Cutting off ALL contact with your ex?

[gbadboy]

If you absolutey absolutely cannot bare the thought of seeing your ex, talking to your ex, texting your ex because its just TOO PAINFUL and if you're absolutely adament that NC is the way to go and will stick by it 100%, then you are like me.

 

I do not have that desire to contact my ex. None whatsover, which I think is a great step foward.

 

Not that I dont WANT TO. I do. But id rather spare me the pain.

 

The only time I want to speak or see him is if we are reconciling.

 

Im taking drastic steps to cut my ex off b/c i really just cant cope with this pain. I am cutting not only him off but anyone and anything that is associated with him. I even have a mutual friend who he has become close to , but i am cutting that person off -because I dont and can't be around ppl who are close to my ex.

 

Am I being too drastic?

Anyone been in my position before?

For me, all links to him must must be cut off in order for me to heal. If we are to be together, it should happen on it's own and I want to be out of his life for a while.

[radiodarcy]

i don't think you're being drastic at at all. i think you area being highly reasonable

 

i too have done the same thing with my ex. i was just journaling about this; i lost a lot of face in the whole situation - - i let him walk all over me; allowed myself to be used to sex in the hopes of getting the relationship i wanted (it was a friends with benefits situation that lasted for 2.5 years and i desperately wanted more).

 

the sad thing was, he and i used to be friends before anything happened. he even told my friends that he thought very highly of me. perhaps if i had gone NC much earlier than i did, there would have been a chance for friendship and i could have recovered the respect i had lost. but because i hung in there til the bitter end (or close to it) i pretty much eradicated any chances at him thinking of me the same way he did before all this happened.

 

but as the situation dragged on, he lost a lot of respect for me. i can't say i blame him. i lost a lot of respect for myself as well. but i still think his actions - - i.e. the mixed signals created an incredibly confusing, unstable situation that left me feeling the same way on the inside. and because i let it go on for so long, it's sort of become our trademark.

 

i don't think there's any way to get past that other than time. lots of it. and even then, after having put myself out there, i'm not particularly inclined to put myself out there by initiating contact and i'm pretty sure he's not going to do it either (he's the dumper). but this isn't a stand off it's just - - moving on with my life.

 

but getting his respect back isn't an issue. it's a matter of cultivating and maintaining my own by sticking to NC.

[coltsfan1]

This is what I did, I share NO mutual friends and I do my best to not even go to places where she maybe. Read some of my posts, any friend that would require you to spend time or will discuss you with the ex is no friend to have. I have hurt people that may have truly cared for me, but I was left with three choice share friends, be left out , or walk I chose to turn my back and walk. I would rather be hated for what I am then loved for what I am not.

[gbadboy]

@ Mr Right,

 

Thanks. What is the absolute point of keeping in touch with ppl who are so close to him (even if they are my friends)? It doesn't help my situation at all.

I can honestly say with my first xbf, I was able to move on b/c I cut off all ties with him as he did with me. We had no "middle" links or mutual friends and thus we were able to get over it easily (it was a 6 yr relationship i might add).

 

This is why I am so adament on what i have to do now , because ive done it before (that is total cut off) and its worked.

 

The longer u also stay connected to any "reminders" of him, the more you'll prolong your pain. I dont want any information of me going back to him and if im around ppl who are in touch with him, then info will go back to him.

 

@ radio...

I wish you had never allowed yourself the whole friends with benefit thing. Its crossed my mind, but I can't go that route - id just feel to empty afterwards and yes, they'll soon just view you as a "hook up " and there goes your dignity and self respect.........

 

I will admit, the break up was my fault and based on my wrong doing so I had to put more "leg work" in to fix it and beg him to work it out with me (under normal circumstances, especially you are being dumped for no major fault of your own, then id say never beg. BUT if you are the cause of the relationship i.e u cheated, or u did something very wrong to ur ex, and thus wanted to work it out with them, then i think you need to do some beggin - u owe that at least to them). I dont believe the begging degraded me though, as it was done with its own limitations.

 

but yea, i couldnt resort to the benfits thing.

[gbadboy]

@ Coltsfan

 

Well said. Actually the 3 choices is something I never thought about but should.

