Coping Log of a Thief. :)

[PositiveNegative]

Maybe what makes all of this so sad, not just this entire "heartbreak" business, but with love, period, is this:

 

It's that you meet someone, you fall in love, you're so deeply into it and entrenched in the wonderful feeling of what's happening, and then the next moment... before you even realize it, you're spit out again. This person is out of your life, sometimes so quickly that the memory of them starts to seem like a ghost. And before you can even have a chance to fix things, before you even know what you need to fix, time keeps passing along as if it never stopped in the first place. And why should it stop? Yet this horrible thing has happened, you're still apart and you're still hurting, and all of these different thoughts -- bitter thoughts about love that you've never had before because you've never had to think of them -- quickly begin taking over in your own mind like they've been planted there forever. You constantly replay clips of the past, the present, and of a future that's now a clean slate...

 

While doing this, you do your best to pick yourself, dust yourself off, and keep moving. Sure, you trip up a few times here and there, or maybe more than a few times, but it's what happens. You're still learning, and you realize this; it's a process, after all. It's what comes naturally, to heal, to want to get back to even a semblance of what you were before. But while sorting through all of the pain that you feel you've brought upon yourself, while drifting in and out of the reality that is love lost, another process is taking place underneath the surface: maturity.

 

And now come the thoughts, a whole body of them, that have feasted on your vulnerable mind like a plague ever since Day One. Thoughts of a second chance. Only now, perhaps after some more time has passed, it's no longer something that plagues you. Now with the hindsight of your perspective, you try to consider the possibility of a second chance if it did ever arrive. You think of all the invisible walls, of all the cautions and the flying red flags that you've now embedded in your mind about relationships, all of the knowledge that you've absorbed for not to get blindsided and stuck with the dagger in your heart once again.

 

And now you're faced with a new, smaller fear. The fear that your newfound maturity has actually become a part of you -- a better, wiser part of you -- to where you feel you might not be able to go back. Because not only have you gained "experience" from this type of dagger delivered to the heart, but without even truly realizing it, your heart has made it an obstacle to regress back to your naive self when you first fell in love.

 

And once that happens, once you can distinguish a past version of yourself with a present version, you're no longer really the same person, are you? And what about them, too? If you were to try to return to that first love, if you were to try to give it a second chance, would it really be worth it? Will your heart be in it, completely and fully in it, like it was before?

 

Thieves, great writing. I really like your style.

 

You're right. This is all a process. The road to healing is filled with potholes but there is a great destination awaiting us.

 

You know what? I always find myself the most creative in the early morning hours also. It's like the most inspiring aspects of my mind come out as a reaction to drowsiness I get.

 

It's every dumpee's dream right? Would I take her back? I'm only 2 months post BU but my feelings about it are so radically different then only a month ago. The scenario seems so complicated. How would I feel knowing she was with another? How will my family and friends who have seen me at my worst react to the idea of me taking the source of my pain back? My mother will forever hold a grudge on her for hurting me like she did. So how could she face my family and friends again after what she has put me through?

 

The scenario doesn't seem in the cards but the question is constantly on my mind and will be for some time. The potential pain of a second rejection could hurt much more...

 

But to hold her and call her mine again, just once, would be incredibly tempting. I'll play this scene in my head a million times and if it will ever happen. I know I will be lost in the confusion.

[Thieves]

Thieves, great writing. I really like your style.

 

You're right. This is all a process. The road to healing is filled with potholes but there is a great destination awaiting us.

 

You know what? I always find myself the most creative in the early morning hours also. It's like the most inspiring aspects of my mind come out as a reaction to drowsiness I get.

 

It's every dumpee's dream right? Would I take her back? I'm only 2 months post BU but my feelings about it are so radically different then only a month ago. The scenario seems so complicated. How would I feel knowing she was with another? How will my family and friends who have seen me at my worst react to the idea of me taking the source of my pain back? My mother will forever hold a grudge on her for hurting me like she did. So how could she face my family and friends again after what she has put me through?

 

The scenario doesn't seem in the cards but the question is constantly on my mind and will be for some time. The potential pain of a second rejection could hurt much more...

 

But to hold her and call her mine again, just once, would be incredibly tempting. I'll play this scene in my head a million times and if it will ever happen. I know I will be lost in the confusion.

