Rephrasing My Question

[SoMovinOn]

I can't imagine this advice being given to someone in a non-affair type relationship. It sounds like the advice you give a person that's going through a break up or someone that's still looking for that special someone. It doesn't at all sound like the person receiving this advice already has that person. No one would ever tell me to go out and develop a full life that didn't include my H.

 

Just weird.

 

(Its good advice, Lucky One, it just seems out of place for someone in a good relationship)

 

Just reading a day or two of the advice column or relationship column in your local paper would provide a number of examples where this same advice would apply. I think Dear Abby runs a weekly column about some couple who has been dating or living together for far longer than one of them would like, there has been an ongoing promise of marriage, but it never happens.

[NoIDidn't]

Just reading a day or two of the advice column or relationship column in your local paper would provide a number of examples where this same advice would apply. I think Dear Abby runs a weekly column about some couple who has been dating or living together for far longer than one of them would like, there has been an ongoing promise of marriage, but it never happens.

 

But those people sound like they are breaking up in those columns. Every column I've read comes across as "i'm mostly satisfied BUT...."

 

Happy people in a relationship aren't ever advised to pursue a life that doesn't include the other. A person not happy about the fact that their relationship hasn't moved in the direction that they want, is not happy in that relationship.

 

Are you unintentionally confirming what many think of such inquiries? That they aren't made by people that are truly happy with their relationship? Are these kinds of questions borne out of the on-going promise of marriage that doesn't materialize?

 

See what I mean of how the advice usually given to an OW wanting to know how to tolerate her R/A doesn't jibe with the advice given to someone that's not looking for coping mechanisms for an unhealthy dynamic?

[MissBee]

But those people sound like they are breaking up in those columns. Every column I've read comes across as "i'm mostly satisfied BUT...."

 

Happy people in a relationship aren't ever advised to pursue a life that doesn't include the other. A person not happy about the fact that their relationship hasn't moved in the direction that they want, is not happy in that relationship.

 

Are you unintentionally confirming what many think of such inquiries? That they aren't made by people that are truly happy with their relationship? Are these kinds of questions borne out of the on-going promise of marriage that doesn't materialize?

 

See what I mean of how the advice usually given to an OW wanting to know how to tolerate her R/A doesn't jibe with the advice given to someone that's not looking for coping mechanisms for an unhealthy dynamic?

 

I made a similar point in another thread in which SMO was saying some people are happy with their As but want to discuss issues and my thing too was that they are "Happy but" "Happy except"...there is some fine print!

 

I don't do "happy but"...everything that includes a but has modified the original thing and the original thing no longer counts as how it normally would.

 

If you would rather not be in an A or wish your partner wasn't married or if you're dating a man and wish he had more money or was better in bed or anything...you're "happy but" and the idea of settling comes up. Your values and standards are your own (they may or may not be realistic of they may not be a priority to others) but nonetheless anything less than what would be your ultimate means you're settling or not fully happy. You either learn to like what you've got and not complain about it and not find it to be an issue or you continue to do so and then your happiness becomes questionable...

 

I certainly wasn't unhappy or depressed in my A but I was "happy but" and happy but eventually lead into more and more dissatisfaction until i was like "eff it...this but is too much" and it undermined the entire relationship.

[SoMovinOn]

But those people sound like they are breaking up in those columns. Every column I've read comes across as "i'm mostly satisfied BUT...."

 

I think the nature of an A, in many instances (but not all), would be such that there are things one "deals with", even if they are happy with the relationship overall. In most cases, the AP is not always available, they may not have the opportunity to spend as much time together as they would like. Even if everything is going well, the single AP may have some thoughts about whether or not they are doing the right thing or other issues. Having issues in and of itself doesn't indicate an overall unhappiness with the R.

 

Of course, those same issues can come up and may apply in any other R as well. Separation, not being able to call any time, not being able to see each other when you want to or as often as you want to ... those are the norm in military relationships as well, although, for different reasons. Dealing with those things doesn't change though - you deal with the ups and downs the same way.

[pureinheart]

I am starting a new thread because my last one was littered with irrelevant answers. I hope I can rephrase my question to receive applicable replies.

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

Please, if your goal is to tell me to leave the affair, please pass on this thread.

