Staying friends even though i love her? !

[KS11]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible, but i wana give you guys a bit of background.

 

So a while back i met this girl..and as cliche as i know it sounds, i felt there was something pretty special about her straight off, which is rare for me. This feeling then grew as we met up more and more. We live about an hour from eachother so dont get to met up that much.

 

Anyway...we began talking everyday...and to spare you the soppy parts, i feel/ fallen for her pretty hard. Then we met up again for a drink and she said that had to tell me something,which was that she had been on a couple of dates with someone, but felt really guilty but didnt know why. And that she would stop seeing him if it meant that our friendship might be ruined. After the sinking, sick feeling i figured i should tell her my feelings, and over the next fews days we spoke more about it and i actually told her that i loved her. Naturally, she was kinda shocked but said that she knew i felt something for her. Somehow we spent that night together, just in case i wasnt confused enough! Anyway we left eachother on the pretense that we were in no rush and would see what happens...

 

Fast forward a few months and she says that she thinks we should just been friends, that she doesnt want to keep me hanging on and that she doesnt htink she can give me what i want. This has just come as such a shock, theres so many things i dont understand. She also said that she thinks i put her on a pedestal, which makes no sense to me at all?! is that a bad? And if i do, its just because i think she deserves to see how amazing she is! As i was going home, i get a message saying she really cant lose me and doesnt know whether shes made the right decision. However, as i thought, i think tht might have just been a reaction to the moment.

 

So i let this go for a few weeks, and then we met up again, inevitably it came up again, at this point i went there with some sort of vague intention of cutting her lose. But when push came to shove i just couldnt and i cant do it. She said that she is still confused about her feelings but doesnt want to make a decision based on the fact that she might lose me, which i understand. She also said however, that ive never tried to persuade her that we should be together, which again makes no sense!?

 

Anyway, theres so much more i could write about..but i guess what im asking is do you think its possible to remain friends even though i feel like this? i honestly cant imagine not speaking to her, yet the thought of something never happening is killing me. I cant help but think that shes said theres something there, i dont get why she wouldnt want to see how it goes? I just feel that if we did, and it went bad, then i could move on, but now theres so much grey area and uncertainty about her feelings that i dont know where i am. Im reluctant now to talk to her about it as i know it could only push her away...i dont know..id really appreciate some thoughts!

[smudge21]

You're in no condition to be friends with her now. Accept that for starters. You love her, and that's that.

 

You need to make it clear your feelings and tell her that things have gone too far for you now and you can't just be her friend. The longer this goes on, the more hurt you're going to feel and believe me, you will look back and wish you said something earlier.

 

Yes, you have probably put her on a pedestal - we do that when we fall in love, and it will be hard to take her off it. In fact, if she only offers friendship you will really struggle to walk away and I would bet any amount of money you do try the friendship route. I did... right up until the point she got back with her ex and announced their engagement. That's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 

Lay it all out and make it clear how you feel - you may feel better doing it in a letter as face to face of over the phone can prove difficult at times. Whatever way you chose, make sure you say exactly what you want, as you may only get one chance at it.

 

If she does knock you back, then you have to say goodbye. Trust me, you don't want to go through what so many of us go through when we try being friends with someone we love. Plus, you have to remember that by walking away it may just make her miss you and realise what it's like without you. I'm not saying that's the case here, but no one knows the future.

 

Good luck.

[Thieves]

Anyway, theres so much more i could write about..but i guess what im asking is do you think its possible to remain friends even though i feel like this? i honestly cant imagine not speaking to her, yet the thought of something never happening is killing me.

 

I'm going to make this very blunt: No, no, no, no, no, NO!

 

You're new to this, so I understand. I was too. And trust me, Smudge is 100% right. Even if you want to be friends, you are in NO shape or form ready to do that. Smudge is also right: no matter how hard it is, LAY IT ALL OUT on the line for her so that she has absolutely no confusion about what you feel. I know this is hard, especially after already being rejected once, but trust me. While it may hurt, it will also give you a solid answer. One where you can truly decide whether to start moving on or not. If she says she feels the same, with no doubt, go from there.

 

If there is absolutely any uncertainty in her answer, any "Well, maybe we should do this..." or "I don't know...", or "I like you, but..." or "Let's take our time, let's see..." (you tried that before, remember?) then tell her you can't be friends. Not "Let's take a break", no. No matter how much pain it causes you and her, you can't be friends or be in contact.

 

If she asks why, tell her straight out that it's obvious she doesn't know what she wants and that if you stay friends, you'll just feel strung along. If she truly wants to be friends, tell her you both need time apart anyway (I'm talking months) so the feelings can dissolve. Please, please, please listen to smudge and I. It will save you tons of heartbreak. I promise.