 

Thank you. I love writing and using it as a way to vent, as it seems to be one of the few true ways that help me through all of this. And yes, during the late hours of the morn' is usually when the "creative juices" are flowing more, so to speak. Haha.

 

And damn those potholes, too. How delighted I'll be to finally get away from them... to get off the "dirt road" of the break-up process, and finally onto smooth ground. It'd be nice to "cruise", even for just a while.

 

The temptation of having a second chance is something that is so persistent too, even with how well I've been doing, that sometimes I even doubt if I would really say "No" if the opportunity came up. It's something you think about for so long, you start to think you might as well do it, otherwise all the time you've spent thinking about it was in vain! I know I can't think like that and that we have to be strong, but it's hard sometimes...

[Thieves]

Kind of feel like crying right now, to be honest. Don't really know why either.

 

But I won't.

[Buttercup84]

Kind of feel like crying right now, to be honest. Don't really know why either.

 

But I won't.

*hugs * but sometimes it is good to let it out . Hope you're Ok x

[Thieves]

*hugs * but sometimes it is good to let it out . Hope you're Ok x

 

Thanks, Buttercup.

 

But sometimes it is good, you're right. Just ran into a few "reminders" last night though, and was kind of set back a little. Hate when that happens...

[Thieves]

Now, to get through work.

 

 

 

Oh Cecilia, you're breaking my heart

You're shaking my confidence daily

Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees

I'm begging you please to come home

 

Oh Cecilia, you're breaking my heart

You're shaking my confidence daily

Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees

I'm begging you please to come home

Come on home

 

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia

Up in my bedroom (making love)

I got up to wash my face

When I come back to bed

Someone's taken my place

 

Oh Cecilia, you're breaking my heart

You're shaking my confidence daily

Oh, Cecilia, I'm down on my knees

I'm begging you please to come home

Come on home

 

Jubilation, she loves me again,

I fall on the floor and I'm laughing,

Jubilation, she loves me again,

I fall on the floor and I'm laughing

[ffw]

Hi Theives,

How u doing today? I am more on the 2nd stage i.e. moving on stage. As the days are passing my feelings for her are fading away. I was listening to this song before by MB "Getaway". I think its suit my feelings well. Hope you don't mind writing lyrics of the song on your blog.

 

Monday comes with a loaded gun

And I am trying to escape

Want to run, wanna chase this sun

Let it walk the world away

Looking at the empty streets

These are the changes what I need

 

I feel snow & there is open road

& I feel sweet relieve

 

I wanna getaway gotta getaway

Going by the loop beneath these skies

Cuz I need a change yeah I need a change

 

Sleepless nights cuz the city lights

Makes the moon so hard to see

Take a ride to the other side

Give me room where I could breathe

Shout it out to the breaking dawn

Fell the earth under your feet

Open door what are you waiting for

Let the rain come down on me

 

Have a great weekend. Hugs.....

[Thieves]

Hi Theives,

How u doing today? I am more on the 2nd stage i.e. moving on stage. As the days are passing my feelings for her are fading away. I was listening to this song before by MB "Getaway". I think its suit my feelings well. Hope you don't mind writing lyrics of the song on your blog.

 

Monday comes with a loaded gun

And I am trying to escape

Want to run, wanna chase this sun

Let it walk the world away

Looking at the empty streets

These are the changes what I need

 

I feel snow & there is open road

& I feel sweet relieve

 

I wanna getaway gotta getaway

Going by the loop beneath these skies

Cuz I need a change yeah I need a change

 

Sleepless nights cuz the city lights

Makes the moon so hard to see

Take a ride to the other side

Give me room where I could breathe

Shout it out to the breaking dawn

Fell the earth under your feet

Open door what are you waiting for

Let the rain come down on me

 

Have a great weekend. Hugs.....

 

Hey again, Ffw! I'm doing okay, how about yourself? Hope the healing process isn't being too hard on you.

 

And no, I don't mind you posting lyrics at all, and I like the ones you posted too, so feel free.