 

Thank you.

 

My AP is not M anymore, he and his wife divorced.

 

I managed everything really well when we were working together and saw each other everyday, although when he got laid off we began to experience a major communication breakdown.

 

I felt like we had nothing but a workplace relationship based on this new behavior. He changed a lot and I was priddy crushed, although kept it together knowing that no matter what I would be okay.

 

After some time I went NC and about 4 mo later received a call from him letting me know he was no longer with his wife.

 

I think I handled things priddy good most of the time...

 

I haven't read your thread yet, but I really hope that your OP was answered the way you asked.

[Gentlegirl]

Guess you mean OW as an AP.

 

Well, I struggled for almost three years with a lot of issues.

 

There was the loneliness... knowing he was at home with his W and hopping into bed with her every night. I guess I blocked that out for a long time. From 5 until 9 the next morning, I rarely heard from him and I was not allowed to contact him.

 

He could never be there on significant occasions. Well, I had other people who were , but I always missed him.

 

Then there were the trips and holidays with his wife.... I simply wouldn't be in contact with him until he came back. It was my way of coping.

 

He used to say we would work around all his ****.

 

In the end I said... It's your **** and you work around it. He chose to walk away from the **** and go back to his wife as though nothing had ever happened.

 

No.. I'm not going to tell you to leave.

 

For me it was leave or go insane with depression and misery.

 

Best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl.

[woinlove]

I think the nature of an A, in many instances (but not all), would be such that there are things one "deals with", even if they are happy with the relationship overall. In most cases, the AP is not always available, they may not have the opportunity to spend as much time together as they would like. Even if everything is going well, the single AP may have some thoughts about whether or not they are doing the right thing or other issues. Having issues in and of itself doesn't indicate an overall unhappiness with the R.

 

Of course, those same issues can come up and may apply in any other R as well. Separation, not being able to call any time, not being able to see each other when you want to or as often as you want to ... those are the norm in military relationships as well, although, for different reasons. Dealing with those things doesn't change though - you deal with the ups and downs the same way.

 

I do think the different reasons matter and affect how one deals with the ups and downs. You mention military relationships. My understanding is that pride in the reason for the separation/risk (service to a greater good, service to country) is an important element and if that disappears (one becomes disillusioned about the good or purpose in that) it is much more difficult.

 

Perhaps there is a bit of a parallel if one take some kind of "pride" in the marriage of the MM/MW. For example thinking the MM/MW is a great parent, staying for the children and doing the "right thing". Seems like a bit of a stretch (in comparison to service to country) but it is not that uncommon to hear this line of reasoning -- perhaps demonstrating the need for something equivalent to pride to ease the pain of the circumstances of the A.

Edited September 22, 2011 by woinlove

[woinlove]

 

Ummmm....comparing relationships in military families with affairs kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry.

 

I agree and should have said something in my earlier post. There is no ethical equivalency at all - rather the opposite, in fact.

[mzdolphin]

You suck it up and do what has to be done. No arguments no complaints.

 

Is that what you were looking for?

 

This is pretty much it. I was in this situation a few months. You must decide your life is second, his needs come first. Because that is the situation you have accepted. Because his needs from you and his wife are being met. Your needs are not. Once you convince yourself you are ok with that, the rest will probably be easy.

 

The hardest part will be dealing with friends and family members who see your decision as self-destructive. Because if they love you, that's the way they will see it, simply because they believe, even if you don't, that you deserve better.

[NoIDidn't]

I think the nature of an A, in many instances (but not all), would be such that there are things one "deals with", even if they are happy with the relationship overall. In most cases, the AP is not always available, they may not have the opportunity to spend as much time together as they would like. Even if everything is going well, the single AP may have some thoughts about whether or not they are doing the right thing or other issues. Having issues in and of itself doesn't indicate an overall unhappiness with the R.

 

Of course, those same issues can come up and may apply in any other R as well. Separation, not being able to call any time, not being able to see each other when you want to or as often as you want to ... those are the norm in military relationships as well, although, for different reasons. Dealing with those things doesn't change though - you deal with the ups and downs the same way.

 

I think to equate an affair to a military relationship is a stretch. But I guess at the end of the day it could be seen as similar, just that the affair can get you demoted and reprimanded in the military.

