Still hanging on...

[jstobo]

Surfer: please listen to these people. She cries because HER life is a mess. NOT because she misses you. My STBX spent a weekend crying her eyes out back in February. I was stupid to think it was about me. It was all about the pain she was going to go through breaking her family apart. I've now learned that none of her sadness had anything to do with losing me. I did the same thing about contacting her parents. At the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. I've learned to accept that her family has completely cast me aside. I myself, could not do what all of us are asking you to do. I held out hope way longer than I should have. I should have realized my marriage was dead the day I discovered the other man. Instead I spent about 10 months holding on to something that just wasn't there. Find a way to take one step away today. Tomorrow, take another step. And then another.

 

I finally completely let go a month ago. She no longer gets any negative emotion, reaction or communication from me. Yes, I have found a wonderful woman and it helps. But time has been the biggest reason for my strength. Something I am noticing is my STBX is suddenly not being so nice. She isn't being mean, but she has had some kind of change in attitude. I guess I can just say she is being short with me and I am being nice and happy. She has been sending me pictures of the kids or texting me more questions about the kids and I have been very business like in all those interactions. I don't think she likes it. I don't for one second think she is having second thoughts, but I'm sure it is bothering her to know I have moved on.

 

Take a step towards letting go today. This is not a sprint my friend, it is a marathon. A marathon you will finish!

[Surfer203]

mm4: She is a great actress then... I didn't think she was that good.

Man, I'm sorry you feel that about your ex, that's awful. Although mine isn't looking too good these days either.

 

jstobo: I know she is crying because of her life and not because of me. You've got that right about blood being thicker than water. At least I didn't disgrace mine by being a cheater like she did. Still they will have her back and I know that, I don't expect any different. I will keep moving forward, I know life is good and it is worth living no matter how much terrible stuff is going on around me. I will finish the marathon - hopefully in first place, haha. Thanks man.

[marqueemoon4]

mm4: She is a great actress then... I didn't think she was that good.

Man, I'm sorry you feel that about your ex, that's awful. Although mine isn't looking too good these days either.

 

 

How could I feel any differently? This woman:

 

A. Used me for security/mealticket

B. Sucked as a wife in all aspects

C. Provoked me into a fight (totally premeditated) got me to do something out of character that had never happened then labeled me as "abusive" and took 0 responsibility.

D. Was cheating on me with a coworker and had me paying all her bills while separated

E. Tried to take my son away for 2yrs via bogus protective order. Thankfully judge saw it was out of pure spite and said hell no.

F. Started living with yet another guy 6 months or so after she left and had my son living with this dirtbag too. All along lied about it to my face over and over until I hired a PI to legally out her.

E. Blackmailed me trying to still get spousal support/alimony after it was proven she was an adulterer

F. Blames everything on me and refuses acknowledge my existence. Shows 0 remorse for anything she's done, including totally destroying me emotionally/financially.

 

Yea, she's disgusting.

[Yasuandio]

Surfer, you may have to learn the hard way. However, the silver lining is in the fact that this on-going story you are sharing so openly will help so many others by example.

 

 

Let me draw you a picture of a possible scenario:

 

Your wife most likely is going to file the divorce before you.

 

Therefore, YOU will be the DEFENDANT. I'm absolutely sure she has her attorney all lined up.

 

As plaintiff, she will ask to remain in the marital residence until the matter is resolved. (Bear in mind, possession is 9/10 of the law). She has the same right as you do to ask for the marital residence.

 

Since she has the lesser income, she will be asking, and will most likely be getting temporary support from YOU. That means you will need to pay most of the bills over there, maybe more.

 

She has been your wife for a number of years. I would bet she has loved you, cared for you, and made a nice home for you. She has been a partner to you, and has probably cooked, cleaned, and tended to your needs when you've been sick. The list goes on. That is worth something. They call it

alimony.

 

It is also CRITICAL for you to note that you have forgiven your wife's trespasses of last year. And really, you have continued to accept and condone current lifestyles - from what it would appear.

 

Perhaps these points may give you a different take on filing for a divorce. The person who files first, plaintiff, has a bit of leverage (and no surprises!).

 

If I were you, I would check out the accuacy of this information I have just provided you. If your support team finds truth in this post, I'd probably start becoming somewhat alarmed.

 

This asking her to "pay up or get out" is just enough to tick her off. Maybe you should be nice-nice yourself this weekend and have your attorney file at 8am on Monday, before she runs your fanny out of there. FYI

Edited November 11, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Surfer203]

mm4: Pretty awful "resume" she has. She sucks, you are lucky to be rid of her my friend!

 

Yas: You are getting me paranoid, but you are right. I have to take swift action otherwise I may be screwed. You are wrong about her doing housework and all of that stuff. She has been lazy. I am hoping I won't be paying her alimony. She cheated on me, she has two jobs and is the one choosing to end the marriage. I am planning on using a mediator as well. She can take my money but she will never take my freedom!