 

I especially like the part in the lyrics about "Monday coming like a loaded gun", and "feeling snow and the open road/and I feel sweet relief"... which is kind of weird, because it's very cold here with winter approaching, but I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would around this season. So far. And I was just thinking earlier this morning that I'd be somewhat 'depressed' with all this overwhelming lack of sunshine, but I feel alright. Which is a relief.

 

Anyway, thanks for the lyrics (and hugs!), hope your weekend is good so far too.

x

[Thieves]

Woke up nearly in tears about an hour ago. I didn't realize what I'd been dreaming about until a few seconds afterwards, and after cursing myself, got up to wash my face. I then came back to bed and, for the first time in a long while, allowed myself to really think about you. Allowed myself to actually go in-depth for a few minutes, as far as the thoughts I was having.

 

And already, it felt strange -- almost as if visiting the premises of your childhood home you moved away from years ago, yet the minute you walk in the front door, you get a surrounding but vague sense of familiarity. You really wonder if this is the house you lived in for such a long time, and that it feels a bit odd to be walking once again on the same groundwork that made for several of your old memories. Honestly, it's not that I'd been purposely avoiding thinking about you. It's that I've now become used to not thinking about you in depth, and that I've slowly become comfortable "viewing" you from a distance. Like one of the bold marks on an old map to remind you of all the places you've been to, or a landmark to remind you of what you saw there.

 

Now that I think of it, it's also not completely unlike skimming through a book you used to read and analyze page by page not too long ago. Yet now you flip through all of the pages, stopping here and there occasionally to read a passage you remembered, but never really stopping to read it word for word. You've already read it so many times, by now you've practically got every detail and plot twist recorded to memory. So for me to take a figurative magnifying glass to some of the memories and thoughts of you that used to run rampant in my mind was something I was hesitating to do, especially in the sleepy haze I was in. I didn't want to fall back into the same trap.

 

But then, after the dream, I just laid there for a good hour thinking about heaven knows what, but mostly the dream. You had somehow stumbled onto my journal (my physical one that I bought a few weeks ago) somewhere in my room, and you sat there reading some of it aloud to yourself with a surprised look on your face (which was painful and embarrassing to remember)...

 

Before this, I'd been good about not dreaming of you, and now I wonder if it's something annoying that never really goes away. I'd really like to hope it does, but then again, I know a part of me doesn't hope that. Maybe this is just something I'll have to deal with for a long time.

[Thieves]

F***. I don't know why I even try anymore, really. Sometimes I wish I never met you. I really do. Because I wouldn't be in this pain right now, I wouldn't be worrying over someone who isn't worried about me, and I wouldn't feel so empty whenever I'm temped to contact you -- all because I know I won't get anything in return. It seems like all you've done is cause me more harm than good. And it's almost as if every time I'm feeling better, and for every good week I have, there's another bad week coming right after it. It's not worth it anymore, and I wish I could become numb to all of this, numb to you. I'll never truly know how easy it is to just throw someone away that you supposedly care for so much, and then act as if they never existed. It makes me question whether anything you ever said to me, or everything you ever promised was even true, rather than just said in the "heat of the moment."

 

I feel so redundant to feel this way after all this time, and I know I shouldn't. I know I'm ready to move on. I want to put this in this past, because I'm sick of it bothering me and and I'm so very tired of the thoughts wandering around the back of my head like a ghost. But I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I'm doing so well, and we may as well be strangers now, yet I'm still here on some days thinking of you (again). Hope isn't even an option right now. I know what I'm feeling right now isn't hatred, but at the same time I know it's official that things have been dragging on for too long. And to be honest, I can't wait to forget you. I just don't know when I will.

[Thieves]

I've decided that I'm going to start saving up to go on a much needed roadtrip in the spring. I really need to get out of this place for a little while and clear my head, as staying here where everything "happened" isn't doing me much good right now. I was thinking of spending Christmas in Toronto this year with a friend, but decided that I'll stay to be with my family, as my brother just came back into town. And I'm certainly not going to New York of all places... The saving starts now, though.

[Dust]

You can come visit me if you promise to be nice and dramatic like you are in this thread Thieves!

 

Who knew you were going through this stuff not I! haha

 

I think you enjoy it all on some level and if you want it to stop it's in your power.

 

Better not mope to long or you'll be a perfect target for a predator like me.

[Thieves]

You can come visit me if you promise to be nice and dramatic like you are in this thread Thieves!

