Choosing To Stay

[jwi71]

I am not answering questions that are irrelevant to my question, which asked how do OW committed to the long term handle periods of longing?

 

Crocheting?

[His4Always]

Crocheting?

That's slightly better than World of Warcraft.

Are you an OW?

[Spark1111]

I am aware of the statistics. I am aware that people think he won't leave. Those things are completely irrelevant to me. I did not start this thread to discuss whether he will ever leave or not. I already know the answer to that.

 

I am not answering questions that are irrelevant to my question, which asked how do OW committed to the long term handle periods of longing?

 

I cannot imagine this, so my advice is of no use for you because I have none.

 

I can't wait in lines patiently, steam pours out of my ears when I reach a customer service recording with number prompts, I do not suffer fools well, and I am a relationship junkie!

 

I grow exasperated if my man is stuck in traffic and I have to wait dinner, conversation, connecting, texting, communicating or sex for too long.

 

Five years? While I admire your self-sacrifice, and I HAVE sacrificed for MY children, I have never sacrificed my life, my love, for someone else's children.

 

That is very admirable, BUT FIVE YEARS?

 

Look, any man who wanted my love would have to introduce those children to me and blend all of us the best way possible so I could be a part of their lives and they could be a part of mine if that meant I could be with my man and he with with me as often as we wanted.

.

If I long for too long, I tend not to want the object of that longing for too long. Like that cute sports car I can't afford.

 

I am self protective and do not deal with longing all that well. I figure there is someone else I could long for that could actually RECIPROCATE.

 

Crocheting? World of Warcraft? Not for me.

 

I personally would don my favorite little black dress, some high heels and head out dancing!

 

Bet I'd find someone I wouldn't have to long for --for too long.

[spice4life]

Crocheting?

 

LOL! Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

[MissBee]

I cannot imagine this, so my advice is of no use for you because I have none.

 

I can't wait in lines patiently, steam pours out of my ears when I reach a customer service recording with number prompts, I do not suffer fools well, and I am a relationship junkie!

 

I grow exasperated if my man is stuck in traffic and I have to wait dinner, conversation, connecting, texting, communicating or sex for too long.

 

Five years? While I admire your self-sacrifice, and I HAVE sacrificed for MY children, I have never sacrificed my life, my love, for someone else's children.

 

That is very admirable, BUT FIVE YEARS?

Look, any man who wanted my love would have to introduce those children to me and blend all of us the best way possible so I could be a part of their lives and they could be a part of mine if that meant I could be with my man and he with with me as often as we wanted.

.

If I long for too long, I tend not to want the object of that longing for too long. Like that cute sports car I can't afford.

I am self protective and do not deal with longing all that well. I figure there is someone else I could long for that could actually RECIPROCATE.

 

Crocheting? World of Warcraft? Not for me.

 

I personally would don my favorite little black dress, some high heels and head out dancing!

 

Bet I'd find someone I wouldn't have to long for --for too long .

 

Those are my sentiments exactly.

 

Am I the only one who when I get into a romantic situation that has all these blocks and obstacles, I immediately start to consider it as a sign that it is probably not meant to be I am romantic...but not that romantic. I used to be though...then realized through experience it was more of me being ridiculous and trying to fit a square peg into a hole when it really meant that since the love didn't come with the right circumstances and the circumstances didn't seem to be changing anytime soon, I should just give it up and move on.

 

I do not believe there is only one person for anyone. I believe you can have many "almost matches" and fewer good matches then even fewer perfect matches. I am learning to be discerning and realizing when a situation is an "almost but not quite" and leave it be. I truly feel like if it was the best situation for me, it wouldn't be filled with tumult or I'd be able to leave it alone and it would resolve it self.

 

I do wish the OP luck, but like you, am rather cynical about that and it's not only about him being married but anyone telling me about waiting for any person for 5 years, for whatever reason, would garner the same response.

[spice4life]

Those are my sentiments exactly.