 

The last thing I want to do is ask anyone to take sides. Nope. People are free to be friends with whomever they want, I cannot control who ppl talk to. I can only control who I talk to and who I want to associate with.

 

I tried to maintain a friendship with one of my friends , but everytime I hang with him, I can see my EX. Everytime my friends gets a text message I wonder if its my ex. Its too unbareable for me. WHy the hell am i putting myself through that?

 

I have other friends who have no contact with my ex and its those Im sticking with.

 

On a side note, Im not upset at that this one particular friend is close with my ex. Actually my ex has no friends of his own and has a rought life. He was recently kicked out of his bc his parents found out about him being "gay". I sympathize and he had no where to go so he's staying at my same friends place.

 

Given im the one that did my ex wrong, given im the one that was unfaithful to him, I cannot ask my friend not to take him in. Im glad he is taking care of my ex as my ex and I care about each other still.

 

BUT that doesn't mean I have to associate with that friend. I want more than ever to be with my ex but if I can't , then friends is out of the picture b/c it pains too much.

 

At the end of the day you are right - sometimes you have to be selfish and do what is right to protect YOUR own feelings - even if it means hurting other people.

[radiodarcy]

@ radio...

I wish you had never allowed yourself the whole friends with benefit thing. Its crossed my mind, but I can't go that route - id just feel to empty afterwards and yes, they'll soon just view you as a "hook up " and there goes your dignity and self respect.........

 

I will admit, the break up was my fault and based on my wrong doing so I had to put more "leg work" in to fix it and beg him to work it out with me (under normal circumstances, especially you are being dumped for no major fault of your own, then id say never beg. BUT if you are the cause of the relationship i.e u cheated, or u did something very wrong to ur ex, and thus wanted to work it out with them, then i think you need to do some beggin - u owe that at least to them). I dont believe the begging degraded me though, as it was done with its own limitations.

 

but yea, i couldnt resort to the benfits thing.

 

i too wish i hadnt gotten into the FWB-thing. it was the first and last time i will ever do it. and to make matters worse, he my first. but yes i felt empty inside. i couldn't even enjoy it knowing he didn't feel the same.

 

but like you, i don't regret the begging. i mean - - i regret what it did to my dignity but i don't regret doing everything i could (within reason) to let him know how i felt and what i wanted. without having exhausted those efforts i would not have been able to go NC and completely cut him out of my life.

 

at least you know you are in the wrong and tried to take responsibility to work things out. he opted not to take you up on it so it's not like he didn't have his chance. you have every right to be selfish and protect yourself.

[coltsfan1]

I don't know if I read you post correctly, but if you did something wrong ie cheat, abuse, steal, then you should let him go till you have worked through those reasons. My ex did things that can never be came back from, and I miss her everyday. But the lady that I love does not exist. I truly feel for you but if you did wrong, then you have to walk. This is what is best for you both, atleast until you work through your issues and he moves on.

[gbadboy]

Hey Colts,

 

You read right. I was unfaithful with him but we were on a "break" at the time and he simply saw our "break" as still being together. There was misintrepreation on both our sides b/c while on a break, him and I were not intimate at all -we hung out as friends, but hung out every day nonetheless so I can see how he could be hurt.

 

And yes, I am working through those issues as he has mentioned to me.

 

I am walking and haven't bothered him. The last time I saw him since going NC a week ago, we had a good conversation and I know he still cares about me as he said he does and he said he'd always be here for me if I ever needed him. As I said I would too. WHen I was about to leave, he asked me to stay back and to hang more, but I found strength to leave.

 

THat's the last time I will see him - because it hurts too much to be around him.

 

Maybe in time when I work through my issues , I might cross paths with him again, but I certainly won't chase him anymore........

[gbadboy]

@ Radio,

 

Had I done nothing to try to win him back, had I just walked away I think it would have showed him that I dont have any remorse at all.....

 

At least he can't say I never fought for him and tried to fix things.

 

I couldn't go NC on him until I tried to rectify, until I tried to "beg" (with dignity) , until I poured my heart out to win him back...

 

Now that I've done all that, I have strength to go NC. And i think that's important. A lot of ppl go into NC without having the strength and hence break NC.

