Darth Vader Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) 2sunny: Am I an idiot or pitiful for caring about her still and not wanting her to end up dead or drunk/drugged out of her mind? I still love her and want her to be happy. I am clear that our marriage is over and can't work however.. I am not denying that. I just care about people, it's a gift and a curse. No, you're not an idiot! You caring just shows your still human! How are you doing, how's everything coming along? Edited January 17, 2012 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Darth... thanks man. I am doing okay.. hanging in there. I have finally reached the point where I am indifferent. Look at my wife now and I don't feel anything anymore, those warm fuzzy feelings of love and adoration are gone. Can't believe how long it took after all she put me through this past year and a half. Finally truly ready to move on. Divorce/Mediatation is happening first week of February hopefully (I would do it sooner but I am taking a vacation on my own for a week to de-stress and mellow out a bit). She is going to be moving out as well. I am ready for the future, I want to meet new people (women), make new friends and enjoy life. LIVE life. Can't wait for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am ready for the future, I want to meet new people (women), make new friends and enjoy life. LIVE life. Can't wait for the future. Hallelujah Keep those thoughts at the front of your mind! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Great attitude.. keep it up my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thanks all! Doing my best to be positives and really feel it.. not just fake it. I am leaving for a vacation this Saturday and can't wait. This is going to be a great way to begin my new life. Link to post Share on other sites
mittens22 Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 I was hoping you or someone here could post a summary of your story. I tried reading your threads but they're simply too long but I would like to read your story it really got to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) mittens: My pleasure... quick summary... Married for 8 years.. together for almost 10. Everything was great until September of 2010. My wife met some guy in a club/bar - not sure who approached who but they exchanged numbers and began texting constantly. I caught her on the phone, she said she would never talk to him again. She kept texting regardless and one day said she needed some space and was moving out temporarily. She moved out for 2 months total, the first day after she was gone I figured out she was living with the guy and I was so angry and crushed. Two months later she asks to come home and that she will love me and made the biggest mistake of her life. Things are good for about 3 months. She then tells me she is unhappy. She leads me on for about a year until finally she says she gives up. All the while is going out and hanging out with people and avoiding me and work on our marriage. So, here we are now - time to divorce and we will be using a mediator. Worst year of my life, very hard times. I finall am at a point where I am mostly okay, sad some days but most days are good. I am optimistic about the future. Thanks for your interest in my story. It's been a crazy ride with many very miserable days. PS - She is still living in the same house with me and it's awkward and crappy. Edited January 19, 2012 by Surfer203 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 Had a heart to heart with my wife last night... we both cried and expressed our feelings. Still I have no real answer, she admits that she has no clue what went wrong or how we got to this place. But we agree that it is over and discussed mediation. The good thing is, we finally brought it out into the light - I was wondering about whether she would be requesting alimony or other stuff like that. But no, nothing. We agreed to just split the debt and that's it. Move on, clean cut. However, she did express that she felt I might turn around and lie and be nasty in the divorce - but I won't. I am hurt that she thinks I am capable of that because I have proven nothing but the opposite of her thoughts. Anyway, hoping things go smooth in terms of the divorce. On my way tomorrow for a nice vacation alone. Cant' wait! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 We agreed to just split the debt and that's it. Move on, clean cut. Don't believe it until she has signed on the dotted line buddy. Until then it's just words. How reliable have her words been in the last year? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 So IF she is willing to state in writing what you two agreed to - you have essentially done the work for the mediator. It can be presented in writing to the mediator and then have it approved by a judge. Get her to write it down, date and sign it! Have fun on your vacation!