Coping Log of a Thief. :)

[Thieves]

Well, I guess it was only a matter of time. A coping journal, by your own LS Thief. I'm much better in my healing than I was when I first joined here, but of course I still have bad days like everyone else where crappy thoughts keep popping up during the worst times.

 

So I'm making a log for myself to post when I'm feeling down, or inspired. Mostly venting and music... All part of the healing process. Sigh.

[Thieves]

Which reminds me, why am I even up at 3 o' clock in the morning when I have to be at work in 6 hours? And it's raining. Off to a great start, I see...

[Thieves]

I just woke up, and I dreamed of 'you' last night. Or this morning. My mind's still rather fuzzy on the details, but still. All I can remember is an image of you online, saying you're heartbroken and lost, and then you leaving me a message about an apology, and... I don't know what else. The most significant thing I remember is waking up feeling angry. Angry because I thought I was past this stage - of dreaming about exes. Damn it.

 

Ever since I broke NC, I've decided not to check that e-mail address anymore (I've got other ones I use more anyway). And funny how the moment I decide I'm going to remove any messengers off my computer, I have a DREAM of you messaging me all heartbroken and apologizing. I don't know if it's a sign that I should check my e-mail or my messenger, but I'm not going to. All I'll end up with is the same disappointment.

[Bruised Not Broken]

A Log is a great idea....for yourself and for others. It's nice to know that we aren't the only ones having dreams...cursing...crying...plotting and scheming revenge I may try this myself...not sure...but hope this log brings you solace and peace of mind.

 

xox

[Thieves]

A Log is a great idea....for yourself and for others. It's nice to know that we aren't the only ones having dreams...cursing...crying...plotting and scheming revenge I may try this myself...not sure...but hope this log brings you solace and peace of mind.

 

xox

 

Thanks, B'N'B! I hope it does, too. And I personally think a log would be an excellent idea for you! I think you should try it. It really can help to know that you're putting your thoughts out there in the world, that some people are reading it and maybe relating to it. Plus, it also helps during those restless nights where you have a lot on your mind, don't have anyone to talk to, or don't know what to do with yourself. You don't have to stick to it.. if you end up not wanting to do it anymore, just stop. If you do like it, keep up with it.

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_XXismYUZs

 

 

I went down among the dust and pollen

to the old stone fountain in the morning after dawn

underneath were all these pennies

fallen from the hands of children

they were there and then were gone

 

And I wonder what became of them

what became of them

 

** Sunlight over me no matter what I do **

apples in the Summer all cold and sweet

everyday a passing complete

 

** I'm not one to ever pray for mercy **

or to wish on pennies in the fountain or the shrine

but that day you know I left my money

and I thought of you only

all that copper glowing fine

 

** And I wonder what became of you **

what became of you



Sunlight over me no matter what I do

apples in the summer all cold and sweet

everyday a passing complete

Apples in the summer all cold and sweet

everyday a passing complete...

 

-

 

** In the morning waking up to terrible sunlight **

All diffuse like skin abuse the sun is half its size

When you talk you hardly even look in my eyes

in the morning, in the morning

 

** In the doorway holding every letter that I wrote **

in the driveway pulling away putting on your coat

** in the ocean washing off my name from your throat **

in the morning, in the morning

 

In the ocean washing off my name from your throat

in the morning, in the morning

 

-

 

Green apples hang from my tree

they belong only to me

Green apples hang from my green apple tree

they belong only to, only to me

 

And if I just stay awhile here staring at the sea

and the waves break ever closer, ever near to me

I will lay down in the sand and let the ocean lead

** carry me to Innisfree like pollen on the breeze... **

[Thieves]

 

** Someday my pain, someday my pain

Will mark you **

Harness your blame, harness your blame

And walk through

 

With the wild wolves around you

In the morning, I'll call you

Send it farther on

 

** Solace my game, solace my game **

It stars you

Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane

And run me through

 

And the story's all over you

In the morning i'll call you

** Can't you find a clue

when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue? **

 

** What might have been lost - **

Don't bother me...

