sex, lies, escorts, porn, suicide, depression

[lullabelle]

I found out two months ago that my husband has been cheating on me. No, he has not found a girlfriend. He has been seeking prostitutes/escorts online and meeting them at cheap hotels for sex. I feel so betrayed, unwanted, and ashamed. It has totally killed my self-esteem, my passion for life, and all my dreams. I cannot bring myself to tell anyone about this. Tears flood my eyes whenever I think about this and how embarassed and disgusted I feel about myself and this situation. I feel so ashamed as a woman...that even my own husband resorted to paid sex rather than be with me. I always made it very clear to him that I am available for him...but he lost interest in me a long time ago. Our sex life was never very good. He never wanted to have sex with me and constantly made excuses about being tired. I attributed this to our conflicting work schedules (me - daytime, him - nighttime). We are both in our mid-twenties. I could count on my fingers the number of times were were intimate in 2 years. I'm no supermodel but I'm not ugly. I do realize I gained weight since we got married, but I never thought it would lead him to do this. I always thought the man I loved would accept me, fat or thin, and love me for who I am. I won't be young forever...and when I'm old and even more unattractive, he will find me even more repelling. What is a girl to do? I've cried so many tears and tried talking to him for years about this but he would not communicate with me, would not go to counseling, and said that he thought our marriage was great. I should have known - only I loved him so much I kept accepting his excuses and tried to make rationalizations on why our sex life was non-existent.

 

I feel like such a dummy...that I could let him do this to me for so many years while I sat on the sidelines...hoping and wishing for the day when he would notice me...the day that would never come...because he had other women lined up...he set up a business account that I had no access to and transferred incremental amounts of our money to this account until he had enough money to pay for each event. I trusted him...I believed it was a legitimate account for business spending. How could I have been so blind... I make more money than him and take care of most of the bills. I believe this is somewhat intimidating to him and he feels that he has less control than me.

 

How long has he been doing this...I don't even know...but it has crushed my heart beyond belief and I will never love the same again. I've been married to him for nine years. Seven years that were terrible, this year being the worst. I don't even know why I am still here...I should have left a long time ago...but he promised me that it would never happen again and that it was a mistake. He just needed to do something "exciting" because he felt our lives were so boring.

 

I'm not usually the weak woman who lets a man step all over me, but I don't know things got so out of hand. I told him I wanted a divorce...but he simply will not leave. I tried to kick him out but he returns later in the evening and tells me that he will kill himself due to guilt. I've had to call the cops once because he locked himself in the bathroom and tried to inflict harm on himself. He's grown accustomed to the easy lifestyle I've provided him due to my income and I believe this is the reason he won't leave. He says he loves me and wants things to work...but he still ignores me and the porn collection on the computer is still growing. I feel so sleazy because I had to sneak around on the computer, install a key logger, and track his every move finally to find out that he has been doing all this cheating and arrangement of sex with prostitutes. He also tried to contact an ex-girlfriend in an attempt to hook up with her.

 

My family and his family thinks he is a god and believe that anything bad that may come from our relationship is probably caused by me. I love him and am somewhat afraid of making him lose face in front of them...although I know I shouldn't be. He is a soft-spoken, cheerful-faced, child-loving person whom everyone adores. He loved to cook for me and did a lot of housework. He was always the model of a perfect husband (minus the passion) until I found out his secrets. Thankfully we never had children due to our sexless marriage. I am glad children are not involved to complicate this situation even more. He recently broke down and cried and said that he is depressed and wants to live near his mother, which is 2,000 miles away from our current residence. Funny that before I did all this private investigation work, he was truly a happy, vivacious man from the outside and constantly assured me that our marriage had no worries. Since I've now found out, he's resorted to being a small, whiny man who constantly cries about missing his immediate family. I told him that I am unwilling to move and that I want a divorce now. He won't leave without me and will not divorce me. How can I get out of this? I know it sounds easy - just leave the a-hole! I feel so stuck...I no longer want to marry him...but I feel like I have to help him through this depression and get him help for his sexual addiction and suicidal tendencies. I don't know...I hate myself for being such a caring person. Please help. I am barely hanging on.

