Steadfast Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Rob: I know I shouldn't care at this point but it's still a bit of a mind f***. I am not a mind reader, I am not a detective, I may never know. Part of me wants to know. I would love to be able to turn her down if she wants to get back with me, I would love to crush her in that way. Most know insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. That's what this thread has turned into. Insanity. All good advice, typed over and over (and over!) answered with "I know, but..." You are not moving forward surfer; you're regressing. Not only are you weak and needy, but when backed into a corner, vindictive. All of these things in and of themselves are difficult to overcome, but combined they guarantee prolonged suffering. Who wants to suffer? You do, obviously. IMO, if you can't have love and fulfillment in your life, you'll fill it with other emotions. Basically, you're batting a thousand; every move wrong. Let the drama and games continue while life wastes away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 PNP: Yeah.. I see what you mean. No matter what they know that their daughter is a POS. reboot: Yeah? I hope it does not take me that long to get over this s***. 2.50: Haha, thanks for the laugh. 2sunny: I really feel that I am not engaging her... but I guess I am. Will have to hold back even further. That's why I have been trying to keep busy, so I avoid her more often. I just started at a new Yoga studio, signed up the other day. Anyway, I don't want to be any one's doormat.. I didn't realize I was being that, I thought I was being compassionate and loving. I guess not. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Surfer Tis all true, they get all kinds of attention, expecially from men, starting around age 15, and it get ingrained into their pschy that they are entitled, similar to that as a star athelete, the world owes them a living, and they can do no wrong. My Ex was fold out material, long legs, seveal inches taller than me, built, strawberry blonde with just the right amount of Doris Day freckles. She been hit on from the age of 14, at age 16 she could go into a bar without being carded. She knew what she had and used it to get almost anything she wanted from any male who was old enough to get an erection That is until she met me, almost from the moment we met she let me know she was available and I let her know that I was not interested. She would later tell me she had never been turned down before, and this only made her more interested. I became a challange, a bad boy to tame She focus's her sexuality on me and two and a half years later, she won, I married her. Now, I am no longer a challange, and she drops her walls and begins listening to seveal OM's, and she loses interest in me. Being as we are married I try to make it work, and this only make me even less interesting in her eyes. Comes the day I catch her kissing the OM, I kick her to the curb and she moves in with the OM and I lose all interest in her. Due to my total lack of interest in her, I detach and make no contact, which gets her to begin to question her actions. A month goes by, she comes by the apartment to rub her affair in my face, but at the same time is curious why I am ignoring her. Her suspcions turn out to be true, I too have slept with someone else. And once again she is instantly in love with me. Even got down on her knees begging me to give us another chance. And it only got worse as I let her know, it was forever. It was 3 to 4 years later, before she finally threw in the towel and gave up on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 2.50 - Great story man. I really LOVE how you write. I can imagine everything as if it were my own reality or as if I knew you personally. You are the man. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I really feel that I am not engaging her Dude, you are. You called her last night when she wasn't home, that is engaging. You asked why she was upset, that is engaging. You said good morning to her THAT IS ENGAGING. Dude................ you know all this! You need to STOP talking to her like she is your wife, and start talking to her like she is BITCH EX, ie. not at all. I thought I was being compassionate and loving. I guess not. Nope, you were being passive-aggressive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 PNP: I guess I am. I will stop. And I thought I was being passive-assertive at best. Not aggressive really.. well maybe some times when we get into an argument. I can't help that. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Surfer...re-reading this thread, I have to ask the question of YOU... How is the current situation any different today than it was two months ago? I know you're going to say that you FEEL different about her. But...your ACTIONS don't show any difference today than they did two months ago. You're still wanting her to behave one way, and you're still getting upset when she doesn't. Nothing different today than it was then. You're still in the exact same situation you've been in all along. YOUR ACTIONS DON'T INDICATE THAT YOU REQUIRE CHANGE. She's not changing...you know that. But you're still doing the same thing you've always done. See what I'm trying to tell you here? Surfer - this is exactly what I see. So are you going to answer Owl? