Question about being dominant with women

[The Blue Knight]

[FONT=Verdana]I'm back with a whole new subject.

 

My wife recently told me that she was turned on by my being more dominating. Not S&M mind you, and not being hurt. Just being dominating.

 

Here's the deal. I tend to be a very gentle and deliberately slow (during foreplay particularly) lover until she's hot and then it's go time and we're fulling going at it with the bed shaking.

 

A couple of months ago, I just came into our bedroom where she was lying on the bed on her stomach watching TV, and without saying a word, turned her over on her back and began making intense love to her. I just had an intense desire at that moment and I knew from a previous discussion that we'd had that she wanted something like that. She later confided that she was very turned on by that act.

 

So my question to you ladies is, how much is too much? I know this seems odd to ask because my wife was responsive and that much I know. But at the same time I want to know what other women think. Obviously you don't want to be dominated each and every time you have sex I assume.

 

And I assume that it's only a turn on if it's done once in a while (surprisingly) vs. over and over.

 

My wife is really the shy type who has a hard time opening up about details involving sex, and I typically can get good feedback on this forum from others.

 

In other words, if I walk up behind her while she's tinkering around in the bedroom and I grab her arms, begin feeling her up, take off her clothes and bend her over to take her from behind is that the same thing as what I did previously, or is there a limit?

 

Yes, I realize I can find this out by giving it the old college try so please don't send me advise like "you'll only know if you try it with her." I'm interested in what you ladies think, or I wouldn't be asking.

 

The thing is, I'm a very courteous person which is why I think I always need "consent" or the idea that we're mutually interested in sex when we're going to "do it." I'm also very turned off by rape dominance ideals and images and any behavior bordering on that, so I think that's why I've always steered away from that type of behavior with her, so that it could never be misconstrued by my wife.

 

Our sex life is pleasing and pleasurable for both of us but she's far too shy (even though I've asked her) to give me details about what she wants. I'd probably get it out of her if I got her drunk, but she seldom drinks and if she does drink, it puts her to sleep (that would kind of work against me).

 

Looking for ideas from the ladies. And PLEASE don't tell me to ask her. It's not that I haven't tried. She just smiles and says it's all good. I'm just looking for some insights before I pursue this further.

[/FONT]

[alphamale]

Looking for ideas from the ladies.

i have a great idea but i'll keep it to myself since i'm male

[CarrieT]

Looking for ideas from the ladies. And PLEASE don't tell me to ask her. It's not that I haven't tried. She just smiles and says it's all good. I'm just looking for some insights before I pursue this further.

 

Okay, I am sorry, but this IS something you have to communicate with your wife about. Say that you want to play more at this and talk about ground rules.

 

So my question to you ladies is, how much is too much?

Every woman is different - that is why you have to talk to your wife about it.

 

What I would recommend is a safe word; something that you would never normally hear during sex. Yellow. Waffle. Whatever.... Then you can go and see what her limits might be without laying them out beforehand.

 

For me, I have frequently engaged is "consensual rape" where there is no too much until I utter the safe word - that space in my head which is beyond what I can handle.

 

But I am an extremist who has played within the BDSM community and this is how the ground rules are laid out.

 

And I assume that it's only a turn on if it's done once in a while (surprisingly) vs. over and over.

You'd be surprised. For me, I want the soft and tender only once in a while and the forceful, dominant most of the time...

[xxoo]

In other words, if I walk up behind her while she's tinkering around in the bedroom and I grab her arms, begin feeling her up, take off her clothes and bend her over to take her from behind is that the same thing as what I did previously, or is there a limit?

 

I'm reading this, and wondering how it could be too much? You grab her (I assume you mean firmly, not painfully): ok. You feel her up: ok in my relationship. You take off her clothes: she could say no at this point, but if not--OK! It's working! You proceed to sex: well, obviously!

 

I love when H takes charge this way. We don't need a safe word, because no is always no. I just respond well to this very assertive approach. It turns me on. It certainly never makes me feel unsafe to be taken in my husband's arms and felt up, in the privacy of our bedroom. And if there is a reason now is not a good time, I'll thank him with a kiss and ask for a raincheck

 

Candles and soft music are WAY overrated

[mem11363]

Blue,

It took me quite some time to accept this concept. For context I would NEVER hurt my W, and if anyone else tried I would die stopping them.

 

We/I are not into S&M or dressing up.

 

Just like you, the idea that it has to be completely and CLEARLY mutual made this idea of just "taking my W" VERY HARD for me to accept.

