Still hanging on...

[Ms. Red]

 

2sunny: Why are you attacking me now, a page back you were giving me advice! I'm confused.

 

I was confused a page back coz that is nothing like the 2S I know. Now she's sounding like herself.

 

I think you know what you're getting yourself into and you know if you are ready or not. You know yourself best.

 

I think you have a good plan. Go out and have a good casual time. Let her know up front that you are separated and that's it. If she wants to know why, make the answer short and tell her you'd like to think of more positive things while you are with her. Then change the subject to something positive.

 

Good luck bud and have a good time!

 

[[[[HUGS]]]]

Edited March 7, 2012 by Ms. Red

[Ms. Red]

If your date were to post in a couple other forums that we have here, she would be bombarded with posts to RUN from you. She would be told that you are a lying sack of $hit and she's a fool for even considering dating you. Some ppl believe that separated ppl should in no way ever date or even talk to the other sex (ok, that's a stretch but it does seem like that sometimes) until waaaay after the divorce is final.

 

This is your life Surfer. Do it your way. I have faith in you that you will be cautious. You're not a fool who is going into this date blindly. It's like some ppl think you're all ready betrothed to your date. LoL

[2.50 a gallon]

As for waiting for an official Divorce from the state. Total BS.

 

You took your vows with your Ex before God. The second she commited adultery and broke the vows the marriage was over. The state is no more than an expensive record keeper. Divorce is an industry

 

When my Ex and I broke up, I was like you and pretty screwed up. I spent a month in he// thinking that I could never be happy again. Then one day a pretty face looked down at me in my hole of despair and asked it I wanted to come out and play.

 

And a second later I was out of my hole and flying with the eagles. And never looked back. It was one of the smartest things that I have ever done

 

Shortly after that I hooked up with a co-worker who herself had just kicked her husband out of her life. Alas, I listened to the advice of others that it was too soon for the both of us and broke it off. It was about a year later that I finally figured out that I had made a major mistake. And then it was too late

 

It was another dozen years before I was lucky enough to find some one special. And I did not repeat that mistake. I found out she was available 2 weeks after she broke up with her long term live in bf. And two weeks after that we went out for the first time. And have happily been together for over 16 years.

 

Surfer, go out date, have fun, keep it casual, get to know each other.

 

And if love knocks. Answer!

 

It might be another dozen years if ever

[Steadfast]

Lots of point, counter-point going on here. And passionately. Obviously, many of us see some of ourselves in surfer. Mistakes or not. Some might see this thread as some kind of contest; whose advice will he take?

 

It's a given the poster will do what he wants to. He's proven that over and over in the past and given many reasons explaining why. After remaining in pain for much longer than he should have, he took the position of "I should have listened" and put it on his signature. Anyone remember that?

 

Fact: It takes -on average- a couple of years post-divorce before people start to rediscover themselves again. At that time, the heart and the head begin to work in harmony again; the head equipped with better methods for fairly sustaining relationships, and the heart healed and open. I remember being told that and scoffing. I won't allow my ex to take that much of my life away! But the time flew by...almost too quickly.

 

And while we can agree it's somewhat different for everyone, the reality of the situation is a good base of understanding. After all, isn't the object to heal and grow into a stronger, wiser, happier person?

 

You took your vows with your Ex before God. The second she commited adultery and broke the vows the marriage was over. As for waiting for an official Divorce from the state. Total BS.

 

Agree 2.50. But it wasn't over for him. IMO, this is a valid point. One's view on marriage put aside, it is a commitment that changes you forever. We may not like it, but society and the single women living in it will have strong opinions regarding his martial status. That position won't faze them.

 

Surfer, go out date, have fun, keep it casual, get to know each other.

 

And if love knocks. Answer!

 

It might be another dozen years if ever

 

Strongly disagree. IMO, this reeks of desperation and reactionary fear. If the opportunity to drive in a Formula One GP presented itself but you had no formal training, would knowing you could die (or kill someone else) keep you out of the car? Even knowing you might not get asked again?

 

What I'm advising is common sense. Not a moral life-sentence. He could (and again, IMO probably would be) jeopardizing a real and viable future by making the wrong decisions now. At the very least, the strong possibility that surfer could end up more unhappy than ever exists.

[marqueemoon4]

How about this Steadfast-----

 

twice divorced by 36 male, walked away from both marriages.. while separated from 2nd wife, meets 30yr old separated (WAW) for 4-6mos woman, with 4yr old son living at parents house. "Man" invites woman and child to live with him in empty townhouse after knowing each other for 6mos. Within A YEAR of knowing each other woman gets preg.