 

Who knew you were going through this stuff not I! haha

 

I think you enjoy it all on some level and if you want it to stop it's in your power.

 

Better not mope to long or you'll be a perfect target for a predator like me.

 

Won't make any promises, Dusty.

 

Also can't help what I feel. If I enjoyed it that much, then I'd seriously be worried about myself! But I'd flip a lightswitch on my feelings if I could. I think anyone would, actually.

 

Moping doesn't make me an easy target either! If anything, it makes me more closed off, ha.

[Dust]

Won't make any promises, Dusty.

 

Also can't help what I feel. If I enjoyed it that much, then I'd seriously be worried about myself! But I'd flip a lightswitch on my feelings if I could. I think anyone would, actually.

 

Moping doesn't make me an easy target either! If anything, it makes me more closed off, ha.

 

Oh yeah you're closed off

[Thieves]

Oh yeah you're closed off

 

Yep. So it goes.

[Thieves]

I have to start realizing that I can only depend on myself from now on. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I know myself too well, and I know that in the past I could sometimes get a little too dependent on another person to fulfill that empty little space with "happiness". It's something I've worked on the best I can. The thing is, at times, I feel I'm completely on track as far as regaining my own sense of self, like I'm really getting somewhere. And at other times... it feels more similiar to being back at square one. As in one week, I'll actually be looking forward to getting closer to people, and then the next week, it's completely the opposite where I just want to 'close up' from others again whenever the slightest hint of disappointment shows up.

 

I got away for the past day or two, mainly because I got exhausted with myself and the world all over again. Plus, there was always someone around somewhere wherever I was, which is good -- yet I haven't really had the chance to be completely by myself and truly think for an extended period of time. I keep telling myself certain things, one being that I know it would probably be a good idea to try and get back out there soon when it comes to dating. I mean, if there's any other steps left after this entire process, one of them would be to finally find another person out there that I connect with in that way. Most likely easier said than done, though.

 

There's no doubt I can find other people attractive, I've long noticed that, but... it seems like that's as far as it's willing to go right now. For some reason, I feel like I should feel 'excited' and 'relieved' about new dating prospects and finding someone new, but it's honestly really difficult to feel that way. Because at the moment, I'm more dreading going through the whole 'dating' thing again. Honestly, probably one of the greatest things about being with 'him' was not having to go through the usual dating process, because there was no need to really go through all the 'bases' or 'mind games' that I've heard so many people talk about. I also didn't know anything about dating 'rules' or what you were/weren't supposed to do, and it was so much more carefree that way. We just clicked, and everything else fell into place and worked wonderfully. -- Well, at least while we were still into each other. But that goes for any couple, right?

 

Now, I'm not so naive to what happens when things start to go downhill, and so I kind of have to expect more my next time round'. And to be honest, it's a bit of a drag. But I don't know, today just seems like an 'off' day for me so far. It's possible I'm just putting too much pressure on myself with this, so maybe it's best to just not think about it too much. I always am a little too pensive during early mornings, anyway.

[Thieves]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-W4WUoY56Y

 

Here I stand, head in hand

Turn my face to the wall

If she's gone, I can't go on

Feelin' two-foot small

 

Everywhere people stare

Each and every day

I can see them laugh at me

And I hear them say...

 

Hey, you've got to hide your love away!

Hey, you've got to hide your love away!

 

How can I even try?

I can never win

Hearin' them, seein' them

In the state I'm in

 

How could she say to me

"Love will find a way"?

Gather round, all you clowns

Let me hear you say...

 

Hey, you've got to hide your love away!

Hey, you've got to hide your love away!

[Dust]

I wear my sunglasses at night so I can watch you weave then breath your story lines.

[Thieves]

Hey, hey, it's almost Friday!

 

I don't know why, but this week seems to have gone by really slowly for some reason. I usually don't pay attention that much to what day it is anymore, not since I got out of school a while ago, which is why it's kind of amusing to me that I even noticed at all. Days usually go by pretty fast for me, but I've had a few crappy ones in a row this time after accidentally finding some "memorabilia" of 'him' (pictures, old journal letters, etc). Still, Friday and Saturday remain the best parts of the week, always. Maybe I'm just looking forward to that one special "It's the weekend!" drink tomorrow, ha.

