coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 wow, give the guy a break.. I think he is doing the best he can. As long as he is firm with the March 1st boundary, which I believe he will, and gets the mediation going what else can be done? march 1st of what year we talking? yeah i agree ...he`s doing the `best he can` not for himself thou¬..... surfer i asked you a question in my thread earlier...ignore it. i listen to the advice i get here ... from ppl that have been throu what you and I are going through maybe you more th\n me....but at least i listen...and more important..hear!!! change your sig.... cos i love ya...but ....you still NOT listening Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 This victim role you have yourself in - it's learned from childhood - since it's so normal and comfortable for you to stay in this role of the victim. Break free of that victim role you keep signing up for each day you have her there. Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 This victim role you have yourself in - it's learned from childhood - since it's so normal and comfortable for you to stay in this role of the victim. Break free of that victim role you keep signing up for each day you have her there. 2sunny.... are you his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 2sunny.... are you his wife? No... But most people keep playing the same role they learned in childhood unless they start doing contrary action. That's the way to start change... Waiting for others to do the change that's needed usually never transpires for the passive person - that's why they are the victim of self - they just don't get the courage to BE the ONE to change it. Change is good - especially when someone isn't happy. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 For what it's worth - to play devil's advocate, so to speak - I *do* see the strides that Surfer203 has made. However, this: She uses the excuse that she can not get approved for an apartment in terms of credit until she is off of the mortgage. ...is utter hogwash on her part. She feels the safety net a-slippin' away and she's clinging onto it for as long as she can. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 At this point her disrespect is beside the point... You disrespecting yourself is the biggest issue to tackle. Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 No... But most people keep playing the same role they learned in childhood unless they start doing contrary action. That's the way to start change... Waiting for others to do the change that's needed usually never transpires for the passive person - that's why they are the victim of self - they just don't get the courage to BE the ONE to change it. Change is good - especially when someone isn't happy. ok...i`ll change the question.... you his mum?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 wow... thanks for the support guys and thanks 2sunny for the beating. I get how frustrating my actions seem. I am taking this at a pace I am comfortable with while still feeling like a good person. Maybe I am twisted. It has taken me WAY too long to get to this point. I do feel like I have taken huge steps. For one thing, a couple months ago I was in hell, I was so emotionally destroyed and scared to move on with out my stbxw. Now... I'm not! Finally! That's huge for me and it has given me the strength to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) wow... thanks for the support guys and thanks 2sunny for the beating. I get how frustrating my actions seem. I am taking this at a pace I am comfortable with while still feeling like a good person. Maybe I am twisted. It has taken me WAY too long to get to this point. I do feel like I have taken huge steps. For one thing, a couple months ago I was in hell, I was so emotionally destroyed and scared to move on with out my stbxw. Now... I'm not! Finally! That's huge for me and it has given me the strength to let go. surf,,, while i look forward to having a beer or 2 with you whenever, if and WHEN that happens, don`t take it to heart when i slap you around the head in a `friendly` fashion `doing your best`? you been doing whats best for `her` for how long now?? Edited February 3, 2012 by coopster i just wanst bests fir you...whyy dont you????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 coopster: Ouch man... I don't get why you are so pissed off at me man. Don't forget you were struggling hard and making some bad decision too in terms of your situation. I feel mine has just taken longer than many people to sort out. It's there though, it's nearly done. Everything is in line and there is no turning back. Finally I feel that my only option is to have a new life for real this time.... before I was fooling myself thinking I was moving on. Now it's reality. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 coopster: Ouch man... I don't get why you are so pissed off at me man. Don't forget you were struggling hard and making some bad decision too in terms of your situation. I feel mine has just taken longer than many people to sort out. It's there though, it's nearly done. Everything is in line and there is no turning back. Finally I feel that my only option is to have a new life for real this time.... before I was fooling myself thinking I was moving on. Now it's reality. Really? What's changed? Nothing's changed. She still lives with you -YOU haven't kicked her out... You haven't filed or met with a mediator like you said... She still calls the shots... Seriously - there's no evidence that anything has changed - because you've been waiting for HER to do the change instead of you. Start being that change you need to see. Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 coopster: Ouch man... I don't get why you are so pissed off at me man. Don't forget you were struggling hard and making some bad decision too in terms of your situation. I feel mine has just taken longer than many people to sort out. It's there though, it's nearly done. Everything is in line and there is no turning back. Finally I feel that my only option is to have a new life for real this time.... before I was fooling myself thinking I was moving on. Now it's reality. why am i pissed off with you?....why am i??? lets see....... Link to post Share on other sites
