20 years and counting

[easymark]

I too am the OW, and have been for 20 years. My MM and I are

the best of friends as well as lovers, I also have a spouse that

is good friends with my MM. I think one of us will die of old age

right in the middle of the "act'. I am not proud of my behaviour

but neither can I see myself without this man in my life,he and I really do love each other------ I just do not want to live with him!

We both are really odd people and I suppose deserve each other!

[befuddled11]

My condolences to your respective spouses, to be so innocently involved in 2 decades of lies and deceit. How pathetic.

[winterwonderland]

Personally I can't see how a person can say love when there is more than one man or woman in there lives. I just can't see it. I can't see how a person can take 2 (men/women) and one heart and say they love both. If this is what you are saying then you are not being fair to yourself and you are not loving as deeply as you should since you are not giving all of your heart to one but instead you are sharing your heart with 2.

[garciagirl]

Having been the wife of the man who was in a 34 year affair maybe I can shed a little "real life" light on this.

 

My husband and the OW had an affair that went on for 34 years. Through her still ongoing marriage and his first marriage / subsequent dating/ then 16 year marriage with me.

 

They "loved" each other. But not enough to live togeather. Just enough to maintain an emotional and physical affair for 3.5 decades. They really found the sneaking around added to the sexual thrill. And therefore he brought her into the lives of me and the kids as a trusted friend to increase the thrill and make being together often easier.

 

When I found out.( And believe me eventually someone always finds out)

I gave my husband the opprotunity to leave. In fact I kicked him out.

He cried and begged to be allowed to stay with the family.

I called and told her to come and get him. She said she wanted nothing more to do with him or the family and begged me not to tell her husband and kids.

Visuals of rats leaving sinking ships comes to mind

 

He now refers to this woman who was once "my dearest beloved friend " as a whore. She last I heard was describing her intense hate for him.

 

Meanwhile he has lost my love and respect and the kids love and respect will never be the same. I can barely tolerate to have him in the same room with me. His postion in the household is probably somehwere lower than the cat. He tips toes through our lives and lives like a shadow fearful that he will lose us. Trouble is he already has and does not know it comepletely yet.

I am socking away my money ( I earn more than he does) for emergencies and spending his paychecks to get new furniture and carpets etc. to "clean" up my home

By that I mean to replace those areas where for 16 years the two of them were having sex in my home ( purchased before I met my husband)

 

I anticipate we will not be able to work this out the pain and betrayal is too deep .I forsee me with the house (only my name is on the deed) , the kids ( and the kids love and repect which is more important ) and child support for the next 10 years. Then retirement on my two good pensions. and hopefully there is somewhere a nice little old man to be in love with in my golden years. If not at least I may find peace.

 

He has absolutely no family but us and tends to abuse alcohol & be self destructive when alone. Although he has not had a drinking problem since I met him he definately had one for a few years before that . Without his family I do not forsee a happy ending for him. Without my financial and our emotional support he will probably drink himself to an early grave

Sadly I find I do not really care.

 

She and her 400lb+ husband have now retired to a very small mountain home in a isolated & very secluded area about 4 states away from my home. He made her sell the big home in the metropolitain area. They have to spend 24/7 with just the two of them. I do not know if he is aware of her adulteries, I know he is a semi invalid and she now gets to care for him 24/7 or lose her only meal ticket. I suspect the move had something to do with the adultery.

 

 

The end result ? Two ruined familes. My daughters trust in men will never be the same . My husband has lost everything his family, his finances , the respect of his children everything. and at his age (53 )it is doubtful he will start again. She has lost her home and is now forced to the wife she never wanted to be with a husband I suspect now hates her. I have lost my husband my tradtional family and whatever illusions I had about love and fidelity. There are no winners here

 

And why? Why did all of us lose everything? Because he and she thought thier sexual high was more important then anyone or anything else & thought they were so clever no one would suspect . It is so pathetic

[easymark]

I have done much soul searching these last few months----

( there are no children involved) I have ended the 20+ affair

and it was the most heart wrenching thing i have ever done.

My husband and his wife DOES NOT deserve this type of treatment( no one wants to be cheated on) but as the above

poster knows, it was a "high" and I was an addict to him. I had to have my "fix" just like any junkie. I was not raised to behave

in this manner. We did not part as friends and I think to keep from falling under his spell, I have to keep him totally away from me. I do miss him, he was a part of my life for 2 decades. BUT

I am starting over and have seen the light and the destruction

I coiuld have caused. Better late than never------ or until it was

too late? I have alot of amends to make::::::::::

[Debster]

I purposely didn't respond earlier to your post, because it would probably have been very similar to what befuddled said and I figured it was already said.

 

I am very happy and proud of you for this development.

 

It will be hard, I'm sure. I think keeping him out of your life is the right thing to do. You will need to come up with something to say to your husband and his wife as they will have no idea why things went foul. Unless of course, they know.

 

I think you've learned a lesson and are willing to make things right.

Good for you.

[easy mark]

You are so right, I did have to explain my dumping my "friend"

to my spouse. He was ok with my explaination ( I will not confess

my mistake) I am starting over------ and to tell him the details

would only hurt him so much( I really do love my spouse, just

now realized it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Reality has finally bit me in the butt, now the time is here for he and I to re-bond. Please do

not slam me, I fell into a situation and almost did not get out.