[smudge21]

Thanks Thieves.

 

I will add that one regret I have was that my ex and I just went to being friends - there wasn't much discussion about it and about feelings between us. She went back to her ex, I acted like I was okay and that was it.

 

I really wish I'd have told her how I feel earlier on and made it clear to her. Maybe she was waiting for me to say that, maybe that's what she wanted - me to tell her I loved her. Maybe in doing so things would've changed and been better between us. Maybe I wouldn't be here now posting this.

 

Sort it now and don't make my mistake - I was so fearfull of losing her completely that I never told her how I feel and just kept her as a friend. Maybe I lost a chance of something better because of that fear. I'll never know... it's too late for me now.

[Thieves]

Sort it now and don't make my mistake - I was so fearfull of losing her completely that I never told her how I feel and just kept her as a friend. Maybe I lost a chance of something better because of that fear. I'll never know... it's too late for me now.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, Smudge. One of the worst things is looking back and thinking, "What if I had done this...?" Especially if you thought you had a chance to actually know what could've happened. It happens to the best of us. My one regret was sticking around and agreeing to be friends right after he became official with a new girl and said he didn't want me. Granted, it was my fault for telling him I liked him too late after he got with another girl - but I was unaware that he had gotten with her. Guess that just makes it worse.

 

So it was too late for me, too. Yet I stayed as his 'friend', hurting inside the whole time. What was I thinking?

[KS11]

Thanks the advice and by no account am I disregarding any of it as cutting her out my life is something ive given hours of thought to, probably just as much as i have to thinking about how much im in love with her.

 

I know everyone always says in time, you will be able to get over it, but i honestly dont think i will..i genuinley think this is an occassion whereby i could look back having cut her loose but never truly let her go. I cant see how not talking to her will make it any easier..and thats the sh*t thing, the way i see it is that both options leave me in just as much pain.

 

Staying friends with her, i know will eat me up..but theres also the factor that i want to be there for her...like at the moment shes just started a really intense study programme and i know she wants me to be there for her. I dont want to just abandon her.

 

The other problem is obviously, if we were to remain friends, i would, no matter how much i try to deny it, always be hoping that it could lead somewhere...and i think the fact that the last time we spoke about this, she said that she 'needs to think'...makes me believe that there could be a chance...I duno, perhaps im just trying anything to avoid the inconvenient truth and pain. Theres so many things that about whats happened that i cant make sense of.

 

As far as laying everything on the lie to her goes, i think ive made myself pretty clear...i knwo i cant make her feel something, but the fact she isnt sure herself must stand for something, arent you supposed to fight for the ones you love? I duno, i always had this idealistic notion that great relationships are born from great friendships...im sorry im rambling now..too many thoughts

[Thieves]

i genuinley think this is an occassion whereby i could look back having cut her loose but never truly let her go. I cant see how not talking to her will make it any easier..and thats the sh*t thing, the way i see it is that both options leave me in just as much pain.

 

Think. Why does everyone say things like that in the beginning of a break-up? Because we're all hurt and scared of the future. No matter how much you think you'll look back and never let her go, you never know what the future holds. But if you really think you'll never get over her, then.. you won't. The way you think ties into how you will act, since you're already convinced that it'll be this way. Get it? If you breathe and think of it as something that hurts like hell x1000, but you're trying to heal and learn from it, then eventually it'll be easier to deal with. Either that or stick around hearing about how great a bunch of other guys are. And trust me, that time will come.

 

Staying friends with her, i know will eat me up..but theres also the factor that i want to be there for her...

 

I felt that, too. I felt I wasn't being a good friend because the guy I was involved with was soon moving to another country to take up a good job, and he had just broken up with a girl he was seeing. But before then, I went through months of secretly hurting inside with pain and jealousy and anger. And he wasn't there fore me, because he was causing all that pain. I didn't want to leave during such a big change in his life, but I also had to look out for me. Don't be afraid to put yourself first, KS. We all have to sometimes, even if hurts. She should understand.

 

As far as laying everything on the lie to her goes, i think ive made myself pretty clear...i knwo i cant make her feel something,

 

You're not trying to make her feel something. But it never hurts to make sure, if you decide to cut things off. Just gently tell her, once and for all, that you really do feel something strong for her and it hurts to be 'in limbo' like this because you'd like to take it to the next level. If she hesitates, there's your answer.

 

but the fact she isnt sure herself must stand for something, arent you supposed to fight for the ones you love?