 

sounds like a recipe for disaster doesn't it? any rational human being would say thats the worst idea ever and will end horribly, right? well. it could totally work out and they could live happily ever after, right?

 

so, in surfers situation.. going on a date to build confidence again, and move forward I don't really see an issue as long as he is rational about the whole thing.

[LifesontheUp]

Yep, Surfer will do what he wants, but it doesn't stop people giving advice.

 

I said it yesterday and I stand by it, WAY too soon.

 

Surfer you have a co-dependant personality, you are highly likely to set yourself up for a whole load more heartache.

 

Divorce is devastating, and I've looked back on your posts and only a couple of months ago you were missing her and wanting it to work. Sorry but I really do think its too soon.

 

You have a lot of baggage to sort through from all that has gone on in your life the last couple years. Deal with the baggage before even thinking of involving someone else.

[2.50 a gallon]

Steadfast

 

Thank you for the F1 analogy, as it proves my point.

 

Actually the cars, with their aerodynamic bodies and paddle shifters, it does not take that much of a learning curve to drive them at high speed.

 

And should you crash, the best advice, like falling off a horse, is to get back in a race car as quickly as possible.

[marqueemoon4]

Steadfast

 

Thank you for the F1 analogy, as it proves my point.

 

Actually the cars, with their aerodynamic bodies and paddle shifters, it does not take that much of a learning curve to drive them at high speed.

 

And should you crash, the best advice, like falling off a horse, is to get back in a race car as quickly as possible.

 

I'm not starting an F1 vs NASCAR debate.. but that whole belief that F1 cars drive themselves is preposterous.. yea you can drive it at high speed.. right into a brick wall.

[LifesontheUp]

Absolutely, fall off a horse and get back up.

 

Emotionally investing in someone so soon when baggage hasn't been dealt with, will take a great deal longer than just popping back on the horse. It can take years to deal with, unless of course you just keep finding new horses to ride

[Surfer203]

Well, I will say... I love all of you for giving me advice, I really appreciate it. I am not looking for a long term relationship and I am also planning on being honest with this woman. There will be no deception and I will put it all out there. It's up to her if she wants to get involved and on what level. Totally casual.

 

For me, this is what I need right now. I feel SO much better mentally, it's night and day from where I was prior. We have made peace and my stbxw and I are on friendly terms (not friends - friendly) and I have accepted everything that has transpired in the past 1.5 years.

 

You may not believe it, but I have - we are all different. I was trampled on long enough and I realized - this person is worthless to me and I am so much better than her/this. I have moved on, I know for years it's going to still hurt on some level and I won't deny that I still love her, I always will but for now, I am free bird... soaring in the clouds, content as I look down upon the earth below me.

 

Thank you friends for being in my corner and looking out for my best interest whether we agree or butt heads.. I truly appreciate it.

[andyg99]

Well, I will say... I love all of you for giving me advice, I really appreciate it. I am not looking for a long term relationship and I am also planning on being honest with this woman. There will be no deception and I will put it all out there. It's up to her if she wants to get involved and on what level. Totally casual.

 

.

 

you're "planning" on being honest? correct me if I'm wrong but I think I've read that she doesn't know that you are just separated? don't "plan" on telling her (your track record on "planning" things and not following through is not good based on your threads) call her now and let her know the situation before you spend one moment with her... "it's up to her if she wants to get involved and on what level" - wow that's not exactly taking the bull by the horns! so she calls the shots! what about what you want! c'mon man, you need to be honest with yourself before you are honest with anyone else... right now she should already know that you are recently separated and just looking to have fun, if she is cool with that then go have fun...

[2sunny]

You haven't told this new gal you are newly separated?

 

Sheez, what does she think you are? What did you tell her?

 

Starting out with lies...even half truths or lying by omission does NOT make this a healthy possibility.

 

What have you told her - or lead her to believe?

 

And Surfer - did you discuss this with your counselor? What was the suggestion by the counselor when you said you had a date so soon after the wife moving?

[LifesontheUp]

Emotionally investing?

 

Where you get that from??? He`s going out for drinks, quick coffee, walk along the beach, throwing stones at moving cars, robbing a bank..whatever, with someone of the opposite sex and he`s now `Emotionally investing`??

 

No wonder so many 2nd marriages fail.

 

Go back and read the original threads for Surfer and all the way to a couple of months ago. Unless some miracle has happened there is NO WAY has he dealt with the baggage and fall out of his failed marriage. For someone who is clearly co-dependent to go about dating so soon is a recipe for disaster.

 

What has been learnt? what time has been spent looking at the failures on both his and her side of this?

