justplaintired Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Sunday the H and I went for a motorcycle ride with some of his family. We got in a tiff on the ride back home, and did not speak for the remainder of the ride. Well, when we got home, I overheard him on the phone with his dad telling him that even though their ride the day before was much shorter and they really didn't go anywhere, he enjoyed it a hell of a lot more cuz he didn't have to put up with "me and my s@^%"!!! I spent the remainder of the afternoon in our bedroom, not wanting him to see me squalling like a baby. He eventually came back there, and when I told him why I was so upset, he basically showed no regret for what he had said, nor the fact that I heard him. I told him that I have never talked negative about him to any of our friends or family, and was floored to hear him doing so to me. (Hence this post, I feel like I HAD to get this off my chest, an anonymous forum seemed like a good idea) Later I got the non-apology......I'm sorry you feel that way. WTH?! Where do people get off thinking this fixes anything? Anyone else been on the receiving end of a non-apology? Or have you been the giver of one? Link to post Share on other sites
keepsmilin74 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Badmouthing you to his friends and family is highly disrespectful. He needs to apologise and not do it again. BUT you also have to work on whatever it was that caused the "tiff" and "your s#it" in the first place. You didn't give much detail on that and it could be a bigger problem than him complaining to his father (asking dad for help?) about you. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 I'm also curious what the orginal argument was about. I feel like it must have been more than just a tiff (in his eyes at least) for him to describe it like that to his father. Unless, of course, he regularly talks about you that way and this was just the first time you happened to overhear? I would sit my husband down and have a SERIOUS talk with him if he ever spoke so disrespectfully about me to somebody else. That is a major problem, IMO. It just does a lot of damage to the marriage and seriously undermines the spouse and the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justplaintired Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 We had been browsing some shops and some of the group tossed around the idea of taking a tour of a nearby attraction. I told my H that I wasn't interested, given that several of us had been on said tour just a few months prior. My BIL overheard, and when the idea was re-propositioned, my BIL said he didn't want to go (just how he is). SO....we left, stopped at a gas station to make plans about where we were headed, and went from there. Upon leaving the gas station, H floors the motorcycle, passing everyone in our group (using the shoulder at one point!!!!), terrifying me. I didn't say anything, but later when BIL revved up his bike going down an open stretch of highway, I poked H in the side and said 'quit'. He made a gesture over his shoulder at me like 'blah, blah, blah', and the next time he had BIL's attention, he pointed at me and threw his hand up, as if to say 'I would, but I have HER with me'. I didn't have a whole lot to say after all that. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Ok, his reaction was totally uncalled for. Does he often over-react like this? It seems totally out of proportion when all you did was ask him to quit when he was driving dangerously! Link to post Share on other sites
Author justplaintired Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 He still feels like if I hadn't heard him, everything would be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 He still feels like if I hadn't heard him, everything would be fine. That is because this wasn't something new and wasn't the first or last time he will do it.. It is standard operating procedure for him and this was the first time you ever heard him. My advice.. if he is otherwise respectful then maybe this is just how he blows off steam. While what he did WAS disrespectful there are some things that some people just do.. upbringing or whatever. I guess how much you want to dig your heels in with this is how long the tension will continue between you 2... Maybe you can get him to see your way and promise not to dis you that way ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 He still feels like if I hadn't heard him, everything would be fine. So it isn't just a "non-apology", the problem is not his mouth, it's your EARS! Yes I get this a lot. My MIL was at my house one time and I heard her side of a conversation with my H where they were BOTH trashing me. (calling me a "miserable pain in the ass", among other things). After they hung up (not knowing I heard), my H calls me and acts like everything is rosy! When I told him what I had heard, he first denied that she'd said anything, then that it wasn't "that bad", and then that I was "mistreating" her by asking her to leave my house if she felt that way. Goes on and on. If I get angry, I have "anger issues". If he gets angry (and he does a LOT more than I do), he was "provoked" and "the Pope would get angry" in that case. If I'm late, it's intolerable (and I am usually on time, and rarely more than 2-3 minutes late). If he's late, it is because I did not tell him what time it was. Sigh. Your H needs to apologize and explain where this resentment and impatience is coming from. He needs to be mindful that he is talking to/about his wife, and not some a-hole stranger that ticked him off. You're supposed to be his haven, not his prison and vice versa. He is treating you like the classic ball and chain. If that's how he feels, there is something really wrong. I would call him on it, tell him you expect love and respect from a husband, and try to find out why you're not getting it. I can't admit I've had much success in my own M along these lines, but I'm working on it...! My H will talk to anyone handy about the most intimate issues and complain to anyone who will listen...it's gotten to the point that I don't even want to meet his co-workers, etc, because I don't know who he has mouthed off to about me. It's very awkward and yes, it DOES have a lingering impact, even after issues have been resolved by the couple...he talks to people who have never even met me, then when we argue he trots out that they all agree with his side. Wow, ya think? Pretty simple when you are only hearing one side, and from someone who is never to blame for anything! How long have you been together? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 You guys need to back up and deal with each issue separately: A. You got angry when he took off on the bike. B. He got angry when you told him to "quit". C. You got angry when he spoke that way to his dad. I understand A and C, but not B. Do you understand B? I'd start with B. Tell him that you can see he got upset when you told him to "quit". Ask him why it made him angry, and then listen. Then, tell him how you felt when he took off with you on the back of the bike. Will he listen? What is his response? If you begin by listening to him, and hopefully he will give you the same concern and respect. Then talk about A and C, and ask for suggestions he has on how the two of you can handle these situations better. Try to get on the same team with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Avery Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 He told you the truth. He is sorry that your feelings are hurt. He is not sorry for HIS feelings. He thinks that his feelings are justified, and that expressing his feelings to his father were justified. Those were HIS feelings. And to apologize for those things would be to somehow imply HIS feelings are WRONG. And he doesn't think they are. So he's not going to apologize for HIS feelings. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author justplaintired Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 LMAO luvstarved, the problem was def. my ears in this case!! We have been together for approx. 6 years, give or take. He finally said he was sorry for what he did, not just my reaction to what he did. Life goes on, I can't hold a grudge... Link to post Share on other sites
praxisdorian Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 My ex used to say, "I'm sorry that you made me act that way"... Really? Link to post Share on other sites
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