woman...once you break up with a guy do you ever realize it was a mistake?

[othersideofthepillow]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

[sweet_peach115]

Yes, once you spend some time apart and you get yourself together. Then you realize it was a mistake and by then its too late.

[othersideofthepillow]

how long does that take to realize? when you say its too late....is that cause you have moved on or because he has a new gf / etc? Does him saying he cant be friends with you and not to contact him kills the chances of you wanting him back?

[sweet_peach115]

It took about 3 months in total. I say its too late because I asked him to have a drink with me and he told me yesterday "he is just too busy to fit me in anytime soon".

If he told me he never wanted to talk to me again then I would try to stay the hell away from him. It would hurt if he said that to me but I would try to respect his wishes. Only tell her that if you REALLY mean it because if you don't, she has no way of knowing that you aren't being sincere.

[othersideofthepillow]

well for me i was getting mixed signals and thought we were on our way back to a fresh start. than she told me she didnt have those feelings for me anymore. i told her than that i cannot half half of her and just be friends so dont contact me anymore.....did i ruin everything by saying that and just push her to finalize her decision of the break up in the first place?

[sweet_peach115]

By way of getting her back, it was probably a mistake in saying that. But for you to move on with your life and get over her, its a good move.

Although when I broke up with my ex, he told me I would never hear from him again and he held true to that. I was surprised that he never tried to contact me again.

I read some of your other posts and to me it sounds like your ex misses you and wants you in her life but she can't handle being in the relationship. Maybe you should just cut yourself from her life entirely and see what happens now is the worst part - the waiting.

[Graceful]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

No, never. I have always had absolute clarity. Even in high school. I don't play with another person's emotions, and I hope for the same in return.

 

Just because someone is a wonderful person doesn't mean he is right for me or that I will fall in love with him. I have broken up with guys who are perfectly wonderful people, and it wasn't easy, but if I wasn't feelin' it, and continued to date him, then that is stringing him along, which is not fair.

 

Just because someone doesn't have romantic feelings for you, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you; it just means that you aren't right for one another. Why does this always have to be perceived as a mistake on the part of the person who breaks it off?

 

If you think well of yourself, then you may see it as a loss for the person who broke up with you. Know your worth. But that's not the same as thinking that person will see it as a mistake later on. Not at all.

 

It is much more difficult to break up with a good, decent person whom you like and care for, but know it not right for you, and it's not an easy thing to do, but I've never, ever felt I was making or had made a mistake.

 

Monday morning quarterbacking never does much, if any good. Know what I mean?

[Graceful]

well for me i was getting mixed signals and thought we were on our way back to a fresh start. than she told me she didnt have those feelings for me anymore. i told her than that i cannot half half of her and just be friends so dont contact me anymore.....did i ruin everything by saying that and just push her to finalize her decision of the break up in the first place?

 

You presented an ultimatum: If you can't give me a full relationship, then don't contact me at all.

 

You always run a risk with an ultimatum, but if that's how you felt, then you had to prepare yourself for her response. She wanted to friend zone you at best, so you stood up for yourself. It would be a colossal waste of your time to make any further attempt to get her back.

 

Take her at her word. She has made it clear. Walk away with some self-respect, go NC and stop doing her second guessing for her. That's her problem, not yours. Take care.

[othersideofthepillow]

thanks Graceful for your insight. also im not saying anything bad about the dumpers either or trying to place blame on them, just simply wondering the other side of things since i have only been the dumpee.

 

as much as it hurt to say and give the "ultimatum" the feelings that i have for her are genuine but i cant settle for anything less than being with her and i dont want to know about any future relationships she will have (since i would be friend zone guy at best as you stated). (i didnt hear from her for about week or so until she asks me if she still gets to see the dog again - i didnt entertain that with a response).

 

i value myself very much and know that even though i had shortcomings during the relationship that i have made corrections to them and have learned from my mistake. i know that since this one didnt work out that there is something even better for me out there in the future.

[Graceful]

as much as it hurt to say and give the "ultimatum" the feelings that i have for her are genuine but i cant settle for anything less than being with her and i dont want to know about any future relationships she will have (since i would be friend zone guy at best as you stated). (i didnt hear from her for about week or so until she asks me if she still gets to see the dog again - i didnt entertain that with a response).

 

i value myself very much and know that even though i had shortcomings during the relationship that i have made corrections to them and have learned from my mistake. i know that since this one didnt work out that there is something even better for me out there in the future.

 

OSTP,

I've been the dumpee, too -- don't worry.

