woman...once you break up with a guy do you ever realize it was a mistake?

[Kamila]

My ex-girlfriend and I talked about the possibility of marriage and kids, but I would do things that made her doubt. Our breakup though is making me realize I loved her a lot more than I thought and I took her for granted. Now, during our relationship, she always felt she loved me more than I loved her. But just because we broke up doesn't mean that love didn't mean anything right?

 

No of course not, love does mean something, it's just that I prefer action above words. Words can lead you on, creating false hope then huge disappointments. And I swallowed that bitter pill far too often that I can't settle for words. And someone you love could just use the easy 'I love you' words just to make you happy and not trying to disappoint you. But are they really true? Are they just trying to not hurt your feelings?

 

And what about loving someone but not wanting to be with them? Isn't that just creating confusion? A broken heart? If you really love someone, show it to them with gestures and plans. That's what would make me want my ex boyfriend back for sure. I would reciprocate with 'Yes, let's do that, I want you in my life and I want to make this work'.

[jfLip]

No of course not, love does mean something, it's just that I prefer action above words. Words can lead you on, creating false hope then huge disappointments. And I swallowed that bitter pill far too often that I can't settle for words. And someone you love could just use the easy 'I love you' words just to make you happy and not trying to disappoint you. But are they really true? Are they just trying to not hurt your feelings?

 

And what about loving someone but not wanting to be with them? Isn't that just creating confusion? A broken heart? If you really love someone, show it to them with gestures and plans. That's what would make me want my ex boyfriend back for sure. I would reciprocate with 'Yes, let's do that, I want you in my life and I want to make this work'.

 

She definitely loved being with me and always showed it. I was the one who didn't outwardly show it. She loved me so much to the point where she was always worrying about me and not giving any time to herself. We've been broken up for 6 days now (no contact) and I wish I could SHOW her I want to start a new relationship with lessons learned from the old one. This breakup has already made me stronger, so I just keep praying.

[jordjones]

jflp, it's only been 6 days. No real improvements, habits, etc. can be made in such a short period of time. Believe me, your emotions are running extremely high right now, and you need time to calm down and truly reflect to make those improvements.

 

Chances are, if she took you back today, you both would eventually fall back into your old patterns. I've been there. When a relationship ends, both parties need time to reflect, allowing a brand new relationship to be born.

 

You need to give no contact, at minimum, 30 days. Don't take this time as a negative - take it as an opportunity to truly reflect and put any future relationships you may have on a more stable foundation!

[jfLip]

Thanks for your reply jordjones. It's sensible and honest. Just curious, are you a guy or girl?

[jordjones]

I'm a guy. In all likelihood, I will break break no contact myself this week - it's been about 60 days.

[jfLip]

Who broke up with who and why?

[jordjones]

We dated for 4 months; I moved across the country. LDR for about 5 months. She dumped me for "having lost passion..." "not feeling the same way..." Distance was an obvious factor. I chased for about 10 days; never really begged, but flew back and took her out. Definitely came across as needy/desperate. Don't think there was another guy in the picture, but who knows.

 

I have since moved back to her area. It's been two months. In this time I have worked out and have begun to apply to law/business school. I love her to death, but have come to realize that regardless of what happens between us, I'm a nice catch and will love again. Plan on calling her and asking her out to coffee or a happy hour. I will not bring up the past at all; instead I will be calm, cool, cocky, funny - I will treat her a little like she is a little sister - which is a suggestion I received from "Attraction Isn't a Choice."

 

Whatever happens, happens - that's the attitude you must have. I'll let you know how it all goes in the coming weeks.

[TLCbear]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

 

Not at all. Usually with my relationships, I try to stick it out to the end, so therefore, I tend to over stay. Anyway, my last relationship, I broke up with him because of things he did within the relationship...a big part of me was hoping HE would realize what he had had and reach out to me, fight for me and our relationship...but he didn't...three weeks later, I ended up contacting him and we tried to start over, that lasted about 8 months. Ironically, the same problems we had originally we still there. He didn't want to communicate about them and try to make things better so I broke up with him again...and so forth for me, it's been a little over a month. I realized a long time ago it was not going to work, but my the heart wanted what it wanted...I still miss him, but this time it's final. So far, he has sent me 2 letters and called about 7 times and I haven't and will not respond because I know he will never change.

Edited September 25, 2011 by TLCbear

[jfLip]

TLCbear, so you broke up with him and contacted him 3 weeks later? Did he try to contact you at all within those 3 weeks? How long were you guys dating?

[TLCbear]

TLCbear, so you broke up with him and contacted him 3 weeks later? Did he try to contact you at all within those 3 weeks? How long were you guys dating?

 

He did contacted me the first two days because he didn't know what was going on...why I wasn't accepting his calls...I just simply stop talking to him. After those two days, I didn't hear from him so after about 20 days, I contacted him because I started to miss him. Only later, I came to realize the emotions I was having was part of "ending the relationship." You know...the denial, depression, missing them, etc. So I had a relaspe. This had been the first relationship I didn't want to end, but had to....so it was very difficult to leave. We were together about 3 years.

Edited September 25, 2011 by TLCbear

[jfLip]

I was checking out some books on relationships today and came across "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. The book seems like a good, honest read for any relationship.

 

This reminded me of something my ex told me a week before we broke up. Since we were long distance (only 1.5 hr away), she said she read in a magazine that we should pick an activity like reading a book so we could be doing the same thing while being apart. I was super tired and fell asleep so I didn't get to respond. I can imagine she took it as me not taking our relationship seriously.

 

If you were the dumper, what would you think if you received this book in the mail out of the blue? Give it more time, bad idea, good idea? I would think she would at least read the back cover and maybe a couple of pages, and possibly make her think of reconciling...