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 2.50 - Great story man. I really LOVE how you write. I can imagine everything as if it were my own reality or as if I knew you personally. You are the man. It's interesting how you associate and attach to a story of a man that was so used by a woman. It says a lot about where you are focused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Lifesontheup: Thanks for posting that because I actually missed Owl's post on the first go around! Owl: What has changed, let's see. We sleep in separate beds, don't hang out together, don't watch tv together, don't communicate through out the day, don't see each other much at all. The marriage is done... just trying to get out of it now finally. Waited too long. Things that haven't changed... I still love her, I still worry about her, I still wish things would have worked out. That's about it. Sorry if it seems like I am still waiting for her to get her act together because that is not he case. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I believe your title in this thread is true. YOU are still hanging on = hanging on to nothing. It's time to break free = let go! STOP hanging on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 2sunny: I like the way he writes... he is a good story teller. That's all, I think he is a nice guy who since day one has tried to help me - for that - he is the man. I am hanging on to nothing, you're right. I can't wait to prove you all wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Lifesontheup: Thanks for posting that because I actually missed Owl's post on the first go around! Owl: What has changed, let's see. We sleep in separate beds, don't hang out together, don't watch tv together, don't communicate through out the day, don't see each other much at all. The marriage is done... just trying to get out of it now finally. Waited too long. Things that haven't changed... I still love her, I still worry about her, I still wish things would have worked out. That's about it. Sorry if it seems like I am still waiting for her to get her act together because that is not he case. OK...so what are you DOING? I know you've tried to setup an appt with an attorney or two. Scheduled yet? Have you started working out the division of property? Worked out who is going to remain in the house and where the other person is going to live so that you can get the seperation started? Began actively dividing finances? Have you told her that you are completely done, and that you have engaged an attorney to file for divorce? These are all needed steps. Some of them can take quite a bit of energy and time...which is why they need to be started sooner, rather than later. So have the two of you truly begun the process of seperating/divorcing? Have you truly talked about it and began making the decisions needed to get it moving? Or has it just been referred to, but not actively started? What you described above is indifference to each other...not actively ending the relationship/contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 What do yo think this means? She wants to get back together or that she is just upset about the situation and sad? I think it means she wants to get back together because if she didn't she wouldn't call me to tell me she was upset and cry on the phone (showing her weakness). Now, don't go thinking I will take her back.. I just want to get all of your opinions on what this means. Thoughts on this folks? I'm re-posting in part what I told you a few days ago: I'd like to see you get mad. That would put a fire under your ass to get moving and stand up for your future. And with her pattern of always going back and forth don't be surprised if she has a change of heart again and wants to try it again with you when she realizes all she will lose. You should be prepared for that and remember all the pain she's put you through in the last year. Have a plan ready if she pulls that on you. I think you will see changes in her when you start the divorce proceedings. I think you should become aloof and show no emotions. JMO but I think it will help you in the long term. Grieve when you are alone and keep it to yourself. You are seeing the changes now that I was talking about then. At some point either very soon or later, she will realize what a fool she is and want to re-connect with you. She has always had you wrapped around her little finger and when she realizes that she doesn't anymore, she will try to get you to go back to your old way of treating her. Even if she wants to split, she will still miss the great way you treated her. She may want to split but expect you to still treat her well. She hasn't had any consequences for her poor behavior and it will hurt when she finally lives with the consequences. This of course is all my opinion. I've had friends through my life that treated men this way. They treated them like crap when the guy was swooning all over them. But once the guy gave up, they would be back to trying to charm them. I was the one that always had long term boyfriends that were good relationships because I didn't treat them like that. While the friends that did were always single or just using guys to feed their own egos. Don't fall for your wife's hot and cold emotions. It's only gonna get worse as your divorce goes through. You should get in the habit of not reacting to her now so you can handle it when it gets harder in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
