Still hanging on...

[Surfer203]

2sunny: That is an interesting way to make me understand it and it makes sense to me. One thing I will say is that my wife does apparently love me still, only she claims to no longer be "in love" with me. Not justifying anything, just saying... Anyway, I like to think I am a happy person on my own. I just need to get that part of me back, it has taken a major over the past year.

 

_

 

Another tid bit... I got home from work yesterday and saw a missed call. It was my brother in law, I gave him a call with out checking the message. We started talking and he was not mentioning anything about my wife and I... so I said "you haven't heard?". Anyway, I filled him in on the situation but didn't give him all of the details. He was upset that his sister did not call him and tell him (AGAIN - she didn't last time either) Even my in-laws did not tell my brother in law. It's weird. To me, it shows guilt, regret, shame, whatever. She is a coward of a human being.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

Did I read right?

 

Now that you are sleeping in separate bedrooms you sex life has again come to life?

[Surfer203]

2.50 - Are you poking fun at me or being serious? I think we all know the answer to that question!

 

_

 

I am fed up, I am trying to have a conversation with her about the state of things and about divorcing, money, etc. She is NEVER home to talk. She just stays out and avoids me and the conflict. She usually comes home right after I get to sleep. What a coward. Something snapped inside of me and I have been pushed to the edge finally.

[2sunny]

Stop talking - there's no reason to hang out - waiting to talk to her.

 

She said she's not into the M - a man who hears her and has watched her actions simply gets the D started instead of waiting to talk.

 

Her actions are clear = she doesn't intend to be with you.

 

She's out there scamming to find another man she can use for her benefit...which takes a lot of time and effort...that's why she's not home, yet you won't see it that way.

[Surfer203]

I'm not hanging out... How can I talk to her if we are both at work and when I am home she is out doing God knows what?!

 

Ugh.. I am miserable. Part of me wants to just give up.

[2sunny]

You give her too much power!!!

 

Serve her divorce papers! Take that action! Sheez, do something instead of nothing!

[Surfer203]

2sunny: I do... proof of that is, she is nice to me now for some reason and I am agreeable. I have not stood up for myself and told her not to. That's where I am at right now. I am ready to tell her. I don't know who she thinks she is. Her being nice to me kills me. It resembles being in a good relationship and that hurts me because we are SO far away from that.

 

They financial aspect bugs me too. I make significantly more money than her and I contribute more to our debt and bills. It irritates me that I still have to take up that burden.

 

Life is unfair and I can't be in this situation much longer. It is really damaging my life... I am starting to lose hair due to it (not a lot, just some minor thinning) I am late to work every day because I am too depressed to get out of bed, also I avoid her in the morning until she is out of my way to get up, I don't play guitar or do my art anymore.

 

Sucks.

[2sunny]

Because you aren't taking ACTION!

 

Stop talking about ANY of it with her - you are wasting time and energy - get her served! Get her out! No matter what the cost - you have now put a price on your happiness. Change everything.

[Lexygirl]

Surfer,

She is being 'nice' to you because you are allowing her to live in the house with you while you pay most of the debts, not put the house up for sale, not get the divorce papers ready, etc.

She is being 'nice' to you because she doesn't want to rock the boat. She is comfortable doing whatever she wants (including looking for another man) and if she is nasty to you, you might just pull the trigger OR you might be nasty back and well that's uncomfortable for her....

Too bad ! It's time SHE gets out of HER comfort zone ! It's time YOU get mad and use that anger to move forward. I understand what you are going through more than you know. I do.

I hate to see you stuck like this, though. It's not healthy.

I hope you get the divorce papers drawn up tomorrow and serve them to her and move on. It's what you need to do.

Lexy

[marqueemoon4]

Surf brotha.. you have more power in this situation than u think. LAWYER. DIVORCE PAPERWORK. SIGN. SERVE. Believe me you want to be the one ending this. Not to be mean or cruel, but because it needs to be done. You don't want this to drag on anymore, and u can make a clean break since there are no kids involved. Take the bull by the horns, no more excuses my friend.

[Surfer203]

I think I need to talk to her about paying me money. I NEED money.

[Surfer203]

Above message was for 2sunny.