 

That said, Many, MANY women wish to be "taken". The less "optional" it feels to her the more intense the experience it is.

 

Being forceful is almost universally popular. Holding her arms down/pinning her is part of the game. Being mildly rough can also intensify the experience.

 

The end result of "taking" her is that she is happier and more in love with me. As for me, I like it BECAUSE she likes it. I have read TONS of posts by women on sites like these and THEY all say THEY like it when their H does this dominant/take them stuff. And not just once in a while either.

 

Mid cycle - when she is ovulating - she will want the MOST aggressive version of this whatever that turns out to be. Hey I didn't make this stuff up - you can read lots of scientific stuff about mid-cycle female behavior.

 

 

[FONT=Verdana]I'm back with a whole new subject. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]My wife recently told me that she was turned on by my being more dominating. Not S&M mind you, and not being hurt. Just being dominating.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Here's the deal. I tend to be a very gentle and deliberately slow (during foreplay particularly) lover until she's hot and then it's go time and we're fulling going at it with the bed shaking. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]A couple of months ago, I just came into our bedroom where she was lying on the bed on her stomach watching TV, and without saying a word, turned her over on her back and began making intense love to her. I just had an intense desire at that moment and I knew from a previous discussion that we'd had that she wanted something like that. She later confided that she was very turned on by that act. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]So my question to you ladies is, how much is too much? I know this seems odd to ask because my wife was responsive and that much I know. But at the same time I want to know what other women think. Obviously you don't want to be dominated each and every time you have sex I assume. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]And I assume that it's only a turn on if it's done once in a while (surprisingly) vs. over and over. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]My wife is really the shy type who has a hard time opening up about details involving sex, and I typically can get good feedback on this forum from others. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]In other words, if I walk up behind her while she's tinkering around in the bedroom and I grab her arms, begin feeling her up, take off her clothes and bend her over to take her from behind is that the same thing as what I did previously, or is there a limit? [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Yes, I realize I can find this out by giving it the old college try so please don't send me advise like "you'll only know if you try it with her." I'm interested in what you ladies think, or I wouldn't be asking. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]The thing is, I'm a very courteous person which is why I think I always need "consent" or the idea that we're mutually interested in sex when we're going to "do it." I'm also very turned off by rape dominance ideals and images and any behavior bordering on that, so I think that's why I've always steered away from that type of behavior with her, so that it could never be misconstrued by my wife. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Our sex life is pleasing and pleasurable for both of us but she's far too shy (even though I've asked her) to give me details about what she wants. I'd probably get it out of her if I got her drunk, but she seldom drinks and if she does drink, it puts her to sleep (that would kind of work against me). [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Looking for ideas from the ladies. And PLEASE don't tell me to ask her. It's not that I haven't tried. She just smiles and says it's all good. I'm just looking for some insights before I pursue this further. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]

[Linda9999]

I have been trying to convince my husband to be more forceful for a while now. I even went so far as to buy some fuzzy handcuffs and write down to him exactly what I wanted him to do with them and he STILL didn't.

 

You say you don't want to ask her because she'll just say it's all good. Well, maybe get a little more risque each time you try something and find out afterward if it's still good or not. Or, ask her while you're actually at it. Make that part of the scenario. You DO need feedback from her because what's good for her isn't going to be good for me or anyone else.

[The Blue Knight]

Thank you for looking in on me once again xxoo. I'm trying to get this domination thing. She's clearly not into the S&M or the real freaky stuff.

 

It's not something that comes naturally to me because I think of myself as a gentleman and someone who respects women. I still open doors for them and treat them with old fashion values.

 

That, combined with what I do for a living makes the idea of just taking someone sexually rather difficult for me. I've always needed this "consent" idea before I proceed. I know that sounds weird. What can I say? I am what I am.

 

As I've said in my other posting, I don't think she'd ever say no. In some ways that's what bothers me. Is she capable? Not that I'd ever go very far with this. I know she'd never want to be hurt or have any pain associated with it.

 

The night that I did this I just jumped right in and took control but was still rather tame. I just rolled her over and went for it. For whatever reason that was a turn on for her she told me later. Since I want to give her what she wants, I want to proceed in this direction but I also want to be respectful and there's where the two worlds collide for me.

 

I'm reading this, and wondering how it could be too much? You grab her (I assume you mean firmly, not painfully): ok. You feel her up: ok in my relationship. You take off her clothes: she could say no at this point, but if not--OK! It's working! You proceed to sex: well, obviously!

