Rephrasing My Question

[His4Always]

I am starting a new thread because my last one was littered with irrelevant answers. I hope I can rephrase my question to receive applicable replies.

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

Please, if your goal is to tell me to leave the affair, please pass on this thread.

 

Thank you.

[wannabdone]

I posted on your last thread, and I will repost on your new one.

 

I am not telling you to leave, I am not saying he won't leave his W.

 

I am saying what I said in previous post, I think you are asking for adivse on something that is impossible to answer. You have accepted what you are in. So with that means that you will have good days, filled with the high that you get from being around him, and you will have bad days, where you are lonely and sad and hurt, and those days you will have to deal with the pain and emotion alone, because that is what you have accepted as your life.

 

I just don't think there is any real adivse to what you are asking. Good luck! I really hope you are able to handle it, being in an A that long does tend to make you nuts....trust me, I know.

 

If through your journey you figure out the answer to this, write a book about it. It would probably sell well!

[anacciguils]

Hi! Very interesting name by the forum http://www.loveshack.org It is a pity, that now I can not express - I am late for a meeting. But I will be released - I will necessarily write that I think on this question.

[Emme]

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

 

You suck it up and do what has to be done. No arguments no complaints.

 

Is that what you were looking for?

[jwi71]

I am starting a new thread because my last one was littered with irrelevant answers. I hope I can rephrase my question to receive applicable replies.

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

Please, if your goal is to tell me to leave the affair, please pass on this thread.

 

Thank you.

 

Well now you have substantially changed the question from your first post.

 

I digress. I will however answer your question - and not with more questions.

 

I am, again, equally sure you won't like as my answer is NOT likely to answer that which you seek (which is NOT what you asked).

 

In a RELATIONSHIP, you sit down and talk it out. You maybe take a vacation together. You surround yourself with friends and family and work it out. You reconnect. You split the chores. You surprise one another for lunch. You do all the little things which sometimes get forgotten in life with kids and bills and work and all the crap that takes time away from one another. In sum, you spend MORE time together. You maybe began a new joint hobby - maybe a dance class.

 

However, an A is an R...just a special type of one. And, as you are no doubt aware, one which largely precludes how couples get through the down times.

 

However, to make this specific to you, since his W knows and everyone is on it...why not ask his W for MORE time with her H? So you can maybe pursue the above? What's wrong with that?

[Silly_Girl]

I'm sorry that folk aren't able to be more focused on what you're asking. I think the new thread was a good idea. I'm not the patient sort so I set out my stall pretty quickly and was happy to move on, so I'm not the best person to answer.

 

But I do read with interest the posts by those who are settled and accept and understand the limitations of their EMR so I guess I can speak from what I've gleaned. First and foremost the EMR enhances their life, and they feel a very deep loving bond. In all romantic relationships I guess there's times where that's all we have to keep us together (the inevitable bad patches). Secondly they seem to have an open mind, the relationship MAY progress to something more, it may not. It's a satisfying relationship if it does, and it's a satisfying relationship if it doesn't. Not sure how you feel a about that? Also happy long-termers need to be independent and self-sufficient in terms of emotional needs (good friends, family etc) as well as social life, activities etc.

 

I imagine that if your only comfort through more challenging times is that one day you'll be together, that seems quite a precarious and fragile situation (and it is, I remember) so it's important there's so much more to your life. Some couples seem to have few friends and are very inter-dependent. That would drive me a bit bonkers and wouldn't be a good recipe for an extended EMR I'm guessing.

 

How about you? What are your thoughts on what makes the set-up successful and how one can get the most from it?

[wannabdone]

Well now you have substantially changed the question from your first post.

 

I digress. I will however answer your question - and not with more questions.

 

I am, again, equally sure you won't like as my answer is NOT likely to answer that which you seek (which is NOT what you asked).

 

In a RELATIONSHIP, you sit down and talk it out. You maybe take a vacation together. You surround yourself with friends and family and work it out. You reconnect. You split the chores. You surprise one another for lunch. You do all the little things which sometimes get forgotten in life with kids and bills and work and all the crap that takes time away from one another. In sum, you spend MORE time together. You maybe began a new joint hobby - maybe a dance class.

 

However, an A is an R...just a special type of one. And, as you are no doubt aware, one which largely precludes how couples get through the down times.

 

However, to make this specific to you, since his W knows and everyone is on it...why not ask his W for MORE time with her H? So you can maybe pursue the above? What's wrong with that?