 

I needed to get it all out of my system before I could go NC...and thats why its easy for me.

 

My god, if I know he is somewhere, I will definately 100000% not go! Why? So I can see pain?

 

The thing is, he has told me that he wants me in his life still, but its me that can't be his friend.

 

He told me I ruined the relationship and now i wanna destroy the friendship?

 

Well, I just cant be friends with someone im in love with.

[gluttonForPunishment]

Heck I wish I could go complete NC, but I got four darn kids with the woman. I think I could actually get over this if I didn't have to hear from her or about her from or regarding the kids.

[gbadboy]

Sharing children is just absolutely painful because there is no way around it - you have to keep in touch with them -UNLESS you have a willing family member who can do the interactions/conversations with her - say a sibling for example.

 

Keep in mind though that eventually the kids will grow and once their 18+ you can just converse with them directly. Long time from now but its a time that will eventually come - and that's a gaurantee.

[coltsfan1]

Hey Colts,

 

You read right. I was unfaithful with him but we were on a "break" at the time and he simply saw our "break" as still being together. There was misintrepreation on both our sides b/c while on a break, him and I were not intimate at all -we hung out as friends, but hung out every day nonetheless so I can see how he could be hurt.

 

And yes, I am working through those issues as he has mentioned to me.

 

I am walking and haven't bothered him. The last time I saw him since going NC a week ago, we had a good conversation and I know he still cares about me as he said he does and he said he'd always be here for me if I ever needed him. As I said I would too. WHen I was about to leave, he asked me to stay back and to hang more, but I found strength to leave.

 

THat's the last time I will see him - because it hurts too much to be around him.

 

Maybe in time when I work through my issues , I might cross paths with him again, but I certainly won't chase him anymore........

 

If you where on a break and still spending time with him DAILY but didn't tell him you where dating someone else then that was hurtful to him. It also means that you spent the day/evening with him and left to share yourself with someone else. Trust me when I tell you this my ex cheated on me and I found out through friends who knew she was cheating. It crushed me in respect to her and did permanent damage with me and the "friends" that knew and did not tell me. I did in someway make them choose sides and so will you. If you cut contact with anyone who still speaks with your ex your actions will be saying "as long as you speak/hang out with my ex I won't be spending time with you." So in turn you would just be making the decision for them.

 

My advice is this, if you feel awkward around certain people then you should NOT spend time with them. But remember this is not going to be fun, it took me 9 months to truly severe all ties to my ex. These people now hate me (really just the wives who are friends with my ex) but the men know what kind of man I am and what their wives cost them. I feel no pity for them anymore, I am an honest man and I meant that I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I am not! So hang in there and STAY OUT THE BOTTLE AND OFF THE DRUGS. I stayed off the drug but crawled into the bottle and it was the worst thing I could do in the situation.

[gbadboy]

Hey Colts,

 

Your posts sound just like my ex talking.

Like you, his rational was - even though we were not together persay, the fact of the matter is, we were still hanging out alone every day - coming over etc. and while we weren't intimate persay, we were still hanging out while I was hooking up.

 

I can say that what i was doing was hookin up and NSA stuff. And even though I was single, I can see how that would hurt him though given we were still hanging out.

 

What we should have done is during the "break/break up" we should have not been hanging out. That was my mistake. I don't know if its fair he use the word "cheating" but I suppose he could argue it was extremely insenstive and grounds for breakin up.

 

You are right, if I cut ties with ppl who are close to them, I am (via my actions) telling them to pick sides.

 

BUt here's the thing, I've told my friend (the one he's staying at) to be there for him and support him. Why? Because I know in my heart Im the one that did the wrong, so who am I now to shut off all his support systems? (He has no friends of his own. He made friends with my friends while we were dating).

 

So in a way, im sacraficing something for his happiness you get me?

 

Mind you - he did try to reconcile with me but we were in the midst of an argument at the time and I rejected him, which I regretted a few days later.

 

I understand people won't feel pitty for me, but all I can say is I have severe remorse and I have promised to move mountains, sell my place and get one of our own - and cut off all my internet services, get rid of my cell phone - anything to correct it, but I have to respect his view point.

 

Did your gf as wrong as she was try to fix things? And if so, would you be willing to give her another chance?