 

Am I the only one who when I get into a romantic situation that has all these blocks and obstacles, I immediately start to consider it as a sign that it is probably not meant to be I am romantic...but not that romantic. I used to be though...then realized through experience it was more of me being ridiculous and trying to fit a square peg into a hole when it really meant that since the love didn't come with the right circumstances and the circumstances didn't seem to be changing anytime soon, I should just give it up and move on.

 

I do not believe there is only one person for anyone. I believe you can have many "almost matches" and fewer good matches then even fewer perfect matches. I am learning to be discerning and realizing when a situation is an "almost but not quite" and leave it be. I truly feel like if it was the best situation for me, it wouldn't be filled with tumult or I'd be able to leave it alone and it would resolve it self.

 

I do wish the OP luck, but like you, am rather cynical about that and it's not only about him being married but anyone telling me about waiting for any person for 5 years, for whatever reason, would garner the same response.

 

Amen to that MissBee! Once I realized the "square peg round hole" syndrome, it was only a matter of time. Quite a revelation isn't it?

 

His4always, the only two people that can alleviate the longing are you and him. Have you talked about this with him? Does he have the capacity to "hear" how you are feeling during these times? And more importantly, does he at least try to meet you half way?

 

I wasn't waiting for my xMM to leave, but there was a time when I tried to "stay in it" and I couldn't deal with the longing. I always ended up feeling like I was settling for less than I wanted. After realizing I spent my life trying to fit a "square peg in a round hole" (thanks MissBee !), it didn't sit right with me anymore. I even tried to tell him, in a very blunt way, that I couldn't and was always met with the same resistance. Then I started to resent "myself" for trying to settle...it wasn't who I was anymore. That is when the fade out started. I eventually detached myself from him emotionally because the situation wasn't even close to meeting my needs. It was hard to bend after that.

 

BUT, in reading how others in your situation have dealt with this, I can tell you that you MUST...live your own life outside of him and stay busy as h*ll when he is not around! And make sure the communication is open and honest as crazy as that sounds in these circumstances.

[mzdolphin]

Did the wife tell you that was the arrangement, or is this all out of the mouth of the cheater?

 

Be careful who you spend your years on.

 

I was thinking the same thing. My ex MM was saying all types of stuff he claimed his wife was saying. If she knows about you he wouldn't have any problem with you contacted her and apologizing for the situation. I'm not advising this, but I'm telling you, I would want some type of proof this is the case and if he truly loves you, he would provide serious proof.

[MissBee]

Amen to that MissBee! Once I realized the "square peg round hole" syndrome, it was only a matter of time. Quite a revelation isn't it?

 

It is! A great one too. It's like doing something the hard way for years that took up so much time then having a friend show you a shortcut that allows you to do it 95% faster and better and you feel so thankful to not have to waste so much time as you did all those years you didn't know!

His4always, the only two people that can alleviate the longing are you and him. Have you talked about this with him? Does he have the capacity to "hear" how you are feeling during these times? And more importantly, does he at least try to meet you half way?

 

I wasn't waiting for my xMM to leave, but there was a time when I tried to "stay in it" and I couldn't deal with the longing. I always ended up feeling like I was settling for less than I wanted. After realizing I spent my life trying to fit a "square peg in a round hole" (thanks MissBee !), it didn't sit right with me anymore. I even tried to tell him, in a very blunt way, that I couldn't and was always met with the same resistance. Then I started to resent "myself" for trying to settle...it wasn't who I was anymore. That is when the fade out started. I eventually detached myself from him emotionally because the situation wasn't even close to meeting my needs. It was hard to bend after that.