 

I love when H takes charge this way. We don't need a safe word, because no is always no. I just respond well to this very assertive approach. It turns me on. It certainly never makes me feel unsafe to be taken in my husband's arms and felt up, in the privacy of our bedroom. And if there is a reason now is not a good time, I'll thank him with a kiss and ask for a raincheck

 

Candles and soft music are WAY overrated

[The Blue Knight]

mem, thanks for the feedback. Nice to see another guy who struggled with this. You guys have to remember. Not only was I raised to be a gentleman, I was raised to respect women. Add to that the fact that I've interviewed numerous criminal sexual assault victims and you can see why I'm a little freaked out about it. Truthfully, I can't even watch rape scenes in movies.

 

Don't know if any of you remember the first "Death Wish" from the early 70s but there's an opening scene where the housemaid is raped and I've never been able to watch that scene again since seeing it when I was a much younger.

 

I can be perfectly aggressive. I have no problem with that. I just feel like there has to be a "consensual" feeling that, okay let's make love. At the same time I understand what you guys are saying and it's helping me paint a picture of what I have to do. Your comment that the less "optional" it is for her, the more of a turn on it is for her really struck me. I can see that's where I have to go and I'm going to take her to that level.

 

Honestly, I've heard of women who like that but I guess I never really felt that there was an abundance of them out there. Besides, my ex was perfectly capable of being sexually assertive as we've discussed before and so I never had to think it those terms. But it makes sense seeing as my wife is somewhat passive about sex. Maybe that's what's been missing.

 

Blue,

It took me quite some time to accept this concept. For context I would NEVER hurt my W, and if anyone else tried I would die stopping them.

 

We/I are not into S&M or dressing up.

 

Just like you, the idea that it has to be completely and CLEARLY mutual made this idea of just "taking my W" VERY HARD for me to accept.

 

That said, Many, MANY women wish to be "taken". The less "optional" it feels to her the more intense the experience it is.

 

Being forceful is almost universally popular. Holding her arms down/pinning her is part of the game. Being mildly rough can also intensify the experience.

 

The end result of "taking" her is that she is happier and more in love with me. As for me, I like it BECAUSE she likes it. I have read TONS of posts by women on sites like these and THEY all say THEY like it when their H does this dominant/take them stuff. And not just once in a while either.

 

Mid cycle - when she is ovulating - she will want the MOST aggressive version of this whatever that turns out to be. Hey I didn't make this stuff up - you can read lots of scientific stuff about mid-cycle female behavior.

[The Blue Knight]

Well the handcuffs I can provide if she wants them. Linda if you went so far as to write it all out and he's not going with the program, I'd guess he's a bit like me where the hangups are related to concepts surrounding "forced sex."

 

If you don't mind my asking what exactly are you hoping to get from your husband? In other words, how far are you wanting him to take it? What's too far? If this is too personal just ignore the question. I'm just trying to obtain some more female insights on the subject.

 

I have been trying to convince my husband to be more forceful for a while now. I even went so far as to buy some fuzzy handcuffs and write down to him exactly what I wanted him to do with them and he STILL didn't.

 

You say you don't want to ask her because she'll just say it's all good. Well, maybe get a little more risque each time you try something and find out afterward if it's still good or not. Or, ask her while you're actually at it. Make that part of the scenario. You DO need feedback from her because what's good for her isn't going to be good for me or anyone else.

[xxoo]

It's not something that comes naturally to me because I think of myself as a gentleman and someone who respects women. I still open doors for them and treat them with old fashion values.

 

That, combined with what I do for a living makes the idea of just taking someone sexually rather difficult for me. I've always needed this "consent" idea before I proceed. I know that sounds weird. What can I say? I am what I am.

 

As I've said in my other posting, I don't think she'd ever say no. In some ways that's what bothers me. Is she capable? Not that I'd ever go very far with this. I know she'd never want to be hurt or have any pain associated with it.

 

The night that I did this I just jumped right in and took control but was still rather tame. I just rolled her over and went for it. For whatever reason that was a turn on for her she told me later. Since I want to give her what she wants, I want to proceed in this direction but I also want to be respectful and there's where the two worlds collide for me.

 

Oh, I can say no! It isn't an issue of being unable to assert my own boundaries, or wanting to be taken unwillingly.

 

It is the sheer strength of his hands and grip that turns me on. The feel of his, er, manliness pressing against me. The force of his kiss. The ache of his lust. And then I don't WANT to say no (but if it isn't working for any reason at all, I'll let him know!)

