Coping Log of a Thief. :)

[Thieves]

I fell asleep with the tv on last night, lovely energy-effecient darling that I am (have got to learn to stop doing that), and ended up waking up this morning to an interesting movie called "Timer". The movie proposed a certain question that I'm sure has been posed before for several years by millions of people: What if you were able to know the exact moment that you were going meet your "soulmate"?

 

The movie was more of a sci-fi/love story than a typical run-of-the-mill romance, which was what made it interesting enough for me (subtle meaning: even as a woman, I can count on one hand the number of romance movies I actually like). The characters in the film live in a world where people are able to get a "timer" (which looks similar to a wrist watch) surgically implanted in their wrists, after which it immediately starts counting down the time until it strikes zero -- or "zeroes out" -- revealing the moment that they will meet their "match". Or in other words, the person that they will most likely spend the rest of their life with.

 

The thing is, for the concept of the "timer" to work properly, both you and your "match" -- wherever they happen to be in the world -- have to have it installed. So eventually in the story, the main character (named Oona) meets and falls for a man who doesn't have a real timer installed on his wrist. She finds this out, and knowing that this man might not be the right person for her, she still chooses to fall for him all the while not knowing if she even loves him. She becomes torn between him and the other actual person she feels she's supposed to meet because of her "timer".

 

It sounds odd at first, and the plot was a bit offbeat (as you can see), but it was intriguing. I stayed up for the next two hours to finish watching it, and I honestly felt kind of empty at the end. Not because of the ending itself, but because it made me wonder what things would be like if something like that ever could really happen. It made me think of how much easier, supposedly, that such a "timer" -- if they ever existed -- would make things when it comes to love. Or finding it. But I know that's simply wishful thinking, because as the movie said, there would be another handful of problems to come right along with that type of invention...

[Thieves]

It also makes me wonder if the people you meet and get with before you meet "the" right person (if they actually exist) are just "fillers". If what you shared was even real, I mean, not that each person doesn't have worth in their own right. Ugh. "Filler" sounds wrong, and juvenile. And yes, I know that you learn something from every person... since that's inevitable, as we're always learning no matter who we become invovled with in our lives. But it's also surprisingly hard not to see it as a waste of time, in a way, though I hate thinking of it that way and I try my hardest not to. I don't mean "wasteful" in a negative way, necessarily, but... it's hard to explain.

 

A "waste" as in, what happens to all of that wonderful energy that you place into another person while you try with all your heart to love them? To have such a beautiful energy, a beautiful thing and watch it end, only to fade into something you can barely remember... and then to have to let those memories go as well. It kind of makes you want to hold on to it, hold on to something. Like a memoir, souvenir, token... it's all pretty much the same, isn't it?

 

Otherwise how can a person keep themselves sane if a part of their life that they thrived so much in and enjoyed is suddenly plagued with pain, and will eventually be cast aside like it never happened? Wouldn't you then "lose" a part of yourself in that process?

 

"Maybe, maybe not." Wonder who said those same words, once upon a time.

 

But that's the part I have trouble with. And so by holding on to it too, by holding on to the memories, how can you ever fully let another beautiful thing like that -- like the love you shared or tried to give -- come into your life and actually grow without being compared to the other, and therefore almost diminishing the quality of something that could have great potential?

 

"Holding on to an older love to light the way for new love,

but the light of old love outshines the young spark of new love."

 

I'm rambling like a fool now, but I don't care anymore. I've become so restless lately and I've been sleeping, yet I haven't been sleeping, and my mind feels as if it's running on empty and is simultaneously 100% awake. Too awake. And now I'm drinking way too much coffee and it's almost 3 am, and I'm going on some spiel about some unrealistic yet interesting idea about movies and love with "timers", and...

 

Wow.

 

So I think that may be my cue now.

 

I suppose it's a very good thing that I have my own 'thread' to ramble in, or else I'm 99% certain that I might lose my sanity in these late hours of the morn'.

 

Alright. Better stop drinking coffee now.

 

Have to be to work in five hours.

[neghitzbrah]

I remember reading about that movie "Timer" in someone else's thread. They came up with a similar approach to it. But it's still a movie. I watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." It made me feel good a little bit (and also Scarlet Johanson is hot). But it's just a movie. That temporary feeling you get at the end of it, the one that makes you feel good... that's what the director's get paid for.

 

In reality, anything can happen at any time. You can meet your true love tomorrow. The person whom you have an okay time with can be your true love... and one day you might realize it. It can happen.

 

Other than that, stop drinking coffee! I think it's messing with your sleep schedule.