coopster Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 why am i pissed off with you?....why am i??? lets see....... i`m DEALING WITH MINE.....bout time really you dealt with yours eh ?? Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I don't get it... 2sunny why do you keep harping on Surfer to kick his wife out of the house? Even though she hasn't acted like his wife in a very long time (I've followed his threads since the beginning), she is still legally his wife and as far as I know you can't just up and kick your spouse out of the marital home like you keep demanding. He can ask her to leave, even make it kinda sh*tty for her to stay (not a bad idea, imo).. but he can't just "kick her out" like everyone is yelling at him to do. I agree that her excuse of needing to be off the mortgage and not being able to move until the 1st of the month is total BS though. I've never heard of an apartment complex that only lets people move in on one day of the month. That doesn't even make sense from a business standpoint. And yes his wife is treating him like utter crap and totally using him.. But I don't think all of this "KICK HER OUT KICK HER OUT" stuff is logical or helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Because when someone is unhappy - change is good...and necessary for any happiness to be possible. Since she's not INVESTED in REPAIRING the damage she caused - it's best to remove the negativity from his daily life(her) so he can have more space for positive energy. Especially since she looks like she's there not to love and respect him - but mainly to mooch off him as long as he will allow it. Think about it - IF she moved - he COULD get room mates to pay every month... And he probably would meet the mortgage obligation. Change IS good! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 In better terms: When he has handed her so much power over HIS happiness - and she hasn't honored the power he's handed her - it's balanced to take back the power he handed her. ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 Well - vacation was great and was necessary in my opinion... No kidding. 500 posts here alone (not counting the previous mega-thread) and you haven't taken any of the advice you've been given. No surprise. A couple hundred pages back you actually had the nerve to explain how you really didn't appreciate most of it. And while I realize no one was forced to post, you've done nothing to justify the attention you've been given here. This is one of the most insulting forum threads I've ever witnessed. A major waste of time for everyone, you included surfer. You don't want advice, you want attention. Your choice of course, but at least come clean. 4. She mentioned how she wishes things worked out and that we were just together too much - which squandered her ability to explore the world and experience life. She does still love me very much and cares about me. Sigh. So... I feel good mostly. I am starting to feel like myself again and can't wait to get this over with and completely move on. I know it won't be easy but I feel the worst has already happened (in my situation at least - others are not so lucky) You're delusional, and in much worse shape than when you first posted here, IMO. It has been, and will remain all about feelings, feelings, feelings. Take heart in the fact that you are not the exception surfer, you are the rule. Most men -especially ones under the influence of attraction- will allow themselves to be used and manipulated for as long as the woman wishes. IMO, you're not suffering from procrastination, you have deep-seated fear that has been and remains stronger than your judgement. Typically, you fight to defend it and embrace those who support that fear. It takes strength and courage to 'step out of the box' and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 A definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results. No I am not talking to you Surfer I am talking to 2sunny, Steadfast, coopster and all the others on this thread. We keep telling him these same things over and over and expecting a different result? Guys, it is NOT going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Tired of getting beat up on here. So I won't respond to any abusive people. Not posting anymore until I have divorced. Wife is moving out in a couple weeks. I am meeting new people.... females. Not dating but just being friendly. I feel 95% back to my old self and am finally happy again. I am perky at work again and enjoy interacting with people. I have grown a huge amount, took me a friggin year and a half which I regret but things take time. This is not BS, I am being completely sincere. I have no reason to lie to people over the internet. Thanks for your support, even if you beat me up a bit. I deserved it for being so f'ing stubborn. Stupid. New comers here, LISTEN UP. However, if you feel misguided and confused, follow your heart no matter what any one else has to say. Again, the reason I continued posting here was for support - not necessarily advice but comfort, compassion and people who can relate to me so I didn't feel like an alien. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Steadfast: It hasn't been a waste of time. The lot of you have kept me from killing myself - no lie. I was close to the edge and having you all to support me was enough to get me through the REALLY hard times. I swear on that. Thank you all. Your efforts are all appreciated and I feel connected to many of you in some weird way. I am thankful for finding this place!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Start posting for OTHERS to learn from YOUR experience. Give back! It helps both sides! Getting "out of yourself" is the fastest way to begin the healing! Give - to people here who need your insight and experience about what to do and what not to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 2sunny: I have been trying to do that all along. Now I feel like I really am in a position to do so. I've traveled the painful road through severe depression into acceptance and recovery. I am at peace with the situation and the death of my marriage. I am okay with it. I am here and will continue to try to help others. Take my advice for whatever it is people. Just another insight to these type of situations, that's all. Hope I can help others as I have been helped here. Again, for me this site gave me what I was looking for, comfort not necessarily the solution to me problems. Only I could get make myself happy again, not taking advice - just had to work things out mentally at my own pace. Regardless, thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 The more you get busy helping others = the less depressed you will feel. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Start posting for OTHERS to learn from YOUR experience. Give back! It helps both sides! Getting "out of yourself" is the fastest way to begin the healing! Give - to people here who need your insight and experience about what to do and what not to do. Yes I agree, I post here lots, it helps my healing process!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 I agree with you! Happy to give back in any way I can. There are a few folks from this board that I actually talk to offline too, we talk about our issues and support each other. Good stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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