[Thieves]

I'm so, so close to giving up. I really am. I can't take this anymore - feeling so down and hopeless and solemn about you 99% of the time. You don't care, do you? And you're completely happy with her, aren't you? Not a single thought about me, as you don't need me anymore. God, how could I have been SO foolish for the past year, thinking you'd somehow 'come to your senses'? Thinking you'd somehow realize that we could be so great together. How could I have spent so much time thinking about you when it's likely you haven't even thought about me half as much? Why do I build up so much hope only for it all to be thrown away like some fantasy the moment I see my empty mailbox? I just keep asking myself, how did it end up like this? How did things change so much to where I can barely recognize what we're like now? How can you not feel the same intense desire and longing that I felt for so long? Did you know it, but ignore it too?

 

I mean, it's over. It's really, really over, isn't it? Really, truly done. God. But how can I truly believe that? How can I believe that the man who basically showed me how crazy I could go over someone, the man who showed me that there is someone out there who I can connect with so much, who brought out emotions in me that I didn't know were there, showed me how passionate I could be, we could be... how can I believe that all of that is no longer real? How can I just forget all of that even happened? And if not forget, then be tortured and forever sad about how things didn't turn out right? Because I just can't force myself to believe that there isn't something still there. The thought that there isn't, that I have to leave this - and you - behind for good is driving me crazy sometimes. I guess what hurts the most is thinking that I've become just another one of the 'girls' you were involved with. That I'll turn into nothing but a faint memory as time passes. It hurts.

 

It makes me want to curl up in bed for a long time and hide, sleep until the pain and the longing is all over. I keep thinking, was I really just a distraction to you? And maybe you weren't too mature at the time, but does that really have to mean that what we felt wasn't genuine? Am I writing all of this in vain? How can it hurt so much, knowing one person doesn't think the world of you when you clearly do of them?

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTZ9_J8im2o

 

 

Your voice is adrift

I can't expect it to sing to me

As if I was the only one



I'll follow you

The leaf that's following the sun

When will my weight be too much for you?

When will these ideas really be my own?

'Cause this moment keeps on moving

We were never meant to hold on



This was a scene worth waking up for

When I woke up

You planted me in my own box

Don't know why

But somehow it just feels so wrong

When you said I will be lonely

When you rise again I will have become the sun

And I will shine down upon you

As if you were the only one

 

Your voice is your own, I can't protect it

You'll have to sing

A verse no one has ever known



Don't be afraid

Cause no one ever sings alone

You weight will never be too much for me

Your ideas have always been your own

This moment keeps on moving

We were never meant to hold on

 

[Thieves]

It sunk in again today that we might never talk again. I finished reading a book of mine, got sentimental for a moment and decided to check my e-mail to see if you'd left anything. And surprise, surprise... you didn't. I felt this deep empty feeling in chest and got insanely sad for a couple of minutes. I had to take a few deep breaths because I couldn't believe you'd completely thrown me away, or forgotten me without a care. Or at least that's what it feels like. God, why do I keep doing this to myself? I need to just delete my messenger program from my laptop and never check that e-mail address again. Really. I'm in the processing of doing it right now actually, and am choking up. But it has to be done.

 

Why? Almost 8 months now, and still nothing from you.

 

Be strong, though. I need to remind myself, this is what I need. I really need this for it to sink in. Or else how will I truly move on? Or keep moving on. I've got to face the fact that, whether or not you're still with someone else, you must be happy with the way your life is without me... because you haven't reached out to me.

 

Alright, it's official. I deleted the messenger program from my computer. No more checking for something that won't be there 9 times out of 10.

 

I keep picturing you on the opposite end of all this, saying, "This isn't to hurt her, but it's no use. I don't have feelings for her anymore. I'm with ________, and it'd be pointless to stay in contact with her since we can't be friends. I can't be bothered about it." It stings and hurts, but it's just another thing that will help me really realize that this is over.

 

I've got to pick myself up. Not for him, but for me. Someday it's possible that he won't even really remember me. I'll be just a memory to him. But, maybe I'll be the same way with him. Only time will tell...

 

Joan of Arc, Joan of Arc.

 

It's kind of weird, but lately I keep telling myself that in my head whenever I'm going through a rough patch.

 

Be a woman of strength and ambition. You have to. You can't keep falling apart in an emotionally tough time like this. Be strong.