[dicky_fish]

Thieves, I've been silently following this coping log of yours, and if I see a post from you in another thread I tend to read them because you have such a fantastic way with words that I'm actually starting to get a little jealous of. Almost everything you post in this log just sums up how I'd like to express myself about my feelings. I kinda feel like I've got a kindred spirit in what you say and how you say it.

 

If you do look like Zooey Deschanel then I'd have a serious urge to fly out to wherever you are that isn't Virginia and ask you out on a date

[Thieves]

Thieves, I've been silently following this coping log of yours, and if I see a post from you in another thread I tend to read them because you have such a fantastic way with words that I'm actually starting to get a little jealous of. Almost everything you post in this log just sums up how I'd like to express myself about my feelings. I kinda feel like I've got a kindred spirit in what you say and how you say it.

 

If you do look like Zooey Deschanel then I'd have a serious urge to fly out to wherever you are that isn't Virginia and ask you out on a date

 

Dicky fish, first off, thanks for liking some of my writing. I'm always pretty much surprised by comments like that, but they're nice to hear, and it means a lot considering I'd like to make a career out of it someday. What's funny is that I often think I'm not able to describe what I'm feeling well enough, almost to the point where I think I'm only writing some type of gibberish and it's hopeless. But I'm glad to hear you can relate to some of the things I've said, so maybe I shouldn't feel so hopeless after all.

 

Haha, and can't say whether I'm a Zooey Deschanel replica, but I agree that she's a very pretty woman indeed.

 

I remember reading about that movie "Timer" in someone else's thread. They came up with a similar approach to it. But it's still a movie. I watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." It made me feel good a little bit (and also Scarlet Johanson is hot). But it's just a movie. That temporary feeling you get at the end of it, the one that makes you feel good... that's what the director's get paid for.

 

In reality, anything can happen at any time. You can meet your true love tomorrow. The person whom you have an okay time with can be your true love... and one day you might realize it. It can happen.

 

Other than that, stop drinking coffee! I think it's messing with your sleep schedule.

 

Hey, Neghitz. Yeah, it's possible I need to cut down on the coffee, even if I am drinking some right now. And I mean, I know it was just a movie... but to be honest, things like that can affect me sometimes. Not always in a bad way, but I tend to look to songs and films and other things that have some sort of message to them -- something that makes me think about what I'm going through at the moment. And that movie was one of them. But I know at the end of the day, it's just a movie and not completely reality. Though sometimes I wish it was...

[neghitzbrah]

Hey, Neghitz. Yeah, it's possible I need to cut down on the coffee, even if I am drinking some right now. And I mean, I know it was just a movie... but to be honest, things like that can affect me sometimes. Not always in a bad way, but I tend to look to songs and films and other things that have some sort of message to them -- something that makes me think about what I'm going through at the moment. And that movie was one of them. But I know at the end of the day, it's just a movie and not completely reality. Though sometimes I wish it was...

 

I know exactly how that is. I've been listening to Drake and his new album that came out recently. It's a low tempo beat that really gets to my when I listen to it. It's very relaxing, but I feel that it's affecting my general mood. You see... Drake raps about lonely times and stuff because he probably lost someone important recently. It's great to relate to, but I think I'm overdoing it

 

Same goes for movies. They do have that huge profound effect on you. When I saw He's Just Not That Into You, I felt great because it made it seem like true love will happen soon. Then it didn't... then I got depressed for a few days lol. I like movies like that though.. but sometimes it's nice to stay off the shows/movies about love and find interest in other things. It gets my mind off my ex.

 

Hope all is well

[Thieves]

Today, or yesterday, was an alright day. Really, it's always the mornings that seem to get you.

 

I just felt like lying in and thinking, which I try not to do because my thoughts have a habit of going to places they shouldn't. But of course, the longer I was lying there, the more vulnerable my mind became. I would think and think and think, and even laugh at myself a little for how lame I was back then when I was still crazy over 'him'. And then I would feel uneasy when I knew that the laughter was just a way of covering up the stinging discomfort that was slowly making its way in my chest. I stopped myself short, though, and once again pushed the thoughts away until I could ignore them.

 

It's odd. Sometimes I feel like I'm teasing myself, or rather, testing myself. Almost like playing with fire. It feels harmless at first, but then you get too close one day and find out that the flame was hotter than you thought, that you're not as healed as you believed you were.

 

But for now, I suppose I'm okay with being neutral, or with this 'standstill' state of being. In a way, it's one hundred times better than lying there and curling up in emotional pain.

