Still hanging on...

[Lexygirl]

Unreal. Is that what you're waiting for? Moving on and filing for divorce when you don't care anymore? That explains your addiction to abuse.

 

IMO, you're not taking anything in. If you were, you'd understand and acknowledge the emotional pain that people here have experienced going through divorce and separation. The healing comes after the surgery has been preformed and the wound scars over. Maybe you're waiting until you meet someone else so you can transfer your dependency over to them, I don't know. I do know you haven't faced the toughest part of this yet. No one looks forward to it. No one thinks it's fair. Everyone wonders why. The difference between those who move on and those who don't is accepting the reality of the situation and moving on in the hope of a better one.

 

Wow ! Well said, Steadfast !

[mlouis]

Surfer, I sent a note to that email address you set up. Let's get in touch. I find myself in a similar situation - perhaps we can help each other find the strength to do what needs to be done.

[Owl]

Surfer...you've already received the advice you've needed over and over and over again.

 

The breakdown here is you.

 

If you don't change what you're doing...there is nothing we can do at all to help you.

 

Let me know when you want my advice/support. I'll be glad to give it to you as needed once I know you're truly interested in APPLYING it.

 

Good luck to you, my friend.

[Ballerfamily]

hey surf

 

hope your doing ok today....I have a friend who divorced right after me...he was lonely, even though he and his ex very rarely communicated or did things together...they had money, so they always passified their marriage w buying anytime they wanted something....(within 2 months) he found someone online, met her in at Disney for a weekend, came home engaged...remarried, and 3 months later filing for Divorce....

 

Point...at first change in our lives, we always want want we can't have....he wanted intimacy,companionship, sex, because it wasnt an option anymore..

I hated what my ex was doing to me, I didnt deal with it for many years..after finally taking my head out of the sand, i investigated her weird behavior and found my biggest fears to be true..but i still wanted her, begged her to change,, ,blah, blah, blah...this went on for 6-8 months..

finally, one day it hit me..she knew where I was...if she didnt want,need me in her life, then I sure as heck didnt need her in mine...

 

my friend refused to deal, and now has double agony...even though he is so happy to be out of 2nd marriage, he feels guilty for using her...go through it brother, and come out on the other side...get your self-respect back...I was same person basically as you...i was co-dependent...it will take some time...be strong, you will survive...I couldnt even look at women for a long time....now they look so beautiful and wonderful again..but damn, will I be careful...I couldnt imagine being together w ex anymore...nadda..will never endure emotional,physological abuse again..

 

accept it is over

grieve and mourn the marriage( you have to)

cope

move on

 

aw, life can be so wonderful and full of meaning again..take care of yourself, laugh, make people laugh and want to be around you, and you will live again.

 

of course, I still shed tears..I no longer see my little 9 yr old except every other weekend.. it s tough as heck...anger comes and goes..sadness comes and goes

 

but damn, do I sleep good...dream about kelly-kelly..lol...good dreams...sleep like a baby...have more fun and energy then ever before...and im not whole yet

 

 

do it...quit prolonging the agony...she isnt who, what, you thot she was...she is gone, nevr to return...accept this

 

best of luck bro

[2sunny]

When you change YOUR behavior and perspective - THAT is when YOU will start to feel better.

 

But you keep getting it backwards... It's not dependent on her. It's up to you.

 

You aren't feeling any better because you haven't changed a thing - you keep handing her your power by leaving things the same.

 

You need to start doing things that bring about change.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: No... I am not waiting for that to happen to file. I am wanting to feel like that for my own emotional sanity. I want to feel okay again and not think about her.

 

mlouis: I responded to you - give me a shout.

 

Owl: I have been trying to take the advice as I see fit over the past year. I will admit I don't always listen but I am trying to get to a place where I am feeling powerful enough to do so. I just feel so depleted emotionally, it's hard to step up and do what I am supposed to.

 

Baller: Thanks man, I know what you have been through to. I am happy to see that you are getting to a great place again in life. I wish I had your strength and I wish I was in your position already. This is slow going for me. You are making many valid points and I get it, I need to get over this and move on... ugh, I hate this.

 

2sunny: You are right, however she does affect me. Her actions/words still hurt me and make me feel things. That's why this is so hard for me to pull the plug on it... I just love her so much still. But I guess there is no sense in loving a rock or other inanimate object.