Edited September 28, 2011 by jfLip

[jeff2321]

My personal view is that women just have far too many other options out there to consider getting back with an ex they know they made a mistake breaking up with.

 

My view may not be popular, but it's my experience thus far.

 

Jeff2321

[immitable]

No, never. I have always had absolute clarity. Even in high school. I don't play with another person's emotions, and I hope for the same in return.

 

Just because someone is a wonderful person doesn't mean he is right for me or that I will fall in love with him. I have broken up with guys who are perfectly wonderful people, and it wasn't easy, but if I wasn't feelin' it, and continued to date him, then that is stringing him along, which is not fair.

 

I agree with you Graceful and I was the sayme way too, but I am just interested what do you think of a 5 year relationship, do you think it is a too long of a time to string someone along?

 

I used to break up and stay friends and tried to explain and validate it to them that we weren't meant for eachother after max period of 1 to 2 years not 5 which I think is a long period of time and not fair.

[TheDovic]

We dated for 4 months; I moved across the country. LDR for about 5 months. She dumped me for "having lost passion..." "not feeling the same way..." Distance was an obvious factor. I chased for about 10 days; never really begged, but flew back and took her out. Definitely came across as needy/desperate. Don't think there was another guy in the picture, but who knows.

 

I have since moved back to her area. It's been two months. In this time I have worked out and have begun to apply to law/business school. I love her to death, but have come to realize that regardless of what happens between us, I'm a nice catch and will love again. Plan on calling her and asking her out to coffee or a happy hour. I will not bring up the past at all; instead I will be calm, cool, cocky, funny - I will treat her a little like she is a little sister - which is a suggestion I received from "Attraction Isn't a Choice."

 

Whatever happens, happens - that's the attitude you must have. I'll let you know how it all goes in the coming weeks.

 

This stuff works great. Watch the change in dynamic between the two of you!

[TLCbear]

My personal view is that women just have far too many other options out there to consider getting back with an ex they know they made a mistake breaking up with.

 

My view may not be popular, but it's my experience thus far.

 

Jeff2321

 

Interesting. I see this quite opposite, but I guess there are too many options out there if you're not seeking a meaniful relationship.

[PositiveNegative]

My personal view is that women just have far too many other options out there to consider getting back with an ex they know they made a mistake breaking up with.

 

My view may not be popular, but it's my experience thus far.

 

Jeff2321

 

Can't argue with experience. My experience thus far is the same. My ex had been asked out by 4 different guys in the 3 weeks we had been broken up. She already made her choice on who her new boyfriend should be. Even if breaking up with me was a "mistake" she will have no problem finding someone who will be better or just as good.

[Graceful]

Immi,

 

Do you mean you've been in a relationship with someone for 5 years, in which your feelings have never gone to the next level? What about his feelings?

 

Yes, I'm afraid that's far too long to stay with someone and string them along. It's not fair to the guy you are seeing, and it's not really fair to you, either, because you are preventing yourself from finding the right person, someone you are meant to be with and fall in love with.

 

Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but honestly, you need to cut this guy loose. What's holding you back?

 

I agree with you Graceful and I was the sayme way too, but I am just interested what do you think of a 5 year relationship, do you think it is a too long of a time to string someone along?

 

I used to break up and stay friends and tried to explain and validate it to them that we weren't meant for eachother after max period of 1 to 2 years not 5 which I think is a long period of time and not fair.

[stillafool]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

No I've never broken up with someone and wanted them back.

[samphs]

I did, it took a long time for me to realize that I loved the guy and that I made a mistake and by that time it was too late. Now I'm on the other side where I was dumped, do guys ever regret leaving their exes??

[coltsfan1]

yes we do IF it was a good relationship. I think both sexes share that opinion.

[Still Loving]

well from the title of the thread thats pretty much it.....do you ever realize it was a mistake? did he do anything that made you come back to him? did you just need time away to know you really wanted him?

 

looking forward to all the feedback from a womans perspective!!!

 

I broke off a 15 yr relationship 10 yrs ago & knew I regretted it within the first 6 months. I was left to live as happily as I could with the choice I'd made. We have come in contact again & discovered we both still love each other but he is in another relationship now & we are not able to see where that love could go. I am happy to know he loves me. If I could get him out of my head I'm sure I could move on. Time will help they say.

[ChelleBelle]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We both loved each other but there were issues with our x's and I had had enough. We were both divorced with x partners and children. I left him and it hurt like crazy but I couldn't live amid the bitterness in his heart with regards to his divorce. I felt second best. I just had had enough and so I tried to move on. I couldn't cope with his problems anymore.

 

It was a horrible and ghastly experience being without him. I was so ill I had to go to the doctors to get some tablets, I couldn't stop feeling miserable and crying. But I stood my ground. He had been texting and calling, wanting to see me, but I knew I was too weak and bruised to see him. Fianlly, I agreed to see him. We went to dinner and I finally felt some peace creep into my heart.I had missed him soooooo much.

 

I wanted and needed him so bad. I loved him so much. Even after a romantic dinner we still fought. I blew it, It was my fault, there was just too much emotion bubbling under the serface and I just couldn't handle the pain of being hurt. The feeling of rejection was emmence and I slammed the door of the car and let him go.

 

I knew I was to blame. I sat in the garden crying wanting him to come back to me. Just to turn the car back and come back to me. I texted and apologised. He understood and said that we loved each other and all the pain had to stop. We needed to set guideline regarding our kids and X marital partners, and we did.

 

We are back together, no one else was involved, we loved each other, but sometimes arguements happen and you can't get back to where you were. I was lucky. We were lucky. We could so have lost each through pride and insecurity. I am so happy that I reached out to him and he understood. My soul and spirit is happy now and we are where we belong

Together