GG2W Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Surfer I too like his posts, he thinks differently than most, such as getting right back on a horse after one has bucked you off 2sunny you missed the point, he got dumped on by the sex bomb that he fell in love with and married. He never tried to get her back, he quickly got back into dating, and her knowing that he had been with another woman triggered her to want to reconcile. But he never did give reconcilation a chance. From some of his other posts, he in fact walked away from the woman he loved very much, and this in turn made him all that much more appealing to his former wife. Strike one and she was out. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 2sunny: I like the way he writes... he is a good story teller. That's all, I think he is a nice guy who since day one has tried to help me - for that - he is the man. I am hanging on to nothing, you're right. I can't wait to prove you all wrong. Surfer, we;re seeing lots of words and no actions. Last Friday you made an excuse about attorneys not working at weekends. 7 Days later you still haven't seen an attorney. Lot's of manyana's from you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 He still loves his wife and he still hopes against hope that she will wake up one day and realize she still loves him too. Then they'll ride off together into the sunset. I understand it. I lived it. Until he finally figures out that isn't going to happen, all the advice in the world is pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I think he is a nice guy who since day one has tried to help me - for that - he is the man. Nice. What about the legion of other posts/posters surfer? IMO you don't want help. You want to be pacified. You want to talk about it. And you do. I can't wait to prove you all wrong. What'll that prove? That you were right and *we* (whoever we is...maybe the people who have contributed hundreds of messages to this thread?) misjudged the situation? News flash: 99% of the responses I've read in this thread have all sincerely offered you advice, insight or encouragement. NOW I'm frustrated. Best wishes surfer. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Allowing another week to pass by without seeing an attorney and FILE the divorce papers gives all the evidence I need to understand YOU don't intend to get divorced. Coupled with communication with your wife when you know she's only participating to manipulate you also shows no change. Stay! You WILL get more of the same as what you've gotten for the past year! Just stay... You know you're going to anyway... Quit wasting your time and energy complaining about something when you don't DO things to change it! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 He still loves his wife and he still hopes against hope that she will wake up one day and realize she still loves him too. Then they'll ride off together into the sunset. I understand it. I lived it. Until he finally figures out that isn't going to happen, all the advice in the world is pointless. Bingo^^^^^^^^^^^ This is why if you look back at Surfers over 1200 posts, he goes around and around in circles. I know you say you are slow to act Surfer, but get real, you are just hoping that some miracle will happen and your wife will suddenly wake up and give a sh$t about you. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 Anyway, I don't want to be any one's doormat.. sounds to me like you are ok with being the doormat, you have done nothing that shows us otherwise... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Sorry for not posting recently folks...I am depressed. My wife is not upset because she made the wrong decision, she is just upset because this is a hard situation and she feels bad. I am so hung up on the why and how, it's tough to push through this and get to a place where I don't care. I had a relapse in terms of my progress. It seems I have hit a brick wall. I need to get past this soon, I can't deal with this pain anymore. Part of me still loves her so much. Geez.. I was getting some where and now I feel stuck again. Thanks for all of the advice and tough love.. I am reading and taking everything in. Some one kick my ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Surfer, I just want to give you a great big hug and say I understand. It's so very painful, I know. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Thanks Lexy, I need hugs and ass kickings. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 The only thing that's gonna give you hope is contrary action - that will bring change - and with change comes hope. Get busy. Start DOING anything - anything EXCEPT things you've already been doing. Change surfer! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I am so hung up on the why and how, it's tough to push through this and get to a place where I don't care. Unreal. Is that what you're waiting for? Moving on and filing for divorce when you don't care anymore? That explains your addiction to abuse. IMO, you're not taking anything in. If you were, you'd understand and acknowledge the emotional pain that people here have experienced going through divorce and separation. The healing comes after the surgery has been preformed and the wound scars over. Maybe you're waiting until you meet someone else so you can transfer your dependency over to them, I don't know. I do know you haven't faced the toughest part of this yet. No one looks forward to it. No one thinks it's fair. Everyone wonders why. The difference between those who move on and those who don't is accepting the reality of the situation and moving on in the hope of a better one. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts