Coping Log of a Thief. :)

[LelouchIsZero]

First of all, of course I like Joy Division! It's weird, because I was just thinking of getting a "Love Will Tear Us Apart" t-shirt. Loved the rest of the songs you posted!

Oh really? I've been saving up so that I can order a Joy division band t-shirt, along with one for The Smiths & The horrors too. If you've heard of The Horrors, then that'll really make me laugh. I'm going to assume that you haven't though, so here you go:

 

 

They're a bit different to the previous bands that we've been talking about, but I really do enjoy them as they're very reminiscent of Krautrock. Also, sorry for spamming you with songs, you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to .

It's crazy how lyrics can explain what I'm feeling so much better than I can. And well, I don't know about my funeral, but I do know I'll have "Ceremony" by New Order played at my wedding!

(

)

 

Oh? I assume you prefer the New Order's version over Joy Divisions?

I just listened to the difference between them then & I think that I too prefer the New Orders version, though I feel bad saying that .

 

Nothing bad about being an emotional guy. But you know, I haven't actually taken the time to write my full story. Guess I was too broken up over it back then to do it. Maybe I will soon, but it's nothing fascinating, I promise. Haha.

I guess, though I'm a bit too girly at times & my OCD really doesn't help that cause. I saw that you didn't have one & I have to say that I'm deeply disappoint in you .

 

But anyway, I'll stop pestering you. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

Lelouch

Edited October 10, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[Thieves]

Why is it that when I'm actually doing good, something else has to come up that challenges all of that? Seriously, is there some ancient Greek god out there who only exists to set people back after they break up with someone?

 

I guess it's not all that bad, just that I found out through mutual friends that you may be going to the same music festival I was planning on going to soon. I say 'was' because now I don't even feel like going anymore. Which is amazing that I even still give you the power to make me feel that way. I know I shouldn't let some distant lad chase me out of enjoying a good festival, good drinks, and good music - but damn it, would it sound stupid to just say I really don't feel like putting in the effort to go now?

 

I promised a few people that I'd go since I've been wanting to for a long time... but I've also made a lot of progress with myself these past two months. I finally got you out of my God-forsaken head for more than 24 hours, and now I have to face having you invade my headspace all over again. And I possibly have to be there all weekend, seeing you with the girl you joked about wanting to "marry"? Really?

 

I'm considering the fact that I could go and just not speak to you, of course. But knowing you, you'd find a way to ruin that. And I'm sick of any drama you swear you don't cause, but in reality you actually do, and I honestly can't stand that. So it might not even be worth it. You might not even be there, but again, I doubt it. I don't know. All I know is that right now, I'm not feeling up to it - at all.

Edited October 10, 2011 by Thieves

[shiesseSmople]

I like this forum because of posts like thisvery much appreciated in particular with what i am wanting to accomplish. Does any one have any further reading? Where's the best place to start out here on this website? http://giftboxes1010.blog.com/2011/10/10/4/

[antz2411]

i would go if i were you. it takes courage to act regardless of your current mood. It is easy to succumb to your feelings. Despite this, it is important to remember feelings come from your thoughts, and you have the power to change your thoughts. When you change your thoughts, you change the way you feel thieves!

 

Instead of focusing on how negative you will feel, focus on the benefit of going and hanging out with your friends at an event you've been wanting to go to for awhile now. who cares if he is there and he will ruin it, he will only ruin it for you if you let him! you should have progressed well enough to set your boundaries! look at this way if you you go and you see him this will be the perfect time to test that ( setting your boundaries)! Focus on how you will feel when you are finished and how proud you will be of yourself for acting despite not being in the perfect mood.

[Thieves]

What it feels like right now is the closer I get to letting you go completely, I scramble as fast as I can at the last minute to hold onto some piece of your memory. To try and keep it alive by preserving it in the back of my mind, I suppose. I try my best not to do this, and I don't always have the impulse to, but it almost feels like I need to. Which I hate.

 

I want to lose you, but not completely, but then I don't want to keep holding on either - if only for the fear that by never fully letting go, I won't be able to really get on with my life. There will ways be that part of me that feels 'off' to think you're permanently a part of my past, which just feels... strange.

 

Thinking of you less and less, and when I do, I feel detached in kind of a sad way. Which is also strange.