 

I wouldn't date anyone in the military because of the long stretches of them being gone and the secrecy that often came with their jobs. I've worked with the military enough to know it wouldn't appeal to me.

 

I'm stuck on the encouragement to develop a full life away from the partner. Its not bad advice on one level, but its not the kind of advice that would make the couple "closer". OPs often report that the spouses of the MP they are dating are living "separate lives". I can't see how telling someone to tolerate a relationship by having a separate life is going to help them in the long run.

[SoMovinOn]

I do think the different reasons matter and affect how one deals with the ups and downs. You mention military relationships. My understanding is that pride in the reason for the separation/risk (service to a greater good, service to country) is an important element and if that disappears (one becomes disillusioned about the good or purpose in that) it is much more difficult.

 

With a decade of experience in the military, I can tell you the pride of serving your country (or your spouse serving your country) never seemed to be a factor in what happens in the R. If anything, it's the opposite - you come back from deployment, you're supposed to have some time at home, something comes up and all of the sudden you're gone again. That seems to create quite a bit of resentment towards Uncle Sam.

 

I imagine the percentages for infidelity are significantly higher in the military too. No sneaking around needed when you know your spouse is thousands of miles away and not coming home for months. There were plenty of wives who would drop H off at the pier in the morning, and pick up BF to move him in on her way back to the house.

[SoMovinOn]

Ummmm....comparing relationships in military families with affairs kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry.

 

Then don't make a comparison of the two - just go with my original comment, that a lot of the same issues come up - not being able to be together when you want to, not being able to call any time you want to, etc. ... and deal with the downs the same way military spouses do. ... the comparison is how people deal with downs in relationships.

[SoMovinOn]

I'm stuck on the encouragement to develop a full life away from the partner. Its not bad advice on one level' date=' but its not the kind of advice that would make the couple "closer". OPs often report that the spouses of the MP they are dating are living "separate lives". I can't see how telling someone to tolerate a relationship by having a separate life is going to help them in the long run.[/quote']

 

Which is exactly what you end up doing in the military. Both of you end up living very separate and different lives. The hard part is when you come home. The spouse at home has established a routine. The returning spouse expects to walk back into the life he/she had when they left. It's a difficult transition. ... and then you leave again.

 

In that manner - each of you living your own life, while somehow also maintaining a "together" relationship, and the ways you would deal with that, are a direct parallel to doing those same exact things in an A relationship. *Why* you are doing those things doesn't change any of it.

[His4Always]

A person not happy about the fact that their relationship hasn't moved in the direction that they want, is not happy in that relationship.

Oh I disagree! If we all had to be perfectly happy in any R, then we wouldn't have any R's at all.

[herenow]

Anyone who says their relationship does not have ups and downs is not being truthful IMO. However, in a healthy, loving relationship, the people involved can work together to solve any issues. If no mutual solution can be found, then the relationship is bound to fail IMO.

[cloudoflovliness]

"The purpose of life is not to be happy...It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well..."

 

This is how you can deal with the ups and downs...

Apply this to any situation with ups and downs and adjust accordingly...

 

You will find peace and love of self..... that is something that no one can take from you but you can give it away...

 

Have a fabulous day!

[SoMovinOn]

im sorry, but i am a military spouse, and i find the comparison to be quite offensive as well as inaccurate., but of course you certainly are entitled to your opinion.

 

I'm a vet, with a decade of military service. I find nothing offensive about comparing a relationship with limited contact with another relationship with limited contact, when the question is about how one deals with feeling down.

 

 

the downs you refer to in affair are, at least in my opinion, solely due to the nature of the relationship, and the people involved have a choice in how the relationship plays out. They have control over what is going on in their lives. This is NOT the same as being married to a spouse in the military.

 

I wasn't drafted. I volunteered. No one held a gun to me head when I reenlisted. Being in the military is a choice. Continuing to stay in the military is a choice. How one deals with feeling down has nothing to do with whether or not they are feeling that way due to military service or some other reason.

 

Given the high occurrence of infidelity in the military, how might a military spouse who is missing both her H and her AP deal with feeling down?