Sometimes ppl screw up and do unforgivable things, but I suppose if they show genuine remorse, there might be hope?

 

Also, the bottle is something i would never go to. IN fact ever since we were offically over, Ive lost all motivation to drink, party etc. I basically cry every day. And I dont do drugs and would never do that.

 

Im a young man, graduated from university, living downtown in a condo on my own , have a great job , great family etc. But I feel absolutely defeated.

 

I realize though that cutting all ties from him will cause some ppl to be upset at me, but I cannot cannot cannot be around anyone who is so close to my ex. B/c everytime their phone rings or they get a text, I will wonder if its my ex and I will relapse and it will ruin my night.

 

I have other friends who do not contact my ex (they do this on their own, not b/c i told them to select sides) - and when im with them, it helps get my mind of things.

 

I would rather lose a friend who's close to my ex then live with the pain of not being with someone who you loved and who really never did you any wrong to deserve what they got.

 

My previous bf of 5 years, the only way I got over him was to cut off all ties with him - and it worked.

 

Thats why I know what I must do now.

 

My current ex wants to be friends down the road but I could never be his friend.

 

Sorry for the ramble!

[gbadboy]

Hey Colts,

 

Me again. You asked me to read some of your earlier posts and I read the one about the letter you want to send your ex.

 

My god - it really brought my tears. I think if you sent that to her she would literally destroy herself.

 

THe words you used are the exact exact words my ex said to me more or less. He said I was suppose to be part of my family and how I ruined all of it. Those things are not good to hear.

 

All I can say this, I have shown so much remorse these past 2 months and I would really hope that would count for something.

 

Has your gf at least tried to fight for you back? Do you think if she did try to move mountains to fix her wrong would you then maybe forgive?

 

Are you more upset at what she did? Or furious at what she did coupled with the fact that she's not even TRYING to fix her wrong?

[coltsfan1]

Hey Colts,

 

Your posts sound just like my ex talking.

Like you, his rational was - even though we were not together persay, the fact of the matter is, we were still hanging out alone every day - coming over etc. and while we weren't intimate persay, we were still hanging out while I was hooking up.

 

I can say that what i was doing was hookin up and NSA stuff. And even though I was single, I can see how that would hurt him though given we were still hanging out.

 

What we should have done is during the "break/break up" we should have not been hanging out. That was my mistake. I don't know if its fair he use the word "cheating" but I suppose he could argue it was extremely insenstive and grounds for breakin up.

 

You are right, if I cut ties with ppl who are close to them, I am (via my actions) telling them to pick sides.

 

BUt here's the thing, I've told my friend (the one he's staying at) to be there for him and support him. Why? Because I know in my heart Im the one that did the wrong, so who am I now to shut off all his support systems? (He has no friends of his own. He made friends with my friends while we were dating).

 

So in a way, im sacraficing something for his happiness you get me?

 

Mind you - he did try to reconcile with me but we were in the midst of an argument at the time and I rejected him, which I regretted a few days later.

 

I understand people won't feel pitty for me, but all I can say is I have severe remorse and I have promised to move mountains, sell my place and get one of our own - and cut off all my internet services, get rid of my cell phone - anything to correct it, but I have to respect his view point.

 

Did your gf as wrong as she was try to fix things? And if so, would you be willing to give her another chance?

Sometimes ppl screw up and do unforgivable things, but I suppose if they show genuine remorse, there might be hope?

 

Also, the bottle is something i would never go to. IN fact ever since we were offically over, Ive lost all motivation to drink, party etc. I basically cry every day. And I dont do drugs and would never do that.

 

Im a young man, graduated from university, living downtown in a condo on my own , have a great job , great family etc. But I feel absolutely defeated.

 

I realize though that cutting all ties from him will cause some ppl to be upset at me, but I cannot cannot cannot be around anyone who is so close to my ex. B/c everytime their phone rings or they get a text, I will wonder if its my ex and I will relapse and it will ruin my night.

 

I have other friends who do not contact my ex (they do this on their own, not b/c i told them to select sides) - and when im with them, it helps get my mind of things.

 

I would rather lose a friend who's close to my ex then live with the pain of not being with someone who you loved and who really never did you any wrong to deserve what they got.