 

It's a mind-f*ck how a person can be so completely involved in your life, then barely there the next. I know feelings change all of the time, but Christ, it's hard to get used to. It really doesn't get that much easier no matter how many times it happens, does it?

 

Oh. And I hate that you've basically poisoned the state of New York for me. Not necessarily the state, but the damn name, and it's been that way ever since you told me you moved there and met 'her'. As if I needed to hear that back then. Even if my mind is nowhere near you, it still irritates the hell out of me when it comes up. And it doesn't help that I watch a lot of CNN where reporters use that state name like verbal diarrhea.

 

So every time I hear the words 'New York', my mind automatically flashes back to you and how you're probably there with her right now, running around hand-in-hand in the "city that never sleeps." Nevermind me being the human that never sleeps, because frankly, that's what it feels like right now.

 

Guess it can't hurt to at least try and get some sleep.

[Thieves]

i would go if i were you. it takes courage to act regardless of your current mood. It is easy to succumb to your feelings. Despite this, it is important to remember feelings come from your thoughts, and you have the power to change your thoughts. When you change your thoughts, you change the way you feel thieves!

 

Instead of focusing on how negative you will feel, focus on the benefit of going and hanging out with your friends at an event you've been wanting to go to for awhile now. who cares if he is there and he will ruin it, he will only ruin it for you if you let him! you should have progressed well enough to set your boundaries! look at this way if you you go and you see him this will be the perfect time to test that ( setting your boundaries)! Focus on how you will feel when you are finished and how proud you will be of yourself for acting despite not being in the perfect mood.

 

And thanks, Antz. You're right, I shouldn't be so negative about it. Was just having an overall crappy day that week, and I think I'll end up going anyway. All I can hope is that I won't see him, but if I do... well, I guess I'll have to handle it from there.

[Thieves]

 

 

How come you never go there?

How come I'm so alone there?



How come you never go there?

How come I'm so alone there?

 

I went up to your window

Lightly banging on the cymbals

A writ into the night

Came storming to your house

 

My horse had worked the fields too long

My bear had lost its innate calm

It's true enough for not at peace

But peace is never where it seems

 

Our love is not the light it was

When I walk inside the dark I'm calm

Where we look for where we went

It's only echoes in the melody



How come you never go there?

How come I'm so alone there?

 

How come you never go there?

How come I'm so alone there?

We waste time on blame, I wreak revenge

Wasted energy and rejections

We're living proof we gotta let go

And stop looking through the halo

 

We carry on as if our time is through

You carry on as if I don't love you

And so we find the ways out

To cover hard I have a doubt

 

The room is full of eyes and empty

Like your letters never sent me

Words like a lasso

You're an instrumental tune



How come you never go there?

How come I'm so alone there?

[Thieves]

Bought a new journal today whilst at work. It's a little small, the cover being beige and genuine Italian leather with only the three words "Veni Vidi Vici" ingraved in cursive on the front. I figure I could always use something when I'm not on here, as work is picking up for the holidays and I keep getting home later. Plus, I've gotten back into writing for hobby (finally), so I need something to 'scribble' on.

 

I also talked to a guy after work today who I somehow got into a conversation about relationships with. He'd just broken up with his girlfriend a few months ago, due to her being unfaithful. I told him my own story and, surprisingly, he was understanding about it all, telling me it's easy to feel like you're getting on with your life but still feel like something's missing. How true. He also said it's only a matter of time before that feeling starts to wear off. And I know he's right.

 

Things really aren't that horribly bad without you, though, I realize that now. I just keep waiting for that moment where I actually feel I've let everything go. If it ever will arrive. I'm not sure if I should really count on a moment like that coming...

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVLFlkehGuU

 

 

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

 

I've built walls,

A fortress deep and mighty,

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

 

Don't talk of love,

Well, I've heard the word before

It's sleeping in my memory

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

 

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me;

I am shielded in my armor,

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock,

I am an island.

 

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

[Sugarkane]

OMG other Joy Division and The Horrors fans! Thieves you must also like 500 days of summer too?! Man do I know how Tom felt.

[Thieves]

OMG other Joy Division and The Horrors fans! Thieves you must also like 500 days of summer too?! Man do I know how Tom felt.