[NoIDidn't]

Oh I disagree! If we all had to be perfectly happy in any R, then we wouldn't have any R's at all.

 

I probably did overstate that a bit. There is longing when you want the relationship to take on something a bit more permanent/open/secure like marriage, or living together. I certainly don't think people have to be perfectly happy, its just that its clear that people writing to advice columns and forums about the things in their relationship that concern them aren't doing so because they are happy. They are doing so because they are looking for ways to deal with something that has the potential to affect their happiness.

[His4Always]

I probably did overstate that a bit. There is longing when you want the relationship to take on something a bit more permanent/open/secure like marriage' date=' or living together. I certainly don't think people have to be perfectly happy, its just that its clear that people writing to advice columns and forums about the things in their relationship that concern them aren't doing so because they are happy. They are doing so because they are looking for ways to deal with something that has the potential to affect their happiness.[/quote']

I understand what you are saying. However, I also belong to a forum on scrapbooking. We're not there because we are unhappy scrapbooking, we are there to share.

 

Yes, I am aware that scrapbooking is not like an EMR, but it is always nice to have a place to go to share what we go through in an EMR.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes, I am aware that scrapbooking is not like an EMR, but it is always nice to have a place to go to share what we go through in an EMR.

 

Using the words "what we go through" sounds like a desire to find commonality in some sort of problem to me.

 

I'm really not trying to be so thick or be underhanded, I'm just not sure how to mentally catalog this desire. People do it in all types of relationships, so its just odd when its done in an affair. People in affairs aren't always forthcoming about their difficulties with it until its over and they didn't get what they wanted out of it (I'm oversimplifying this, so apologies if I've offended anyone).

 

Maybe I just need to check my filter.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But, come on. Everybody here knows that there exist fora that are 100% for boosterism of one OW to another. It's all about the "celebrating," and OW's banding together in support of each other and usually, in trashing of "bitter" wives.

 

They are easy to find, and we ALL know how to go there if we want to.

 

This particular forum has a different culture. Anybody who participates here has their reasons for doing so.

[His4Always]

But, come on. Everybody here knows that there exist fora that are 100% for boosterism of one OW to another. It's all about the "celebrating," and OW's banding together in support of each other and usually, in trashing of "bitter" wives.

 

They are easy to find, and we ALL know how to go there if we want to.

 

This particular forum has a different culture. Anybody who participates here has their reasons for doing so.

You must know more than I do. I found one other forum that was open to viewing, and one other that was closed to viewing. I applied to both. One never responded and the other replied that they were not accepting new members. I didn't read anything about trashing wives, but you must be familiar with something I am not.

 

I appreciate your comment on the culture here though. I will try to adjust my posting to fit in better.

[jthorne]

Using the words "what we go through" sounds like a desire to find commonality in some sort of problem to me.

 

I'm really not trying to be so thick or be underhanded, I'm just not sure how to mentally catalog this desire. People do it in all types of relationships, so its just odd when its done in an affair. People in affairs aren't always forthcoming about their difficulties with it until its over and they didn't get what they wanted out of it (I'm oversimplifying this, so apologies if I've offended anyone).

 

Maybe I just need to check my filter.

Your filter is not off. I was reading one of the posts, and I haven't thought about my past situation in a long long time, but it reminded me of what brought me here. I had to shake my head and laugh.

 

We had had an argument, and I mentioned that I needed to find someone or some place that could give me the answers in making the situation better. He said, "Yeah, well while you're at it, be sure and tell them that we live (blank) miles away and that my wife is (blank) and we are locked into this situation."

 

I was furious at the time, but thinking of it today, I just had to laugh at myself, how naive and silly my thinking was. That I was going to find someone to reveal to me the secret to staying in a LD EA with someone else's husband! I'm still laughing at how ridiculous that was.

[Capris]

 

How do other women manage the ups and downs of their long term relationships?

 

 

 

Focus on yourself. Do not forget your life. Act like you are single, minus the dating other men (unless you are ok with that(.

 

Dont lose your friends, do not plan your life around his, stick to your interests.

No, matter what.

 

Its easy for them to ask for your 100% attention and even easier for you to give it to him, but they always forget that their life is already full.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You must know more than I do.

 

I know how to Google as well as the next guy. I bet you do too.