Still hanging on...

[robf1971]

rob: It's really quite tough to read. Part of me wants to think she isn't completely awful and is being nice because she cares for me. If she did care for me, she wouldn't be giving up on marriage. Right? That leads me to think she is manipulating me for her own comfort/needs.

it

 

Actually, she's taking the path of least resistance, us humans tend to do that! You are ALLOWING this. You don't even have to be nasty,

 

You to wife

 

'I get it, you need to be free to go, I wish you all the best, taken the liberty of helping you pack already to save time and will help you move'

 

Surfer

 

If 'winning' this woman back is what you truly want, then setting her free is a million times more likely to work than what your doing.

 

If moving on without this woman is what you truly want doing this is a trillion times more likely to work.

[Surfer203]

rob: I told you man, there is a tiny bit of me that wants her back. The majority of my thoughts are to move the hell on. So, my goal in this is to move on and be happy. I think you are right though, letting go of her is the best thing for me and I am doing that. I will gladly pack up her s***.

[2sunny]

Did you tell her last night to bring home her money or leave?

 

IF you didn't - then your inaction is YOUR doing.

 

And as far as packing her stuff - what are you waiting for?

 

She pays and contributes - or she leaves immediately so that you can get a paying person to help with expenses! Why should sheget a free ride?

 

What makes you think she doesn't need to pay her way in the world? Even IF she stays - you can get a roommate there immediately.

 

That would be doing something rather than nothing!

[Surfer203]

coopster: Sure man, beers are on me.

 

2sunny: I didn't speak to her last night, she came home after I was asleep and I did not talk to her this morning because she slept in past her normal wake up time. Probably because she is depressed OR wearing herself out. It is a matter of time until she burns out. I tried to contact her by email/text but her phone was not working apparently. This is all true, not excuses.

 

First lawyer meeting is this afternoon. Other lawyer will only do a phone consult first.

 

That would be something though, getting a roommate even if she stays... ha!

[Surfer203]

Well... lawyer appointment went well, not sure if I am crazy about this lawyer. I have another consult to do and I have a few others on my list.

 

-

 

Other interesting news, my wife's best friend just texted me and we had a conversation. She has not been friends with my wife for about a month. Reason is because she has supported her decisions for the past year but now she feels like she is out of control and being extremely selfish. She has taken my side. Which you would think would make me feel good but frankly I am just angry. Talking to her friend just made it more concrete to me that my wife is such a selfish coward, pathetic excuse for a human being.

 

She didn't go into tons of detail, we will talk another time on the phone but both of us are sick of her excuses and pitiful behavior. I am sick of being used and mistreated. We agreed that I was a great husband and never deserved to be treated the way she treated me. So many BS excuses, it's sickening. I hate her, I just f'ing hate her guts. I want to send my wife a message and tell her to find some where else to sleep tonight. I want to punch something but instead, I will go to Yoga tonight and de-stress that way.

[Owl]

Why not use some of that anger to accomplish your goals?

 

Rather than yoga...go home and sit down and start seperating finances. List out bills, and how they're going to be paid. List out incomes, and/or additional finance information that will need to be discussed with the mediators/attorneys.

 

Start marking a list of things that are yours, and a list of things that she'll take with her when she leaves.

 

Use this impetus to start moving towards your endgame goal.

[2sunny]

action and A BOUNDARY would be...

 

IF you come home tonight - bring ____ amount of CASH for bills to be paid by 10pm. IF you don't bring cash tonight by 10pm - pick up your stuff i leave on the front curb tomorrow morning after i've gone to work...

 

IF no cash is paid by 10pm - consider it's time for ME to pack YOUR bags for you.

[Surfer203]

Owl: If I don't go to yoga, I will probably punch something or doing something else destructive. For some reason I am fuming. I will start taking care of that stuff after yoga or tomorrow. It's got to be done.

 

2sunny: There will be boundaries and actions, I promise. I'm done being a b**** to a b****.

 

Wish me luck.

[Yasuandio]

Owl and Sunny are totally right. The problem is they are continually repeating themselves and requesting evidence of your movement in direction they have intrigued/suggested/proposed -- which you have, Mr. Surfer, generally ignored, or provided "ok, yes I will" responses you've not followed up on, put off, and delayed for whatever reason.

 

Why Owl and Sunny would beat their brains continually suggesting, expecting, and hoping you will follow thru on these obvious next steps (having wife served as she has not behave like a wife in some time, duh) is beyond me. It's just gotta be your charisma, that keeps these wise people attached to you somewhat hopeless case.

 

Is there some way you might use this charisma to you own benefit? I suggest you mesh your natal charisma with the service of divorce papers on this so-called wife of your's - with grounds of adultry.