[marqueemoon4]

Yas' point about filing first is very valid. You want to be the plaintiff, not the defendant. Be the one to end it once and for all, you'll feel MUCH better about yourself not to mention the legal benefits. If you think she hasn't retained council, you're fooling yourself.

[Surfer203]

mm4: Yeah.. I assume she has looked into to it at the very least. Time to get my ducks in a row. I am not looking forward to this.

[reboot]

I disagree. I can't see any reason for her to file. She has all the benefits of being married and all the freedom of being single.

[Surfer203]

reboot: You may be right. She is living "the life" right now with out answering to any one. She will probably drag this out like this has the past 6 months of her being "unhappy".

 

coopster: No no.. I am not looking forward to the pain of divorcing and all that comes with it. I am looking forward to a new BETTER life. Do whatever I want, when I want - that's a great gift.

[Yasuandio]

mm4: Pretty awful "resume" she has. She sucks, you are lucky to be rid of her my friend!

 

Yas: You are getting me paranoid, but you are right. I have to take swift action otherwise I may be screwed. You are wrong about her doing housework and all of that stuff. She has been lazy. I am hoping I won't be paying her alimony. She cheated on me, she has two jobs and is the one choosing to end the marriage. I am planning on using a mediator as well. She can take my money but she will never take my freedom!

 

"Take back your freedom," LOAO. Please, I don't need a hernia right now.

 

Paranoid? I'm making you get paranoid? You better take a good long look at your threads over the weekend, Surfer Boy! Oh, dear.

 

So if she hasn't been a good wife, why have you been married all these years? She must of done something right. She spent her youth with you, right? She made a home for you, right? What have you given her? Please tell us? What is she giving up? What sort of a husband were you? What did you offer her? Tell us. These are real questions you will focus on in a divorce proceeding.

 

How do you define "living the life?" How do you think the "life she is living" will change" before, during, and after the divorce process (if it even happens)? why don't you characterize the life she had with you as "living the life?" In what areas were you delinquent as a husband? What kind of sacrifices did she make for you? Have you tried putting the shoe on the other foot? That's what divorce is about. Both sides get heard.

 

Have you "been living the life?" Could she turn this same question around on you? What's your backyard look like? Why did she seek out this other man? Sorry, it's a well known fact that these kinds of indiscretions do not often occur in a vacuum. What's the missing link? So far, you are a perfect, blue eyed, sweet blond-haired, guitar-playing innocent surfer boy. What the real scoop here? What would your wife's complaint's be in her filing? Is it the Boy Scouts that say "always be prepared?" Please advise. Yas

Edited November 11, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

That's my name, don't wear it out.

[andyg99]

surf - your situation is not unique so finding a lawyer should be as easy as maybe seeing 3 in one or two days and then deciding right there who you will go with... will you drag the lawyer thing on like you are dragging your feet with everything else? you should have a lawyer right now and have the framework of this divorce DONE WITH!

[Yasuandio]

Your supporters are so correct. All you have to do is FIND the attorney you want to use. That is the first step.

 

You have all the freedom you could ask for, at the moment. You have the freedom to file or not file.

 

You need the attorney in place in the event your wife files. This is the point where you will likely lose some freedom.

 

Reasons To Have an Attoney (even if you don't file)

 

1. Your attorney could be there to respond (within 30 days) in the event your wife files.

 

2. In all likelihood she will be asking for the marital residence, which means you will have to leave. Your attorney could be working on arguments on why she should leave. Proper documentation of her comings and goings might demonstratethat you are in need of the residence more than her. An attorney will know how and what needs to be documented to prove your case.

 

3. Maybe your attorney has some idea to thwart your possible removal from the premises apriori. That would probably call for the proper collection of evidence (not amateur PI work on your part). You could begin working on this issue sooner rather than later.

 

 

These are just a few ideas so you don't get surprised when or if she files a divorce against you. Wouldn't you rather have your ducks in a row at the moment you may possibly receive these papers?

 

If you suspect a divorce is on the horizon, these types of items will solidify your position on the new behavior you are not prepared to condone. And you are going to have to demonstrate that fact as well -- cause the way it looks -- you will put up with almost anything (is there any thrush to that?) An attorney would be able to guide you on that matter as well.

 

Therefore, you don't have to file to need an attorney Surfer Dude. Listen to your LS people! Just because you seek council does not mean you are getting a divorce at that moment. You are simply looking into protecting your interests, and being prepared for the worse-case scenario. Yas

[marqueemoon4]

She is 100% on point. PROTECT YOURSELF. You really think in the emotional state you're both in you'll be able to settle things between the two of you? Please stop waffling and get this done. You will have so much more leverage. You think she she gives a frogs fat ass about your emotional or financial well being??? F her.

[Yasuandio]

Ditto. Once the divorce process begins, no matter who initiates it, it will be the most stressful period of your entire lifetime. You will be at your weakest point. Your decision making ability will be flawed.

 

While you have you act somewhat together, now is the absolute best time to get your background materials and data organized so your attorney can structure your case in your best interest.