 

I really like your attitude and your resolve, and I wish there were more people who had a similar resolve. Settling for less than the full relationship is not what you want, and I don't blame you. You were dumped, but you turned the tables and stood up for yourself, not accepting bread crumbs or friend zone (cringe). You know, there are some people who can do this, but I suspect there wasn't much of a romance to begin with, if you see what I mean.

 

And yes, there is someone better out there for you. Every time you date someone you are coming closer to the "real thing" -- that's the way you have to look at it. No relationship should be a struggle. It should have its challenges, certainly ups and downs, but the two people work together to work things out and come closer during those tough times, not go separate ways when the going gets tough.

 

Really like your attitude. And I agree, it's tough for her about seeing the dog, but that's the way it goes. All or nothing, remember?

[othersideofthepillow]

OSTP,

I've been the dumpee, too -- don't worry.

 

I really like your attitude and your resolve, and I wish there were more people who had a similar resolve. Settling for less than the full relationship is not what you want, and I don't blame you. You were dumped, but you turned the tables and stood up for yourself, not accepting bread crumbs or friend zone (cringe). You know, there are some people who can do this, but I suspect there wasn't much of a romance to begin with, if you see what I mean.

 

And yes, there is someone better out there for you. Every time you date someone you are coming closer to the "real thing" -- that's the way you have to look at it. No relationship should be a struggle. It should have its challenges, certainly ups and downs, but the two people work together to work things out and come closer during those tough times, not go separate ways when the going gets tough.

 

Really like your attitude. And I agree, it's tough for her about seeing the dog, but that's the way it goes. All or nothing, remember?

 

 

def held on to the crumbs thinking they were more but once i couldnt take it anymore and didnt want to be made a fool anymore i had to take my stand...

 

 

yes i am trying to do my very best and spin this in a positive direction. i wish that things would have turned out differently but i cannot change things that are out of my control.

 

there was a lot of romance but i gave her everything she wanted (in turn that more than likely killed everything - even moved in together after about 6 months and than the relationship ended 3 months after) and i still feel abandoned...when the going got tough....she kept on going...no matter how hard i tried to work on things....sigh

 

time to live life and not hold on to the "emotional breadcrumbs of the good times we had" cause its in the past and needs to stay there....

 

if at some point i am contacted by her i hope and pray that it is for the right reasons and not just the "lonely" factor....it still feels that she is riding the GIGS and when im no longer there to take care of the "little" things it will hit her that maybe i wasnt that bad lol....only time will tell (been about 3 months since the split and 2 weeks since my ultimatum) but i gotta push on.....try and get over her and look forward to someone who will completely work with me and not run away when struggles arise!

Edited September 22, 2011 by othersideofthepillow

[maylis]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

 

That entirely depends on the woman and the situation. I have broke up with two boyfriends in the past and for me there was NO going back. The relationships both got dragged out wayyy too long because I was scared and uneasy to break up and it got the point where there was seriously no other option.

[othersideofthepillow]

That entirely depends on the woman and the situation. I have broke up with two boyfriends in the past and for me there was NO going back. The relationships both got dragged out wayyy too long because I was scared and uneasy to break up and it got the point where there was seriously no other option.

 

what caused this for you?

[maylis]

what caused this for you?

 

I would always think if I broke up he would completely change and the problems we had in our relationship would be something he would learn from and the next girl would have the perfect relationship that never turned out for us in the end.

 

It is apparently true, they got married and I continued to get the verbal abuse two and a half years after he and I broke up before I just quit talking to him. Being friends after didn't work out in this case.

[othersideofthepillow]

i see. in my case i feel like i was "too available" after the split. even though i was the dumpee i still had so much love in my heart for this woman that when she was struggling with things (GIGS was starting to decline and not being as good as she thought - now she has a new place so im sure GIGS is back in full effect) i still comforted her.

 

i started to think that things were going in the angle of second chance only to be told she has "freind" feelings for me now. which as i posted above i had no choice but to tell her i cannot have only part of her so i cannot stay in contact.

 

ive now turned my focus on working on the issues that caused the break up and i am doing very well with them - ive fixed most of them already

[aerogurl87]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

I've done this a few times and usually it's not because he did something to make me think it was a mistake, it's usually because I dumbly start to second guess myself and then end up back in the relationship and nothing really changes. The only person I really ever broke up with and then actually wanted to get back with is my ex that I can't seem to shake. And that's because I missed being with him since we were best friends and he understood me better than anyone else and he did actually try to change his life for the better. Other than that, I usually see reconcilliation as a mistake.