 

That is a good point!!! If the W knows, essentially this has become an open M. So, split time with him.

[woinlove]

I am starting a new thread because my last one was littered with irrelevant answers. I hope I can rephrase my question to receive applicable replies.

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

Please, if your goal is to tell me to leave the affair, please pass on this thread.

 

Thank you.

 

Is that really the question you want answered? I'm in a long term relationship, my marriage, but it isn't a matter managing, it is a matter of savouring, devouring, living and lots of loving. Even the downs are better having a loved one to share them with.

 

But I think what you perhaps meant to ask is how do women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships that they are not very happy or satisfied with. Is that correct? Because if one is happy and satisfied, you don't feel like you are "managing" your R. So, if that is what you wanted to ask, I think a lot of women make whatever change is needed in order to be happy and satisfied. For those who don't want to make a change - is there actually anything they can do?

[MissBee]

I am starting a new thread because my last one was littered with irrelevant answers. I hope I can rephrase my question to receive applicable replies.

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

Please, if your goal is to tell me to leave the affair, please pass on this thread.

 

Thank you.

 

That is a vague question. Ups and downs take a multiplicity of forms and each type of relationship sees different kinds of ups and downs.

 

I would more liken an A type of relationship, in which one has to wait for years before being together full time, more akin to maybe long distance relationships...which pose a different set of challenges. Those who have been in long distance relationships, who have relationships with someone who travels a lot for their profession and cannot be around and then those who are married to prisoners, may have some insight. Those relationships pose unique challenges, as do As.

 

What do you want to know how to manage specifically? Example: a woman who dates a soldier could probably ask "How do other military wives deal with deployment, how do you help your kids? How do you retain intimacy?" Stuff like that gives more pointed answers....as it is a specific question and practical answers can be given. So it would help to frame the question in terms of the realistic challenges of your situation, whatever they are, and how to deal versus making it more and more vague.

[Lucky_One]

You fill your life with outside activities and people that bring you joy and peace. You learn to speak a foreign language and then travel with your class to the country, you take cooking classes, you go to work and do things to further your career, you exercise, you get a dog, you start to refinish furniture, you paint your house one room at a time by yourself.

 

In short, you don't live waiting for something that (ooops I'm gonna say it and tick you off) might not happen. By the time younger child goes off to college, older child might be planning a wedding or having a first grandchild. So, you make your life happy all by yourself, so that when/if you do see him or have an open R with him, he ADDS to your happiness/contentment level rather than him BEING your happiness or contentment.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it's weird that you felt you needed to "rephrase" your question in order to somehow get exactly the answer you want to hear.

 

Even very committed "OW's" are not going to be able to give you any answer better than this one from your other thread:

 

IMHO, You always need to focus on the present not the future in these situations. If you so enjoy him that even if he doesnt leave in 5 years, you willl be happy for yuor time together, then you are going to be fine. If your eye is on the prize so to speak, it may well be a very trying 5 years.

 

That's because it's simply the TRUTH, and not only "in these situations."

 

In ANY situation, all you really have is the present, though future plans are made and hoped for.

 

Besides enjoying the scraps you receive from the family man, in order to successfully get through the trying times, you need to have a completely fulfilling life aside from him and your relationship with him.

 

I hope you have an intensely demanding career, a beloved and challenging avocation (like crocheting), and a brilliant social life and busy calendar filled with vacations and outings with dear and stimulating friends and family members.

 

Also, though you certainly don't want to hear this; why not be open to dating others during the 5 year waiting period? Just in case? There might be an uncommitted, wonderful man who is hoping to meet a woman just like you, TODAY.

[MissBee]

Is that really the question you want answered? I'm in a long term relationship, my marriage, but it isn't a matter managing, it is a matter of savouring, devouring, living and lots of loving. Even the downs are better having a loved one to share them with.

 

But I think what you perhaps meant to ask is how do women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships that they are not very happy or satisfied with. Is that correct? Because if one is happy and satisfied, you don't feel like you are "managing" your R. So, if that is what you wanted to ask, I think a lot of women make whatever change is needed in order to be happy and satisfied. For those who don't want to make a change - is there actually anything they can do?

 

Great point!

 

I have made that point before on LS...that I can't be in a relationship that I need support for and I need to manage in a unique way. I think one can rephrase the question as much as one wants, but the pink elephant is still there, that basically this relationship poses a very different set of challenges than average and it is better IMO to be frank about that. I mean if you decide to wait for your AP...own it, own the challenegs, admit the unique problems you'll encounter and then try to work through that instead of trying to use euphemisms to downplay the reality.

