Weird story...fwb? nothing more?

[Bateman]

So I have known this girl since I was in high school. We kept in touch through out college and dated people, etc. Somehow over this past summer we started hooking up and for a while i didn't see a problem with it. One of her ex boyfriends (whom I have been friends with before during and after their relationship) has told me some things about her that I had never known. They dated for about 3 years that ended longer than 2 years ago and she has dated since then. But one of the guys she dated since then, she cheated on with the other ex bf. This throws up a major red flag for me. She has been distant the last couple of weeks but it is excusable since she's been busy GRE studying and stuff.

 

What bothers me is she is leaving this weekend presumably to study and take the test which is in a different town. The town that her most recent ex lives in and she will probably be staying with him.

 

I'm not sure how, or even if i should, approach her about this. We are not serious but it still bothers me. I want to let her do her thing but I don't want her to slip away. Any opinions?

[breakfastmeat]

So I have known this girl since I was in high school. We kept in touch through out college and dated people, etc. Somehow over this past summer we started hooking up and for a while i didn't see a problem with it. One of her ex boyfriends (whom I have been friends with before during and after their relationship) has told me some things about her that I had never known. They dated for about 3 years that ended longer than 2 years ago and she has dated since then. But one of the guys she dated since then, she cheated on with the other ex bf. This throws up a major red flag for me. She has been distant the last couple of weeks but it is excusable since she's been busy GRE studying and stuff.

 

What bothers me is she is leaving this weekend presumably to study and take the test which is in a different town. The town that her most recent ex lives in and she will probably be staying with him.

 

I'm not sure how, or even if i should, approach her about this. We are not serious but it still bothers me. I want to let her do her thing but I don't want her to slip away. Any opinions?

 

You've obviously developed a certain level of feelings with her which is going to make the situation difficult. I've been going through something sort of similar as well with a longterm friend. Perhaps you can gain something from my position, I don't know? I've had to work on pushing my soppy emotions and romantic imagination aside to look at things from a cooly logical point of view, and frankly it's causing me to be somewhat angry/hostile with this person because of things that have been said that I felt were insensitive. I handled my situation with him foolishly and accidentally got emotionally involved when there were absolutely zero similar feelings on his end. I don't know if you're in a similar boat, but it sure sucks being stuck in it. All I can say is if you determine the situation isn't good for you, try to turn your thoughts elsewhere to more positive things, such as an enthusiasm for finding someone that is better for you and doesn't cause you distress. I've had to face that this person has left me with distress that he isn't worth feeling over, and that thought has made me angry with myself and my handling of the situation.

 

It's a mixed up story but it started with him approaching me to be an FWB and it went downhill from there. I had feelings for him beyond that that I shared with him, he didn't for me (all he says is "I don't know" and "I don't know what I feel" when I asked him if he had any interest in me), and so it has gone down the proverbial crapper.

 

I'll add that I've gotten a few mixed signals from him which have only increased my distress and caused me to make an effort to emotionally and socially distance myself from him. I don't know what his problem is, but I don't like what it's doing on my end. I don't take him seriously anymore and regret that I ever did...

 

Good luck and be well.

Edited September 22, 2011 by breakfastmeat

[Bateman]

First off...thanks for the reply. I can see that we are both in the same boat somewhat. I'm preparing for the worst and just trying to push it aside. Sometimes I have anxiety issues that can't be controlled so I get all worked up a lot of the time with no real reason.

 

I figure there's no sense trying to control it because honestly there's nothing to be done about it. I'm going to keep trying to go along with it but I am going to stop putting all my eggs in one basket. It makes me feel more secure that way.

 

Good luck with yours and thanks again for replying.

[breakfastmeat]

First off...thanks for the reply. I can see that we are both in the same boat somewhat. I'm preparing for the worst and just trying to push it aside. Sometimes I have anxiety issues that can't be controlled so I get all worked up a lot of the time with no real reason.

 

I figure there's no sense trying to control it because honestly there's nothing to be done about it. I'm going to keep trying to go along with it but I am going to stop putting all my eggs in one basket. It makes me feel more secure that way.

 

Good luck with yours and thanks again for replying.

 

I noticed the same thing within me... You hit the nail on the head. Putting all of one's eggs in one basket. I've done this more than once and I shouldn't be doing that. Every time I've done it I suffer. I'm angry at myself for doing this and I've been working on changing this attitude. It's stupid and self-defeating and depresses me when I artificially limit my options this way, especially when the person ends up a dead end.

 

My issue with wanting to control my emotionalism or whatever you call it is that I don't want to go through this nonsense again in the future as I feel that if I took a more, how do you say, mature or watchful-minded attitude that I wouldn't have gotten into this boat to begin with.

 

I also realized that I romanticized him in an unrealistic way meaning that I had no indicators from him that he had more of an interest in me other than friendship with sex on the side while my thoughts were going in stupid places. I had those "red flags" of disinterest that I didn't see or didn't see soon enough. In my case, I was concerned about the red flags that I was seeing, such as feeling like he was behaving contradictvely, pushing me away, and I eventually confronted him about it and that's when it basically hit the fan. I wanted to know and I found out, at least enough so. He has no feelings for me, said never meant to convey to me that he was romantically interested, apologized that I experienced grief, said he understood and had been there himself, and so forth. All very cold, distant... Because I was emotional and howled at him somewhat, he totally backed off on the idea of sex at all... I think? (He made a weird statement a couple weeks ago which I won't get into that at first lifted my spirits and hopes and then angered me.)