 

Lexy: Thanks... I think you are right. She is avoiding my anger and fighting by being nice. Maybe also so that I don't demolish her in court. You are right, I am stuck and it is certainly not healthy. Praying for relief.

 

mm4: I don't want to be cruel or mean but you are right, I have been dragging this out. Needs to end. The only problem is dividing the house. I really don't want to sell it and have to move back with my parents...

[Steadfast]

I think I need to talk to her about paying me money. I NEED money.

 

I recall you talking about the house and financial stuff a couple thousand posts back. I knew then that was a major stumbling block for you, and part of your fear. But it isn't just fear, is it surfer? It's pride too. Be honest. It's hard to bag chicks or feel good about yourself living with mom and dad.

 

You've proclaimed the Loser's Creed too many times: "It's not fair!"

 

It isn't. So what? The answer; drag it on until outside circumstances force a change. You've chosen to live in limbo, and complain to ease the pain.

 

That's your life surfer. Make the best of it. Try not to lose any sleep (or more hair) over it.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: It's not just about pride. It's not about getting with other women. Quit being a d***. I don't need it.

[Steadfast]

You don't like it, but you certainly do need to hear it. I didn't like it either surfer. I lived it, tossed in with teenagers, two businesses, elderly parents (one died) and survived it. I am still surviving it. It can be survived.

 

I'm not holding it over you, I'm showing it to you. Scars where the deep cuts used to be. It took me down and changed me. Most of those changes were for the better. Not by circumstance, but by actions and hard decisions. My point? I'm much rather be here, past it, looking back on it than still in the middle of it. No thanks.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Steadfast

[2sunny]

Ok. So IF she is to stay then she pays fair market rent to YOU!

 

Ya- get her to pay her way or leave!

 

She WILL leave... Then you can get a room mate or two to help with expenses.

 

She thinks she gets a free ride from YOU - because she's beautiful. And you ALLOW it!

 

Solution... Send her a text that says she owes you _____ amount today for monthly expenses in living there. This is her contribution to living in the house...and if she doesn't pay you tonight (cash) she needs to find a place to move out by 11pm.

 

She's gonna have to pay somewhere - it may as well be you who expects the money.

 

* she may go somewhere else for free - but she needs to FINd that man to mooch off of first! Don't let it be YOU anymore!

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: I know I need to hear it but I feel like I have heard it a thousand times and it just feels abusive when every one is beating up on me. I do appreciate the advice and support from you and every one else here. I would rather be on the other side of this too... one day I will be there.

 

2sunny: What you are saying makes sense and I like that approach. I deserve what I deserve. Not to be taken advantage of.

[sumdude]

Steadfast: It's not just about pride. It's not about getting with other women. Quit being a d***. I don't need it.

 

First little sign of life I've seen in your posts for a while surfer. I am just waiting for you to finally get PO"D for real! Yeah, people are piling on... we want you to move forward in life and find some kind of happiness and finally get out of this life sucking situation. You're marriage is a dead horse tied around your neck you've been dragging around forever now. Time to find your gonads man... get pissed already. Your soon to be ex wife doesn't love you and hasn't for a long time. Ever since she blew off the vows and allowed another man to enter her body. Then she came back a made very little effort to 'fix' the damage done. She's nice to you now because that suits her current needs and because a part of her feels kinda sorry for you and some kind of guilt too. You are being used.

Edited November 9, 2011 by sumdude

[Surfer203]

sumdude: I am getting angry... mostly with the way I have been treated. Part of me still believes that she loves me and is being nice because she cares but then I ask myself, if she loved me, she would have NEVER done this to me under any circumstances. I like the way you put that "You're marriage is a dead horse tied around your neck you've been dragging around forever now." That is perfect. Things will change and I am at that point now where I feel I can really make it happen.

 

_

 

All of you.. I think I may not post much until things DO change and I make some progress in the D. Don't want to drag you all through my insanity.

[reboot]

All of you.. I think I may not post much until things DO change

 

I stopped posting here for two years while we 'worked things out'. Lots and lots of good (and bad) advice here, but at some point it just becomes over load.

[2sunny]

2sunny: What you are saying makes sense and I like that approach. I deserve what I deserve. Not to be taken advantage of.

 

you KNOW no one - and i mean no one - can take advantage of you unless you ALLOW them!