 

Amazing, isn't it?!

 

And yes, I don't know one person who doesn't relate to how Tom felt at some point in their life. It's sad, but just goes to show love can be so stupidly blinding sometimes. And for some reason, I thought I'd be immune to that.

[Buttercup84]

Amazing, isn't it?!

 

And yes, I don't know one person who doesn't relate to how Tom felt at some point in their life. It's sad, but just goes to show love can be so stupidly blinding sometimes. And for some reason, I thought I'd be immune to that.

I am listening to Simon and Garfunkel while reading this.You are the kind of girl who I could imagine sitting in a smokey cafe with all night long and talking about random , deep and weird stuff. hehe.

[Thieves]

I am listening to Simon and Garfunkel while reading this.You are the kind of girl who I could imagine sitting in a smokey cafe with all night long and talking about random , deep and weird stuff. hehe.

 

Aw, haha, I guess I can take that as a good thing? That definitely sounds like something I'd do, though! Especially the talking about weird stuff. If only you lived in the States, Buttercup!

[Sugarkane]

Thieves you have fantastic taste in things.

[Thieves]

I'm wondering if this is an endless cycle. I wake up some mornings and feel no effect from you, but then, I wake up on mornings like this... and I'm not so sure. Why does it always feel like I'm missing something? It literally feels like the thoughts will never stop, even if they do become less and less with time. I mean, I really do feel as if I'm getting over my head with all of this sometimes, like it's some sort of joke to think that I can truly heal from what happened with you. It makes me a bit afraid to get very close to anyone else, because the ego is all the more fragile. I just don't know why I'm thinking this so late in the process, as opposed to, oh, in the very beginning where I was insanely hurt and practically drove myself nuts. It has also rained all morning so far, and while I do love the rain, I honestly just feel like lying in bed and sleeping the day away. But, I won't. Or I can't, to be more precise, since I have to go to the hospital with my friend. I am certain of one thing, though, and that is I'm proud I haven't checked to see if you've left any messages lately. I haven't had the urge as much, to my surprise, but I did get a bit curious this morning -- though not curious enough to actually check. Because obviously, one of the last things I need today is more disappointment.

[Thieves]

Thieves you have fantastic taste in things.

 

And thanks, Sugarkane. You do too, apparently.

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=culLp1w6GSk

 

 

When I watched you walk with him

Tears filled my eyes

And when I heard you talk with him

I couldn't stand his lies

And now before he tries it

I hope you realize it

 

Let him run wild

He don't care

Let him run wild

He'll find out

Let him run wild

He don't care

 

(Guess you know I waited for you)

He'll do the same to other girls

That he did to you

But then one day he'll run in to one

That's gonna hurt him too

Before he makes you over

I'm gonna take you over

 

Let him run wild

He don't care

Let him run wild

He'll find out

Let him run wild

He don't care

 

(Guess you know I waited for you girl)

All the dreams you shared with him

You might as well forget

I know you need a truer love

And that's what you'll get

And now that you don't need him

Well he can have his freedom

 

Let him run wild

He don't care

Let him run wild

He'll find out

Let him run wild

He don't care

Let him run wild

He'll find out

Let him run wild

He don't care

Let him run wild

He'll find out

Let him run wild

[PrissyDixie]

I'm wondering if this is an endless cycle. I wake up some mornings and feel no effect from you, but then, I wake up on mornings like this... and I'm not so sure. Why does it always feel like I'm missing something?

 

Wow, just one of the many things you have written that so relates to what I think and feel...some days I wake up and keep moving and doing and I'm okay...other days not so easy...I can handle it when it's the days but the nights...nights like tonight when there seems to be no end in sight or that it's just out of my reach...he does make contact quite frequently, I don't know what worse..the little bit he does to make sure I'm still there or the days he doesn't...I feel turned inside out and for the first time in a while both lonely and alone....Thanks for the words, I hate for anyone to feel this empty hollow I feel but it is comforting to know I'm not crazy! We are not broken, we are cracked but I know we are healing too...if we weren't we wouldn't be here....

[silvermane187]

I like your taste in music. I can relate.