[26pointblue]

You tell yourself 'I wish I had more, but this is what I signed up for, & I have to accept it.'

 

Signed,

 

An former OW who settled, until she didn't.

[MissBee]

I think it's weird that you felt you needed to "rephrase" your question in order to somehow get exactly the answer you want to hear.

 

Even very committed "OW's" are not going to be able to give you any answer better than this one from your other thread:

 

 

 

That's because it's simply the TRUTH, and not only "in these situations."

 

In ANY situation, all you really have is the present, though future plans are made and hoped for.

 

Besides enjoying the scraps you receive from the family man, in order to successfully get through the trying times, you need to have a completely fulfilling life aside from him and your relationship with him.

 

I hope you have an intensely demanding career, a beloved and challenging avocation (like crocheting), and a brilliant social life and busy calendar filled with vacations and outings with dear and stimulating friends and family members.

 

Also, though you certainly don't want to hear this; why not be open to dating others during the 5 year waiting period? Just in case? There might be an uncommitted, wonderful man who is hoping to meet a woman just like you, TODAY.

 

I think that is a good point!

 

I think that if one is going to remain married, live with another woman and for all intents and purposes, seem like a couple to your kids, family, friends etc. Then it is unfair to expect exclusivity from the other partner and sacrificial but foolish IMO of the single partner to claim exclusivity for 5 years to this person.

 

In my 2.5 year A...I wasn't exclusive. We got into arguments about it all the time, because he wanted me to play the role of an exclusive gf but I told him frankly that while I do love him and none of the other men I may talk to are special to me, I cannot and will not uphold a facade of having a normal, exclusive relationship with him when it is just going to be me that is exclusive! I love you but I am not completely insane . That in it self still posed a challenge as I was trying to "protect myself" by keeping my options open, but how ironic, because I loved someone else, I was not fully open to ever finding a commitment elsewhere, even though I had others around. It was also, "don't ask, don't tell". I was supposed to know and be okay with him having another, but he would have a conniption about my doings and I of course sometimes felt guilty that I was 'cheating" on him...but what I did was just not tell him and skirt around it and when he asked frankly, I'd lie by omission. So there we were: him with 2 gfs, me with 1 boyfriend but talking to others sometimes, him expecting me to know and be fine with his dealings so he would admit some things to me and not others and I am lying to him about what I'm doing so he doesn't feel like I am being unfaithful. Not to mention explaining my relationship status to others...quite complicated. "I have a kind of boyfriend but he has another gf, so I still talk to other people. It's an open relationship but in fact he doesn't think it's open as he believes I am exclusively with him, but on his end I know it's open.".... It was all very charming.....

Edited September 21, 2011 by MissBee

[Avery]

Oh Just bypass him all together.

 

Call his wife, and let her know the current situation is just not working for you, and negotiate more time.

 

Women are usually more practical in these matters. Think "Sister Wives".

[whichwayisup]

As I said on your other thread.. You live your own life, don't put him first. You're not building a "life" with him (yet) so don't include him in every single part of yours since you're not in all of his.

 

Take the good with the bad and just accept things as they are for the next 5+ years while he's still married, understand your role in his life as the OW.

[His4Always]

As I said on your other thread.. You live your own life, don't put him first. You're not building a "life" with him (yet) so don't include him in every single part of yours since you're not in all of his.

 

Take the good with the bad and just accept things as they are for the next 5+ years while he's still married, understand your role in his life as the OW.

I know that I am much more than the other woman in his life but yes, I have a nice life. With or without him, I am happy, but I'm so fulfilled with him in my life.

[SoMovinOn]

His4 ... I am not an OW, I am an OM. Same situation pretty much.

 

The best way to handle the downs is to focus on just living your life and moving forward. Do the things you enjoy doing. Go out, have fun, or, stay in and have fun. ... and sometimes, if you feel bad because you miss him or for any other reason, just go ahead and feel bad. Sometimes the best way to work through bad feelings is to just feel them. No problem with that if it's short term, just don't allow bad feelings to consume you.

[His4Always]

You tell yourself 'I wish I had more, but this is what I signed up for, & I have to accept it.'

 

Signed,

 

An former OW who settled, until she didn't.

Why do you feel like you settled? Did you love each other?