 

I was driving home the other evening, and as I drove it eventually occurred to me that without even realizing it I was singing to a song I didn't know -- or thought I didn't know -- probably due to the fact that I was coming straight from work and was extremely tired. The music was on pretty low volume, though I noticed it sounded very familiar. Come to find out, as I turned it up, that the song was "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. Figures. I turned the volume up all the way until it drowned out the sound of traffic and continued on my journey home, taking my time to enjoy the song.

 

It's become ever clearer to me that, as prone as I am to doing so, I can't define myself through another person's eyes without also losing an important piece of myself -- essentially, not without losing the essence of what even attracted 'his' interest in the first place. With 'him', my ex, though I'd like to say that I was totally confident and stood by who I was the entire time, I can't. Not without lying to myself somewhere in the midst of it all. I realize that I was guilty of allowing what he thought of me to take greater importance over what made me happy at times. Guilty of wanting to see myself through his and only his eyes, not bothering to think of how destructive that could be. I was infatuated, self-conscious, and reckless about how far I was willing to go to satisfy his emotional needs, and I can say with a strong but regretful confidence that it inevitably became the one weakness that drove him away.

 

I know I should've been stronger, and I shouldn't have let a large part of who I was become suppressed, which I did because I thought it would make things "better" for him () -- or easier, since I knew things were slowly going downhill. But, as it's all too vivid to me now, once the trouble's been spotted, it's like pushing back that first domino in the pile. So much so, that attempting to stop something like that from going "downhill" is akin to trying to stop an avalanche, a landslide, or a tornado from happening. Naive. Useless. Once it's started, it's started... and maybe sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, and for the person you love, is to just get out of the way. Even if doing so ends up driving you apart, and carrying you off onto separate paths.

[Thieves]

 

Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone at home?

Come on, now,

I hear you're feeling down

Well I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again

Relax,

I need some information first

Just the basic facts

Can you show me where it hurts?

 

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship, smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

 

I have become comfortably numb...

 

O. K.,

Just a little pin prick

There'll be no more (AHHH!)

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on, it's time to go

 

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship, smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown,

The dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb.

[Thieves]

It's almost six in the evening after a semi-stressful day at work. Thank goodness I'm off tomorrow, or something tells me I'd have a 99.9% chance of losing my mind within the next hour or two.

 

I'm eating chocolate-covered strawberries, cooking myself chicken alla "vodka" and farfalle, listening to my newly bought Simon & Garfunkel cd (re-bought it after not being able to find my old one)... and deciding whether to go to the concert that the guy at work asked me to, which is tomorrow evening. Trying to see at the moment if there would be more pros than consequences, though I'm thinking there'd be more of the former if I actually felt like going.

 

I don't know. I'm sure everyone can relate to just wanting to get home after a tiring day and do not much of anything for at least a little while. To just relax. And well, I'm honestly feeling that way right now -- a little lazy, because as said, tomorrow's supposed to be my day off, I treasure those spare peaceful days like nothing else, and... I haven't even bought my tickets yet. Yet I confirmed that I'd go, and I don't want to just completely blow the guy off. Obviously there's not much time to re-schedule for something else either. I know I should kind of cherish the fact that here is an opportunity to "get myself out there" again, or at least make the first steps in doing that, but... really, "cherishing" is the last thing I have in mind now.

 

Damn it.

 

I guess I'll most likely end up going then. Just because I know I'd nag myself to death, or otherwise feel bad about what I "could've" missed out on. And lord knows I hate being left to wonder.

[neghitzbrah]

People come and go in your life. You date people, and whether it moves forward or not, just go with the flow. Don't stop yourself because you're scared. So don't be scared. Live life.

 

It sounds like you are stopping yourself from moving on, Thieves. It's been so long since you guys broke up. You're days are starting to sound mellow, like nothing much is going on in your life. You named that post neutral because everything has been neutral for you.

 

Throw a curve ball, girl. Go to the concert and go with the flow.

 

Live life, one day at a time. Have fun!

[Thieves]

Well, I finally took some people's advice. I went!

 

When he called me in the afternoon to confirm if I was still going, I was honest with him and told him I didn't have my tickets yet. I felt embarrassed, like he might be thinking I was going to blow him off without saying anything at all. But he was surprisingly cool about it and said that since I didn't have time to buy them at the last minute online, I could try and get them at the show before it started. I agreed to it, and he set a time to pick me up. We ended up getting there a little early, and I managed to get my tickets. We talked for a while as the placed filled up a bit more. His name is Daniel, he's originally from South Carolina, and he recently moved here about two years ago and almost immediately starting working at the place we met. We had a few things in common (especially in music), like I thought we would, and it turns out he's a pretty funny guy (which was interesting -- I always see him so serious at work).

