Does he still want to date me? And what can I do to make this better?

[KK'sLove]

Help! I really like this guy but I'm not sure if he's still interested in me. Here's the story, any help you can give I will greatly appreciate it.

 

I met him a month ago at a bar, he was out with family and I thought he must have a girlfriend because he didn't seem to check anyone out. Anyway, I went over and we started talking. I told him I was interested and he drunkly kissed me that night and said he would call. He did 2 days later. We talked for 9 hours on the phone and saw each other 3 times that first week. He said that he had just gotten out of a serious relationship (engagement) 1 1/2 months before and that his relationship door was open but he wasn't ready to get into one right away.

 

The first 2 weeks, we talked everyday and seen each other every 2 to 3 days. Yes, we had the benefits the first week (I know, bad idea but we both just got out of bad relationships and it just felt right because we both needed it). Our time was more than this though, I would spend the night at his house and we wouldn't do anything at times. He was very sweet and we seemed to click. Well, about 2 1/2 weeks into it, I asked if we were dating exclusively, he said that it had been out of the loop for a while for him and I explained to him that it meant - just dating, not boyfriend/girlfriend but not dating anyone else. He said okay. The next day we went out as a group (he brought a friend for my twin) and I said that I can't tell if he likes me because he hates PDA's. And he got mad and said how can you not tell that I like you. We went outside and he wanted to sit and talk.

 

He brought up the relationship talk again (this was the 3rd time in 3 days, the other 2 times I blew him off but this time I thought I would see what he had to say) He said that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and brought up the dating exclusively thing. I asked if he wanted to date anyone else, was he dating anyone else or if he was pursuing to date anyone else, he said "No". I said that is what dating exclusively is. He kept saying that his door was open but he wasn't ready now and he didn't know if he would be ready in the near future. This conversation ended in a fight. I left and didn't say goodbye. Called him later that night and he asked what was wrong, I said that I wasn't remotely close to wanting a relationship with him (this is what I thought he wanted to hear) and that he needs to stop changing my words. I asked if we were still getting together on Friday and he said he would call. He didn't.

 

Saturday, I called, we talked about the fight and both agreed that we weren't ready yet. In the conversation, I mistakely called him a friend and a few minutes later he said that we are just friends hanging out. He said that even the term "dating" means that he's in a relationship and he doesn't want to have to report to anyone. I told him that I have turned down other dates for him (totally true) and he said that I should date whoever I want to and that he won't get jealous. Then made a comment like he would be okay if I dated them in a friendly kind of way. We talked about his ex for an hour (he brings her up all the time and he doesn't say anything nice). She treated him very badly and I think he's still, even though he broke it off with her, heart broken over it. He said he doesn't want her back ever, and tries to really convince me of this, but I think he talks about her too much to not care about her. He has a negative image of relationships and woman. We saw each other the next night and I spent the night, everything was great, he was very sweet and affectionate...more than normal.

 

Still, he didn't call the next week so I called him on Wednesday, he said he started back at work and would be too tired to go out. I told him he never calls me first anymore and why doesn't he hang out with me on Friday or Saturday, it's always Sunday and through the week. He said that he didn't realize that he was doing these things so I suggested we get together Friday night. He said he would call. I made another date with another guy Friday afternoon and he called around 7pm Friday night. I told him I made other plans (didn't tell him it was a date) because he didn't call and maybe we could get together on Saturday. He said that he was hanging out with his buddy but he would let me know. I called him late Saturday and he said that he was hanging out an hour away but he would try to convince him to come to my town and he would call if he could talk him into it. I asked if we were hanging out on Sunday then and he said he couldn't because of Mother's day and he would have to get up early for work on Monday.

 

So here we are, it's Tuesday, and I haven't heard from him. I don't know if he still likes me, yes, he called Friday but at 7pm and that's the first time that he has called on his own since the fight that night at the bar. Ever since that bar fight he has stopped calling, asking me out, yes, I have seen him since but I suggested it. I don't understand what is going on, I told him what I thought he wanted to hear so why is it getting worse? My friends tell me to move on, but I really like him and I'm confused on is he just not ready because of what he went through with his ex or is he not interested in me anymore...I can't tell. I would like advice on how to make things better with him and what I can do to make him want to be with me more. I'm not ready to give up yet. Please help. Thanks!

[krbshappy71]

I'd say back off, leave him alone. He can't pursue you if you are calling him first, asking him out first, making the plans. If he has lost interest, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he is still hung-up about his ex, there isn't anything you can do about it. You two started off hot and heavy, not such a good plan if you want something long-lasting. I'd say talk to him one more time to let him know that you decided to take his advice and date others, and then date others. Take your time and enjoy life and dating, nothing needs to be rushed. Exclusivity after only 2 1/2 weeks? Maybe its just me but that seems awful fast to be asking for exclusivity when you don't even know if he is worth being exclusive for. Or do you honestly think that is long enough to know someone and that you should forsake all others?

[kk'slove]

Thanks for the reply. I have started to date someone else but last night I realized that I really fell for the first guy. Yes, it sounds too soon but I will break it down a little better. Everyday that I didn't see him the first 2 1/2 weeks he would call and we would talk for atleast 3 hours every conversation...I thought that was strange and he said that he's never done that before because he doesn't even like being on the phone.

 

He started a conversation about which of his friends he could fix up with my sister and so on. In fact, he's met my sister twice and spoken to her on the phone quite a few times (when I've been in the shower or something) and he's asked about my family and so on. So I've thought that he's been trying to some what be involved with my family and my life. And he remembered little things about our conversations, like I told him I had plastic surgery done on my chest and one night he was like "Thanks to Dr. Ted". Oh my, I laughed so hard because how could he remember his name, my family can't even remember his name. I took all of this as him caring and paying attention to me.

 

He's says that he doesn't know how to date and I somewhat believe him. One night I was over his house and left after watching a movie and tv...it was last. I left because he didn't ask me to stay (he never did the other times, the sex just meant I stayed) so I called him on my way home and he asked why I didn't spend the night. I told him because he never asked...he said he didn't realize that he was suppose to and that he tries to say nothing and that gets him into trouble too. He said he really wanted me to stay and that he was sorry he didn't say anything so I turned around and went back and we went to bed like a couple (no sex).

 

Anyway, back to the situation at hand. It's Wednesday and I still haven't heard from him...I'm dying to call him. I know that his friends always make the first move for him to go out and maybe that's what I should continue to do but I don't know. I want to call and joke and say "Hey, I was calling to make a reservation for Friday night, are you available" Should I do this?

[noidea]

Honestly, I think the problem is that it was too intense too soon. Not even the talking part, but the disagreements. Its like there was too much drama off the bat. With him coming off a very serious relationship, he probably wanted to take things slow. When you have drama so early, people start to worry that this is what its going to be like with the person, and they back off.

 

It could still work out, but I think you need to take like 10 steps back.

[bluechocolate]

noidea is right - this was too intense & had way too much drama too soon.

 

Also you met this guy 1 1/2 months after he came out of a serious relationship so I would say that it's also a rebound & they rarely work.