 

Turn the nice-nice around the opposite direction, and have your master's room back. Take control, and be an f'ing man. Don't talk about, discuss it, or ruminate about the issue. Just do it. Say nothing. Read those 180's ten times a day - and stick to them and NC like glue.

 

Wake up. Only you can change. Yas

[Surfer203]

Yas: I realized I have not been stepping it up. I am now though I promise. I am done being used and being miserable. I am going to be happy again.

 

_

 

Other updates:

 

Foolishly I called my in-laws to chat, as we have not talked since. Basically they are clueless, however they seem to just take my wife's side which I knew they would. Only difference is this time they were a bit more cold and the attitude was "she has made her choice and will be fine with her new friends and life". I don't know, after I decided it was not a good idea to call. I ended the call more upset than when I began. So I have decided no more communication with her friends or her family. That's it.

 

I was also smelling something weird, so I went into her room trying to identify it. I found no source of the smell except I did find a new video game under her bed. That's $60 she could have given me for debt. I am just SO F'ING fed up.

[andyg99]

Yas: I realized I have not been stepping it up. I am now though I promise. I am done being used and being miserable. I am going to be happy again.

 

_

 

Other updates:

 

Foolishly I called my in-laws to chat, as we have not talked since. Basically they are clueless, however they seem to just take my wife's side which I knew they would. Only difference is this time they were a bit more cold and the attitude was "she has made her choice and will be fine with her new friends and life". I don't know, after I decided it was not a good idea to call. I ended the call more upset than when I began. So I have decided no more communication with her friends or her family. That's it.

 

I was also smelling something weird, so I went into her room trying to identify it. I found no source of the smell except I did find a new video game under her bed. That's $60 she could have given me for debt. I am just SO F'ING fed up.

 

you say you "are done being used and being miserable" and then you post updates of you doing things that you should know will make you miserable (contacting in-laws, snooping under her bed...)

[Steadfast]

Surfer, I know you're sharing and the feedback is therapeutic, but...now you're gossiping with her friends and calling the parents? What's next? Snubbing her in the cafeteria and ignoring her in study hall? Either you're trying to build a case against her mentally (and that's apparent; your posts regarding her are becoming increasingly hostile) or you're hoping family and friends will intervene and change her thinking. One wrong move after another surfer, because the result will be less respect for you than ever.

 

Why is that bad? Because the last thing you need right now is more turmoil. It's a guess, but I'd wager that she could crush you emotionally with just one good verbal lashing. Why? Because you love her. And you let her lead. You're afraid of her (or her power over you) and she knows it.

 

And see, that's the thing, and that's the thing I've been pounding away at in my posts to you. You don't hate her, you love her. In fact, the more she pulls away the more you want her back. This is human nature I suppose, but you are mistaking frustration for hate. You want her...and the anger is increasing because nothing -pleading, trying, ignoring, confronting- is working. And the reason it isn't working? She doesn't want to be with you.

 

Damn man. That's always the hardest thing to accept. It's hard.

 

At some point, the whole thing is going to burst. Until then, act like someone she's going to someday miss. In fact, to sidestep the inevitable fight as a result of your recent conversations, I'd level with her and explain that you stepped out of line. Tell her that you miss her, that it's hard to deal with, and not all of your decisions are wise right now. In other words, tell her the truth and quit posturing. Quit saying that you hate her when just the opposite is true. And be honest, but be honest with yourself first.

 

You are never going to hate her enough to act. No matter how hard you try. Nope, the only way out is to love yourself out of it. To have the courage to not just want, but do something to better your life. Until then...

[PegNosePete]

Foolishly I called my in-laws to chat

I hate to say I told you so.

 

Actually that's a lie. I love to say I told you so.

 

Told you so.

 

Dude sounds like her friend likes you. That would certainly be a good way of making her life in the house uncomfortable! Seeing her ex best friend coming out of your bedroom in the morning and fetching you bacon and eggs in bed... priceless!

[Surfer203]

andy: I am an idiot sometimes, I know...

 

Steadfast: Thanks for the slap across the face. I need that. You are right, that I love her but I really am starting to hate her. I have been put through so much.

 

I don't think I am gossiping, her friend reached out to me to talk and I did call her parents on my own because I told them I would after this went down. They were cold to me actually... not like last time. I think they have even given up on their daughter. They will stand by her but they don't want to be bothered with her drama (been going on since she was a kid).

 

I have been trying to do the 180 for my own benefit for weeks now. I am getting there, I find it helps but there is always some sadness that I carry around with me and I know that takes time for it to fade.

