He's More Than MM

[SoMovinOn]

I think I already said this...it's not the nature of humans, it's the nature of humans on a "support board". LS is a support board and the word support connotes a particular thing, so most people here are indeed in some type of situation that warrants advice and support. We agree.

 

As for being happy with your A and having issues you'd like to discuss...welll....that's another matter as I'm feeling like we're going to be disagreeing there.

 

No relationship is happy 24/7 but many relationships have temporary issues that come up....most of the "issues" discussed in As are built into the fact that it is an A and won't ever go away until it is not an A any longer...and IMO, if your relationship has issues that are inherent because of it's nature that will not go away unless the nature is changed....then how can you say you're happy with it? You're not, you're sorta-kinda-okay-except...there clearly is an "except" or "but" built in.

 

But that's not only As...lots of relationships have inherent problems and issues that may not be fixable and you either have to leave or continue getting "support" about the same thing and I suppose there are forums catered to people staying in As and seeking support for the same things for as long as the A persists. I have a friend who for the past 5 years has been getting "support" for her relationship....needless to say, I am not envious of her relationship and I am not convinced she is happy, no matter what she says.

 

Good points. Good post. I especially agree with your point that if the issue(s) with the A are inherent to it being an A, then the discussion can only be about making the choice to accept those issues and continue the A, or get rid of the issues by getting out of the A.

[SoMovinOn]

Your post made me think about something. Any forum that I've ever joined, I lurked for quite a while so I had a pretty good idea of what kind of personalities were there and also I got to know on some level what the tone of the board was before I posted. I tend to think that most of us, including me don't want to plow in and get people's backs up right away, right? Or am I unusual? I'll even admit that I'm usually a little intimidating when I first start out somewhere new. Maybe I'm wrong to assume that others think similar to me. Anyway, I assume they do, so I get a little skeptical when someone starts out posting in a fashion that is confrontational and a little on the rude side to start with and I wonder, are they trolling or are they legit.

 

I'm a jumper. I find a forum that seems to apply to whatever my interest is, and I jump right in. It seems jumpers are as common as are lurkers (those who take some time to read and get a feel for things before posting).

 

Kind of like swimming. I dive into the pool head first. You'd be more the type to put your toes in the water first and enter gradually.

 

Slow is probably better. I've never heard of anyone getting killed or paralyzed from sticking their toe in the water first.

 

... but, yes... on any board, if you see someone blast onto the scene from zero to 60 instantly, it certainly makes you look at that poster with at least some bit of caution. They may just be a jumper, or, there could be something else going on.

[woinlove]

I think I already said this...it's not the nature of humans, it's the nature of humans on a "support board". LS is a support board and the word support connotes a particular thing, so most people here are indeed in some type of situation that warrants advice and support. We agree.

 

As for being happy with your A and having issues you'd like to discuss...welll....that's another matter as I'm feeling like we're going to be disagreeing there.

 

No relationship is happy 24/7 but many relationships have temporary issues that come up....most of the "issues" discussed in As are built into the fact that it is an A and won't ever go away until it is not an A any longer...and IMO, if your relationship has issues that are inherent because of it's nature that will not go away unless the nature is changed....then how can you say you're happy with it? You're not, you're sorta-kinda-okay-except...there clearly is an "except" or "but" built in.

 

But that's not only As...lots of relationships have inherent problems and issues that may not be fixable and you either have to leave or continue getting "support" about the same thing and I suppose there are forums catered to people staying in As and seeking support for the same things for as long as the A persists. I have a friend who for the past 5 years has been getting "support" for her relationship....needless to say, I am not envious of her relationship and I am not convinced she is happy, no matter what she says.

 

Interesting discussion.

 

I think very few people (maybe none!) are truly happy in an A the way people can be truly happy in a committed R with someone who is their friend, lover, partner, family - the kind where you wake up most mornings just feeling so fortunate for the life you have and share together.

 

I actually was a pretty happy OW -- I certainly never felt in need of any support or even a need to remind myself why I was happy -- but looking back it was because I was selfish and not capable of loving very deeply and being in an A satisfied my needs and wants at the time and I didn't think or care much about its impact on the BW. At the time, I didn't see myself as limited in my capacity for love. I was really great at the falling in love part of love. You have to experience more and deeper love first to know what you are missing.

 

I have yet to meet or read about someone who is capable of really loving, capable and wanting to make a commitment to a special lover and partner, who is truly happy and satisfied with being in an A. Maybe such a person exists but, so far, I haven't found them in any 'happy in my A' threads. I think 'happy in A' threads may serve a purpose in helping some feel a bit better about staying in the A. Whether that is really a help, or simply a temporary bandaid which might delay a more useful, critical look at the situation is debatable.

Edited September 22, 2011 by woinlove

[Silly_Girl]

I feel sorry for the OP. Lots of critical evaluation and judgements going on, but not much in response to her post.