Same here! Funnily, my AP at the time was the one who kept saying "I don't know what will happen, but as of today, I don't want to lose you." This was in response to me becoming painfully aware after a while that I ALWAYS had a longing and a latent dissatisfaction, I always ended up frustrated at some point and I am sorry...I just did not believe I needed to wait it through. I do not believe it is noble and fighting for my love is something that doesn't sit well with me in most scenarios...as most times I feel people are fighting an uphill battle that shouldn't be fought versus doing something that makes sense. I did try to stay and not make any demands and there were times when my frustrations mounted and I felt I had enough and would try to cut it off then of course miss him and start back up...but the longing never went away and had he ask me to wait 5 years, I think I would have been insulted. To each her own, but I do not desire a relationship that is built in such a way that I need to be supported through longing.....it's one thing to be married to a military man or celebrity who is away a lot or something, and even then I think only certain people are suited for that and those whom it bothers a lot should probably opt out...but for an affair, to be told to wait five years...I just don't think there is a huge incentive and I would just take it to mean I need to keep it pushing. I would have very little steam to wait, so I am in awe of the OP for that.

BUT, in reading how others in your situation have dealt with this, I can tell you that you MUST...live your own life outside of him and stay busy as h*ll when he is not around! And make sure the communication is open and honest as crazy as that sounds in these circumstances.

 

Yeps...that's about all there is, as well as be REAL and HONEST with yourself about how you feel as time goes by and adjust accordingly.

 

Response bolded

[lynne76]

I'm just weighing in to echo what others are saying....just be sure that you are happy day-to-day and not pinning all your hopes on the future. In my own experience, a number of unforeseen things happened in the external circumstances of my MM's (now xMM) life that brought him closer to his wife than ever before, after years of ambivalence. One of their closest friends died suddenly, unexpectedly, and terribly tragically; after years of infertility they experienced a natural pregnancy for the first time (and then the miscarriage suddenly brought them closer as well); his father got ill and is now about to die; the list goes on and all. All of these things happened within a six month period, the six months after the first six months of him and i being in love and making plans together....He never lost his love for me, but he re-found his love for his wife, and it's been -- hands down -- the hardest thing I have gone through in mine, and my life has been a laundry list of my own tragedies, so I am saying a lot here. I am still grappling with coming to terms that I now am one of those people who may very well go to her grave with an unrequited love I never got over, with a love that I admit is definitely keeping me from resuming a "normal" life, and with a love that I can't see any other man comparing to, and so I can't even contemplate dating. I feel a burden on me that I will carry for the rest of my life, it's very difficult. So please, be careful with this man of yours....he and his wife may very well find that things happen in their lives that will keep them together. Illness like cancer, a family death, these things bind and bond people....I don't know what else to say except godspeed.

[MissBee]

I'm just weighing in to echo what others are saying....just be sure that you are happy day-to-day and not pinning all your hopes on the future. In my own experience, a number of unforeseen things happened in the external circumstances of my MM's (now xMM) life that brought him closer to his wife than ever before, after years of ambivalence. One of their closest friends died suddenly, unexpectedly, and terribly tragically; after years of infertility they experienced a natural pregnancy for the first time (and then the miscarriage suddenly brought them closer as well); his father got ill and is now about to die; the list goes on and all. All of these things happened within a six month period, the six months after the first six months of him and i being in love and making plans together....He never lost his love for me, but he re-found his love for his wife, and it's been -- hands down -- the hardest thing I have gone through in mine, and my life has been a laundry list of my own tragedies, so I am saying a lot here. I am still grappling with coming to terms that I now am one of those people who may very well go to her grave with an unrequited love I never got over, with a love that I admit is definitely keeping me from resuming a "normal" life, and with a love that I can't see any other man comparing to, and so I can't even contemplate dating. I feel a burden on me that I will carry for the rest of my life, it's very difficult. So please, be careful with this man of yours....he and his wife may very well find that things happen in their lives that will keep them together. Illness like cancer, a family death, these things bind and bond people....I don't know what else to say except godspeed.

 

Wow....that is so poignant. It's just so complicated to build a life with someone who essentially has a shared life with another person. It's really a game of Russian Roulette and if you don't need to play it (which most people don't), I think it's foolhardy to do so. The bolded is said beautifully...which I think sometimes is the problem. Sometimes I think OW (as did I) have this idea of it being cut and dry that they love me now and not their wife anymore, their feelings for me are more or they have lost the love. But sometimes they still do love their wives just the same, they may love her more although they fancy you too and they may "re-find" the love, especially since longtime marriages do need to be refreshed and sometimes I think men and women instead of "renewing" the love, they get bored and find another, when the problem isn't that they don't love each other, they're just bored.