 

Alright, well, off to bed now. It's 4 A.M. and I have to be to work in about 5 hours. Argh. I feel slightly better from ranting, though. Now, just to get through the day and actually try to enjoy it.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Thieves

[Thieves]

It's 4:32 in the morning as I write this, and I'm tearing up. I'm supposed to be in bed right now, but I've been having some sudden thoughts that have kept me up. The past few posts I've written here have all had some sort of sad tone to them, and this one might too, but it's different. I've been thinking about this whole situation, and if only for a moment, the bitterness and the anger has slipped away from me now. While I'm still fresh in this moment, and while I was reflecting back on what happened between you and I, I realize that more than anything... I want to say thank you. I know I wasn't the most mature woman when I first met you - full of young hopes, and dreams, and passions that were all over the place - but the one thing I do regret is not telling you that you were really special to me.

 

Before I met you, I wasn't too keen on my own emotions. Or at least expressing them openly to others, because before then, I hadn't felt so strongly about anyone like I did with you. That, and I was usually shy around men. Like the gentleman that you were at the time, you were understanding for a while about that. But, as with everything else in life, all things eventually do come to an end. And so, you felt you could no longer wait around. I understand that now, and like I said, I'm not one for having a lot of regrets in life - but I do regret not letting you know how unbelievably crazy I was over you. For that, I'm sorry.

 

But even if I seemed ungrateful for all the wonderful attention you showed me, I want to let you know that the complete opposite was true. I want to thank you for showing me how to care, truly care for somebody. For showing me what it meant to adore someone, and showing me just how fast my heart could beat in a given minute. Thank you for being the person who let me, for once, bare my soul to somebody who would listen. Thank you for showing me that yes, I do have a gentle heart, and yes, I'm not so picky after all. Thank you for opening my heart, embracing it, and breaking through walls that I'd never let down with anyone else. Thank you for believing in me and giving me hope that I wasn't so bad of a woman, just in need of a bit more confidence. Thank you for loving me, for however long you did, and seeing something in me that was worth hanging on to. I take the mistakes I made back then as my own, and vice versa. But at the end of the day, we both have made our own choices in our own lives.

 

The truth is, you're a wonderful, caring man who deserves so much more than he was given earlier in his life. It's getting harder to hold a grudge against you as time goes on, and I know it would just be energy wasted if I tried to. I don't know if you're still with the girl you told me about a while ago, but if you are, I hope it goes well with her. I really do. I hope she's as wonderful as you described her, and I hope you find in her the love you never could hold on to with me. It hurts right now, with tears in my eyes and my throat choking up as I write all of this, yet it feels right. Like something I should be doing. And it's a different kind of hurt, too. The kind that's slightly hopeful that everything will be alright with both you and I, whether we're involved in each other's lives in the future or not.

 

I don't know if after I write this whether I'll still be angry or not. I don't know if I'll completely 'get over it', whatever that means. Truth is, there will probably still be some angry posts, and some sad posts. There's no way to tell when it comes to that since my moods can still change like the tides. But if anything, even if you never read this and never hear it from my mouth, even if I regret writing all of this the next day, you will always be someone special to me. You will always be my heart's 'first', as the first man who showed me just how much I could feel, how much I could care and love. Thanks for that, O. You'll always be with me, some way, somehow.

 

All my love,

Laura

[Thieves]

I wonder why it's so hard to lose something you were so close to having. Today's been alright. Just having some minor thoughts before bed...

 

Thinking back to when you were rubbing your new girlfriend in my face, way, way back. I wonder if that would ever change if we were to talk again, or if it'd keep happening. I know for sure that if it happened again, even once, that I'd be done talking with you. Not going through that irritating sh*t again. Believe me on that.

[Thieves]

The Shins* - "New Slang"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD7qIthSdkA

 

 

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.

Only, I don't know how they got out, dear.

Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met.

I was happier then with no mind-set.

 

And if you'd 'a took to me like

A gull takes to the wind.

Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree

And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

 

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.

Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,

Never should have called

But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

 

And if you'd 'a took to me like

A gull takes to the wind.

Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree

And I'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

 

Godspeed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,

And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

 

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.

Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?