I don't feel like I am settling, but I understand that some in my position do feel that way. Did you always feel that way? If you did, why did you stay?

 

I hope you find a fulfilling relationship soon.

[His4Always]

His4 ... I am not an OW, I am an OM. Same situation pretty much.

 

The best way to handle the downs is to focus on just living your life and moving forward. Do the things you enjoy doing. Go out, have fun, or, stay in and have fun. ... and sometimes, if you feel bad because you miss him or for any other reason, just go ahead and feel bad. Sometimes the best way to work through bad feelings is to just feel them. No problem with that if it's short term, just don't allow bad feelings to consume you.

Hi,

Thank you for this. It seems like most people out there are of the opinion that people in extra marital relationships shouldn't have feelings. Thank you for saying that.

 

No, I don't dwell. I am feeling better this afternoon.

 

I hope everything goes well for you.

[SoMovinOn]

Hi,

Thank you for this. It seems like most people out there are of the opinion that people in extra marital relationships shouldn't have feelings. Thank you for saying that.

 

No, I don't dwell. I am feeling better this afternoon.

 

I hope everything goes well for you.

 

I saw your happy post and responded with my own "Why do I love her" list. Maybe you should tape your list to your mirror or somewhere. When you are feeling down, look at the list to remind yourself why you love him so much. The other benefit of having it up would be that you could add to it whenever you thought of something else!

[26pointblue]

Why do you feel like you settled? Did you love each other?

I don't feel like I am settling, but I understand that some in my position do feel that way. Did you always feel that way? If you did, why did you stay?

 

I hope you find a fulfilling relationship soon.

 

I settled like you are doing - feeling down when I couldn't be with him & when he couldn't give me the time & priority I now know I deserve.

 

I have found a fulfilling relationship, thanks. :-) And I hope you soon wise up & stop settling.

 

PS - I think you are here just to stir the pot & hurl curt barbs at people, such as, 'I hope you find a fulfilling relationship', assuming that I haven't (for the record, first I found a fulfilling relationship with myself & then I found it with a single guy). So either you're a troll or you're delusional & just want to hear what you want to hear from people rather than facing your own truth aka you're settling for second best. Either way, good luck with that.

Edited September 22, 2011 by 26pointblue

[NoIDidn't]

Is that really the question you want answered? I'm in a long term relationship, my marriage, but it isn't a matter managing, it is a matter of savouring, devouring, living and lots of loving. Even the downs are better having a loved one to share them with.

 

But I think what you perhaps meant to ask is how do women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships that they are not very happy or satisfied with. Is that correct? Because if one is happy and satisfied, you don't feel like you are "managing" your R. So, if that is what you wanted to ask, I think a lot of women make whatever change is needed in order to be happy and satisfied. For those who don't want to make a change - is there actually anything they can do?

 

Great post!

 

You fill your life with outside activities and people that bring you joy and peace. You learn to speak a foreign language and then travel with your class to the country, you take cooking classes, you go to work and do things to further your career, you exercise, you get a dog, you start to refinish furniture, you paint your house one room at a time by yourself.

 

In short, you don't live waiting for something that (ooops I'm gonna say it and tick you off) might not happen. By the time younger child goes off to college, older child might be planning a wedding or having a first grandchild. So, you make your life happy all by yourself, so that when/if you do see him or have an open R with him, he ADDS to your happiness/contentment level rather than him BEING your happiness or contentment.

 

I can't imagine this advice being given to someone in a non-affair type relationship. It sounds like the advice you give a person that's going through a break up or someone that's still looking for that special someone. It doesn't at all sound like the person receiving this advice already has that person. No one would ever tell me to go out and develop a full life that didn't include my H.

 

Just weird.

 

(Its good advice, Lucky One, it just seems out of place for someone in a good relationship)

[wannabdone]

I settled like you are doing - feeling down when I couldn't be with him & when he couldn't give me the time & priority I now know I deserve.

 

I have found a fulfilling relationship, thanks. :-) And I hope you soon wise up & stop settling.

 

PS - I think you are here just to stir the pot & hurl curt barbs at people, such as, 'I hope you find a fulfilling relationship', assuming that I haven't (for the record, first I found a fulfilling relationship with myself & then I found it with a single guy). So either you're a troll or you're delusional & just want to hear what you want to hear from people rather than facing your own truth aka you're settling for second best. Either way, good luck with that.