 

Honestly, I was expecting to not really be "into" it most of the time, but to my surprise I was pretty excited when the first band finally started.. and you know what? It was actually good! It turned out to be pretty packed, and there were a few bands there that I'd never heard of before, but all of them were a lot better than I thought they'd be! The last time I went to a concert was three months ago in September, to see Incubus (who were amazing). But God, even in three months, I almost forgot how much I ****ing love concerts. I just love being in that kind of atmosphere... And guess what? I didn't think of 'him' nearly the whole time either, only when a few certain songs came on, and being there, I couldn't just 'turn it off' and ignore it like I usually do. But they ended evenutally and my mind was back on the fact that I was actually there, having a good time and not worrying about screwing things up for once. After the concert, we went back to my place to have a quick bite to eat (we were starving, it was late and almost everything else was closed), and afterwards hung around for a little while to talk some more...

 

The only "semi-bad" part of it all was that he did try to kiss me before he went home, which I felt coming. :/ It wasn't horrible or anything, but when he did, I didn't really feel anything... there wasn't really that "spark", you know? I don't know what to think at this point, but that's what I'm feeling. He asked me what was wrong, as I guess he felt something was off (which he was right)... I told him mostly what I was thinking, that I enjoyed hanging out with him, but I don't want to mess up things at work if we were to get involved with each other (had another bad experience of getting involved with a co-worker before). He was straight-forward and asked me if it was because of the 'guy' (my ex) I told him a little about earlier, which was kind of embarrassing, but I said that was part of it (and felt like an idiot). Which is true. He looked a little disappointed, and I felt bad (like an idiot again), but he said he understood. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and that we'll see each other later on at work. I just hope it won't be awkward when we do.

 

At this point, I can really only see us as being friends. He seems like a really cool guy and we got along great, had a little bit of chemistry... but it isn't the kind you imagine a romantic relationship to start off with. More like when you meet someone and you know you've met a person who could become one of your really good friends? I'm not saying that can't change, but the last thing I want to do is drag someone along for something I'm not into. I know what that feels like (Newsflash: for all those who don't know, it pretty much feels like ****)...

 

Maybe I'm being too quick to judge. I know I've been turning down opportunities to get to know other people just because I honestly didn't want to start moving on yet. The user Lemon Drop recently said something in another thread I read that was pretty true.

 

No, go ahead and try. It's like they say "fake it till you make it".

 

They're kind of right. When things ended with 'him', for weeks I would sulk around wondering when he was going to contact me, when he was going to come back. In a way, I'm still used to being in that routine. I just started throwing myself into work as soon as I could (which I still do ) and turned down anything else that would force me to put my ex in the past. With this guy, I don't know, I decided to try it because I felt like it could maybe actually go somewhere. And he wasn't totally unknown, so there was the 'familiar' factor. Like I said, I had a good time, and even if this one didn't go as planned, at least I can say I did go...

Edited December 3, 2011 by Thieves

[OnyxSnowfall]

Thieves --- good for you for going and I'm glad you enjoyed it (for the most part) =) =) =)

 

It's another step...

[Buttercup84]

I have a girl crush on you haha ! I love your writing and it cheers me up x

[Thieves]

I have a girl crush on you haha ! I love your writing and it cheers me up x

 

D'aww. Thank you! I just realized, as well, that I haven't written in my journal in quite a while! I suppose I decided to take a mini-break after the craziness of the holidays lately...

 

Which reminds me, I'll have to post a much overdue update again soon -- been working like a maniac!

[neghitzbrah]

Hey theives!

 

How ya been? I haven't been on these forums in a while. Just stopping by to check up on people. I'm sure everything is going well for you, keeping yourself busy. That's always for the best.

 

Take care!

[Thieves]

The perspective part will be obvious throughout my post. The yearning part? Well, it's not actually the traditional definition of what I'm thinking. It's actually a simpler kind of yearning.

 

In retrospect, I know I yearn (whenever I do) partly for the past because the person that practically allowed me to shed light on parts of myself -- allowed me to uncover lessons I would otherwise have not learned -- is lost. Not necessarily lost either. Simply gone. To recognize the strange fact that this person who was once dear to me is no longer a tangible aspect in my life, not even a friend I can talk to, but rather a tombstone of a memory only to look back on... somehow that sitrs up a subtle sadness that may not ever fully go away. It truly is strange. Almost like starting a painting with so much potential and with so much time put forth into it, and then being left at a sudden by the artist. No longer here or with a care to see how the utlimate result turns out, or how it actually came to be. No longer here to be aware of it, of helping to create a part of the bigger whole. And so for that, I feel as if it's natural -- when I do look back on all of what happened -- to feel somewhat uneasy. Yet I suppose that's part of the entire process, part of the unlit side of remembrance: by keeping the memory locked in a "silver cage" within your mind, you're certainly guaranteed to hold on to what was good, what was treasured in its youth, but you also become aware once again to the painful events which allowed the memory to become exactly how it is.

