Surfer203 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Well, time for an update. Things have been improving for the most part. My wife has held a new job for about 1 1/2 - 2 months now. She is not going out as frequently. She no longer hangs out with her male friend. She is generally more respectful of me and we get along pretty well. Now the question is, how do we take this to the next level? I think getting back into MC is VERY important. We are both still going to IC. She claims she is burdened with guilt and shame for what she did and it drives a wedge between us. How do we get over this hump and become happy again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Furthermore, I have been living for MYSELF finally. I am going out with friends more, hiking, biking, surfing, skateboarding, socializing, etc. Finally I am enjoying the world a bit more even with the crippling pain of not having my marriage be exactly what I want it to be. I feel living for myself will help me no matter how my marriage ends up. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Surfer I am glad to hear it I think part of my success with my present GF is being able to think outside of the box, by that I mean that I am always looking for something new too explore, such as the local rock and mineral collection, today it is her first visit to a botonical garden, in the past it has been races at the quarter mile track, giant trucks, window shopping in the swank areas, even art gallerys, just for the heck of it to see how other lives, ,chocolate candy making, pasta making, also, I am always looking for new recipies for us to try Halloween is coming up, made her a special little table, about 8 inches wie to go between the back of teh couch and the wall to put her halloween figures on Next week will be putting up a couple of strings of orange lights in the drive way, and a string of jack-o-lantern and ghost lights. The whole idea is to keep our lives interesting and her wanting to come home every night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 2.50: That's my goal, to keep her wanting to come home at night. It's not always a picnic though. There is still some resentment and bad feelings lingering. I hope we can push through them. I am giving it my all and I am not sure that she is giving it her all unfortunately. At least the hostile atmosphere in the house has diminished a bit. To me it's now time to improve things and build upon the foundation we have. Things are calm, now time to get the love and passion back. I just need some more suggestions on how I can help this along. She hasn't bailed on me yet, she is following my rules. It strikes me that she would have left again if she had her mind made up about leaving me. Confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Surfer I am glad to hear it I think part of my success with my present GF is being able to think outside of the box, by that I mean that I am always looking for something new too explore, such as the local rock and mineral collection, today it is her first visit to a botonical garden, in the past it has been races at the quarter mile track, giant trucks, window shopping in the swank areas, even art gallerys, just for the heck of it to see how other lives, ,chocolate candy making, pasta making, also, I am always looking for new recipies for us to try Halloween is coming up, made her a special little table, about 8 inches wie to go between the back of teh couch and the wall to put her halloween figures on Next week will be putting up a couple of strings of orange lights in the drive way, and a string of jack-o-lantern and ghost lights. The whole idea is to keep our lives interesting and her wanting to come home every night. Mr. 2.5, I had pretty much sworn off of posting on LS after the last responses I received to my contributions. But reading you post here has brought me out of hiding. I too, have Halloween figurines. Halloween is my favorite holiday. For you to construct that special display table for your GF's Haloween memorabilia is nothing less than the most thoughtful thing I can imagine. You know me, I could word this up "real fancy like," but your gesture is so damn bloody sweet I am speechless, this just killed me. Bravo 2.5! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 it seems like you two are in "full roommate mode" now surf... you're doing your thing and she is doing hers... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Surfer...respectfully my friend...to me it sounds as though things have gotten better by ignoring the problems and avoiding conflict...not through any actual effort to address the problems and resolving them. That avoids the conflict...alleviates the short term stress...but typically sets the stage for future conflict and a repeat of the behaviors that weren't addressed this time around. You could try MC...you can try IC. But, I'd caution you to realize that you're not going to "fix" anything without addressing the problems...which will inevitably increase stress levels in the short term...which is the specific thing you've worked up to this point to avoid. I don't have a good answer for you. Give it a shot...but recognize that facing and resolving problems is NEVER a stress-free thing. If you want to take it to the next level, you're going to have to WORK to get it there. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Surfer...respectfully my friend...to me it sounds as though things have gotten better by ignoring the problems and avoiding conflict...not through any actual effort to address the problems and resolving them. That avoids the conflict...alleviates the short term stress...but typically sets the stage for future conflict and a repeat of the behaviors that weren't addressed this time around. You could try MC...you can try IC. But, I'd caution you to realize that you're not going to "fix" anything without addressing the problems...which will inevitably increase stress levels in the short term...which is the specific thing you've worked up to this point to avoid. I don't have a good answer for you. Give it a shot...but recognize that facing and resolving problems is NEVER a stress-free thing. If you want to take it to the next level, you're going to have to WORK to get it there. For once I agree with Owl, However, it's clear his wife still doesn't want to do the heavy lifting! It's only a matter of time before she finds another boyfriend, OM#2! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 andy: Yeah.. that's kind of the case. Owl and Darth: You are right about the heavy lifting being done by me mainly. She has put in efforts, in my eyes they are not as recognizable as mine. I think the potential is still there for this to be a great marriage. Just needs a bit of work to get back on track. I am fully mentally prepared for it not to work out however. I am finally at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 you may want to be honest with her. tell her the way you two are participating in this M isn't working for you - that it's not enough for you to be happy in the M. tell her what you expect from her. tell her what YOU intend to change. tell her what she can also expect if things don't change. set a boundary based on honest communication. follow through with the consequence if your ideals don't align - or if her intentions and actions don't match yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 andy: Yeah.. that's kind of the case. Owl and Darth: You are right about the heavy lifting being done by me mainly. She has put in efforts, in my eyes they are not as recognizable as mine. I think the potential is still there for this to be a great marriage. Just needs a bit of work to get back on track. I am fully mentally prepared for it not to work out however. I am finally at that point. OK...you know me, Surfer. I'm an "action-oriented advice giver". I don't do well with abstracts...but concrete actions. So where are the ACTIONS in your post that demonstrate change? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I think the potential is still there for this to be a great marriage. Just needs a bit of work to get back on track. . does your wife agree? what work? be specific... IMO me and every single woman in my age range have the potential to have a great marriage, but I'd have to meet her, then we'd have to get to know each other, then we would have to open up to each other about everything... get it? potential means squat unless you DO the work, and that menas both of you! this may become the third marathon thread that you started on this subject. I know you are still hurting but please start acting on this, unless you are happy with a roommate (I hope she pays you rent...) Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Dude read your original post and your sheer patheticness makes me sad. What a life you live. I'm not sure posting a nasty response like that was helpful in any way. Step off. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Yeah WTF? You resurrect a 2-week old thread in order to read an 11-month old story, just to insult the guy? What's your problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It's a troll, or a hydra-troll. Report it and drive on. Bout all the attention it's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thanks for backing me up guys. I am hoping that is a bot otherwise he is a real moron. If anything I can hold my head up knowing that I have given fixing my marriage everything I have. Things have stabilized as I mentioned... I want to accelerate the rebuilding of our marriage but I realize that it will take time. My wife had silly expectations that are clearly not happening. I have explained to her that this will take time. Hopefully it will turn out well. I am getting more respect from her now and things don't like as awful as they once did. I still am by no means feeling confident, just better. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thanks for backing me up guys. I am hoping that is a bot otherwise he is a real moron. If anything I can hold my head up knowing that I have given fixing my marriage everything I have. Things have stabilized as I mentioned... I want to accelerate the rebuilding of our marriage but I realize that it will take time. My wife had silly expectations that are clearly not happening. I have explained to her that this will take time. Hopefully it will turn out well. I am getting more respect from her now and things don't like as awful as they once did. I still am by no means feeling confident, just better. this looks like the way people describe their lives when they are complacent - living in "the status quo"... i'm glad you are "better" - but it's going to take action and change for you to get to a point where it can possibly be "happy!" your words read like you have "settled" - and that is just not good enough! if you aren't happy with the way things are - start changing everything - at least that way you have a chance that somethings MAY get better! Link to post Share on other sites
joseph17 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 The only way to get over these kind of feelings is to talk about it. Without communication and feeling comfortable with each other it will never work. So talk about how you guys feel and where you are going. Great to hear things are getting better Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 You can all call me troll I only speak the truth because she has made every important decision in this marriage over the past year. To be honest I agree, and that's why I stopped posting to this thread. I would have put a stick of dynamite under this marriage long ago...like I did to my own. Not much to say or advise now because my advice isn't relevant. That said, it is his life, his marriage, his decision. His support system here advises him well. If you don't respect that, fine. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around what you're trying to accomplish? Actually she doesnt make a choice here she just has her cake and eats it too because he cannot make a decision of his own. That's where I disagree. You or I don't know what surfer can, or can't do. We know what he's done. There is a difference. What's happened has, what's happening now is what's important. I think...hope, he knows that. Hang in there surfer. You don't need agreement to make good decisions, you need a clear vision of what you want. Are you confident what that is? Link to post Share on other sites
Farrah Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Tread carefully my friend.You know your trust is shattered.Im in it. My worlds not what I thought it was....now everything he says sounds like a lie... Well, time for an update. Things have been improving for the most part. My wife has held a new job for about 1 1/2 - 2 months now. She is not going out as frequently. She no longer hangs out with her male friend. She is generally more respectful of me and we get along pretty well. Now the question is, how do we take this to the next level? I think getting back into MC is VERY important. We are both still going to IC. She claims she is burdened with guilt and shame for what she did and it drives a wedge between us. How do we get over this hump and become happy again? Link to post Share on other sites
Farrah Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Yes communication is key as long as both parties are functional... The only way to get over these kind of feelings is to talk about it. Without communication and feeling comfortable with each other it will never work. So talk about how you guys feel and where you are going. Great to hear things are getting better Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Some of what you all are saying is resonating with me. Today I woke up and drove to work. I was angry, I want to just tell her I expect major changes or it's over. I am tired of creeping along in terms of progress. I want more action, more comfort and assurance that she is in this for the long haul and that I am not wasting my time. Thinking about having a major conversation with her in the next few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 What specific ACTIONS do you need her to take? If you're going to insist on change (which is a good thing in my book), make sure you can clearly define and spell out that change to her...so that she clearly understands what you need and why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 It must be done Owl. I will make my needs heard, I will make the consequences known. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 It must be done Owl. I will make my needs heard, I will make the consequences known. then you must be willing to take ACTION... some say communicate - that only goes SO far - especially when one person is telling you everything you want to hear instead of how they feel or how they INTEND to participate - then on the backside DOING whatever they wish, knowing that their actions don't match their words and their actions are harmful. IF she isn't DOING what you expect of her in this M - then you need to state what ACTION you will take. Link to post Share on other sites
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