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I'm almost positive that my thoughts on this situation won't be appreciated, but something doesn't jive here. When I was going through my marriage breakup the last thing I wanted to do was go on vacation. It took a couple of years for me to enjoy things like that again. I tried getting away for the odd weekend and was more miserable than ever. I suspect the feeling of unfinished business was looming over my head, or the kids. Maybe it is just my personality and knowing after my vacation the problems I left would still be there. Just a thought, but the time off work would be much better spent getting her OUT OF THE HOUSE and moving towards some sort of workable financial/emotional resolution. For me there was no teary, heart-to-heart understandings, no drama. She was gone and that allowed me to get on with the business of getting on. The WORK. Arg...frustrating. This vacation isn't a new beginning surfer, it's a sad continuation of what you've been doing for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 ^^^^ gotta agree with stead on this one, surf - stop avoiding what you need to do - you should vacation when you are on steady ground and you are both on your own, you're going to fool yourself that "unwinding" will help but when you get back in a week you'll see that nothing has changed... personally I'd rather find myself with less problems a week from now instead of having the same or even more... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I do wish he had the strength to tell her to get out now. Since she doesn't intend to be married - there's not one single reason for her to be living with you. She needs to learn and figure out how to support herself - that is HER concern, NOT YOURS! Yet staying there with you gives her EVERY opportunity to use you as long as you ALLOW her to. Get her out! Tell her she needs to be CONPLETELY moved when you get home.that would be good reason to look forward to coming home... Freedom from what drags you down =HER! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 Well - vacation was great and was necessary in my opinion. It was good to mellow out and be with some friends completely separated from my situation back home. I had such a nice time and came back home with a positive mind set. So... UPDATE: Had a long talk with my stbxw last night we talked out the future and what is happening next. 1. She is moving out when she finds an apartment, her goal is March 1st. 2. We are deciding on a mediator and will be getting the divorce under way next week. 3. We have agreed on how to divide things, debt and the fact that we just want a clean break - that's it. No alimony, no anger, no fighting, no manipulation. 4. She mentioned how she wishes things worked out and that we were just together too much - which squandered her ability to explore the world and experience life. She does still love me very much and cares about me. So... I feel good mostly. I am starting to feel like myself again and can't wait to get this over with and completely move on. I know it won't be easy but I feel the worst has already happened (in my situation at least - others are not so lucky) Thanks again all - I will continue to update occasionally, especially if things get hard emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 Well - vacation was great and was necessary in my opinion. It was good to mellow out and be with some friends completely separated from my situation back home. I had such a nice time and came back home with a positive mind set. So... UPDATE: Had a long talk with my stbxw last night we talked out the future and what is happening next. 1. She is moving out when she finds an apartment, her goal is March 1st. 2. We are deciding on a mediator and will be getting the divorce under way next week. 3. We have agreed on how to divide things, debt and the fact that we just want a clean break - that's it. No alimony, no anger, no fighting, no manipulation. 4. She mentioned how she wishes things worked out and that we were just together too much - which squandered her ability to explore the world and experience life. She does still love me very much and cares about me. So... I feel good mostly. I am starting to feel like myself again and can't wait to get this over with and completely move on. I know it won't be easy but I feel the worst has already happened (in my situation at least - others are not so lucky) Thanks again all - I will continue to update occasionally, especially if things get hard emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) Well - vacation was great and was necessary in my opinion. It was good to mellow out and be with some friends completely separated from my situation back home. I had such a nice time and came back home with a positive mind set. So... UPDATE: Had a long talk with my stbxw last night we talked out the future and what is happening next. 1. She is moving out when she finds an apartment, her goal is March 1st. 2. We are deciding on a mediator and will be getting the divorce under way next week. 3. We have agreed on how to divide things, debt and the fact that we just want a clean break - that's it. No alimony, no anger, no fighting, no manipulation. 