[FolderWife]

Oh honey! This is such a heart breaking story!

 

My friend got a divorce from her husband. She moved out, and filed for divorce. In the settlement, she got the house, and moved back in. Could you do that? You make a good amount of money, so could you rent an apartment for a while?

 

Do you want to keep this house? Maybe you would want to move away from the memories of this horrible relatinoship.

 

How HURT you must be! My heart genuinely goes out to you :(

[lullabelle]

Hi Monday - thanks so much for your words of consolation. The home we live in now, we don't own. The city we live in now we just recently moved to and we were right about to buy a home until I discovered my husband's secrets and lies.

 

We actually moved away from our old town because of marital-related problems to make a change...only things didn't change but got worse. He wants to move back near and says once he's happy...things will get better...I highly doubt it and don't know if I will be sticking around...i can definitely make it on my own...I want him to leave and not return...I don't want to deal with him anymore...I am ready to heal and move on...

[NatoPMT]

i am so sorry for your situation, i cant imagine what you must be going through.

 

have made your decison now - that you dont want to be with him, and you dont want to try any other options to try to work this out?

 

if thats the case - have you got some legal advice? you need to establish where you stand with money, settlements, him being in the house.

 

you mention your families both adore him, do they know whats happened? i assume not... Are your family close by?

 

I hope that you can put this behind you, noone deserves to judge themselves by another persons actions.

 

big hug BB

[genie]

His problem has become your problem and I feel not only do you need legal advice, you need counseling. He has some serious sick issues and as long as you keep them hidden and try to stand by him, I don't think he'll change. He'll just get better at hiding it from you. I know you feel something is wrong with you and that is why he went to prostitutes. That is so untrue. My ex cheated and I felt stupid for not realizing it and for trusting him, and I felt unwanted. I have been divorced 10 years now and still have people come up to me to tell me about my ex's premiscuous affairs. I, finally, no longer feel deteriorated by this. I also could have cheated, but being the person I was, I don't believe in that.

 

What changed my attitude is I thought "Let's just say I would have been the one cheating instead, would that have made him stupid and undesirable". The answer was "no". I was the sick one in the head if would have been doing the cheating. It took me along time to realize that. The only thing I struggle with now is "trust". It's very hard for me to trust men, others seem to pay for what he did.

 

Listen to what others are saying on LS, but I'm trying to tell you to look within yourself and not blame yourself. You have absolutely done nothing wrong. We all seem to try to find the reason why our SO is so weak and we try to help them, well, I'm 40 now and I've gone through a couple of relationships other than my marriage, and it's really done me no good to be the stand by my man and help him. In most cases, they blamed me. My ex husband blamed me and it's really funny that his now marriage has the same problems. I guess he feels that's my fault also. lol

[yellowrose]

Oh dear Lullabelle-

 

My heart genuinely goes out to you honey. I read your words about him choosing to pay for sex over being with you and it really hit me. I discovered that my husband was having sex online with "friends" of mine and it broke my heart. How hurt you must be. Please don't let this damage your self image any more. This is his illness. Men who go to prostitutes would go regardless of whether or not they were married to a specific woman. It's a compulsion, not something that you yourself trigger. Do not blame yourself. He would have done this no matter who he was with.

 

You sound like a very strong woman. Keep your act together. Don't let him drag you down with him. It hurts so much right now, I know. But believe me when I say it will get better. Every day will get better and better, little by little. Someone told me these words a year ago and I didn't see the light that they were describing at that time. But you'll just have to believe me, you will get to a point where you can sit in your home and have a good time laughing over something silly with friends. It will happen. I promise. I know it's hard to ever see yourself happy again right now. But it will come.