 

Also found out that my family and I might be visiting my wonderful grandparents -- who live a few states away -- for Thanksgiving this year, which I'd actually be happy about because, yes! That would finally mean I'm able to "get away" and out of this damn state for even a week! I wonder if anyone can sense me bouncing a little in my seat...

 

I know it's just a week, but eh, that'll be good enough for now I guess. Plus, I'll most likely get to cook plenty of delicious food, and I honestly miss having someone to cook for... but I won't think about that right now.

 

In other news, a guy at work asked me yesterday if I'd like to come along with him to a concert in early December, which for some reason I hadn't heard about yet (ironic to think about, being the music-loving person I am). It honestly caught me a little off guard, since I was about halfway driven up the wall by customers irritating the hell out of me and, oh, my boss suddenly deciding at the last minute to 'take the day off' on one of the busiest days we've had. I'm pretty certain I seemed like an overly stressed jack rabbit, and at the end of the day when I was getting ready to leave and finally got a chance to breathe, I noticed he was coming in for his shift.

 

We talked for a little while and helped some crazed person who apparently had a hard time understanding the words 'good manners', and then he asked me if I wanted to go to the upcoming concert he was talking about. It seemed random, but I said I'd let him know if I could go depending on how much the tickets are. From what I know of him (we usually don't work the same shifts), he's a pretty interesting guy, so at the moment I don't see why it'd be a bad idea...

[Thieves]

And just a little "heartfelt" (rant) letter also in relation to work today:

 

Dear Certain Lovely/Smartass Customers (yes, you know who you are),

 

This may seem to come out of nowhere, but you'll get what I mean immediately, because I'll get right to the point. How about considering this wild and "crazy" proposal of mine? Here it is, so brace yourselves:

 

How about sometimes actually KNOWING what you want or what you're looking for before you come into OUR place of business and continue to ask my co-workers and I off-the-wall questions for half an hour as if we have no other work to do (yes, lady with the subtly visible moustache and overly tight red Christmas sweater with the mutant reindeer on it, I'm talking about you). Nevermind also trying to tell our own employees that "we don't know how our system works" (yes, man with the fifty year old worn polo shirt and thick Georgian/Spanish accent, I'm looking at you).

 

OR, that you somehow know how to resolve a detailed corporate-involved financial situation so much better than two damn managers? (Yes, short Donald Trump look-a-like, I'm speaking of you... and your two taller obnoxious "wives".)

 

But alas, no. Who am I kidding? It's absolutely unthinkable to expect a person, at least one single person, to have any idea of what they want when it comes to these things. I shouldn't be so selfish. After all, "the customer is always right." Or actually... maybe I ripped out that lame little part of my contract, stepped on it a thousand times, and shoved it inside the mouth of an arrogant and unrelenting customer, never to be seen afterwards on our premises again...

 

But, you know what? It's okay. Really, it is. Because yes, I'm "zen" now, I'm calm now, I'm breathing easy now () -- and I'm relaxing in my underwear and digging into a generous portion of dark chocolate, snickerdoodle-flavored coffee, and vanilla ice cream. And right now, no, I don't give a damn.

 

Love,

Thieves

[neghitzbrah]

Thieves... go for it. You never know.

 

I went out for a friend's birthday last Saturday and met her sister. She was really cool. We ended up hanging out last night. I like her company, but I was thinking about my ex so much in the end that I couldn't stand it. Thank god I didn't stay over that night otherwise it would've hurt.

 

Ugh. Now I'm ranting. I have to vent this on my journal.

 

Anyways... go to the concert with him. You like music, so you should enjoy the concert either way. Congrats on ending school btw!

[Thieves]

Another busy day at work today, though it went by much faster since it's officially Friday.

 

I also had a seemingly normal conversation that's been rolling around in my head for a few hours. My boss, a co-worker, and a frequent customer had been talking for a good hour at work today about anything and everything. At first we'd been chatting about traveling overseas and what university was like for them back in the 70's (can only imagine), and somehow my boss and the customer (who was a bit kooky yet pretty damn funny) got onto the subject of raising their own children. Apparently she (the customer) has a 34 year old daughter who previously "threw away" two very good men and is now choosing to be by herself for a while. Because of my age, she advised me not to settle yet at all -- especially as far as getting married. I'm nearly 100% sure that she was being serious, but honestly, all I could do was laugh. A lot, the main reason being that I really can't see myself doing that anytime soon, nevermind now!

