeh, stupid or anything that i hope she will work this out of her system and get help and fix her issues, and then approach me to try to start with a clean slate?

 

Not that i am waiting for it or expecting it, like i said, going NC now and try to move on and meet other girls when im done healing.

 

But i really want her to realise she needs to get help to fix her issues and come back to me.

[LoveNoob]

I was in bed 10 minutes ago and unable to sleep and "daydreamed" me having a talk with a good friend of mine who i had been talking to tonight. In my daydream it kinda went like this:

 

"The girl i have been in love with the past 3,5 years and who made me happy is dead. She killed herself with her own issues and depression and her fear to face them. The 3

years i was her BF were the best years of my life and my only regret is that it ended, that she ended herself."

 

Kinda dramatic, but true at it's core i think...

[LoveNoob]

It's been a weird day since my last post almost 24 hours ago. I wrote a post on another forum that i would also like to share on this one so here goes:

 

I pretty much feel like i'm back at square one, the same sadness and agony of wanting her back i felt when she broke up with me. All the effort we put into our relationship, future and dreams the past 3 years seems to have been waisted time because she would rather hide from her mental issues than get proffessional help facing them. And she thinks a new relationship will actually not have these issues. True, a short range relationship would mean she has no need to feel guilty about a guy/girl needing to travel to another country to be with her, and it would make it a lot easier for her to slowly get comfortable living in with him/her in a few years. But i think other circumstances will pop up and cause feelings of 'not good/special enough' soon enough. I think it's an illusion this poor messed up girl is upholding to herself. Sad, really sad. Though if you people think these two issues i described (below) are sufficient reasons for a healthy person break a happy relationship for i'd love to hear your opinion.

 

She needs help, that's what me and the mutual friend i mentioned in my last post concluded. But she will not see that until she realises her current behaviour will not make her happy and she is messing up her life this way and needs to return to having regular therapist sessions. Actually, i just realised that she only had regular therapy sessions in the first 1-1,5 year since i first met her. After that her therapist concluded she was happy and stable enough to only need sessions when my ex-GF found she needed any, like if she had the urge to inflict selfharm or if she experienced suicidal thoughts for example. I think she only had 2 sessions this year, 1 being in februari/march, the other in september due to post break-up depression.

 

When she broke up with me in august she had heavy depression and even suicidal thoughts for a day or two but did not see her therapist as far as we know. In september when i went LC she felt feelings of no-self-worth and suicide and went to her therapist. Appearantly after a single 5 hour session she felt more stable and there were no follow up sessions or anything planned. Can we have a collective "what the heck!?" here? How can a therapist who has treated her for 5 years and knows of her issues, 2 suicide attempts, repeated self-harm and her 2-week stay in a mental hospital just let her go like that? Irresponsible if you ask me, and i wonder what the heck her family and close friends feel about the behaviour i mentioned in my previous post.

 

Ironically, as i think i said before, this promicious party-girl behaviour is how she appearantly has been between the moment her first "true love" of her life was murdered and died in her arms (#1 cause of her issues) and when she first met me, her 2nd "true love" according to her.... . Before she was with this first "true love" she was already a kind of girl that "got around" but she kicked it into overdrive when she lost this guy, she once actually told me she did that because she was desperately looking for someone to replace him and to fill the hole in her heart with things that made her feel good for a while (aka: booze, sex, parties and short infatuation and physically based relationships) . Our friend speculated that finding me was probably the reason she was grounded, happy and maybe the reason she and her therapist concluded she no longer needed to work on her issues..... well darnit, that's not good. Also my interests always lied in laid back nerdy/geeky videogaming etc which she picked up the past 3 years and started enjoying. Now that she got interested in a girlfriend who is in my ex-gf's words "wild and crazy" she has likely joined her in her interests, which appearantly are to party, sleep and booze around and be morons.

 

Of course with her guilt about me having to give up my life in my home town/country to be with her and guilt about being unable to live in with me until she has overcome her phobias, she feels she's bad for me and just waisting my time and that she had no option but to break up with me. She literally told me a month ago she felt she'd rather be with someone she doesnt mind accidentally hurting.

 

I think she's just going down a downward spiral now and i cannot or will not stand by and watch her do that and be "just a friend" like she wants me to. As i once heard a girl in a teen-drama series say: "I will love you forever Sid. And that's the problem." Cheesy stuff, i'm almost embarrased to find out it actually is true in this case. I will always want to be more than friends with her and that will cause me harm if i stick around so i'm pulling the ejection handle and hope i dont get hit by the canopy.

 

Our mutual friend is going to keep being friends with her, though her callous and drunk behaviour unsettled him yesterday. He's going to try to talk to her if he sees her online (he's a online friend only because of distance) and she's sober and stable. Thing is that since she appearantly got with this new girl she's hardly ever online. This new lesbian fling is a bad influence on her if you ask me, the girl was actually the one dragging her from one club to the other and boozing her up, and ending up in bed with some strange guy not knowing if the three of them "did the deed". Disgusting!