 

I gained a little weight through my marriage, but a stupid little happy side-effect of divorce is the "diet" that the stress of it all brings. I've lost 2 dress sizes and am now at the size I was when I met him, before the baby. So don't sweat the weight. You'll be more active, out with friends, doing things...that will fall right off. Don't give it a second thought.

 

Do you want to work through things with him? If he went to intensive therapy, would you be willing to see it through?

 

Either way, you have people here who are right behind you. Take care doll, read and post often. It's a fantastic source of strength. It has been for me.

 

-Yr

[BlueHeavens]

Oh, what news!

 

Please, even though it may have been a while since you had a physical relationship with him, consider getting tested for diseases such as HIV or Hepatitis...

 

My feeling is that it's not your responsibility if he is sad and whiny and starts down the emotional road of self harm. Those are his choices...and it is his choices that have brought you to this point. His behavior is not what I would call upstanding but I just can't see how it might reflect upon you. Please don't make yourself feel worse about this situation by somehow blaming yourself.

 

If you are feeling strong enough, I think you should at least try a separation, and if he is able to live "the straight and narrow" during that time...well, maybe you can consider some form of reconciliation. Meanwhile, be grateful that you can support yourself well enough to do something like that...

[lullabelle]

Thank all of you so much for your words of support and encouragement. After a huge teary and emotional fight two nights ago, my husband took a huge chunk of our savings and left. He is now on a cross-country drive to his mother's house. He had no emotions when he left and did not feel sorry at all for what he had done to me. He still felt that everything was my fault and that I was unloving and uncaring.

 

The first two nights have been so hard. I'm crying endlessly and uncontrollably and have been unable to sleep, just keep replaying all the scenes in my mind. Although I love and hate him at the same time and realize that I can no longer be with him, my heart hurts so much that I almost can't take it. How can someone I loved so much and tried so hard to help have no feelings or remorse about any of things he's done. Right now he's on a road adventure and called to tell his family that he will be spending some time in a mountain state before returning to them. This makes me so upset - because here I am suffering and abandoned with all our bills and emotional loss and he is incredibly happy about his new freedom and has written me out of my life so quickly. I don't want him back but the fact that he never wanted to fight for me or our marriage hurts me so deep inside. I don't know if it is normal to be feeling this - but how I feel right now is more than I ever imagined pain could feel like.

 

I finally told my family and his family and told them about our situation. My parents have been very supportive, however his family has become very defensive and told me that they will wait to hear his side. It broke my heart that they really had no concern about me, only that their favorite son and brother return to them and away from me. I know that they feel that it is my fault. They've never liked me because I did not want to have children yet (due to our problems). Grandchildren were the most important things to these people. I knew that they've never really liked me all along, but now I can see it clearly now that they've never cared about me.

 

Right now I am crying my eyes out with the heaviest heart in the world, trying to figure out what I need to do with the rest of my life. I know that he will never contact or talk to me again since now he has gotten exactly what he wanted - a way out. I have to figure out how to manage our finances because I know that he will take no part in helping me. What can I do? I had to go back to work with no sleep and puffy eyes and pretend to everyone that nothing is wrong although some of my close co-workers sensed that there is. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this right now as it makes me so emotional and cry endlessly. I didn't know it would so hard - I need so much your help and support. I thank you all so much for being here for me. I have nobody else.

[FolderWife]

How do you know he left with no remorse? That's how I feel about my husband. He's still going to blame the ruin of our marriage on me, he's not going to miss me, or even care that I'm gone.

 

How do I know that though? Just because he puts on a front like he isn't hurting, or that he doesn't care, and all of that, how do we know what they're really thinking inside?

 

Maybe the cry in the shower when no one's looking. My husband acts like he hates his mom, and like he doesn't miss her, or care anything about her, because she left him as a kid.....

 

but...

 

His aunt was telling a story about how she mistreated him when he was little, and he started BAWLING.

 

Just because these men want everyone to think they don't love us, they don't miss us, and they don't care a thing about us, doesn't mean that's really how they feel.

 

If he doesn't miss you yet, one day he probably will. He's just not wearing his heart on his sleve like you are. He led you to believe he blames you for the break up, but really that's to ease his own guilt, because he knows what a LOSER he is, but it's hard to admit that to yourself.

[lullabelle]

I truly believe he has no remorse. He always thought that I was trying to control his life, even though all I was trying to do was help him get on the right path. I discovered this morning that he has been stealing checks from me and trying to forge my name on them. I found a sheet with his handwriting, trying to sign my name over and over. This made me incredibly upset. He also has had a longstanding gambling problem - which is another story in itself. How can someone be so cruel? I think he's truly happy now and I have to accept that I never meant anything to him. He's always been the one to try to escape our problems. Now he has found ultimate freedom and is happy knowing that I have taken the fall and left to deal with everything. Heaven help me.

[Miakal]

I just about fell outta my chair when I read your story! Are we married to the same man????!!!! Okay, minus the hookers. (I hope )

 

Let this guy go have his little mountain adventure. May he sit down to picnic upon a mound of really pissed off army ants!!!!

 

All joking aside....

 

He does not deserve you.

 

I think this is beyond couples counseling. Even if he were to stop seeing other women, I wonder if you could ever trust him again...??? He has no concern for your welfare...emotionally or physically.

 

Allow yourself to grieve. Get yourself into counseling if you feel the need. It will all get better in time. I know that sounds soooo cliche but it is so true. Thank Dog....right now, you have the house and everything in it. Get legal advice right away and make sure you are protected!

 

This guy has serious problems that were most certainly there before you came along. Don't blame yourself....you did not cause this. Don't blame the other women....as they were just doing their job. Ugh.

 

Find your center....stay compassionate...smile at yourself in the mirror at least once a day...buy yourself some flowers...listen to some good music...stay healthy...tell yourself that your life will only get better! When the intense grief wears off...you will feel lighter. As he took all of his "baggage" with him.

 

After a few days in the mountains....he will go back to mommy to be enabled to remain a selfish little boy. After that gets old...he will discover what he has lost. Most likely, he will try to get you back.

 

By that time, you will have had time to heal a little....you will be stronger...and you will make the right decision.

 

 

 

[virginia70065]

You know, I must not have a heart. When my cheating, abusive husband finally broke the straw on the camel's back, I left his ass HIGH AND DRY in our apartment (he didn't have a job, I supported EVERYTHING) and yes, I lost a lot of material stuff....But damn! was it worth it! He cried, screamed, said he was going to be homeless, he was hungry, he was going to kill himself, and my response to him would be : "WHO CARES? BLAH BLAH BLAH"

 

And guess what? 10 years late the a-hole is still alive and kicking, making a new generation of women miserable (his current girlfriend tracked me down for advice. I told her "Run, girl, run and DON'T LOOK BACK!)

 

My point?

 

Don't cry over GARBAGE. If he disregarded your feelings when he went looking for hookers, why should you cry over him? I know that sounds tough and cold--but I don't believe spending one second of emotion on trash. And if his family doesn't believe you--BFD. Having their approval/support won't change anything, unless HE wants to do something about what he did to you. Get up, be strong, attack him in the courts--make him suffer legally. Get that baby man to grow up, QUICK.

 

I am sorry if I come off sounding bitter and hateful--it's just that I'm tired of these garbage disguised as human beings making other people suffer. I hope he enjoys his "mountain state" adventure. If there's a God, he'll drive off a cliff.

[anonymous male]

Thank you for your open and honest post. I'm sorry about your husband being an idiot. I don't think very highly of most guys.

 

Being a guy, I'm not sure I've ever really heard a woman's side to infidelity. I have found all of your ex-husband's forms of selfishness tempting in some way at some point in my life. I often find even this good life that I have can be boring or depressing. Sometimes it's hard to just accept that life isn't all about feeling good. Sometimes it's about doing good. Your post has reminded me how important it is to honor my wife with purity. Thanks.