And if you'd 'a took to me like

Well I'd 'a danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

[Thieves]

I dreamt of you last night. The details are foggy, don't know where we were, but I remember you kneeling down with a bunch of moving boxes in front of you. You were taking out some of your stuff, I think? I was standing behind you... doing something... and you finally turned around and smiled at me. Then you got up, opened your arms and gave me a pretty big hug. You probably said a few things, but I don't remember what. I do remember just staying there for a little while in your arms, and my head was resting comfortably against your chest. You were wearing that gray plaid shirt you wore in that one picture I saw. I seemed to be happy. That's all I know, and then I woke up.

 

And surprisingly, I didn't wake up with an empty feeling in my chest or loads of painful thoughts. It was sort of weird, though, that this dream came so randomly. I guess it doesn't mean much, really. Maybe it's just another meaningless dream.

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMQbzLrvwlE

 

Good times for a change

See, the luck I've had

Can make a good man

Turn bad

 

So please please please

Let me, let me, let me

Let me get what I want

This time

 

 

Haven't had a dream in a long time

See, the life I've had

Can make a good man bad

 

 

So for once in my life

Let me get what I want

Lord knows, it would be the first time

Lord knows, it would be the first time

Edited October 6, 2011 by Thieves

[LelouchIsZero]

The Smiths

 

I think your music taste is wonderful, and it seems that you're doing really well in your healing process. Your letter was also really nice & I honestly wished my ex's thoughts were fond of me like that. I'll admit that I may have became a bit emotional while reading it .

 

I'd like to tell you that "things will get better", but doing so would seem a bit cheesy to me & I'm sure you're already aware of how things will turn out. Realise that change is inevitable though, so one would assume that you'll eventually "Get what you want" -- even if its only briefly.

 

I really do hope you begin to feel better, as you seem like a lovely young lady (I have no idea how old you are), but take heart & you'll get where you want to be, eventually.

 

Lelouch

[Thieves]

The Smiths

 

I think your music taste is wonderful, and it seems that you're doing really well in your healing process. Your letter was also really nice & I honestly wished my ex's thoughts were fond of me like that. I'll admit that I may have became a bit emotional while reading it .

 

I'd like to tell you that "things will get better", but doing so would seem a bit cheesy to me & I'm sure you're already aware of how things will turn out. Realise that change is inevitable though, so one would assume that you'll eventually "Get what you want" -- even if its only briefly.

 

I really do hope you begin to feel better, as you seem like a lovely young lady (I have no idea how old you are), but take heart & you'll get where you want to be, eventually.

 

Lelouch

 

Yes! Aren't The Smiths amazing? And what do ya know, completely perfect for going through heartbreak, haha. Music has literally saved me during NC, it's amazing. And well, if you like The Smiths then I think it's safe to say your music taste is most likely fantastic as well.

 

Apologies for making you a little emotional with my letter! I had a lot going on in my head that night, but it helped to finally get it out. Feelings just kept building up, so I'm glad I wrote it.

 

It's not cheesy either to tell me it'll get better. It actually does make me feel better to hear it from you, because now I know I'm not just deluding myself, haha.

 

Thanks though, Lelouch, I really appreciate you telling me all of that. I guess when it comes down to it, I just have to be patient...

 

- Laura x.

[antz2411]

how are you tonight?

[Thieves]

how are you tonight?

 

I'm alright, Antz, thanks for asking. I haven't been to sleep in almost 24 hours though, so I think I should work on that now...

[Thieves]

Today was a good day. I laughed a lot - something I've been doing a bunch for the past month. It's nice to be able to laugh and have it not feel 'wrong'. Like the good feeling won't last long, which is the worst feeling. I didn't think about him much at all today either, though it's been like this for a little while.

 

They're only small thoughts that I can't even recall right now. It's funny, though, because I've noticed that when I do think of him... it's almost as from a distance. And it's usually about how I haven't thought about him all day with that damn unbearable, empty pain in my chest.

 

I really feel I've been climbing up an endless ladder ever since I went NC 8 months ago, and I'm finally approaching those steps that will start to lead me to the top. Almost like I'm on the brink of something better than I know now, and I can feel it.. just not quite there yet.