At least I finally did have the sense to wake up. Like I said,

it really is like a high, and the obsessive behavior just

totally takes over. What a relief to be free from the sneaking

around and endless lies.

[garciagirl]

i am pleased to see you have hopefully saved yourself, your husband ,your friend and his spouse an eternity of pain.

Congradulations on doing the right thing.

 

I would be pleased if my post played some small part in helping you decide to end this 2 decade long affair.

 

My husband's priest also said it was an addiction to the "high" of the sex and the sneaking around and the "conquest" (my husband also had a major addiction to porno) This addcition is the only reason he is still here and the only reason I did not tell her entire family grandkids included.

 

The priest said that the reason my husband was so verbally abusive and controling and cruel many many times over the years was due to the OW. That if he and the OW fought he would take it out on his family. That if the OW would not have sex with him he would be angry with us etc etc etc as he was too afraid to risk anger at her and lose the "high"

 

I now see how many many times are marital problems and tears and fights were really because he and the Ow had thier own "marital" problems.

 

 

That however does not mean I cut him any slack on the "addcition" excuse. I accept he was perhaps addcited and allow him to stay ,for a while at least ,becasue it is the right thing to do.

 

This addcition excuse cannot make up for all the anger and cruelity and hurtful words he bestowed on us nor the unceasing betrayal

 

I tell my teen age kids just say no to drugs and alcohol and smoking and they do. This sexual addcition excuse is not predicted upon an underlying physiological addiciton but is a question of morality and self discipline I will never understand how he could not just say NO to her

 

My husband was crying again last night deep body wracking sobs.

He cries 2 maybe 5 times a week. This from a man who has not creid more than 2 times in the last 16 years Last night it was because our oldest daughter told her friends about Dad"s" little "34 year affair. And he was soooooooooo ashamed.

I have a very boring life I guess but I have never done anything that if my friends or my daughters friends found out would cause me any shame

 

He wanted a Hug from her , she gave him a small stiff hug and he could tell she hated doing it ,so he cried harder. She got him tissue and walked away.

We all know he is not crying for us or the pain he caused us. He is crying only for himself

 

Just a thought just because you called it off does not mean no one will find out. My husband and the Ow had not had real live sex in almost 1 year ( she had moved 6 hours aways, this was before her recent move 1400 miles away) when I found out. Will you "friend' tell out of spite? will some slip of the tongue or forgotten letter or note bring it to life. Do you really think you have covered and hidden every single tiny aspect of every single time you and he were unfaithful?

 

You may wish to consider tell ing your husband now with the good news that you broke it off etc before it comes out later and you are forced to tell

[easymark]

I did really take your post to heart------- it made it all so "real" to see it in black and white. My " friend" and I were together alot

( we show livestock) so after all this time the people who thought we were an "item" have considered us old news.

I honestly think my spouse knew of the affair, but he did not want to risk losing me , so he has feigned ignorance. I am in my

early 40s and feel that it is not too late to start over. As for any

notes, letters, ect, there were never any. My "friend" will not

squeal from spite as he has alot to lose as far as land, his own

business ect. This chapter in my life has been closed and NEVER

will I do such a terrible self centered thing again!!!!!!!

[garciagirl]

I sincerly hope you are right. That no one will find out or that your husband already knows but looks the other way. That your MM's wife will never find out and tell your husband etc.

 

You obviously have more courage than either my husband or his "friend"

to end this before the proverbail sh*t hit the fan.

 

Perhaps it will work for you.

Perhaps your husbands denial is best and will work for you rather than against you

After I found out ( I just HAD to get all the 411)

My husband told me he never loved me not once. Not for one day for 16 years not even when we had the kids

That the OW was married and would not leave her husband and I was a good second choice for a variety of reasons ( very cold and logical and selfish reasons)

 

I think his term was she "sucked" the love out of him (among other things)

 

That was until I kicked him out then presto changeo he loves me more than life .

 

Like you with your husband he suddely realizes he does loves me.......... but he wants to try and rekindle the love that he never had to begin with .

 

You see my husband ,like you ,would like to reactivte our relaitonship

 

But I do not want a relationship with him. It not that I hate him so much anymore. Although there is still some of that . It is more I do not have the incentive or energy to work at it,

 

The opposite of love I have discoved is not hate but indifference.

 

I do not want to work hard enough to overcome the pain. What he has to offer me is not worth the effort.

 

you see...

.... in everyroom I see endless shadows of thier lovemaking.

in every word I hear lies

in every family memory I now feel her presence

in every sex act ( I won't say love making) when he is with me I see only him and her in our bedroom and hear laughter.

in every remembered conversation with her I know discover new meanings

 

All my dreams are bad

 

Somethings are too painful to get over.

 

Perhaps if I had never really known we could make a go of it.

 

Perhaps your way is better.

Perhaps your husband is far wiser than I

. I could not stand not knowing. I could not live knowing that my whole life with him was a lie. I had to know just how deep the lies went, and I found out.

They are so deep the reach all the way down to the core of my soul

 

Please keep me posted as to how it is going and if your reconnecting and silence works for you.

 

I would like to think that your husband and your MM wifes escape this with no pain and that everyones dreams are good.

 

I truely wish you both peace and healing.