 

 

You know.... I was kind of wondering the same thing. Seems weird. The reason is... 1-If you are so happy and fulfilled, why all the time on a forum. I mean, I bet I have seen what...4 threads started today. 2-the method in which you write it. I would think that if you were a happily involved OW with a MM, you would be offering support to people going through it. However, when I read your posts, its very condensending and loaded with sacrasim. Its almost like you are rubbing people's faces in the fact that you are so happy. You will also respond to people in a very passive agressive manner, picking at them to get them mad. By the way do you not get that there are a lot of people on this who are very hurt? And that possibly it doesn't lend a lot of support going about things they way you are? So I would think if you were a OW, you would be very sympathetic to what they are going through and offer support from your end. The site isn't just for people who were in A's that didn't work, NO.... its for both sides. People that are getting out and people that are staying in it. But mostly it is here for support. If you want to just jog down your happy memories, get a diary. Or go tell your friends.

I always hope that people who truly love eachother work it out. I am a advocate for love. And if you are who you say, then I hope happiness for you, and I mean that without the sacrastic tone you have put on others posts.

 

Again, if you are going through what you say you are, I think you need to rethink some things. Get on here and offer support to these people. Tell them how you get through it and why. Don't make side notes of who and who can not post on your thread. Don't make people feel worse. And don't put people down in a passive agressive manner. IMO, you seem to be doing a whole lot of **** stirring, than you are really offering support. If your personality on this forum represents your personality in real life, you seem very much a woman who will stay in a A for the rest of your life. Because to me you seem like someone who just likes to make others feel bad.

[MissBee]

You know.... I was kind of wondering the same thing. Seems weird. The reason is... 1-If you are so happy and fulfilled, why all the time on a forum. I mean, I bet I have seen what...4 threads started today. 2-the method in which you write it. I would think that if you were a happily involved OW with a MM, you would be offering support to people going through it. However, when I read your posts, its very condensending and loaded with sacrasim. Its almost like you are rubbing people's faces in the fact that you are so happy. You will also respond to people in a very passive agressive manner, picking at them to get them mad. By the way do you not get that there are a lot of people on this who are very hurt? And that possibly it doesn't lend a lot of support going about things they way you are? So I would think if you were a OW, you would be very sympathetic to what they are going through and offer support from your end. The site isn't just for people who were in A's that didn't work, NO.... its for both sides. People that are getting out and people that are staying in it. But mostly it is here for support. If you want to just jog down your happy memories, get a diary. Or go tell your friends.

I always hope that people who truly love eachother work it out. I am a advocate for love. And if you are who you say, then I hope happiness for you, and I mean that without the sacrastic tone you have put on others posts.

 

Again, if you are going through what you say you are, I think you need to rethink some things. Get on here and offer support to these people. Tell them how you get through it and why. Don't make side notes of who and who can not post on your thread. Don't make people feel worse. And don't put people down in a passive agressive manner. IMO, you seem to be doing a whole lot of **** stirring, than you are really offering support. If your personality on this forum represents your personality in real life, you seem very much a woman who will stay in a A for the rest of your life. Because to me you seem like someone who just likes to make others feel bad.

 

I spit my tea out when I read the bolded about if you just want to jot happy memories down, you should get a diary

 

I agree though. I mean the truth is "a support and discussion" board does not usually pertain to people simply coming online to talk about how great their life is. I mean honestly. When your life is great there is nothing to discuss or be supported about! I will cite the "Happy" thread that has been ongoing here...I mean the postings are very different. It's like a stream of consciousness where people just say what they are happy about and others may congratulate them or comment but more or less it is not a type of thread that is about "supporting" or "discussing"...happiness is just a fact....it simply is...there is nothing to discuss and be supported about, certainly not online, when it comes on to your happiness.

 

I have never heard of anyone going on an "Engagement Support Board". If there is a board for engaged people, I am sure the way it is marketed and how they label it doesn't include the word "support" as support connotes a very particular thing. Which is the point...most likely anyone who Googled to find LS was probably Googling something along the lines of support to find this site. You may not be depressed, you may not be terribly hurt...but one things for sure, SOMETHING about your relationship perturbs you or else you would not be on a forum. You would just be living your relationship as it comes, not trying to seek advice about it and worst yet...get online just to jot down good things about it. Maybe it's just me, but when I am all happy and inlove and secure with my man, I only gush to my friends IRL and I am too busy living life and being with him to Google forums to talk about how great things are...but hey...

Edited September 22, 2011 by MissBee