 

Anyway Lynne, I do believe it is possible that you will not carry this burden forever and I feel it a huge tragedy to resign this man to your "true love lost". I think you should consider him ONE of your great loves and be optimistic that you can move forward. After all, I do not believe he is so special he deserved two great loves (you and his wife) and you only deserve one, him. Pssh! Not so. Love him, mourn the fact that it wasn't forever and move forward to a love that is requited and substantial!

[spice4life]

Response bolded

 

All excellent points! I especially like the point about being real and honest with yourself and adjusting accordingly.

 

His4life, the "collective" theme of the responses you received is one of concern. Five years is a looong time and a lot of changes can happen between now and then. A's are hard enough as it is, but being asked to wait that long is quite a HUGE request. And, you are being asked to accept such little crumbs in the meantime. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and try not to lose YOU in the process...you have a long road ahead of you.

[wannabdone]

Man, miss 10 hours and look at all the posts!!!

 

I understand the position you are in. I met and fell in love with my xMM 10 years ago. At first it was he was leaving, hands down. Dday came and went, he didn't. A couple more came and went and he didn't AGAIN. So, after those we had a period where he told me he just couldn't leave. He had multiple children, and loved them. Again, just like you, one of the things I admired so much about him. He couldn't stand to leave his young children in a broken home. So I had decided for a while that I would just stay with him and be OW until he left. His love was too precious to give up. Well, that came and went and my impatience couldn't handle it. Although the actions where always I wasn't the first place in his life, his words were other. And those words were all I had to go on. Sad. So, there we went back into the "i'm leaving" phase. I finally had enough this year. Trust me, you don't want to hear this...as much as you love him. You will grow more tired than you are now, more tired than you are happy.

 

But, that wasn't my point. My point is....if you have decided to stay with him until his children leave. Okay. You have the right to do as you please. He is M, he has a W, he has children, you are the OW. You know your place, you know what this is. You have accepted it. You know you will have good days and bad, and so on and so forth. So, how do you go through the rough days? You sit alone and you cry. You miss him, you have times you feel like you want to die. And you get to do it all alone. Why? That is what you chose to do. Basically, you have openly accepted to wait for the man you love. So, it is what it is. There is no magic pill thats going to make those days you are sad get better. This is the bed that you made. And you know how the rest goes.

 

So, I'm not saying he won't leave, or he doesn't love you, or anything like that. I'm just wondering what you are needing. If you know all the statistics, and they are irrelevant. And you know your place in his life and are accepting of it. You know that you are going to have some days that hurt like a bitch. That is just part of the life you have accepted.

[SoMovinOn]

His4 ... I am an OM, not an OW, but I am essentially in the same situation as you, even though the details are different. There are no kids involved, but I have no idea if/when she will get D. Like you, I have chosen to stay in the A.

 

I would say the first thing you should do when you're having a down day, is to remind yourself of the reasons why you chose to stay in the A to begin with. Whether a down day or an up day, it's important for you to continue to living your life, enjoying your life, and moving forward with your life in positive directions. Anything you might put on hold because of the A, or not do at all because of the A would contribute to you having down days. Staying positive and moving forward with your own life will help to minimize them. No one can predict the future and anything can happen in 5 years. Sometimes, life changes in an instant. That being true, it's important to keep moving in the life you have.

 

Another thing to help with the down days is to consider why you're having a down day. Is it just that you miss him and the 5 years ahead seems long? Or is your down day caused by you having some concerns or doubts about the R? If it's the latter, it's important you and he are able to communicate and discuss those concerns and doubts. Knowing you have his support can certainly help you through any down days.

 

Of course, the general advice for anyone having a down day in any situation applies here to - do something positive, do something fun, distract yourself from the thing that is getting you down and put your mind elsewhere.