[othersideofthepillow]

I've done this a few times and usually it's not because he did something to make me think it was a mistake, it's usually because I dumbly start to second guess myself and then end up back in the relationship and nothing really changes. The only person I really ever broke up with and then actually wanted to get back with is my ex that I can't seem to shake. And that's because I missed being with him since we were best friends and he understood me better than anyone else and he did actually try to change his life for the better. Other than that, I usually see reconcilliation as a mistake.

 

 

when did you break up with him and are you trying to get him back now?

 

when you broke up with him did all those reasons just not matter to you at the time and once he was no longer there you realized this? Did your feelings leave and than come back for him after he was no longer there with/for you? i also have done countless changes in my life and improved for the better tremendously since i got dumped.

 

sorry if they are a lot of questions but i just like to be informed

[aerogurl87]

when did you break up with him and are you trying to get him back now?

 

when you broke up with him did all those reasons just not matter to you at the time and once he was no longer there you realized this? Did your feelings leave and than come back for him after he was no longer there with/for you? i also have done countless changes in my life and improved for the better tremendously since i got dumped.

 

sorry if they are a lot of questions but i just like to be informed

 

I broke up with him two years ago and we did actually get back together and then we broke up again a few months later when he left me for someone else. My feelings didn't really leave for him when I did break up with him. I just thought we were too young to be in a serious relationship that was a LDR and neither of us really had the funds to see each other alot so it all seemed pointless. Plus I wanted to see him be happy with a local girl even if I knew seeing him with someone else would hurt.

 

Since our last break up he has changed and matured alot and no, I'm not actively looking to get back with him (gotta get out of the mess of a relationship I'm in now and work on myself) but it would be a viable option in the future. He did beg for me back, but after some consideration I told him no. I might go see him before he deploys but that's still up in the air, and if that happens who knows what could happen.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No, never.

 

The reason, in my case, is that I always had the unfortunate pattern to hold on WAY past the time when I really knew deep down that it was OVER.

 

I'd keep clinging to a feeble hope that the relationship would change, or the person would change.

 

When it was finally pushed to the limit, no. No way that I could realize it was a mistake to end it.

 

Of course, I was in pretty messed up relationships, so mostly I realized after a break up that the whole thing had been a mistake; not the break up.

[othersideofthepillow]

No, never.

 

The reason, in my case, is that I always had the unfortunate pattern to hold on WAY past the time when I really knew deep down that it was OVER.

 

I'd keep clinging to a feeble hope that the relationship would change, or the person would change.

 

When it was finally pushed to the limit, no. No way that I could realize it was a mistake to end it.

 

Of course, I was in pretty messed up relationships, so mostly I realized after a break up that the whole thing had been a mistake; not the break up.

 

 

thanks so much for all the feedback on my thread so far!! its really helpful and insightful!

 

Mme Chauncer the bold area from your post what made you realize that the whole thing not just the break up itself was the bigger issue?

 

in my case (as you can see in a previous post i made) my ex wanted to stay close, be friends and still keep in close contact. the contact only stopped once i told her i cant stay friends when i still have feelings. also my relationship wasnt bad (it had its problems as all do) but also like ive posted before it seems like she is on GIGS and ran when the going got tough...

[Kamila]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

No, the break-up wasn't a mistake. I had no choice but to leave the man that would let me go without lifting a single finger. I wanted commitment, he wanted convenience. He didn't want to pursue things further. He didn't say it aloud, he showed it by being non-commital, indifferent and ready to let me go. I tried to reason with him, explaining that the next level in our relationship should be made. But no, nothing, instead he secretly waited for me to break-up. He said I wasn't his priority anymore...

 

What did he do for me to come back? Sending me text messages non-stop for a year now. The last one dates from August. He said he still thinks a lot about me and won't bother me anymore. Yes, that's interesting. But what does it say? Does he really want me back? I don't think so.

 

There's a reason why people initiate a break-up. In my case, the lack of commitment from my ex was the reason. Maybe he wasn't ready, maybe he got scared. But from my point of view, when you love someone, you want to be more together, and not distance yourself from your lover.

 

And even if i wanted him, or want him now, what difference does it make? Would that make him to commit? Am I wasting my time? Sometimes, action speaks louder than words. You can tell someone a thousand times that you love them, but if you don't want to be with them, what's the point? I'd rather have someone that would want to spend his life with me and rarely saying that he loves me but actually showing it, than someone that tells me repeatedly that he loves me but keeping me on the fence.