 

Gentle kisses caresses are nice....but not mentally arousing. 30 seconds of assertive touch and grope can get me as turned on as 30 minutes of gentle caresses and kisses. Does that make sense?

 

Do you know how many men want "A lady on the streets and a whore between the sheets"?

 

It is sort of like that. I want a gentleman during the day, and a bad boy at night

[The Blue Knight]

Hmmmm . . . so how often does it not work for you when he pulls this? I'm just wondering because if a guy got shot down once too many with that approach, it may backfire.

 

Now your analysis of "a lady by day and a whore by night" is interesting. I've always said that a man likes to marry a lady but wants her to be a tiger in the bedroom. Same thing essentially.

 

Your descriptions are very helpful. And I can say that I have noticed that if I take her in the method you described she does seem to respond. I don't do it often enough I guess. I'll have to correct that in the future!

 

Oh, I can say no! It isn't an issue of being unable to assert my own boundaries, or wanting to be taken unwillingly.

 

It is the sheer strength of his hands and grip that turns me on. The feel of his, er, manliness pressing against me. The force of his kiss. The ache of his lust. And then I don't WANT to say no (but if it isn't working for any reason at all, I'll let him know!)

 

Gentle kisses caresses are nice....but not mentally arousing. 30 seconds of assertive touch and grope can get me as turned on as 30 minutes of gentle caresses and kisses. Does that make sense?

 

Do you know how many men want "A lady on the streets and a whore between the sheets"?

 

It is sort of like that. I want a gentleman during the day, and a bad boy at night

[The Blue Knight]

Our discussion led me to look on the internet a bit. Here's some info that sheds some light on what a couple of you already posted:

 

 

 

In perhaps the most fun assignment ever, Psychology Today‘s news editor, Matthew Hutson, has been blogging about why strong women fantasize about aggressive lovers. Mmm, do tell!

 

 

Way back in 1973, researcher and therapist E. Barbara Hinton interviewed women about their fantasies and—surprise, surprise—women said they fantasized being “forcefully taken.” She discovered women fantasize about aggressive lovers because it makes the women feel desirable, not because they like being physically hurt or rejected.

 

 

In recent years, University of Kansas psychologist Patricia Hawley has picked up where Hinton left off. In April, she published a paper in the Journal of Sex Research that studied how the genders respond to domination fantasies. Both men and women enjoyed fantasies in which they were dominant, but socially dominant women were actually more turned on than anyone else by submission fantasies.

 

 

This led Hawley to probe further. The rationale, her studies seem to indicate, is that ladies don’t enjoy the forcefulness itself as much as the idea that an overpowering passion is bubbling over behind that forcefulness. A socially dominant woman, in particular, was more likely to fantasize she was sexually irresistible and was turned on by the idea that her partner was so engorged with lust that he was going to burst.

 

 

But that’s not all—Hawley has performed yet another study on the subject. She asked both men and women to read six different versions of saucy vignettes so she could monitor the reactions. Five of the stories had a different sexy theme removed each time. As Hutson at Psychology Today‘s blog wrote:

“It turns out that force was the only element whose removal didn’t significantly reduce the vignette’s appeal, a finding that supports Hawley’s view that forceful submission fantasies are ‘generally construed as an ardent, passionate pursuit rather than force per se.’...For alpha females, apparently, submission is empowering.”

It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s not the legions of women who like to be tied up or who enjoy a swat on the ass are pain-loving masochists—no, aggressive partners make them feel like they’re being lusted after! Men would be wise to figure this out.

[xxoo]

BK, I don't turn him down often, and if I do, I am clear about the situational reason (kid expected home momentarily, for example). He knows it isn't the approach.

 

Still, variety is the spice of life, so mix it up! But elements of assertiveness can be inserted into many scenarios. Sometimes it is all in the eyes

 

aggressive partners make them feel like they’re being lusted after! Men would be wise to figure this out.

 

That's it, exactly.

[The Blue Knight]

I hear you. I'm fixated on approaching it that way perhaps tonight when she gets home. She's working late. Your reason is very logical. I'm the same way when kids are nearby or coming home soon.

 

BK, I don't turn him down often, and if I do, I am clear about the situational reason (kid expected home momentarily, for example). He knows it isn't the approach.

 

Still, variety is the spice of life, so mix it up! But elements of assertiveness can be inserted into many scenarios. Sometimes it is all in the eyes

 

 

 

That's it, exactly.