[26pointblue]

 

You have read that adult children (18-22) have stated how much they wish their parents had divorced prior to them becoming adults, right? How they feel as if they were lied to. Several talk shows have been done about this.

 

So does he leave the day after his youngest turns 18? The week after? The month after?

 

Do you really think his kids won't figure out daddy has a mistress and cheated on mom? So you can call him whenever and he will be by your side at a moments notice? How often do you see him?

 

This is me . . . the adult child of parents who stayed together for the children. I know this is a site for OWs but since you don't really seem to need/want 'help' or 'support' & are here for the discussion, I just wanted to weigh in & say I think what he is doing is being an awful dad. He is lying to & deceiving his children. Teenagers aren't dumb & they will figure out what's up, now or when he leaves to be with you right after the youngest one turns 18. [Hello! How do you think this is going to make his youngest feel?? Knowing that the life he knew was a sham, maintained because of him????]

 

I don't approve at all. And yes, I am an OW who did not stay with my xMM who claimed to be staying for the children & saying he would leave once they were in college. One of the things that made me stop to think, & eventually leave him, was that he was capable of doing this to his own kids. Five years is a long time to waste on someone capable of deceiving his own kids. I don't think anything good can come of it.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=His4Always;3635392]Hello,

 

His wife knows he is in love with someone else. He doesn't try to hide it, but he is discreet. She is adamant that they maintain their home and the family unit until the youngest child is out of the home. All she requires of him is that he provide for the family and be a good Dad. She told him that the children musn't find out he is seeing another woman and he isn't to use family money to see me. This is their agreement and they both agree that is best for the kids. She knows that he plans to leave the marriage as soon as the youngest child leaves home.( You left out that she cant wait for this day)

 

Sound like his Wife is in complete agreement that both he and She want out as soon as possible. She knows about the affair and really doesnt care other than it affecting her kids. She has made the ground rules and he adheres to them. She knows exactly what she is doing.

 

I dont think you or he need to feel guilty like you are doing anything wrong - clearly the wife doesnt think so. If I were you or MM though...Id be concerned because...this woman has a Plan. Make NO doubt about it.

[His4Always]

Hi 2sure,

Their plan is to stay together as a family until the youngest son graduates and then they plan to dissolve the M.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is the scenario of a "romantic novel;" the kind at the check-out stand at the grocery store with Fabio modeling, shirtless, with a heaving-bosomed lady clutched to his bulging chest. Not real life.

 

What ever happened to Jenny-Jenny, or whatever her name was? She really liked to write this kind of story here, too. You should be friends.

[MissBee]

This is the scenario of a "romantic novel;" the kind at the check-out stand at the grocery store with Fabio modeling, shirtless, with a heaving-bosomed lady clutched to his bulging chest. Not real life.

 

What ever happened to Jenny-Jenny, or whatever her name was? She really liked to write this kind of story here, too. You should be friends.

 

 

 

Ohh yess, that's reminiscent of her. In reading older posts I saw a lot of her posts and they all had this heir of being a sacrificial OW in the noble cause of love and so forth....I wish she were still around. It's an interesting perspective.

[woinlove]

This is the scenario of a "romantic novel;" the kind at the check-out stand at the grocery store with Fabio modeling, shirtless, with a heaving-bosomed lady clutched to his bulging chest. Not real life.

 

What ever happened to Jenny-Jenny, or whatever her name was? She really liked to write this kind of story here, too. You should be friends.

 

If that were the case, it wouldn't be a bad story line. Everything's out in the open, no lies, no bad treatment of others, great sex, amazing connection, but you just have to stay the OW for a decade or so while the happy children are well cared for by the gorgeous MM in an otherwise meaningless M.

[whichwayisup]

Hi 2sure,

Their plan is to stay together as a family until the youngest son graduates and then they plan to dissolve the M.

 

His plan or their plan? Are you 100% sure she is aware of this plan to divorce as soon as their youngest graduates?