 

It was interesting, though, because my co-worker who was talking with us too happens to be around my age and is engaged. She's told me before how people are very surprised when she tells them that she's planning to get married "already", but obviously she's certain enough that her fiance is the person she needs to be with. She's a sweet woman, and she doesn't seem like the kind of person to make rash decisions, so I do believe her. I also think she's damn lucky in a way to already know something like that rather early in her life. I don't think my boss knows this about her, and so she went on to tell me as well that I still have a while to go when it comes to meeting someone and settling down.

 

"You know, I can absolutely guarantee that you'll have at least seven more guys before you finally wanna settle down. There's really no rush, because trust me, you've still got a while to go."

 

It was all mostly in jest, and I know she meant well by it, but I couldn't help but stop and think about it for a minute when I got home. I'm aware that she didn't literally mean dating and breaking up with seven men, or I would hope she didn't. But if not "seven", then how many? Because at the moment, I can't comprehend going through something similar to this again. Feeling that kind of dread and pain all over again.

 

Really makes me wonder where a person gets the strength and energy to keep going through that.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Thieves

[Thieves]

Thieves... go for it. You never know.

 

I went out for a friend's birthday last Saturday and met her sister. She was really cool. We ended up hanging out last night. I like her company, but I was thinking about my ex so much in the end that I couldn't stand it. Thank god I didn't stay over that night otherwise it would've hurt.

 

Ugh. Now I'm ranting. I have to vent this on my journal.

 

Anyways... go to the concert with him. You like music, so you should enjoy the concert either way. Congrats on ending school btw!

 

And Neghitz, you're right. I mean, it's impossible to fully know the future, right? Plus, he did mention quite a few bands that I'm actually into, so it could turn out well after all.

 

It's fine about your venting, too! It's actually helpful and I don't mind it, trust me.

[neghitzbrah]

Well good. Give it a shot. Dating isn't easy. People don't complain about it for no reason. It's tough... but it makes you stronger.

 

You never know, right?

[Buttercup84]

Another busy day at work today, though it went by much faster since it's officially Friday.

 

I also had a seemingly normal conversation that's been rolling around in my head for a few hours. My boss, a co-worker, and a frequent customer had been talking for a good hour at work today about anything and everything. At first we'd been chatting about traveling overseas and what university was like for them back in the 70's (can only imagine), and somehow my boss and the customer (who was a bit kooky yet pretty damn funny) got onto the subject of raising their own children. Apparently she (the customer) has a 34 year old daughter who previously "threw away" two very good men and is now choosing to be by herself for a while. Because of my age, she advised me not to settle yet at all -- especially as far as getting married. I'm nearly 100% sure that she was being serious, but honestly, all I could do was laugh. A lot, the main reason being that I really can't see myself doing that anytime soon, nevermind now!

 

It was interesting, though, because my co-worker who was talking with us too happens to be around my age and is engaged. She's told me before how people are very surprised when she tells them that she's planning to get married "already", but obviously she's certain enough that her fiance is the person she needs to be with. She's a sweet woman, and she doesn't seem like the kind of person to make rash decisions, so I do believe her. I also think she's damn lucky in a way to already know something like that rather early in her life. I don't think my boss knows this about her, and so she went on to tell me as well that I still have a while to go when it comes to meeting someone and settling down.

 

"You know, I can absolutely guarantee that you'll have at least seven more guys before you finally wanna settle down. There's really no rush, because trust me, you've still got a while to go."

 

It was all mostly in jest, and I know she meant well by it, but I couldn't help but stop and think about it for a minute when I got home. I'm aware that she didn't literally mean dating and breaking up with seven men, or I would hope she didn't. But if not "seven", then how many? Because at the moment, I can't comprehend going through something similar to this again. Feeling that kind of dread and pain all over again.

 

Really makes me wonder where a person gets the strength and energy to keep going through that.

 

God , I know . I am 27 so I hope I do not have to go through seven men before I settle down . Dating again is scary