 

Once a divorce has started you will be totally disoriented and depressed, no matter what side of the table you are on. It happens to everyone. Imagine how difficult it might be if you are forced to try your case living outside the home you are accustomed to.

 

Don't get paranoid, get smart. Now.

 

You will not be able to say "no one warned you."

 

You have had this subject dissected for you in numerous writing styles.

 

IMO, you have approached the "duh" moment of truth. Nothing personal.

 

Good luck.

[Surfer203]

I am aware of the important of protecting myself. Thanks for all of the commentary Yas. I have a ton to think about unfortunately.

 

I kind of want to just jump off a bridge to be honest. This sucks. My wife is acting like a psycho. The other day she told me she misses me as she was hysterically crying. This morning we talked about something non-important and she began to cry and tell me she does not want to upset me because it makes me sad.

 

I think this woman has some serious mood/depression issues. I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is I am backed way the hell up.

[marqueemoon4]

Man, one of you has to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, like yesterday.

[2sunny]

I am aware of the important of protecting myself. Thanks for all of the commentary Yas. I have a ton to think about unfortunately.

 

I kind of want to just jump off a bridge to be honest. This sucks. My wife is acting like a psycho. The other day she told me she misses me as she was hysterically crying. This morning we talked about something non-important and she began to cry and tell me she does not want to upset me because it makes me sad.

 

I think this woman has some serious mood/depression issues. I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is I am backed way the hell up.

 

stop wasting time "thinking about it" - start DOING!

 

you worry about how SHE feels more than yourself... her actions and non actions are designed to manipulate you...

 

it's pathetic to watch a man run to aid a woman who sheds a tear.

 

she says jump - and you say "how high?"

 

stop it!

 

her tears aren't for what you ASSUME they are.

 

you KNOW you're being played for a fool - and you just keep going back for more!

 

it's YOUR FAULT now - for the fact that you keep going back for more of the same $hit she keeps dishing out to you.

 

did she pay money?

 

did you demand it be paid the day you demanded it?

 

get a grip on reality man - she's using you for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you will ALLOW!

[Surfer203]

2sunny: Maybe I am pathetic. I can't help but be sympathetic or feel sorry for her or any one for that matter. I am just a really caring person, it's hard to disconnect and become cold for me.

[Steadfast]

You aren't pathetic, but you are stuck. That's an understatement, isn't it?

 

I've all but kicked your head in on recent posts, but I've told you several times, I emphasize. Did I ever tell you that at my divorce hearing, I sat -hoping against hope- staring at the doors of the hall. Waiting for her to rush in and say 'NO!". I allowed every one of the people present to get their divorces finalized until, a full hour past closing time at the court, I was alone. Last man standing...or in this case, sitting. Waiting. Instead of the clerk coming out to get me, the judge stuck her head out the door and said "She's not coming." I'd never met her, but she knew. So I went in.

 

The judge hugged me and said she was sorry. Incredibly, guess who was waiting in the drive when I got home? Yep. The newly christened ex. "How did it go?" she asked expectantly. I couldn't believe it. Still can't. Unreal.

 

Bottom line dude, if she loved you she's walk across hot coals to be with you. In every way. Loving wives yell, complain, and boss you around. Tell you your shirt looks stupid. They love enough to care and feel empowered to shun other men. You are theirs...their love and their commitment.

 

What it'll take for you is a story that's yet to be written. I can say this; the longer it drags out, the longer the unnatural pain will stay in your life.

 

It's bad surfer. It's bad for you. Bad for her too, in the long run.

[2sunny]

i appreciate you allowing me to understand that you aren't going to change.

 

it allows me to know that i don't need to waste anymore time or energy on making suggestions that may help you.

 

you are dead set to hang on - although it doesn't look like there's anything to hang on to - so i wish you well.

[Eye of Hourus]

Posted this on UOL's thread by mistake.

 

I have been watching and have been saddened by your current situation.

 

All I have to say is let go of the rope......

 

The Eye

 

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: Yep, stuck. That's a sad story you tell about court. Ugh, I am not looking forward to this and I know no one is. I am not trying to drag it out, I am just conflicted. She is messing with my mind.

 

2sunny: Thanks for your patience, sorry you feel like you are wasting your time but you have helped me a lot over the past year.

 

Eye: Thanks, it's hard to do.

 

__

 

This woman is messing with me... she sat down on the couch and talked to me for a while last night. I told her of a friend who was injured and in the hospital. She proceeded to give me a long hug as I laid there on the couch motionless. I am really upset about my friend. Anyway... I keep getting the impression she wants to be back with me. I really am not wanting to be back with her after all that has happened. Regardless it irritates me that she is wavering on her decision, or at least that's the impression she is giving me. I don't know what to think.

[marqueemoon4]

Uhm, you didn't set boundaries again. Don't let her in your personal space, and stop letting her manipulate you.

[Surfer203]

mm4: It's hard to set boundaries with a person who is so emotionally insane. She is all over the place. If she is manipulating me I still don't know what her goal is, for some reason I feel like it may be sincere... or she is possibly just crazy.