 

Only, and ONLY if she is willing to undergo regular treatment to WORK on her issues, proves to me she's not pregnant or diseased as a result of her wild life, and cuts contact with everyone she has dated and slept with would i consider listening to her if she wants me back as a BF. But i seriously doubt that will happen, and i sure as hell aint gonna wait for it, though at the moment of typing i can feel myself really hoping it will happen...i also hope that longing for her will fade quickly.

 

Till she returns to "normal" like she was before this mess began, the person i love no longer exists, but like i mentioned in that teendrama quote above, i will forever love that person who is now gone, and that's why i cannot allow myself to interact with the person she currently is.

 

EDIT: On a practical note, it's going to be hard to ignore or avoid all her attempts at trying to communicate with me, but the friend i mentioned is going to help me with that, and so are my other friends. I am blessed with some very warmhearted friends, i guess being a "nice guy" (Not in a romantic sense) has it's perks after all.

[LoveNoob]

Day 3 of NC has started, it's not easier yet. According to our mutual friend she hasnt been in contact/online since those 30 minutes sunday afternoon. Trying not to think about what she might be doing insted of coming online every day to talk, play videogames and watch movies with me as usual. Obviously it involves spending time with her university friends and her new tramp girlfriend who drags her into one club after the other and boozes her up.

 

I shouldnt care about what she does and i keep telling myself that. Sadly, wisdom does not always equal emotion though.

 

Only keeping myself busy seems to work, but only until i stop doing something that requires me to concentrate 100%, such as videogames, movies NOT related to love/women, and chatting and hanging out with friends. Exception is videogames i used to play together with her, of course they remind me of her.

 

Working out or relaxing walks and bike rides sadly only make me think about her and get sad. Putting on loud heavy metal music makes me angry at the situation. Putting on up-beat rock makes me realise i'm actively trying to get over her, which defeats the purpose. Love songs make me get tears in my eyes.

And anything club/pop/dance/trance/rap makes me lose my lunch, but that's because of my allergies.

 

I be going crazy fellas, forget a dog waiting for his master, i'm Old Yeller with rabies that needs to be taken behind the shed for an encounter with Mister Shotgun and send to the great kennel in the sky.

 

I'm ranting, i do that when i'm bothered or nervous.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, you're gonna have to heal from this and move on. She getting drunk, trashing peoples places, having threesomes....she's got soooo much baggage it's unreal. I wouldn't have told her that if she gets her act together...then MAYBE. What she heard was,"go out and have a good time and I'll be waiting for you when you get it all out of your system."

 

Sorry dude....there are pently of girls out there. This relationship is a lost cause.

[LoveNoob]

Sorry dude, you're gonna have to heal from this and move on. She getting drunk, trashing peoples places, having threesomes....she's got soooo much baggage it's unreal. I wouldn't have told her that if she gets her act together...then MAYBE. What she heard was,"go out and have a good time and I'll be waiting for you when you get it all out of your system."

 

Sorry dude....there are pently of girls out there. This relationship is a lost cause.

 

Hench why in my previous post i was talking about how im trying to work on forgetting her and moving on. I dont know why you only picked out that single part of everything i said and bypassed the things i said about her losing me completely by going down this path and me going NC etc.....

[Chi townD]

I shouldnt care about what she does and i keep telling myself that. Sadly, wisdom does not always equal emotion though.

 

 

There....I picked out another ONE other thing. I have a feeling that if she REALLY tried to get a hold of you...you'd fold like a deck of cards because of statements you posted like that one I picked out.

 

Look, I'm only trying to help you re-enforce your resolve on staying NC. But, if you think you have a handle on things...then peace..Later!

[LoveNoob]

There....I picked out another ONE other thing. I have a feeling that if she REALLY tried to get a hold of you...you'd fold like a deck of cards because of statements you posted like that one I picked out.

 

Look, I'm only trying to help you re-enforce your resolve on staying NC. But, if you think you have a handle on things...then peace..Later!

 

Ok, well it didnt seem you were doing that. Thanks for clarifying.

 

And with that line you quoted i meant that even though i know what to do and i am doing it, it's not easy.

[2sunny]

stop worrying more about her behavior than she does...

 

start working on healing yourself. start changing YOU!

 

what are you going to do to change you? you attracted an unhealthy woman because you aren't in a healthy place yourself.

 

get to a new place - then you may have the ability to attract like energy.

 

 

and next time - call! there is value in hearing a person's voice... stop hiding behind technology and your computer... see the woman you desire in person or by a phone call!

 

anything else is a cover...