 

My previous bf of 5 years, the only way I got over him was to cut off all ties with him - and it worked.

 

Thats why I know what I must do now.

 

My current ex wants to be friends down the road but I could never be his friend.

 

Sorry for the ramble!

 

Never be sorry for posting here we are all here to help each other!!! You will have to be patient with him, what you "did" was not cheating!! I will totally agree with you, but if he loves you he feels that you lowered your own value by being so casual with something he felt was worth so much. YOUR INTIMACY, your body your passion the gambit!! What he is really saying by being so screwed up in the head and turning you away is "if that is all you think of yourself then to hell with you!!"

I am making an ASSumption here and thinking that he must be where I was when everything came unraveled. We are both men and we know how hard it is to tell another person they mean that much to you, especially at the risk of being rejected.

 

When I wrote about pity please believe me that I was not writing about you or your situation, that was me kind of venting... Just to clear the air!! For me seeing your side is kind of reliving because it gives me some hope that my EX is a human being. But you really are going to have to be patient with him, give him space, work on being a better person, learn about art, history, something that will fill your head with fruits of knowledge. What you put in your head and heart is what will come out in your actions. I tell you this from experience, I was a hateful, bitter, person to anyone that knew and didn't tell me (my ex cheated while we WHERE still an item) PLEASE don't make that mistake. The booze did nothing but fuel my rage and make me look like the bad guy she made me out to be.

 

Or furious at what she did coupled with the fact that she's not even TRYING to fix her wrong?

the answer to this question is yes, no sorry no nothing. She isn't sorry, and if she is to be honest it is to late. It was over a year ago and I am not the type of person to get over something easily. She know me and she knows that. Keep posting, I will respond it is kind of nice to hear your side.

 

In my ex's behalf I was no saint and I truly did let her down, I stopped being the strong, confident, leader and I will not do that with the next gal.

[gbadboy]

Right, and hearing your view point is almost exactly similar to the view point of my ex.

 

I know I did something wrong, I feel absolutely horrible. Do you want to know how he found out? He actually took my phone one day and broke into my password (he figured it out somehow!) and went through all my messages. I didnt think that was right because we were not together and he had no right go through my private property. Had he been my bf, he would have every and all right to go through anything he wanted.

 

Nonetheless, he went through my phone and that's fine - I accept it.

 

Geez, I can see his rational for saying these things. He told me to put myself in his shoes and now I'm seeing it. I wouldn't like it.

 

 

But in relation to you. You indicated that you are mortal enemies with your ex. That is very sad. I will say that 2 months ago , my ex was extremely furious at me - especially after I rejected him after all we went through (a 2nd mistake i made ) . He had BITTER resentment towards me. Like you, he absolutely hated me . When we would hang out all together, he refused to even look at me. Ignored me completely . I saw the hatred in his eyes. Everytime I would go up to him he would ignore. I suppose you still have that anger towards your ex.

 

But as of last week, we finally had a great conversation. Yes there was arguing, but we also laughed, he made fun of me a bit, and while we spoke, he told me that he how I ruined everything and how he was so close to my brothers and so forth.....

 

When i told him I loved him, his reply was "No you don't love me. If you loved me you wouldn't have done that to me". WHen I told him I want to fix things and settle with him , he replied "You don't know what you want. You just want me on your side so you can do your thing. You dont really love me, you just love the fact that I get a long good with your family and that I get a long good with your friends"

 

 

But I realized that the moment I started to apologize and admit my mistakes is the moment he started to open up to me. And I think that is key. He said he doesn't want me to make excuses. I did something wrong and the worse thing someone can do is know they did something wrong but STILL find an excuse. I realized I had no excuse - I admitted ot it and I think if your xgf did that, you would be much more receptive to her.

 

I will say this. Had I done my wrong and not at least fought for him, cried for him, begged for him (yes beg) - I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I hurt someone who I cared about so much.

 

My ex can never say im heartless or that i have no remorse. In fact, I think deep down inside he's GLAD that I've been making attempts to fix things - that's why he started to finally joke around with me.....thats why he would let me sit on his lap last week when we were "breaking up again"...thats why he wiped my tears from my face, thats why he said he'd always be here for me....