 

_

 

Clearly she is too busy or does not give a crap because she has not done anything to end this marriage either. What sucks is she is nice to me.. she treats me nicer now. I don't get it. I don't want to believe that she is just doing so, so that I don't destroy her in court or tarnish her name in our area. It very well could possibly be it, but for some reason I believe she is being nice because she cares for me... but then why is she ending our marriage if she cares about me?!

[PegNosePete]

Clearly she is too busy or does not give a crap because she has not done anything to end this marriage either.

Why would she? She has a house and a housekeeper and all her wages to do with as she pleases. The big world is a scary place, why would she enter it alone when she can stick around you? She is probably building up a nice little nest egg for herself while you are supporting her, when it has grown she will leave.

 

What sucks is she is nice to me.. she treats me nicer now. I don't get it. I don't want to believe that she is just doing so, so that I don't destroy her in court or tarnish her name in our area.

Bingo. She's being nice to you so that you sit there and do nothing. And it's clearly working.

[2sunny]

You can't base YOUR well being on someone else and expect to feel great. It's up to you - and the boundary you set for yourself.

 

You haven't had a solid boundary for yourself yet... That's why you think your happiness is based on what she does or doesn't do.

 

You're going about this backwards. You will only start feeling happy when you start changing everything. You say you've made a decision - yet there's NO evidence that shows it.

 

You haven't filed. You haven't required either one of you to move out. You haven't divided "things".

 

When you DO these actions - the mind will start to separate your old life from the new one and begin to look forward, not back.

 

New beginnings brings new promise for happiness.

 

Ask a counselor how to get past staying when she has treated you so unkindly. Otherwise in your future you are likely to choose the same kind of gal again.

 

Your comfort zone is being treated like trash and thinking "that's normal" well, it's NOT!

 

Get to work on all this! Standing still is bring about depression... That's not a good thing - so do opposite!

[2sunny]

She's used you all along - you may as well understand as long as you ALLOW her to stay - she will use you more - bank on it!

 

YOU are letting her! Stop it!

[Owl]

Owl: I have been trying to take the advice as I see fit over the past year. I will admit I don't always listen but I am trying to get to a place where I am feeling powerful enough to do so. I just feel so depleted emotionally, it's hard to step up and do what I am supposed to.

 

 

Do, or do not.

 

You have been "trying"...nothing left to say.

[Surfer203]

PNP: She must be a great actress then... she really is making it seem like her nice attitude towards me is authentic. Is this woman so crazy that she claims to not want to hurt me and to be full of guilt and shame... only to be lying further? I am not sure why she would want to hurt me further. It's not like her.

 

2sunny: I base my happiness on her because I love her still and I can't stop loving her. So unfortunately I am going to be stuck in this until it's really over and there is no options other than moving on.

 

Owl: All I can do is try... I have to "do".

 

_

 

I have a IC session tonight, going to try to figure out how I can move forward and escape the fear of losing her again. I think that is what's holding me back.

[2sunny]

PNP: She must be a great actress then... she really is making it seem like her nice attitude towards me is authentic. Is this woman so crazy that she claims to not want to hurt me and to be full of guilt and shame... only to be lying further? I am not sure why she would want to hurt me further. It's not like her.

 

2sunny: I base my happiness on her because I love her still and I can't stop loving her. So unfortunately I am going to be stuck in this until it's really over and there is no options other than moving on.

 

Owl: All I can do is try... I have to "do".

 

_

 

I have a IC session tonight, going to try to figure out how I can move forward and escape the fear of losing her again. I think that is what's holding me back.

 

You contradict yourself here so many times it's unbelievable.

 

Ask that therapist what you could BE DOING if you're not in fear - then DO everything he/she suggests. Your list will look like what everyone here has typed - are you even willing to DO what is suggested here... Nope!

 

So, as long as you keep handing her your power - expect more of the same.

[2sunny]

I'm wearing pink today - that is contrary action for me! I'm not a pink kind of gal. But I DO change!

 

If your W wanted to stay married shed be doing everything in her power to make sure she changed, including sex every night! But she's not!!!

[Lexygirl]

Surfer, you need to put this relationship to the test NOW before you get any older and any more time goes by ....