4. She mentioned how she wishes things worked out and that we were just together too much - which squandered her ability to explore the world and experience life. She does still love me very much and cares about me. So... I feel good mostly. I am starting to feel like myself again and can't wait to get this over with and completely move on. I know it won't be easy but I feel the worst has already happened (in my situation at least - others are not so lucky) Thanks again all - I will continue to update occasionally, especially if things get hard emotionally. page 32 and your`re still not listening to everyone, maybe redo your sig? question?.....thought she was moving out while you were away? not going to look back through your thread,( wasted enough of my time on russels, someone else that got good advice and blew it :S) but i seem to remember you saying that? so nows its march??? and then what ?..july? october? surfer i feel for you so so much, think if we ever met for a drink or 2 we`d get on like a house on fire but come on.... re`read your old thread or change your sig...or better still....change yourself good luck m8 Edited February 3, 2012 by coopster too clarify and hopefully make a point!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 coopster: No no no! You aren't following. I said that I HOPE she moves out while I'm gone on vacation but she didn't. She is finding an apartment with a friend (female, that I know). Generally you can't move into apartments until the 1st of the month. So... that's the case in this situation. I am completely moving on and feel great. Anyway, if I am ever in the UK we will meet up for a pint - same goes for you ever visit New York. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 So - still living in the future of what ifs... She will move out today IF you set that boundary. Yep, she would! I see people move all the time when they get thrown out! When she has no options - she will move. In the meantime - she will use you for everything you will allow! Stop allowing ANY of it! Moving forward means she doesn't need to be there with you! She's a big girl - she will find a way to make it work when she doesn't have you fixing it for her! Sheez - take care of YOU - and let her find a way to take care of herself! That way you can start living again! Get that toxic mess out of YOUR personal space! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 And since you both agree on the terms for D - just file the papers with the court. Do it today! Waiting until next week... What's to wait for? An agreement is made - just file it! You seem to wait on everything... She knows that's your pattern... A year from now you'll still be waiting - unless you do it today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 2sunny: She uses the excuse that she can not get approved for an apartment in terms of credit until she is off of the mortgage. Could just be an excuse. You are right though, I do wait a lot - I am a procrastinator sometimes.... I don't like it. That's why last night I finally got the guts to lay it all out there and get some answers finally. My situation involves removing her from our mortgage and other stuff that requires a lawyer to help us with. If I could just file papers I would, I could afford to save some money! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 She stopped being your wife a long time ago. She hasn't "acted like" a wife to you for a hell of a long time! That was completely HER choice! There are consequences for what we do and don't do - moving is her consequence - she knows it's been coming a long time - she's had PLENTY of time to prepare for that change - which she instilled - yet she's gonna take this free ride you allow as LONG as she can! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 All excuses. The mediator - back on Jan 11, you said you were getting one. Have you met the mediator yet? Signed an agreement? Nope! Almost ANOTHER month = nothing different! People rent a ROOM everyday! She can rent a room from anyone off Craigslist! That doesn't require credit! She can find a way! Yet - she won't because she knows it's not a necessity for today! Tomorrow never comes! You want things to happen? YOU need to MAKE them happen TODAY! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 2sunny: I get it... I am just not a forceful/assertive person. Although I am evolving into more of one actually. At least this is SOME progress and things are in the works. Thought you all would be happier for me... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 wow, give the guy a break.. I think he is doing the best he can. As long as he is firm with the March 1st boundary, which I believe he will, and gets the mediation going what else can be done? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I never said forceful - its called having a healthy boundary and sticking to it. Don't you get tired of her wiping her filthy feet on your face? That's what this scenario amounts to. She lies and cheats and takes from you. And you just keep allowing her back into your PERSONAL daily space like she's a decent gal. She's not! Stop acting like she's decent! She's a cheater and will take you for anything she can get. Yet you have her there... You worry about her - you comfort her - you shelter her- all the while she stays OUT - out partying and screwing men who she thinks may give her more than you give her. She's using you!!!!! And you are letting her! You have no one to blame but yourself! Every day you keep her there you are inviting her to treat you like $hit - and you know she will - yet it just keeps on and on... Self respect man... She doesn't respect you - because YOU don't respect you. Another year will pass - just like it already has - and you'll be wondering "why is she doing this to me?" because YOU allow it!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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