 

I think if your xgf swallowed her pride, you guys could have made a lot of headway.

 

Im not saying I have any chance of getting my ex back. HE said I need help and I need to fix myself and I've been doing that. I de-activated my facebook account (which is a huge step for me as im an avid facebooker) and I even gave him my cell phone last week to go through it ! He actually went through my phone and thought he'd find something incriminating, but he hasn;t

 

Anyway - I believe that if your xgf was doing what I was doing towards you, you could at least find some way to have some kind of dialog with her and I think that would help you a lot.

 

I think what hurts you more is that she doesn't care enough to even admit her mistake, be a woman and say - im sorry .SOmetimes sorry can be a powerful thing and I realized this.

 

Do you know how hard it was to say sorry? Only after deep reflection and only after I really put myself in his shoes, I swallowed my pride and I think that helped at least make us have peace with each other.

[coltsfan1]

Do you know how hard it was to say sorry? Only after deep reflection and only after I really put myself in his shoes, I swallowed my pride and I think that helped at least make us have peace with each other.

 

Yes I do know how hard this is, but the difference in your situation and mine is YOU wanted it and my EX does not, and this is why I say give it time. He may have to go on a spree for a bit. But he may not if you truly want it you will have to be patient and just wait it out. Might take 3 months might take 3 days, at least he will speak with you.

 

I know I did something wrong, I feel absolutely horrible. Do you want to know how he found out? He actually took my phone one day and broke into my password (he figured it out somehow!) and went through all my messages. I didnt think that was right because we were not together and he had no right go through my private property. Had he been my bf, he would have every and all right to go through anything he wanted.

 

What you have to understand is WHAT you did wrong. IF he felt like I did it isn't about the hooking up it is about how important that part of your RL was with the two of you and how you so easily gave/shared it with someone else. Especially if you two where still spending time together. I am sure deep down he thinks if you wanted to be with someone why was I not choosen, and am I not good enough anymore, was I poor in bed, what is wrong with me!! Those are the things that ran through my head. It is all about you and not him, he has you on a pedestal. This isn't fair for you but it is the truth, if he is like me.

 

But in relation to you. You indicated that you are mortal enemies with your ex. That is very sad. I will say that 2 months ago , my ex was extremely furious at me - especially after I rejected him after all we went through (a 2nd mistake i made ) . He had BITTER resentment towards me. Like you, he absolutely hated me . When we would hang out all together, he refused to even look at me. Ignored me completely . I saw the hatred in his eyes. Everytime I would go up to him he would ignore. I suppose you still have that anger towards your ex.

 

Read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251041/?highlight=coltsfan1 this is just one situation. There is so much more to the story but I don't want to post it here. If I told you the whole deal you would agree she left me with no choice but to despise her. I think it made it easier on her to know that I hate her, then she doesn't have to feel bad. Women who know??!! lol

[gbadboy]

Feel free to let me know your story - its all good.

 

I read the link, so she was sleeping with you and this other person at the same time?

 

What I did was wrong, but what I was doing was a quick hook up and during that time I was not in no way shape or form intimate with my ex at all. He would come over but we'd hang out. Nonetheless its still wrong but had I been sleeping with him, I think he would hated me even more.

 

You're right -he has to go on spree. He's 23 also and honestly, I truly dont believe he could settle at 23 -especially when you're gay - young people have a lot of discovering to do. Our world is so much different than yours -we have a lot of more obstacles to face and it makes relationships even more tough.

 

Last week when I saw him, while he was angry at everything, I was sitting his lap....while we were arguing he would clean my ears!, he would fix my clothes while im crying and he'd dust my shirt off while im talking. Just cute stuff that we use to do when we were together. He full out told me he cares about me and a huge part of me was GLAD he took my phone to go through it . It kind of shows he's still wondering.

 

Has your gf ever tried to be friends with you? Or did you choose to go NC on your own?

 

The weird part with my story is, after I wasn't able to get my ex back, I tried the friendship route, but he told me he cant be my friend right now because being friends and hanging out will "suck him back" into me only to get hurt again. He said in time.......

 

Not sure if your gf offered you friendship but you refused for the same reason as my ex did.