[LelouchIsZero]

Yes! Aren't The Smiths amazing? And what do ya know, completely perfect for going through heartbreak, haha. Music has literally saved me during NC, it's amazing. And well, if you like The Smiths then I think it's safe to say your music taste is most likely fantastic as well.

 

Apologies for making you a little emotional with my letter! I had a lot going on in my head that night, but it helped to finally get it out. Feelings just kept building up, so I'm glad I wrote it.

 

It's not cheesy either to tell me it'll get better. It actually does make me feel better to hear it from you, because now I know I'm not just deluding myself, haha.

 

Thanks though, Lelouch, I really appreciate you telling me all of that. I guess when it comes down to it, I just have to be patient...

 

- Laura x.

 

They are indeed. I really do enjoy relating myself to the lyrics in their songs, I think I'd even have "Asleep" played at my funeral, though I guess it is a bit peculiar that I've been thinking about that -- oh well .

 

In regards to your letter, I'm just an emotional guy . I haven't read your story, but I think I'm going to as it'd be a nice thing to do.

 

I'm glad it made you feel better, even if it was only temporary. Perhaps I should consider writing a letter like yours, though I don't think I have much to say anymore.

 

Not sure if you'll like this band, but I've been listening to them a lot recently as I really like the lyrics. You've most likely already heard of them, but anyway:

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiCc_mFXD3E

(The lyrics are in the videos description)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyZoOSrldR4

(The person who edited the video got a part of the song wrong, where it says "this is my one lucky price" its suppose to be prize, not "price")

 

Note - I have no idea why I said "lovely young lady" in my previous post, as I'm only 18, you're probably older then me & I've never said that before -- in my life.

Edited October 9, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[Thieves]

They are indeed. I really do enjoy relating myself to the lyrics in their songs, I think I'd even have "Asleep" played at my funeral, though I guess it is a bit peculiar that I've been thinking about that -- oh well .

 

In regards to your letter, I'm just an emotional guy . I haven't read your story, but I think I'm going to as it'd be a nice thing to do.

 

I'm glad it made you feel better, even if it was only temporary. Perhaps I should consider writing a letter like yours, though I don't think I have much to say anymore.

 

Not sure if you'll like this band, but I've been listening to them a lot recently as I really like the lyrics. You've most likely already heard of them, but anyway:

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiCc_mFXD3E

(The lyrics are in the videos description)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyZoOSrldR4

(The person who edited the video got a part of the song wrong, where it says "this is my one lucky price" its suppose to be ,prize, not "price")

 

Note - I have no idea why I said "lovely young lady" in my previous post, as I'm only 18, you're probably older then me & I've never said that before -- in my life.

 

First of all, of course I like Joy Division! It's weird, because I was just thinking of getting a "Love Will Tear Us Apart" t-shirt. Loved the rest of the songs you posted!

 

It's crazy how lyrics can explain what I'm feeling so much better than I can. And well, I don't know about my funeral, but I do know I'll have "Ceremony" by New Order played at my wedding!

(

)

 

Nothing bad about being an emotional guy. But you know, I haven't actually taken the time to write my full story. Guess I was too broken up over it back then to do it. Maybe I will soon, but it's nothing fascinating, I promise. Haha.

 

Even if you think you won't have much to say in a letter to your ex, you never know. You could surprise yourself.

 

And I am a bit older than you! Only by 2 years. But even if you don't usually call girls 'lovely young ladies', glad I could be a first. And it was still very nice of you, so it's no problem.

[antz2411]

I'm alright, Antz, thanks for asking. I haven't been to sleep in almost 24 hours though, so I think I should work on that now...

 

tylenol pm's!!!

[antz2411]

Go out and get some dick you pathetic loser.

 

haha this dood has nothing better to do but put people down wtf...

 

wait are you a female or a boy? i cant tell by your default picture

[Thieves]

haha this dood has nothing better to do but put people down wtf...

 

wait are you a female or a boy? i cant tell by your default picture

 

Llllovely. My first chance to use the Ignore feature! Nothing like the smell of troll at 5 am to awaken the senses. Figures they both joined LS today and posted round the same time. Have an idea who it is. No worries, Antz. I've had my coffee, so I'm good.