[jeff2321]

My ex just contacted me again after 14 months via email. I've been through so much pain now that I'm scared to death of even emailing her back or being involved at all. My ex leaving put me through so much pain and I don't think I can ever trust her again at this point. It's been a year of pain for me. I don't even know why she contacted me at this point... 14 months is a long time.

 

Sigh,

 

Jeff2321

 

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

[Milsch]

No, the break-up wasn't a mistake. I had no choice but to leave the man that would let me go without lifting a single finger. I wanted commitment, he wanted convenience. He didn't want to pursue things further. He didn't say it aloud, he showed it by being non-commital, indifferent and ready to let me go. I tried to reason with him, explaining that the next level in our relationship should be made. But no, nothing, instead he secretly waited for me to break-up. He said I wasn't his priority anymore...

 

What did he do for me to come back? Sending me text messages non-stop for a year now. The last one dates from August. He said he still thinks a lot about me and won't bother me anymore. Yes, that's interesting. But what does it say? Does he really want me back? I don't think so.

 

There's a reason why people initiate a break-up. In my case, the lack of commitment from my ex was the reason. Maybe he wasn't ready, maybe he got scared. But from my point of view, when you love someone, you want to be more together, and not distance yourself from your lover.

 

And even if i wanted him, or want him now, what difference does it make? Would that make him to commit? Am I wasting my time? Sometimes, action speaks louder than words. You can tell someone a thousand times that you love them, but if you don't want to be with them, what's the point? I'd rather have someone that would want to spend his life with me and rarely saying that he loves me but actually showing it, than someone that tells me repeatedly that he loves me but keeping me on the fence.

 

Hey, I have a few questions if that's OK...

 

- Did you "get over" him before breaking up? ie. did you make yourself fall out of love first?

 

- If he had shown he loved you immediately after the breakup, would you have considered getting back together?

 

- How would he have best shown you that?

[Kamila]

Hey, I have a few questions if that's OK...

 

- Did you "get over" him before breaking up? ie. did you make yourself fall out of love first?

 

- If he had shown he loved you immediately after the breakup, would you have considered getting back together?

 

- How would he have best shown you that?

 

No, not really, I did not "get over" him at all before I broke up with him. The only thing I knew and felt was that I had to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. It was destructive and so painful. But the sad truth is that I still love him, even though I'm bruised.

 

Of course I would have considered getting back together with him if he had shown me he was serious with me (read here commitment). But he didn't, he kept on saying how he had doubts about us about a year ago and how it would be difficult for me to find someone better than him. I don't know if he was hiding his sadness and starting talking crap to mask all of this.

 

Well, instead of putting up a charade of a bruised ego because I decided to end it, he should have tried to convince me that he meant it with me. But he didn't! There were no moving in together plans, no family plans, no nothing, nada. I got nothing out of him, while I was going 200% for our relationship. He kept talking about 'him', about what he wanted. There was no mention of 'us'. I felt used and shocked about his indifference.

 

Basically, I didn't felt needed with him. So what's the point in staying with someone that doesn't care ? And since a year I keep getting text messages from him, what is that about ? Just make up your mind man, I'm not gonna wait forever for you like a little puppy.

 

I hope that personal explanation helped you a bit.

[jfLip]

No, not really, I did not "get over" him at all before I broke up with him. The only thing I knew and felt was that I had to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. It was destructive and so painful. But the sad truth is that I still love him, even though I'm bruised.

 

Of course I would have considered getting back together with him if he had shown me he was serious with me (read here commitment). But he didn't, he kept on saying how he had doubts about us about a year ago and how it would be difficult for me to find someone better than him. I don't know if he was hiding his sadness and starting talking crap to mask all of this.

 

Well, instead of putting up a charade of a bruised ego because I decided to end it, he should have tried to convince me that he meant it with me. But he didn't! There were no moving in together plans, no family plans, no nothing, nada. I got nothing out of him, while I was going 200% for our relationship. He kept talking about 'him', about what he wanted. There was no mention of 'us'. I felt used and shocked about his indifference.

 

Basically, I didn't felt needed with him. So what's the point in staying with someone that doesn't care ? And since a year I keep getting text messages from him, what is that about ? Just make up your mind man, I'm not gonna wait forever for you like a little puppy.

 

I hope that personal explanation helped you a bit.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I talked about the possibility of marriage and kids, but I would do things that made her doubt. Our breakup though is making me realize I loved her a lot more than I thought and I took her for granted. Now, during our relationship, she always felt she loved me more than I loved her. But just because we broke up doesn't mean that love didn't mean anything right?