 

tell her to start paying HALF of EVERYTHING TODAY - or get out!

 

 

she's "being nice" so you ALLOW her to stay for free.

 

who wouldn't want a free life? most folks will "play nice" person to get everything free. she's no different.

 

when you get her out - after REQUIRING immediate money (which she will get angry about cuz she doesn't intend to pay) then you can get a few roomies to help you pay the bills.

 

stop allowing her to live off of you and barely speak to you.

[Yasuandio]

Surf, dude, I've read your post's since b4 you announced how "making up" was so suddenly easy to do. I recall what a gaggy "post-moment" it was for myself, as well as your LS team & fans. However, they all eventually came around, and supported your newfound hopefulness, and propensity to so freely forgive and forget, with all sincerity a human being could possibly offer.

 

But, I mean, really, did you ever get off the couch, man? Did you ever have one week of a typical marriage arrangement, other than, perhaps the "honeymoon," phase - even if that occurred?

 

I would suggest looking at this block of time since your make-up, and actually assess what portion really has some semblance of a marital relationship. Perhaps, that time frame was during the period you were laying low on LS?

 

You have pointed out many times your irritability for this "happiness & nice-nice" affect your wife is projecting - and how disconcerting and out-of-place this emoting seems in light of the current status of your marriage. Anyone would agree with that. I am not a medical doctor, but I have been gas-lighted before.

 

For example, my mother smiles and speaks as if everything is all nice-nice, when in reality, things are a complete disaster. While in the intensive care at the hospital, i looked over my mother's shoulder into my severly alchoholic father's openly displayed room. His body functions were shutting down, his eyes were rolled backwards, and his arms were sticking straight out, like a zombee.

 

My mom had a smile, and was in a great mood. She stated to me, "now, your daddy is gonna be just fine. There was just a problem with how his dentures were fitting, and he's lost some weight."

 

Does't feel weird when someone smiles and pretends everything is nice-nice? People do it for different reasons. My mom is an "enabled."

 

Why does your wife act nice-nice when you clearly have a serious problem? Why, do you know why? Is she possibly being passive-aggressive towards you?

 

When someone's affect doesn't match reality, you just gotta sort out the truth from the distortion or you will be gas-lighted over and over again.

 

What is the truth? If you really face it, and act accordingly, you might take your supporter's advice - duh.?.?

 

Your supporters are trying to tell you that there are no warm fuzzies, no reassurances, no promises with this gal. These are the obvious conclusions your supporters have drawn from your own statements.

 

If there are signs of hope - rather than a perplexing, displaced, nice-nice affect and attitude in the midst of a f'ing marital crisis, please advise us, inquiring minds want to know.

 

Is it possible you may be in great need of reassurance, and will go to all lengths to get any tiny bit - positive and negative? If that is the case, I certainly believe you possess the charisma to pull it off!

 

That may be why your supporters never throw in the towel. We just like too much Mr. Surfer. Just a little different perspective. May or may not mean a thing to you. Yas

Edited November 10, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Surfer203]

coopster: Yeah... of course it helps and I am getting good advice but it is a lot to take in and process. I am left with being confused sometimes and by my own fault not being confident enough to do what needs to be done.

 

reboot: I agree.. can feel like an overload. Sometimes too much conflicting advice but it seems most if it pointing in the same direction these days. I am fine with that, I get it.

 

2sunny: I will be turning up the heat in terms of money and living arrangements, etc. I realize I am allowing her to take advantage of me because I am so NICE. I have to be more assertive before this goes any further. A fried of mine is actually looking for a place. hmmm

 

Yas: Wow... that was a really great post - thank you. A lot of what you said rings true with me. She is being passive aggressive... why would some one act so nice when there are clearly terrible issues going on... Manipulation.. It makes sense... her attitude does not match realty. I am beginning to think she is a chemical imbalance or something. She is so off the mark, bizarre. I appreciate the continued support from every one here.

[robf1971]

she's "being nice" so you ALLOW her to stay for free.

 

She's probably amazed that your allowing her to get away with it

[Surfer203]

rob: It's really quite tough to read. Part of me wants to think she isn't completely awful and is being nice because she cares for me. If she did care for me, she wouldn't be giving up on marriage. Right? That leads me to think she is manipulating me for her own comfort/needs.