 

In other words: I'm almost certain that the yearning I sometimes feel is not for 'you' anymore, but for something we had. It's been a long time, a very long time, since we've spoken. As somebody recently said, "silence often speaks louder than words", and I believe we've both silently proven that very thing to ourselves and to each other. Therefore, in a way, as much as I wished at times for the opposite, what is happening now was meant to happen: moving on. And with that notion, I've somehow managed to internalize it and actually make my own progress, something that now comes naturally with barely a thought of you interrupting. But in regards to yearning, I think it may be more the fact that I have had time to think, and I'm willing to concede that, no, your heart was not always in a dark place when you said or did certain things. I'm also willing to acknowledge that there were things you did say where your intentions were, obviously at times, out of place. Not only out of place, but most importantly, hurtful. Hurtful from a very large distance now, as it fails to paralyse me the way it did before, but I can remember feeling that pain very closely and I honestly wouldn't care to live it again. Ever, if I can help it. Then again, who would if they had the chance? I do wonder if there's anyone out there that would say, "I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat", and not just for the moments that stick out in their mind as the best glistening times of their life with that person. But to go back and do it again, both the good and the bad, with the outcome not considered...

[Thieves]

Now I'm at the point where I almost wish that I hadn't been so passionate about the way I did certain things, though I feel lame thinking that now. I really am proud of myself for getting where I am now, no doubt, and I wouldn't take my progress back for the world. It's just that I wish that the perspective I'm getting from all of this came earlier to where I could've prevented the void that has been created between us. Because now that the void (or in other words, the huge silence) has grown wider, has had so much time to soak in all of the realities and little trials that we're doubtlessly going through in our own lives, I wonder if it's even possible to go back to a semblance of friendship with you. And after all, it's all easy and well for me to sit here and think of friendship when, for good reason, I wanted the exact opposite just a few mere months ago.

 

I'm also still not sure whether I'd be able to fully handle something like that without any leftover external feelings getting in the way, or if I'd be able to handle knowing firsthand how well and satisfied someone is with someone else, especially when that "someone" is a person who you were so close to. They were someone you saw being in your life for a long time, and in a twist of things, it turned out to be a "war" of bitter feelings and fighting for scraps of your dignity back. How would you (or anyone) take it now, knowing that just a long while ago, you were in the depths of turmoil yourselves? A depth and turmoil that you couldn't really climb out of without the help of months, and several long nights of analyzing what went wrong. The ego is easily shattered, easily bruised, and most difficult to fix. Even moreso for the heart, and I struggle even now to think of which one is more troublesome to piece back together...

 

It's kind of funny, because just going by this post, I just realized it would seem that I'm sort of down, and in bad spot... when honestly, I'm not. I guess I may be just making up for my lack of posting lately. My holidays ended up turning out wonderful, and I've been hanging on the best I can and enjoying my life as it comes with the help of some very good friends. Before now, I haven't been "thinking" as much as I used to, which is actually a good thing for me once in a while. It's just that yesterday, my mind wandered onto thinking about 'him', since I hadn't in a while, and it was the first time that I found myself thinking about "friendship" with him without that distinctive bitter taste in my mouth. It made me think, slightly in vain I admit, if it'd ever be possible to someday have that with him, like I've read about with some ex-couples on here.

 

I know that it will have to take time, but exactly how much? Or is it just something that a person falls into after a point of living their own life? I don't know what to think. Hell, I don't know if he'd even care. What's more, I don't know if it'll ever actually happen either, or if I actually want it (do I?) -- which does make me a bit sad. It's not the sadness I used to be familiar with, but... disappointment. That nothing better than an abrupt ending came of what happened, and that this actually has to be the way that I remember 'him'.

 

But, I suppose that's just how it has to go sometimes?

[Dust]

I'd like to steal you Thieves.

 

I've felt the type of pain that will drive a person completely dangerously insane. I've been completly mad now for a number of years and its through that I've learned all that I know. In a world gone insane a mad man is king. There's lots of beauty in you Thieves, you've experienced pain now focus on delights. Unless of course pain is your pleausure... Then again you seem to be having fun. You said yourself the post sounds sad but you're doing good... something like that