[Thieves]

Yesterday was a really good day, or at least a nice change from the last few. Meant to post earlier, but was too tired. Hung out and went out to dinner with a few friends, and somehow managed not to think of you nearly the whole time -- while also managing to help point out a few cute men who happened to be there, too. Figures. And well, at least I know I'm still able to be very attracted to other people, period. It's mid-October, and I'm finally starting to realize how cold it's beginning to get here. Winter's well on its way, which means the holidays are, too -- which can either go very well, or very badly for me... It all made me think of what I can do to keep my mind busy, so I'm thinking of getting another job, a good one nearby that I enjoy, and doing some volunteer work in the community -- especially during the holidays. One of the reasons being I've always wanted to, anyway, and it'd be good to help those who are truly in need of attention, or those less fortunate. Who knows, maybe it'll somehow help put me things into perspective about my own situation. Nothing like a little humanitarian work to make a person feel humble about their own life problems, right? I'm sincerely hoping so.

 

That, and maybe I'll finally be able to start taking a few writing classes at a college closer to me, since like I said, I'm getting back into writing more and more these days. I'm just hoping all of this will be enough to keep me even mildly distracted and away from an idle mind, as last year's winter and holidays were a little... sh*tty, coming fresh out of heartbreak with you and right into the start of NC. It's still not a warm or comforting time to think about at all, though I wish I could say I'm now past it. At least I had my friends and family there for support, and I was honestly thankful for that, but the newly added pain from you and the fact that it was the coldest winter yet didn't help much at all. So, really, here's to hoping this year's holidays will be a little bit better than the last.

[Thieves]

Wow, just one of the many things you have written that so relates to what I think and feel...some days I wake up and keep moving and doing and I'm okay...other days not so easy...I can handle it when it's the days but the nights...nights like tonight when there seems to be no end in sight or that it's just out of my reach...he does make contact quite frequently, I don't know what worse..the little bit he does to make sure I'm still there or the days he doesn't...I feel turned inside out and for the first time in a while both lonely and alone....Thanks for the words, I hate for anyone to feel this empty hollow I feel but it is comforting to know I'm not crazy! We are not broken, we are cracked but I know we are healing too...if we weren't we wouldn't be here....

 

Hey, PrissyDixie. I'm glad you could relate to some of what I wrote. It's easy to feel like no one really understands, even if there are hundreds who do, so if my words can let at least one person know that they're not alone in all of this, then I'm more than satisfied. I've noticed that mornings seem to be the hardest for me, whereas in the beginning, it was mostly nights where my mind would really be free to wander off. And then somewhere in the middle, it switched to being the daytime that would be a drag for me the most, then... back to mornings. So I think it's interesting how that seems to switch up from time to time.

 

I like your taste in music. I can relate.

 

Thank you!

[Thieves]

It kills knowing he will marry someone else one day.

 

Buttercup's own journal entry made me think of something I haven't thought to think about in a while. You, and marriage. Two words that seem a bit a strange coming off the tongue nowadays, to be honest.

 

I believe I'm on the 'brink' of going into a new chapter of my life (not just because of getting over you either), but there are still times where I think of the future and picture you proposing to another woman and getting married, and -- God -- having kids with her. It does sting a bit. I can barely picture you getting married, nevermind being a father. But do you know how badly that really used to hurt me, just thinking of that? "Hurt" as in the type where at times I was lying in my bed mere minutes before work, curled up with my arms wrapped around my stomach, eyes closed, hoping the pain would eventually subside to something slightly bearable. And after a little while, it would... if only momentarily.

 

Looking back with a kind of clarity that certainly only comes with time and plenty of analyzing on my part, I can see how the mere thought of you ending up in someone else's arms permanently and you being happy about this is something that, perhaps more than anything else, drove me to try to make things work. To try to hold onto whatever crumbling pieces of the friendship/relationship that were left, yet were already broken and damaged. It makes me cringe now to wonder what I think I could've made out of them. After all, you can't really build a sturdy castle with crumbling pieces of stone, can you? So what did I think I could possibly do? Because obviously, through a somewhat shallow pseudo-friendship, I was hoping to gain something from you. I realized a long time ago that I wasn't really being a 'friend' in the true sense to you, and that was my fault. I should've left it where it was, and left when you first "checked out." I was wrong for deceiving you and myself with that. What I know I was truly hoping was to get through to you, and let you come around to the idea of maybe finishing what we'd started. Apparently, you had other ideas in mind...