 

As I mentioned already, be aware that 'anything' can happen between now and 5 years from now. Life happens and it is unfair to you to make these plans and promises of the future when he anywhere near divorced. And, in the next 5 years, he and his wife will continue living "life" together..Sleeping in the same bed, having sex and intimacy (I assume he's probably told you otherwise about their sex life)..

[NoIDidn't]

Hi 2sure,

Their plan is to stay together as a family until the youngest son graduates and then they plan to dissolve the M.

 

So only five more years until the youngest graduates high school or college?

 

I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone that I can't be involved with as well, but I understand that people do.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I find it boring, though. The more interesting perspective, IMO anyway, would be the life story of the wife. Why would she choose this (talk about "Choosing To Stay;")? What would be the benefit of living in a loveless marriage (evidently an open one, but does she have a lover or lovers? Maybe she's a lesbian? Or she hates her husband and wants him to suffer?) "for the kids" in this social climate?

 

I'd like to understand the wife's mind, and see into her personal life.

 

I think it's pretty much commonly accepted that "two happy homes are better than one unhappy home" for children, among the world of professionals and regular people who have experienced such things.

 

And unless the man in the story is unemployed, clearly he is not spending very much time with his teenagers if he is able to provide complete and absolute emotional and physical fulfillment to our OP. There are not enough hours in the day ... and teens have busy lives, too.

 

Why don't they explore living a polygamous lifestyle, since everything is all in the open? They could convert to conservative LDS and have a happy Celestial marriage. This might be a LOT healthier for the kids, since they wouldn't have to be living in a false world constructed upon pretense. And, they could be a part of a supportive community of similar families.

 

Do the two "wives" know each other now? Does the mistress know the kids?

 

The point of view of the mistress, as given here, is very one dimensional. He's a handsome, godlike figure. She is beautiful, and submissively waits for his servings of lurrrve. "Love Conquers All." Yawn.

[His4Always]

His plan or their plan? Are you 100% sure she is aware of this plan to divorce as soon as their youngest graduates?

 

As I mentioned already, be aware that 'anything' can happen between now and 5 years from now. Life happens and it is unfair to you to make these plans and promises of the future when he anywhere near divorced. And, in the next 5 years, he and his wife will continue living "life" together..Sleeping in the same bed, having sex and intimacy (I assume he's probably told you otherwise about their sex life)..

Hi whichwayisup,

I believe that there is an agreement between them. Friends that know both of them have told me that she felt it was more important for the family to stay together until the youngest graduates high school and leaves for college. She is devoutly religious and believes in parents staying together for the kids.

 

Once she found out about us, she no longer wanted sex with him. I know that this will sound like a page out of the book, but she was not a sexual person to begin with. Please don't think I am putting her down. I am telling the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Hi whichwayisup,

I believe that there is an agreement between them. Friends that know both of them have told me that she felt it was more important for the family to stay together until the youngest graduates high school and leaves for college. She is devoutly religious and believes in parents staying together for the kids.

 

Once she found out about us, she no longer wanted sex with him. I know that this will sound like a page out of the book, but she was not a sexual person to begin with. Please don't think I am putting her down. I am telling the truth.

 

Don't rely on him, or their friends, what they say. Only two people who know what truly is going on in their marriage is MM and his wife. Anyway, even if they do have sex, he's not going to tell you that.. All it would do is upset you and make you feel awful..He ain't stupid.

 

Have you spoken to her directly or is all this relayed through him? how do you know 100% for sure she knows about you? Even friends can't confirm this, especially if they are his..

[whichwayisup]

She is devoutly religious and believes in parents staying together for the kids.

 

Then the chances of a divorce happening, let alone her knowing of an affair actually happening right under her nose, is slim to none. Sorry, but I think your MM is snakey and crafted up a real good continual lie. He's apparently good at deceiving.

 

I know you don't want to hear anything negative or face any fact that some of what we're saying *could* be true.. Just know that the safety net around your A with him isn't on firm ground. To assume everything will go as planned is ridiculous.