 

SO at the end of the day, my ex can be my friend one day down the road, but I know myself that I can never be his friend and I can never be around people who are close to him. Thats how much Im hurting.

 

You also hit the nail below with regards to sleeping with each other. My ex and I never went "all the way" if you get my drift (dont get grossed out!!) and that was a problem we had during our relationship. In fact , I was seldom affectionate with him - so , when he found out about these encounters he said "you did stuff with these ppl but not with me? You had me to do stuff with, was i not good enough?"

 

Honestly it kills me to hear that b/c it wasn't like that at all.

 

Ive been reading up a lot and speaking to a lot of people and what I found out was that I had a wall up with my ex and I limited my affection and intamcy with him because I knew that if I did that , it would get me even more attached.....and I was afraid me being 32 and him being 23, he would eventually cut and run and leave me if not in 2 years then in 3 years. B/c what 23yr wants to settle down? SOme will say they do, but in 3 years they will want to see whats out there.

 

So I think thats why I held back with him. He of course doesn't know this, as this is something im now discovering as I've been working on myself.

 

Anyway, I find it really sad that you really hate your ex. Feel free to let me know what actually went down - its totally all good, as you've heard some of my stuff.

 

But having said that, im sure you did a lot of wrong things to her also and im sure she did a lot of good things to you.

 

Thats the problem my ex has.......he has done a lot of f***** up stuff but to have him admit yet? Never! He can be very stubborn. Also, I have done a lot of good for him - otherwise why would he fall in love with me? I looked out for him, encouraged him to study, go to school, become somebody.......I would try to steer him away from people who were a bad influence on him. But he never focuses on my good - just on my bad!

 

ANyway,maybe in NC he'll see I had good qualities. And thats why I was sayin in an earlier post, I wanted to start NC only WHEN I got on good terms with him. I wanted his last impression of me to be a good positive one.........and frankly it has been. In fact he actually asked me to stay back and hang more and invite my brother over when I was about to leave last week......that shows me that deep down inside he wants me in his life.

 

But ill say this - I cannot be his friend........I thought i could be, but I absolutely cant. The thought of him with someone else is painful. And that is why to my earlier point I will avoid anyone and anything that reminds me of him. I have no desire to break NC b/c what if i do and he doesn't reply? At least my final contact with him has been a really postive one.

 

I wont even drive on certain roads anymore. I've taken 1hr detours to avoid certain roads in his area.......thats crazy eh.

 

Ok I'll stop. If you ever wanna express more about your xgf, - im all ears!

[coltsfan1]

I wont even drive on certain roads anymore. I've taken 1hr detours to avoid certain roads in his area.......thats crazy eh

 

It isn't crazy and I avoid roads that I may see my ex on. I totally understand!

 

I read the link, so she was sleeping with you and this other person at the same time?

 

Yes she was and no one told me till after she broke up with me.... I felt used, betrayed and laughed at, this is why I speak to no one that speaks to her, or if they knew and didn't tell me.

 

Has your gf ever tried to be friends with you? Or did you choose to go NC on your own?

 

Not to my knowledge, but I went bonkers after the breakup. Cut everyone out and made it clear there was no coming back. I kind of played it bad!! Just lost my mind knowing that she cheated they knew. I can't even say some of my friends didn't sleep with her afterward.... I was lost TOTALLY upside down, but I am grounded now. Made other friends set other goals and trying my best to move past everything. We haven't spoke she is with someone else and we won't speak. It is really a shame to spend so long with someone and it end so poorly. JUST ANOTHER SAD STORY!!

 

You also hit the nail below with regards to sleeping with each other. My ex and I never went "all the way" if you get my drift (dont get grossed out!!) and that was a problem we had during our relationship. In fact , I was seldom affectionate with him - so , when he found out about these encounters he said "you did stuff with these ppl but not with me? You had me to do stuff with, was i not good enough?"

 

i knew it cause I have been him!! You have did some real damage..... This is not going to be simple and easy, I would think being a gay couple would be enough stress to be honest. I am NOT trying to be hard on you just want you to think about things. It sound to me like you drove him away.... You are going to have to make some LONG term changes.