 

As I said his answer when I asked if he felt anything or was interested was a vaguely odd, "I don't know what I feel," and one previous, "I don't know where we stand." I take this as a no, as I think it's the healthiest thing for me to do, plus he never indicated in his behavior that it's in any way remotely a yes. Perhaps he was so vague because he isn't romantically interested in me yet doesn't want to hurt me not wanting to risk our 10-year friendship. He was very concerned about that. He was also concerned that sex could ruin our friendship, but that's not why he backed off. I don't think he'd lie about his feelings, but the thought has entered my mind. I told him I was very concerned about him being straight with me. He said he had explained how he felt and didn't know what else to say.

 

He said more than once to his friends over the past several years that he needs to find a woman he can get serious with, yet... Nothing. Brick wall. Even though he's known me so long, says he has so much trust in and respect for me, etc., I get nothing, even though I've expressed my feelings for him and have been very kind and understanding out his upbringing which I'll explain next.

 

In his case, I don't know if he perhaps has some kind of version of scrupulosity from a very harsh, strictly religious upbringing. I seriously suspect he does, as he's shared that he had to sexually back off from me due to feelings of guilt involving sexual lust from his strict upbringing that he's having a hard time shaking. He said he wanted to put off the idea of sex "at least for now," and to "please be patient" with him. He said his father pounding into his head not to bed-hop left him "sexually different." Ironically his father did that because he did bed-hop and he cheated on a woman he loved dearly and lost her for all time and was haunted by it to his grave. This head-pounding has apparently left his son with the inability to be touched and loved by someone who cared about him. Is that ironic or what?

 

I knew about the sexual issue from several years ago but thought he overcame it enough since he approached me for sex. I know he said he'd worked on it and loosened up somewhat. I thought it was enough. I was wrong, apparently. Unfortunately I got stuck in the middle, in some f'd up tug of war between his sexual desires and his crappy dead father. Damn that old dead coot.

 

Sorry if it's hard to keep up with my relating the story with this guy, it's one weird situation. I still have a bit of feeling and hope inside of me for him, and I've been beating myself on the head. I just wish it would go away and stop tormenting me, even though it doesn't bother me anywhere nearly where it did before.

 

Whatever happens with this girl, just make sure you don't let it embitter you against other women in the future. That's very important. My focus has been on what I can do with myself in the future so I don't dump all my eggs in one basket and end up in this mess.

 

One thing is for sure: It really sucks caring for someone and they don't recriprocate.

[Bateman]

I feel for your situation. My best advice would be to move on. At least you have already confronted him about it, which is good, but you're left with the answer you didn't want to here. So try not to let him get to you and find someone else. You shouldn't have to deal with his emotional distances. You can have fun and everything but someone will get very badly hurt in the long run.

 

This girl has ambition and is very independent which is OK for now but I get the feeling that she has this big picture about her life and a big plan that she follows strictly, I do not think she sees me as part of that future or plan. Do I see her in my future? I can imagine it but i'm not banking on it. We've never been clear on what we are. When people ask, I tell them we are kinda seeing each other. It might be that way until she moves on.

 

She keeps in touch with her exs though. It kinda makes me edgy but I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset about it because we are only "kinda seeing each other." I am going to stop being sensitive and wanting things out of whatever it is that we are doing.

[breakfastmeat]

I feel for your situation. My best advice would be to move on. At least you have already confronted him about it, which is good, but you're left with the answer you didn't want to here. So try not to let him get to you and find someone else. You shouldn't have to deal with his emotional distances. You can have fun and everything but someone will get very badly hurt in the long run.

 

Oh that's what I've been working on doing, very much so. He's a dead end no matter what way you cut it.

 

This girl has ambition and is very independent which is OK for now but I get the feeling that she has this big picture about her life and a big plan that she follows strictly, I do not think she sees me as part of that future or plan. Do I see her in my future? I can imagine it but i'm not banking on it. We've never been clear on what we are. When people ask, I tell them we are kinda seeing each other. It might be that way until she moves on.

 

You may feel yourself in the situation I did where what I feared hearing was overrode my need to know. One thing I suspected would happen if I confronted him happened, which is that he'd call the whole thing off and push me away completely.

 

My goal is to be married in the next few years and that means no beating dead horses.

 

She keeps in touch with her exs though. It kinda makes me edgy but I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset about it because we are only "kinda seeing each other." I am going to stop being sensitive and wanting things out of whatever it is that we are doing.

 

Yeah, I'd be edgy. Her keeping touch with exes sends messages. Perhaps you can clarify your last sentence, I didn't quite understand that. You mean you're going to kind of let the issue go?

Edited September 23, 2011 by breakfastmeat

[Bateman]

Yeah that's pretty much what I meant.

 

I'm at least not going to say anything until after the GRE as not to bog her down with stuff like this. And could very well be the problem. We still talk but she seems more distant, but again it just might be some stress on her part.

 

We'll see how it all plays out.

[breakfastmeat]

Yeah that's pretty much what I meant.

 

I'm at least not going to say anything until after the GRE as not to bog her down with stuff like this. And could very well be the problem. We still talk but she seems more distant, but again it just might be some stress on her part.

 

We'll see how it all plays out.

 

Yeah I see how you could be helping the situation doing that. She probably is pretty stressed right now, but certainly somewhere your future and/or feelings for her should come up.

 

Good luck with it all!