My boyfriend wants to be friends with his ex who hates me.

[Shindig]

So I've been with my boyfriend for a blissful 7 months now and we've never had a real argument; a couple of intense discussions about things but we've always managed to come to an agreement. In March we went separate ways for spring break and he went to California for business reasons but stayed with his ex-girlfriend to cut costs of traveling. He asked if it was OK and I said I trusted him and that if he wanted to be with her he would be. Now 2 months later she's in town and he wants to spend time with her. His sudden interest in being her friend came as a surprise to me. She dislikes me because she blames their breakup on me. It was also a very bad breakup. I wrote her a note to apologize for any wrong I may have done her but she still seems set on hating me.

 

I don't want to put my boyfriend in the spot of deciding between her and me but he's trying to make everyone happy and in the end its just making the two of us miserable. I also feel that his friendship with her is somewhat inappropriate, especially since she doesn’t like me. He disincludes me from events where she knows she is going to be and if she shows up to an event where he is, he uninvites me. He also tries his best to make sure we don’t run into one another. I understand that he doesn’t want her to feel uncomfortable because I’m around, but I feel like he’s cutting me out of a portion of his life.

 

I know he doesn’t want to be with her, and I’ve told him how I feel about it and he gets upset. He says I don't trust him and I say I don't trust her. He denigrates this response with "what is she gonna do?". In the past he has portrayed her as being somewhat unstable and having poor concepts of what boundaries are and from what I gather he is still at the center of her emotional universe and he has moved on.

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

Why would he want to continue to be around her often if he knows she is still in love with him...

 

I know he doesn’t want to be with her

How can you be so sure?

 

I don't want to put my boyfriend in the spot of deciding between her and me but he's trying to make everyone happy and in the end its just making the two of us miserable. I also feel that his friendship with her is somewhat inappropriate, especially since she doesn’t like me. He disincludes me from events where she knows she is going to be and if she shows up to an event where he is, he uninvites me. He also tries his best to make sure we don’t run into one another.

 

Sounds a little fishy to me, what do you mean "choose" he is in a relationship with you...I can understand if he doesn't want to be "all over" you in front of her out of pure respect but uninviting you? Are you sure they aren't trying to rekindle something or that they haven't already?

[supermom]

Doesn't sound like a good idea. If she has a problem w/ you and still has feelings for him.........what do you think she will try to do? Of course try to get him to cheat on you...why wouldn't she?

 

I think it is HIGHLY inappropriate for him to even argue this with you. Come on ask him if you can start hanging out w/ your exes and see what he says.

 

I think this is an affair waiting to happen imo.

 

tell him to choose you or its over for your own benefit.

 

good luck

[befuddled11]

Whoa! He stayed with this ex of his in California while away on business, to "cut costs"? That's ludicrous. First of all, wouldn't it be true that if he's incurring expenses while away on a business trip, that he'll be reimbursed for them? That all sounds like BS to me. I've never heard of a guy going away on business, one who has a girlfriend, yet he shacks up with the ex girlfriend while away to "save costs"......RED FLAG! Especially considering the fact that she's obviously still got a thing for him.

 

The fact that he doesn't invite you to things when he knows she'll be there, that's another RED FLAG.

 

Girl....smell the coffee. Things aren't right here. She's his EX for a reason. If he still needs her in his life like this, he doesn't deserve to have you. Don't put up with this crap.

[Shindig]

He went to California to look at business schools with a bunch of our mutual friends, that is to say that it wasn't a company sponsored trip or that he was unchaperoned.

 

It is a concern that he doesn't include me when he hangs out with her. I think he's trying to 'make it easier' on her because he feels badly about how rough their breakup was but inadvertently he's feeding her attatchment to him both by paying attention to her and by leaving me out.

[twalkoe]

Before we jump to conclusions here...

 

I have to admit that I am still friends with all of my exes. I believe that if someone goes through life burning bridges that there is some sort of character flaw. You should be glad that he has strength in character to still be friends with her instead of just writing her off...

 

However, I cannot look over the fact that he uninvites you places when she is going to be there. If the woman hates you, it just simply isn't your problem! Time that you and your bo should be spending together shouldn't be nixed because the ex is going to be there. If it's an uncomfortable situation for him, that the two of you don't get along, (which is understandable) then neither of you should be going to these events.

 

Ask him about this...express your concern that you are uninvited places. You should be the priority now not her. If he won't stop "uninviting" you or doesn't choose to not go himself and spend time with you...I hate to say it, but there may be a bigger issue here.