I think that it's time for you to write something out in black and white that you both can see. A list of YOUR needs in a relationship.... SPECIFIC, SPECIFIC everyday things that she can do and that you can do to fulfill them daily .. NOT just sometimes.

If she gets defensive or stops being so 'nice' then you know that she is only in this for herself and she only 'cares' when it's convenient for HER !

 

What do you have to lose at this point really? Her? WEll if she isn't all in this marriage, then you don't have her to begin with.. right?

 

My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and have started to make arrangements, etc. BUT this past weekend I saw a glimmer of hope. So once and for all, I just wrote him a huge email spelling out in black and white what I need from him and what I am willing to do to make this marriage work. It's my last attempt but it's a concrete action that will help us both move forward once and for all.

I guess my point is.. you are being complacent and you are waiting for HER to take action or not. She won't while everything is all comfortable. It's time for you to take some steps one way or the other and then decide on a time frame and stick to it.. no excuses.

Talking to IC is great IF you are getting some advice on how to move forward but ultimately you need to do some hard stuff one way or the other or you will be stuck like this for 10 more years... is that what you want?

 

Make your list. Imagine your most amazing ideal scenerio in your marriage... don't leave anything out... be creative, be self-indulging... you deserve to be happy and you deserve her to be 110% in this marriage. When she reads it, you will see by her reaction and by her actions or inactions how you MUST proceed.

 

You say you love her? Require her to be the best she can be and if she can't be that with you then you must let her go.

Also, love yourself too, Surfer. You're allowed.

 

Not sure what else to say right now but I hope I've helped you.

Lexy

[Surfer203]

2sunny: I do realize that I have been floundering and wishy washy. It stinks, I am more assertive than this. I feel like a wimp at the moment for not standing up for myself. She is either genuine or is a great manipulator because she is messing with my mind right now. Let's not say crazy things... "sex every night" hahaha.. never had that happened or will happen.

 

Thoughtsandstuff: You must be exaggerating... I am not her bit**. I just love her and treat her well. I have been treating her like a roommate since she told me she was done trying. Nothing more.

 

Lexy: See.. all of that would be great but my wife does not want to continue being married. I don't think that would help. In an ideal world it might but I don't think anything I say or do can make an impact at this point and frankly, I'm not sure that I would even want to try. If I could erase everything I would but since I can't I know I have to move forward - I am just terrified... Thanks for your insights, I appreciate it. Good luck with your marriage as well, I hope you get what you want and find peace.

[andyg99]

in most breakups in that first 2 months one might keep repeating "but I love her/him!" and plead "but if she only knew blah, blah, blah"... a lot of hurt that comes across as a bit whiny, eventually one realizes that their spouse just doesn't want to be with them and they begin to move forward, after some more time if hurts less and less and often one might think "why was I so broken up about this person" - Surf, you have never moved forward and you are stuck in that "first two month" phase for way too long now...

[2sunny]

I have to conclude that YOU are unwilling to hange things... You may like being a victim.

[Surfer203]

andy: It appears I am stuck in that phase. I want out. Either I want to be with her 100% and have things work out or I want to be free of her and move on completely. This limbo phase I have put myself in is not healthy. I was trucking along okay until she called me the other night crying and saying she was upset about our situation.

 

2sunny: I HATE being a victim, I feel bad that it seems like I like it.. to me that's twisted. However, how would you all think any different based on what I have been typing here on LS?

[Owl]

andy: It appears I am stuck in that phase. I want out. Either I want to be with her 100% and have things work out or I want to be free of her and move on completely. This limbo phase I have put myself in is not healthy. I was trucking along okay until she called me the other night crying and saying she was upset about our situation.

 

2sunny: I HATE being a victim, I feel bad that it seems like I like it.. to me that's twisted. However, how would you all think any different based on what I have been typing here on LS?[/QUOTE]

 

Because in the year plus that you've been posting here, you've taken no action to change the situation.

 

We always say "If you want to know their intentions, watch their actions, don't just listen to their words".

 

Go back and re-read your threads, add up all the actions that you've taken since you've started posting here...and tell us...what do your ACTIONS tell you about your intentions? More importantly...what do they tell your wife?

[Lexygirl]

Lexy: See.. all of that would be great but my wife does not want to continue being married. I don't think that would help. In an ideal world it might but I don't think anything I say or do can make an impact at this point and frankly, I'm not sure that I would even want to try. If I could erase everything I would but since I can't I know I have to move forward - I am just terrified... Thanks for your insights, I appreciate it. Good luck with your marriage as well, I hope you get what you want and find peace.