 

You're right, you are supposed to. If she needs time to think, how much time will you give her? Weeks? Months? And what about if she makes up her mind, then later decides again that she needs more 'time to think'? That you two should just see what happens? What if she gets 'confused' again?

[smudge21]

You're as bad as me - always thinking about her and what is best for her; "I need to stay around in case she needs me." "I want to be there when she falls and needs a friend." "I can't leave her now as she's going through some bad times." - What about what you want? What about your feelings?

 

Seriously I've gone out of my way in the past for girls that clearly weren't as interested in me, I think we all do when we love someone. Even now, my current ex has made contact occasionally and it's always about her and her problems or concerns. Never once have my feelings been brought up by her or even by me - I'm putting on the nice guy image and being there for her but by doing that I'm just losing all respect she has and simply becoming "a friend", just like you will be. Is that what you want, to be just a friend, nothing more? Can you honestly say you'd be okay to hear about her latest boyfriend, or her engagement, her marriage or the fact she's pregnant?

 

You are at least in a better place than I am now as you have a chance to make things better, or worse, depending on what you do next. You need to be honest with her (like you are doing here with a group of strangers) and simply say that you do not want to be her friend, you love her and want to be with her. Anything else is simply not right and you won't be able to do. If she says no, then you have to stay true to your word and walk away. If she's interested then she'll come to you.

 

I know that's harsh and really hard to accept but believe it's a lot better than fooling yourself that you can be her friend. Myself and Thieves have both been there and have the scars to prove it.

 

Yes you are supposed to fight for the one you love, but who are you fighting against? Who's the enemy here? All I see is a girl who can't decide what she wants and until she does she wants you nearby. She's not going to make a decision if you stay around as her friend as that leaves her in her comfort zone where she gets what she wants, but you get nothing. You want that?

 

Tell her everything, make her understand you're serious by walking away and giving her time to think. No contact for 2 weeks or longer. Make it clear to her that you won't settle for friendship because I tell you, the moment you do, that's all you'll ever be.

[smudge21]

I'm sorry that happened to you, Smudge. One of the worst things is looking back and thinking, "What if I had done this...?" Especially if you thought you had a chance to actually know what could've happened. It happens to the best of us. My one regret was sticking around and agreeing to be friends right after he became official with a new girl and said he didn't want me. Granted, it was my fault for telling him I liked him too late after he got with another girl - but I was unaware that he had gotten with her. Guess that just makes it worse.

 

So it was too late for me, too. Yet I stayed as his 'friend', hurting inside the whole time. What was I thinking?

 

I hate "what ifs..." - got so many of them throughout my life too, especially lately.

 

I actually can recall one time I sat her down to talk and I had planned what I wanted to say, to tell her how I felt, how much she meant to me. In my eyes, it was the final chance and I was prepared to gamble the friendship for her love.

 

Before I had chance to talk she stepped in and said a few things of her own, talked about us, how things had happened, how she was back with her ex... well, that just threw me a curve ball and I lost my train of thought. I just basically agreed that I was fine with being her friend. Yep, totally blew it. Instead of telling her the truth, I told her what would make her feel happier. I cared more for her feelings than my own! What a fool.

 

When we love someone we do the craziest of things and are willing to give up and accept anything and everything just to be with them. We become so blinded to the truth and just honestly believe we can make everything right if we just keep fighting on wards. The hardest to ever accept is reality. The hardest thing to ever do is to let go. Only when we're finally over someone do we see the truth...

[KS11]

So ive been given all this a lot of thought over the last few days, and kind of convinced myself that being friends cant happen.

 

That said, i think the best thing for me to do is write a letter..and like you say explain everything once and for all. I think its best for me to say that she clearly is confused about her feelings and that until she can figure what it is she wants, i cant carry on like this.

 

Im really not sure whether im going to be able to do the no contact thing, even as im writing this i can feel myself on the verge of getting upset again. Im so scared that this could actually be the last time we speak.

 

maybe this is a bad idea.

[smudge21]

If saying goodbye didn't hurt then it would suggest you never cared, so this should hurt and no doubt will. Walking away from a loved one is never easy and if you want to release those feelings then do so, no one here would blame you for doing so.

 

However, like I said, if you think it hurts saying goodbye then by all means stay friends, but accept that's probably all you'd be. Then ask yourself if you really could face dealing with her meeting someone new, and telling you all about it. That's what friends are for afterall.

 

The letter's good, but don't focus on the past, just say how you feel and be as honest as possible. Write it, then sleep on it. Read again in the morning and see how it sounds. Make sure you're happy with it before you send it, like you said, this could very well be the last communication you have with her and you won't to make it right.

 

I know that's hard to hear, but what's the alternative?