 

So not too long ago, piecing together your name in combination with the word 'marriage' -- without me anywhere in the picture -- was something I purposely avoided doing in my head, something I denied, as it never failed to make me sick to my stomach -- figuratively, and some days literally. But now, more anything, it's strange to think about. It doesn't stir me up nearly as much as it did back then. It's just strange to think of marriage, as I realize that you were never really one to get into "long-term relationships". And you said this yourself, that you were taking a relationship seriously for once. Obviously, this is something that also hurt me, since I felt that somehow cheapened what we had with each other. Sometimes I wonder if it actually does. But it is what it is, isn't it?

Edited October 24, 2011 by Thieves

[Thieves]

Maybe what makes all of this so sad, not just this entire "heartbreak" business, but with love, period, is this:

 

It's that you meet someone, you fall in love, you're so deeply into it and entrenched in the wonderful feeling of what's happening, and then the next moment... before you even realize it, you're spit out again. This person is out of your life, sometimes so quickly that the memory of them starts to seem like a ghost. And before you can even have a chance to fix things, before you even know what you need to fix, time keeps passing along as if it never stopped in the first place. And why should it stop? Yet this horrible thing has happened, you're still apart and you're still hurting, and all of these different thoughts -- bitter thoughts about love that you've never had before because you've never had to think of them -- quickly begin taking over in your own mind like they've been planted there forever. You constantly replay clips of the past, the present, and of a future that's now a clean slate...

 

While doing this, you do your best to pick yourself, dust yourself off, and keep moving. Sure, you trip up a few times here and there, or maybe more than a few times, but it's what happens. You're still learning, and you realize this; it's a process, after all. It's what comes naturally, to heal, to want to get back to even a semblance of what you were before. But while sorting through all of the pain that you feel you've brought upon yourself, while drifting in and out of the reality that is love lost, another process is taking place underneath the surface: maturity.

 

And now come the thoughts, a whole body of them, that have feasted on your vulnerable mind like a plague ever since Day One. Thoughts of a second chance. Only now, perhaps after some more time has passed, it's no longer something that plagues you. Now with the hindsight of your perspective, you try to consider the possibility of a second chance if it did ever arrive. You think of all the invisible walls, of all the cautions and the flying red flags that you've now embedded in your mind about relationships, all of the knowledge that you've absorbed for not to get blindsided and stuck with the dagger in your heart once again.

 

And now you're faced with a new, smaller fear. The fear that your newfound maturity has actually become a part of you -- a better, wiser part of you -- to where you feel you might not be able to go back. Because not only have you gained "experience" from this type of dagger delivered to the heart, but without even truly realizing it, your heart has made it an obstacle to regress back to your naive self when you first fell in love.

 

And once that happens, once you can distinguish a past version of yourself with a present version, you're no longer really the same person, are you? And what about them, too? If you were to try to return to that first love, if you were to try to give it a second chance, would it really be worth it? Will your heart be in it, completely and fully in it, like it was before?

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIkoSPqjaU4

 

 

When the truth is found to be lies

and all the joy within you dies

Don't you want somebody to love

don't you need somebody to love

Wouldn't you love somebody to love

you better find somebody to love

 

When the garden flowers, baby, are dead yes

and your mind, your mind is so full of red

Don't you want somebody to love

don't you need somebody to love

Wouldn't you love somebody to love

you better find somebody to love

 

Your eyes, I say your eyes may look like his

but in your head, baby,

I'm afraid you don't know where it is

Don't you want somebody to love

don't you need somebody to love

Wouldn't you love somebody to love

you better find somebody to love

 

Tears are running, running down your breast

and your friends, baby, they treat you like a guest

Don't you want somebody to love

don't you need somebody to love

wouldn't you love somebody to love

you better find somebody to love

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmhm4HjfbZc&feature=related

 

Which will you go for

Which will you love

Which will you choose from

From the stars above

Which will you answer

Which will you call

Which will you take for

For your one and all

And tell me now

Which will you love the best?

 

Which do you dance for

Which makes you shine

Which will you choose now

If you won't choose mine

Which will you hope for

Which can it be

Which will you take now

If you won't take me

And tell me now

Which will you love the best?