 

Instead of encouraging someone to take up dating who could so easily end up feeling much worse, you should be encouraging him to FIX the issues that he had and deal with the baggage first.

 

Its not exactly encouring that Surfer hasn't even been HONEST with this lady.

 

Issues issues issues.

 

And just because some people are posting the opposite to go dating, doesn't mean its critisism. Some people are wise enough to have seen and been around long enough to know these things take time instead of throwing yourself back in and REPEATING the same mistakes as before, because you haven't learnt and dealt with them.

Edited March 9, 2012 by LifesontheUp

[Steadfast]

How about this Steadfast-----

 

twice divorced by 36 male, walked away from both marriages.. while separated from 2nd wife, meets 30yr old separated (WAW) for 4-6mos woman, with 4yr old son living at parents house. "Man" invites woman and child to live with him in empty townhouse after knowing each other for 6mos. Within A YEAR of knowing each other woman gets preg.

 

sounds like a recipe for disaster doesn't it? any rational human being would say thats the worst idea ever and will end horribly, right? well. it could totally work out and they could live happily ever after, right?

 

so, in surfers situation.. going on a date to build confidence again, and move forward I don't really see an issue as long as he is rational about the whole thing.

 

I'd ask how long ago the above scenario took place, wait for the answer then counter with...oh, about 10.000 cases where it didn't. Sorry.

 

I don't know if surfer is rational. I don't know him. I suspect he's needy, co-dependent, and sees relationship status as a critical need in how he is view by others and himself. This 'type' often suffers repeatedly.

 

This is what I've learned reading his thoughts, and advise accordingly. I see much of myself in surfer, as I've taken the same wrong mental approach in the past. It is not an impossible pattern to break. First, one must desire to.

[2sunny]

2sunny, with respect, he`s an adult?

 

 

if i was him i`d want support, not critisism

 

If he hasn't made her aware that he's been physically separated for less than a week - he's not being fair to the gal - and she may get her hopes up that he is available. Emotionally - he's not.

[jaymz]

Surfer, did you go on that date?

[LifesontheUp]

Why the rush to go on a date so soon? In addition, why also lie about your position?

 

Smacks of trying to prove something, and whether you like or not Surfer this is bad for you.

 

Why not be on your own for a while? Why do you need to go back out there when you are so raw after your failed marriage? So what happens when the fun turns to wanting more? Are you ready for it? Have you learned what your issues are? Have you dealt with them?

[GG2W]

Why be on your own?

 

Because in a hundred years we are all going to be dead

 

Love life and live it, and get all the p*ssy you can in the years that we have left.

Edited March 11, 2012 by GG2W

[Surfer203]

Well, I'm done taking advice here - I just wanted to keep some of my "friends" here in the loop. I went on a date, it was great. We hung out and had lunch for 4.5 hours. I told her about my divorce and situation and it didn't phase her. She asked me out on a second date. I will NEVER stop living my life and do what I feel is right for me. I am not going to marry this girl or any one for a very long time. Just having fun and enjoying other human beings. Crucify me.

[2.50 a gallon]

Huzzah!

 

Surfer's back flying with the eagles. Hell of a view. Life is good

[worldgonewrong]

Well, I'm done taking advice here - I just wanted to keep some of my "friends" here in the loop. I went on a date, it was great. We hung out and had lunch for 4.5 hours. I told her about my divorce and situation and it didn't phase her. She asked me out on a second date. I will NEVER stop living my life and do what I feel is right for me. I am not going to marry this girl or any one for a very long time. Just having fun and enjoying other human beings. Crucify me.

 

right on.

 

as the great man said, "He not busy being born is busy dying."

[Surfer203]

2.50... I'm back, baby!

 

wgw: My buddy that I grew up with has that saying tattooed on him.. love it.

 

It pays to be honest in life it really does, she appreciated that I could tell her that right away and she seems to really like me. No matter what this is or ends up to be... I had a great day, it made me really happy and boosted my confidence higher than it has been in years.

[Ms. Red]

I'm glad you had a good time Surfer. And I wish you more happiness in the future.

[Steadfast]

Well, I'm done taking advice here

 

When did you start?

[Steadfast]

I had a great day, it made me really happy and boosted my confidence higher than it has been in years.

 

And that, friend, is the very root of the problem. Your ongoing problem.

 

We make choices and live with the consequences of them surfer. The people writing and responding here took your situation to heart and offered advice they thought would help. Your inability to recognize that is disappointing.

 

Your smug, smartass thanklessness even more so. But I saw that in you long ago.

 

The very best to you in your quest for happiness. I mean that. Goodbye.