[StoneCold]

It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s not the legions of women who like to be tied up or who enjoy a swat on the ass are pain-loving masochists—no, aggressive partners make them feel like they’re being lusted after! Men would be wise to figure this out.

 

 

The problem with that is...If you are always the agressor (and many of us have no issues with being aggressive whatsover) at some point you may begin to question if your partner actually wants to have sex with you and is instead just "going with it"...not really wanting it....and thats a major buzz kill

[xxoo]

The problem with that is...If you are always the agressor (and many of us have no issues with being aggressive whatsover) at some point you may begin to question if your partner actually wants to have sex with you and is instead just "going with it"...not really wanting it....and thats a major buzz kill

 

If she is the kind of woman who is turned on by this approach, there should be no question that she wants it!

 

It would simply be boring for things to always follow a formula. But I want to "see" my lover in this light on the whole. It energizes sexual attraction, and spills over into other scenarios.

[Afishwithabike]

Our discussion led me to look on the internet a bit. Here's some info that sheds some light on what a couple of you already posted:

 

 

 

In perhaps the most fun assignment ever, Psychology Today‘s news editor, Matthew Hutson, has been blogging about why strong women fantasize about aggressive lovers. Mmm, do tell!

 

 

Way back in 1973, researcher and therapist E. Barbara Hinton interviewed women about their fantasies and—surprise, surprise—women said they fantasized being “forcefully taken.” She discovered women fantasize about aggressive lovers because it makes the women feel desirable, not because they like being physically hurt or rejected.

 

 

In recent years, University of Kansas psychologist Patricia Hawley has picked up where Hinton left off. In April, she published a paper in the Journal of Sex Research that studied how the genders respond to domination fantasies. Both men and women enjoyed fantasies in which they were dominant, but socially dominant women were actually more turned on than anyone else by submission fantasies.

 

 

This led Hawley to probe further. The rationale, her studies seem to indicate, is that ladies don’t enjoy the forcefulness itself as much as the idea that an overpowering passion is bubbling over behind that forcefulness. A socially dominant woman, in particular, was more likely to fantasize she was sexually irresistible and was turned on by the idea that her partner was so engorged with lust that he was going to burst.

 

 

But that’s not all—Hawley has performed yet another study on the subject. She asked both men and women to read six different versions of saucy vignettes so she could monitor the reactions. Five of the stories had a different sexy theme removed each time. As Hutson at Psychology Today‘s blog wrote:

“It turns out that force was the only element whose removal didn’t significantly reduce the vignette’s appeal, a finding that supports Hawley’s view that forceful submission fantasies are ‘generally construed as an ardent, passionate pursuit rather than force per se.’...For alpha females, apparently, submission is empowering.”

It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s not the legions of women who like to be tied up or who enjoy a swat on the ass are pain-loving masochists—no, aggressive partners make them feel like they’re being lusted after! Men would be wise to figure this out.

 

That data is interesting. If you've ever read any of the fiction books aimed at women like historical bodice rippers (highway men, dukes/lords, pirates, warriors), paranormal romance (vampires, men with supernatural powers) or even smutty contemporary fiction (special forces, police officers, top executives), you see a lot of alpha males and dominant sexual behavior although the sex doesn't fall into the realm of BDSM unless the book is about a d/s relationship.

[Quiet Storm]

Holding her arms down/pinning her

^^^ This.

[DarkPrince]

Very interesting thread. I myself have noticed that the more dominating I am in bed the more she loves it, and the better she treats me in general.

My wife has some wierd sexual fantasies. One is that she likes to watch me do other women while she watches, and we've done that twice so far and its been very erotic and she acted extremely turned on for weeks after each encounter.

Another fantasy she has which we have not done is a rape fantasy. She wants me to hide in the closet like a burglar, and come out and force her to do what I want. She wants to fight and make it real as possible. I like this idea alot too, but my only concern is getting into legal trouble. There is a good chance she will have bruises and I will have nail and bite marks on me. How do we explain that one away? If we do figure out how to do this we are going to use a safe word to make sure it doesnt go to far and she can stop it if it gets too uncomfortable.

[Linda9999]

Well the handcuffs I can provide if she wants them. Linda if you went so far as to write it all out and he's not going with the program, I'd guess he's a bit like me where the hangups are related to concepts surrounding "forced sex."

 

If you don't mind my asking what exactly are you hoping to get from your husband? In other words, how far are you wanting him to take it? What's too far? If this is too personal just ignore the question. I'm just trying to obtain some more female insights on the subject.

