Money and Unwilling Family

[OnlyKindness]

I am 33, I have been dating a woman, 26, for about 7 and a half months. The last 2 months have been Long Distance. 401 miles, to be exact. The reason: We are both in debt and want to save money to achieve our individual goals. Also, she was not happy living in the city I am in, currently. We both had a PLAN to save money at our own parents houses for a year (visiting each other every month or every other month) and then move to a whole different city TOGETHER. That was the plan. Now that we live so far away, we text, vchat, call, etc. I am very much in love with her. I love the time I do get to speak with her. She is a fantastic girlfriend and a friend (that's the way it feels, and that's so wonderful and i've never felt that way before, a true friend who is a girlfriend.), i've had had 3 long term relationships before her, and she is the best, most genuine, and i feel comfortable - like my True self when i'm with her. She seems really happy with me, as well. We have (or had) a great sex life. There is mutual respect and passion and excitement. Okay, here is the Problem: Her mother, for a few reasons, does not want to meet me. My girlfriend said 1. she doesn't like the age difference (i'm too old for her) 2. she doesn't like that I'm an out of work artist with no money and 3. she thinks that during my girl's rough time - during the time she lived in my current city - she thinks i didn't act maturely or intelligently, that i was "narcissistic" and insensitive to my girlfriend's feelings and situation (whereas I feel that I was very sensitive, respectful, non-invasive and supportive). I wrote her mother a friendly email, simply stating that I'm happy to have met her daughter and i would love the chance to visit and meet her. It's been a month and a half with no response, at all. I don't expect her to change her mind any time soon, i am confident that I won't hear from her. I can see the mothers perspective: I'm older, i have no money, and her mother has the right to be cautious and critical of that, like any parent, but what bothers me is that she doesn't even want to meet me, let alone give me the benefit of the doubt. My girlfriend fears her mother, she gives her all the power and my girl is financially dependent on her mother, at this point in her life, so she's left apologizing to me every months, saying she knows it's hard, but "be patient, she might do a 180" But after 2 months of this same reason, it's becoming increasingly hard for me. I feel like i'm losing more and more hope (of getting on any kind of "track" with this relationship) It's like every month we hit a wall. I say, "this is becoming torture, not being able to be allowed to see you or know if i'm even gonna see you within this YEAR.", she says - be patient, i'm doing the best i can, you don't deserve my baggage, i don't know what else to tell you. My girlfriend does say there is hope in her mind, and we talk about it, so that's good that this whole topic is all on the table, at least with the 2 of us. So I'm asking for your help. Help me figure out how to deal with the non-negotiations, the disrespect of her mom not wanting me meet me or even acknowledge my existence through an email or something. I don't want to give my girlfriend an ultimatum, she also has depression and anxiety and i don't want to push her. But how do respect my own feelings to figure out how much pain my heart is willing to put with, how much TIME without seeing her my heart is willing to put up with. My girlfriend might say, "Be patient" and she'll just chalk it up as WORRY. But it's getting closer and closer to the point where it's not worry, it's the present and i don't know if or when i'll get to see her again and this SUCKS. How do I figure out the balance between, genuinely trying to be patient, and respecting my feelings and figure out when "enough is enough" and how much unfairness I am willing to put up with??????

[Lucky_One]

I would forget about the mother right now, and concentrate on building/maintaining your LDR so that it stays healthy and thrives.

 

When do you see her again? It's about time for a visit, yes?

 

What are both of you doing to earn and save money?

[country_gurl]

I am 33, I have been dating a woman, 26, for about 7 and a half months. The last 2 months have been Long Distance. 401 miles, to be exact. The reason: We are both in debt and want to save money to achieve our individual goals. Also, she was not happy living in the city I am in, currently. We both had a PLAN to save money at our own parents houses for a year (visiting each other every month or every other month) and then move to a whole different city TOGETHER. That was the plan. Now that we live so far away, we text, vchat, call, etc. I am very much in love with her. I love the time I do get to speak with her. She is a fantastic girlfriend and a friend (that's the way it feels, and that's so wonderful and i've never felt that way before, a true friend who is a girlfriend.), i've had had 3 long term relationships before her, and she is the best, most genuine, and i feel comfortable - like my True self when i'm with her. She seems really happy with me, as well. We have (or had) a great sex life. There is mutual respect and passion and excitement. Okay, here is the Problem: Her mother, for a few reasons, does not want to meet me. My girlfriend said 1. she doesn't like the age difference (i'm too old for her) 2. she doesn't like that I'm an out of work artist with no money and 3. she thinks that during my girl's rough time - during the time she lived in my current city - she thinks i didn't act maturely or intelligently, that i was "narcissistic" and insensitive to my girlfriend's feelings and situation (whereas I feel that I was very sensitive, respectful, non-invasive and supportive). I wrote her mother a friendly email, simply stating that I'm happy to have met her daughter and i would love the chance to visit and meet her. It's been a month and a half with no response, at all. I don't expect her to change her mind any time soon, i am confident that I won't hear from her. I can see the mothers perspective: I'm older, i have no money, and her mother has the right to be cautious and critical of that, like any parent, but what bothers me is that she doesn't even want to meet me, let alone give me the benefit of the doubt. My girlfriend fears her mother, she gives her all the power and my girl is financially dependent on her mother, at this point in her life, so she's left apologizing to me every months, saying she knows it's hard, but "be patient, she might do a 180" But after 2 months of this same reason, it's becoming increasingly hard for me. I feel like i'm losing more and more hope (of getting on any kind of "track" with this relationship) It's like every month we hit a wall. I say, "this is becoming torture, not being able to be allowed to see you or know if i'm even gonna see you within this YEAR.", she says - be patient, i'm doing the best i can, you don't deserve my baggage, i don't know what else to tell you. My girlfriend does say there is hope in her mind, and we talk about it, so that's good that this whole topic is all on the table, at least with the 2 of us. So I'm asking for your help. Help me figure out how to deal with the non-negotiations, the disrespect of her mom not wanting me meet me or even acknowledge my existence through an email or something. I don't want to give my girlfriend an ultimatum, she also has depression and anxiety and i don't want to push her. But how do respect my own feelings to figure out how much pain my heart is willing to put with, how much TIME without seeing her my heart is willing to put up with. My girlfriend might say, "Be patient" and she'll just chalk it up as WORRY. But it's getting closer and closer to the point where it's not worry, it's the present and i don't know if or when i'll get to see her again and this SUCKS. How do I figure out the balance between, genuinely trying to be patient, and respecting my feelings and figure out when "enough is enough" and how much unfairness I am willing to put up with??????

 

Why is she a grown woman who is so dependent (financially and emotionally) on her mother? Don't you think that's a huge red flag?

 

Why do you feel you need her mother to accept you? You're a grown man and she's a grown woman and at your respective ages you surely don't really need approval from her mommy.