 

WTF? The bolded part was highly disturbing for me to read because Surfer, if that is the case, why in the name of GOD are you still there? Or the bigger question is.. Why in the name of God is SHE still there? Can you answer this? You're terrified of moving on? That's NOT a reason to stay stuck. Ok so instead of writing the list for her to read .. write a list of EXACTLY what you plan on doing to move forward and put a date on every single thing.

Surfer, life is a precious thing and you are wasting it. You are still together when you know full well that she doesn't want to be married to you? I don't get it. You are admitting that you know she doesn't want to be married to you and yet you are not drawing up separation papers and putting a 'For Sale' sign up

 

What is your question here? What do you wish to gain here on LS exactly?

[Steadfast]

If I could erase everything I would but since I can't I know I have to move forward - I am just terrified...

 

Surfer, it's time for you to admit what's painfully obvious; that being with her a little is better than not being with her at all. That you'll take the current situation over the alternative of separation, divorce and moving on.

 

It is all up to you, not anyone else and whatever someone else says about it, no matter their intentions, helpful, hopeful or otherwise, they have no factor in it. You have the information and the support of the group here.

 

Obviously.

 

Just one last thought...even given your current mindset and decision making process, I'd rather control my own destiny than have it decided for me. If what you've written is true than at some point something is going to break the bank. Obviously, that will be her filing for divorce when her relationship demands the change. You stand the chance of being under the waves instead of riding on top of them...or at least, being in a position to see what's coming. In other words, what you fear might pale compared to what you're facing...by not facing it.

 

She doesn't love you.

 

Hang in there, and make the best of it. Here's hoping she has enough tenderness in her heart to not make life completely miserable.

Edited November 8, 2011 by Steadfast

[PegNosePete]

I HATE being a victim, I feel bad that it seems like I like it.. to me that's twisted. However, how would you all think any different based on what I have been typing here on LS?

Because you fail to take action to improve your situation. You allow your wife to control your entire life instead of grabbing it by the balls and steering your own rudder.

 

When's the attorney appointment Surfer? Oh don't tell me - they're all closed for Veterans Day? Thanksgiving? Christmas?

[reboot]

C'mon guys, "tough love" isn't going to work for Surfer. He's not ready yet. Like Steadfast said, a little bit of her is better than none of her in his mind. The man still loves his wife, and not everyone is built to just turn that off at will. Eventually he'll get his belly full, but until then, there's not much point in us making him feel even worse.

 

Just the opinion of someone who has been there and done that.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I have taken some action. Before she came back to me, I saw a lawyer and had divorce papers filled out, I was JUST about to serve her with papers right before Christmas last year. I do/can take action. I have cut her a lot of slack this time around but I also enforced my rules of the house about going out, staying out late, etc. I spoke up a few weeks ago about how I need her to be in this marriage and work at it because it's not fair to me. I have stood up for myself and taken some action. This time around I have not done much yet except for try to keep myself busy.

 

Lexy: I am here for comfort in my time of excruciating pain.

 

Steadfast: I wouldn't say it's a little better, it's just more familiar and not as scary as ending it. I like your surfing analogy.. I get it. I don't want to lose control of my life. I am trying to maintain that.

 

PNP: Lawyer appointment is Thursday.

 

reboot: Thanks a lot for sticking up for me whether you agree with how I am handling it or not... you are right. I still love her and don't want to be abused by others here. I want some support to help me get through this, that's all.

[2sunny]

So if you are unhappy because you know you base your happiness on her - and she's stated she doesn't love you - how do you expect happiness with her? You need to bring your happy self into ANY mix for a positive outcome.

 

You need to get to a place where you are happy on your own - and take your happy SELF into any relationship!

 

Think of it this way you have 1+0 and expect it to be 2. But it actually equates to 1 - yet you keep EXPECTING that it equates to 2. This is where your perspective is off - especially since her part in this isn't going to equate to 1 - her part in it equates in a negative way - so she actually brings in a negative force which equates to -1; which equates to zero.

1 minus 1 equals zero. Yet you keep expecting her input is positive...the negative influence she brings is dragging you back to zero every time - but you're not recognizing it for what negative influence it is.