 

He for sure is like you. I wondered if he was writing your post when I started reading it

 

The nail was hit squarely on the head by whomever said it makes a woman feel lusted after for her man to be dominant and that's the whole attraction. When you know your husband loves you and would stop the millisecond you said no, it is a huge turn on for him to just TAKE you. Be forceful but don't force her, if that makes any sense. Grope her while she's changing. Tell her you are horny for her at random times. Join her in the shower and poke her. It's nice to know your man thinks about you that way when it isn't even on your mind. Rip off her panties instead of removing them slowly (of course the latter is nice sometimes too )

 

It's hard for me to say how far I want him to go because we haven't explored it yet. I wouldn't want him to be like that all the time, just sometimes. Too far would definitely be bringing out a whip - I don't want him to hurt me or leave marks or anything. Just be firm and let me know in no uncertain terms that he wants to **** me NOW.

 

My husband also insists we call it 'making love' all the time. Sometimes I don't want to 'make love' Sometimes I just want to ****.

[Rayne03]

BK, I'm curious.... does the idea of "dominating" your wife in this sense arouse you too?? Reason I'm asking is to see if you enjoy it as much as she may enjoy it. Many, many couples share this interest and more and to different degree's. It definitely sounds as though she enjoys it very much (obviously you have been able to tell by her response). Having said that, it is a shame that she has a hard time expressing her sexual needs and desires verbally, because it always leaves you wondering if there is more you can do, and you definitely love pleasing your wife. Because she is shy when it comes to expressing herself sexually, I wonder if it might be easier for her to write it down for you, or perhaps find an erotic story online that arouses her and shares it with you. Just a suggestion.

 

You ask about other woman's desires, and mine are definitely being dominated. To the point where I surrender all my power to my partner and this takes SO much trust and mutual desire. He is never cruel, it is done in a safe and loving way and what this does is create an incredibly close loving bond. But this does take a lot of communication of needs, wants, desires, fantasies and lays the foundation for much creative role play, amazing intimacy even when not "in the bedroom" and there is nothing wrong with anything a couple does as long as it's all consensual. Thus the high level of trust and communication. Oh, and I NEVER get tired of being "taken", being dominated and so forth!

 

You sounds like a very selfless man, she's very lucky to have you!

[mem11363]

Blue,

I am absolutely certain I would KNOW if my W really wanted me to stop. That has never actually happened.

 

 

mem, thanks for the feedback. Nice to see another guy who struggled with this. You guys have to remember. Not only was I raised to be a gentleman, I was raised to respect women. Add to that the fact that I've interviewed numerous criminal sexual assault victims and you can see why I'm a little freaked out about it. Truthfully, I can't even watch rape scenes in movies.

 

Don't know if any of you remember the first "Death Wish" from the early 70s but there's an opening scene where the housemaid is raped and I've never been able to watch that scene again since seeing it when I was a much younger.

 

I can be perfectly aggressive. I have no problem with that. I just feel like there has to be a "consensual" feeling that, okay let's make love. At the same time I understand what you guys are saying and it's helping me paint a picture of what I have to do. Your comment that the less "optional" it is for her, the more of a turn on it is for her really struck me. I can see that's where I have to go and I'm going to take her to that level.

 

Honestly, I've heard of women who like that but I guess I never really felt that there was an abundance of them out there. Besides, my ex was perfectly capable of being sexually assertive as we've discussed before and so I never had to think it those terms. But it makes sense seeing as my wife is somewhat passive about sex. Maybe that's what's been missing.

[Avihenda]

We are in a D/s relationship. I love him sexually dominating me. This can be as subtle or direct as you both wish it to be. I suggest looking up different positions that are naturally dominating. Doggie style is very dominant, for example. In fact any position that has her facing away from you is essentially dominant.

 

Our everyday "vanilla" dominance might include him pinning me to the bed or putting my legs up on his arms while he thrusts in to me. They aren't extreme or painful, they are simply take charge positions.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I do suggest perhaps adding those forementioned handcuffs but more than that - get a blindfold. It is VERY erotic to have your lover fondling you when you can't see him! Again, a simple non threatening dominant item.

 

Best wishes!

[torn_curtain]

I find BDSM a total turn off but some sexual dominance in a guy is hot.

 

If I'm really into a guy he can basically take me whenever (assuming I"m not super busy) and I'll be cool with it. My favorite thing is when I"m laying in bed sleeping or whatever and the guy holds me and then gently slips himself inside me without asking. SO HOT.