 

But having said that, im sure you did a lot of wrong things to her also and im sure she did a lot of good things to you.

 

My EX is a beautiful, wonderful, giving, special girl and I truly love her and miss her deeply. I did let her down, she begged me to change I told her she had to change first since I knew something was going on. She cheated lied to everyone, the truth came out and she broke up with me prior to me finding out. END OF STORY

 

ANyway,maybe in NC he'll see I had good qualities. And thats why I was sayin in an earlier post, I wanted to start NC only WHEN I got on good terms with him.

 

I went NC straight way. No contact from her and No contact from me!!

[gbadboy]

Your stories have so much paralells with mine.

Honestly, some of my friends who I'm cutting out I blame party for our break up. They got way too involved in my relationship and its like some gay ppl can be such b*** and drama queens! Talking too much and gossping it just bugs me.........

 

I tried to keep my ex away from that, I tried to keep him away from even some of my friends b/c honestly I know how some of them are - they talk too much - But my ex didn't listen to me.....He went out and made friends with everyone and I had to accept that. He never respected any of my wishes and I was doing this b/c i wanted to protect him.

 

Now he is so involved in the "scene". Partying non stop and all those ppl he parties with don't care about him....they dont care about his school or his future.........Sure its fun to party and dance, but ppl dont care.

 

Anyway, I suppose that's for him to handle now and I have no say...

 

Regarding your ex and how she is....well my ex said as "a friend" I am an amazing wondeful and awesome friend and how I would kill for my friends and he's seen all the good I did for my friends.....but he said im a horrible bf. urgh. But I know he's just stretching that, I know he knows im a good guy deep down.

 

How long did you guys date? Knowing that you still love her, I think if she had made attempts to fix her errors as it happend there might have been a chance. But a year later, really is too late.

 

At least I tried to remedy everything the moment it happend.

 

Oh and btw I was in utter shock moments ago, my ex accidently in error just texted me. I deleted his number from my phone as part of my NC, but I obviously know his number by heart. He said , "Wave, im outside" meaning he was outside my condo, but then 9 min "Dont pay attention to that"

 

Oh well, its better than nothing! At least it proves that he stiill has my number programmed in his phone under my name.

[coltsfan1]

Drama and gossip is by NO means just in the gay community, all my friends are straight and my social circle was the same way. Just how people are, that's life....

 

My ex and I dated where together for about 4 years, I love her still but not in the way I use to. I hope she is truly content with her choices and feels proud of the decisions she has made. I put WAY to much trust in a person that comes from a family WAY different then mine. She will have to reap what she sows it has no reflection on me or my character.

 

At first I told myself that she did not want to leave but the truth is she did, and the truth is it took a long time for me to accept that. If she wanted to be here she would be here plain and simple.

 

Your ex is young and yu have given him an excuse to live the life now. I partied sleep with different girls, spent money, traveled, none of it mattered at the end of the night it was just me that's it. So take faith that at some point your ex will wise up too, take some like me longer than others but it will happen.

[gbadboy]

I suppose at his age he needs to out there and party it up and thats why I was always hesitant dating him b/c he is 23 and im 32.

 

Thanks for the chat man. You seem like a cool guy! You'll have the girls on your door step in no time if they aren't already there.

 

Ill look out for your posts from time to time and give you my 2 cents whenever. You do the same.

 

Peace.

[gbadboy]

Hey Colts,

 

I posted new a thread explaining the below but since I had a lot of back and forth with you, I wanted to quickly let you know....

 

That my ex CAME OVER to my place just now!!!! He texted me and I didnt reply.........I stuck to my NC and then a few minutes later his friend (a girl) called me and said they are "downstairs in my lobby and want to come up"

 

ANyway, details are in my new post on the main board, but in summary we had a great conversation (argued a lot, but we always do that, he yelled , called me every name in the book, accused me of doing stuff with ppl and I allowed him to yell at me as he has every right too. But at the end of it, we were much better and I honest think we have a chance at reconcilliation.)

 

 

He wants me to phone him tomorrow, and given im the one that did wrong, its I that has to do all the leg work........ I will tread carefully though and this with much care and delicacy.

 

I need to make sure i sort out my own issues and he's regained my trust before we can get back.

 

So thank you!