 

PNP: Well.. you my friend are quite a nasty one, hahaha. I like that, the only problem is her friend lives in Canada... so, it's kind of a long drive. Might be worth it though. I have also noticed that you are big on bacon and eggs, you have mentioned bacon and eggs about 100 times through out this thread... haha

 

__

 

Had a huge fight with my wife this morning.. I just let loose and she broke down. She told me she is steps away from a break down. NO S***, you work every day/night and don't relax ever. Plus going through this horrible situation... of course you are going to be miserable and a mess. I feel bad for her and I find it hard to determine where I should stand on this. She had the balls to ask me to live with my folks for a while so she could come back to the house and relax. She doesn't come home a lot because I am there and she doesn't want to be there when I am because of the tensions and fighting.

 

I need to just ignore this human being and let her deal with her own issues. I hate this and her lame excuses, we've changed so much since we got married... no s*** - every one changes, that is a fact of life. If you don't change, how boring would that be as a couple?! Anyway, I need to calm down and get through the rest of today. Need to get my mind off of this but I am realizing the only way I will is if I finally am able to be divorced and move on.

[marqueemoon4]

Steadfast: I know I need to hear it but I feel like I have heard it a thousand times and it just feels abusive when every one is beating up on me. I do appreciate the advice and support from you and every one else here. I would rather be on the other side of this too... one day I will be there.

 

2sunny: What you are saying makes sense and I like that approach. I deserve what I deserve. Not to be taken advantage of.

 

Duuuuuude. Why in thee hell do you FEEL SORRY for her?? She is doing this to herself and in turn is making your life miserable. You have to get to a point where you don't care. Not to get her back but so you can escape this madness. I know its hard, and I still struggle with it but that's because of my son. You have NO TIES except a house and some material objects. My man, please you keep saying you won't engage her and then the next day you do. STOPPPPPPPP.

[2sunny]

Did you TELL her to pay or leave?

 

Did she pay? Or is she leaving?

 

Those tears are designed to manipulate - stop engaging in arguments. Expect the money or she's out! Did you even tell her what YOU require?

[Surfer203]

mm4: I can't help it, I was so pissed about money and about her behavior that I couldn't help but get into it. I know it's unhealthy to even bother with this nut. You are right though, it's only a house and material objects which can be replaced. I feel sorry for her because I believe she is truly destroying herself and her life, I see it in front of my eyes - she isn't that good of an actress.

 

2sunny: I did tell her to pay or leave. I told her if she won't pay I will find some one who will. She claims what she gave me is in fact half of what she owes. I now need to crunch some numbers and get an exact figure. Regardless, she is trying to get out of living there - but that is going to be tough. Not my problem. The tears I feel are real mostly. I am sure some times she turns it on to manipulate, but I see her spiraling towards the bottom of a pit with gators at the bottom.

[2sunny]

Tell her to pay ALL of it or don't bother coming home.

 

Stop feeling sorry for her. Remember she has spent money on a video game and a Halloween costume. Not your problem any

Ore if she doesn't have it. Get your court papers filled out, filed and served.

[Surfer203]

2sunny: I know.. and I told her that "I have not spent anything on myself, I eat leftovers from my parents for lunch and dinner some times - all my money goes to debt and bills that you are not paying an equal share of". It's upsetting. I deserve so much better, there has got to be a million women out there worthy and wanting this type of man in their life.

 

I can't help but care, it's just who I am. I am WAY too nice, especially to her. She is becoming ugly to me, inside and out. Ugh...

[2sunny]

No need to tell her any of that! Just have her pay or leave!

[Yasuandio]

Your supporters have a lot of energy, and wherewithall. Why don't you take a page outta one of their books? Say what you mean, mean what you say.

[Surfer203]

2sunny and Yas: Will do.

[marqueemoon4]

You don't crunch numbers... that's what ATTORNEYS are for. Have you picked one out yet? YOU MUST START PROTECTING YOURSELF. THIS WOMAN KNOWS YOU HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR HER AND WILL CONTINUE TO MANIPULATE YOU.

[Surfer203]

mm4: I still have to figure out what is owed in the mean time. Meeting with a few lawyers currently. Trying to pick one. She knows I have a soft spot for her, maybe I am naive but I feel like she is not going to attack it. I don't understand her.

[marqueemoon4]

Dude you ARE being naive just like all the men on here that are so sure their wives aren't cheating and then weeks later come back saying SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING WITH AN OM THE WHOLE TIME (myself included). She is playing you brother, and she knows all your buttons to push. Eventually you're gonna lose it and do something stupid that will give her the leverage she wants. My exW totally set me up and got exactly what she wanted.. made me look like a monster even though SHE was the one cheating and calculating a way out behind my back. My exW is the cruelest, vilest human being I've ever met. A lot of women have this in them, and it comes out once they decide they don't need or want you anymore. Do NOT fall into that trap.

Edited November 11, 2011 by marqueemoon4