 

I don't use a nickname because there are so many abbreviations and acronyms I felt adding another would be confusing. 'Boyfriend' is fine for me.

Edited September 22, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[woinlove]

I feel sorry for the OP. Lots of critical evaluation and judgements going on, but not much in response to her post.

 

You feel sorry for her that there isn't more to say about using the acronym MM?

 

ETA: There might be interesting points for her (or anyone) to consider in some of this discussion, which surrounds issues raised by the need or desire of the OP to speak more personally and positively about the MM and A than most who come here looking for support. In any case, it looks like she already has her answer to the specific MM vs more individual identifier question, as she has moved on using the latter in subsequent threads.

Edited September 22, 2011 by woinlove

[herenow]

IMO, the use of MM/MW/BW/BS or whatever fits, helps readers understand what a post is about. Nicknames and/or initials don't tell the story as well as the acronyms. It would cause confusion IMO.

[His4Always]

Your post made me think about something. Any forum that I've ever joined, I lurked for quite a while so I had a pretty good idea of what kind of personalities were there and also I got to know on some level what the tone of the board was before I posted. I tend to think that most of us, including me don't want to plow in and get people's backs up right away, right? Or am I unusual? I'll even admit that I'm usually a little intimidating when I first start out somewhere new. Maybe I'm wrong to assume that others think similar to me. Anyway, I assume they do, so I get a little skeptical when someone starts out posting in a fashion that is confrontational and a little on the rude side to start with and I wonder, are they trolling or are they legit.

Hi LadyGrey,

I read a couple of the posts before joining. Once of them was an old thread that came up in the results from my search engine.

 

I read enough to know to be careful with the information I share at first. Perhaps I didn't read enough to know that this forum is slanted toward leaving an EMR.

 

I am very sorry if my reticence to share all the details of our EMR makes you feel that I was being confrontational or rude. It certainly wasn't my intent. If the members of this forum feel that I am not a good fit, then I will stop posting.

 

I would like to stay though.

[His4Always]

original poster...

 

( I don't like using acronyms either, but that's because I am a "military spouse", and am constantly exposed to acronyms...enough to drive one crazy:laugh:)

 

why does the terminology matter so much to you? He is, after all, a married guy who is cheating on his wife with you, and you are "the other woman". Words and titles don't change anything. They may make it more "palatable", but , when you come right down to it, your are having an affair with a married man. Words don't change anything... to paraphrase Shakespeare " a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, and a skunk by any other name would still smell as bad".

 

I'm not trying to offend you, but it really does seem as if you may not be being truly honest with yourself. If being in an affair is what turns your crank, fine, but don't delude yourself, own it...you can change the words and titles, but you can't change the relationship or make it something it isn't.

Hi frozenspouts,

I am not offended by your post. I understand that the acronyms are here for a reason. However, it's my personal belief that using the acronym doesn't correctly convey the love we share.

 

If it is acceptable to everyone, I'd like to keep using JP to describe the man in my life.

[herenow]

Hi frozenspouts,

I am not offended by your post. I understand that the acronyms are here for a reason. However, it's my personal belief that using the acronym doesn't correctly convey the love we share.

 

If it is acceptable to everyone, I'd like to keep using JP to describe the man in my life.

 

I would say that it's acceptable for you to call the man in your life whatever you want to call him. I just think it may confuse people who don't know your story. The acronyms make it clear what each situation is. It's up to you on how and what you post.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

If it is acceptable to everyone, I'd like to keep using JP to describe the man in my life.

 

With respect;

 

What do you care whether it's "acceptable to everyone" what you call your affair partner here?

 

It's not "acceptable to everyone" that you are having an EMA, regardless of what you call your partner in it. (And you certainly seem comfortable with that particular acronym, for somebody who's started a thread about the feebleness of acronyms).

 

It's not acceptable to you, evidently, that people respond to your post in whichever way they are personally moved to respond.

 

For the record, I doubt very much that you "read a couple of posts before joining." I think that you are very familiar with this forum, and to the other people here. A brand new person doesn't come out of the gate on any board with the practiced passive-aggressive jabs and smooth use of the prevailing lingo. You have.

 

In any case, I am honestly curious about your purpose here. What is it? You are clearly aware that this is not the happy booster club for women in affairs with married men that other fora are ... yet, you showed up.

[Trimmer]

IMO, the use of MM/MW/BW/BS or whatever fits, helps readers understand what a post is about. Nicknames and/or initials don't tell the story as well as the acronyms. It would cause confusion IMO.

Agree - realize that the nature of a forum is that you get many readers drifting in and out at different times. Also, people who read your thread may have read posts from 20 other threads in the same sitting, and may not have checked in on your thread for days, weeks, whatever.

 

So the problem with using initials or something specific to you is that you are making your story harder to read for many posters, who don't retain the details of your personal story.

 

Using a common language to "name" the participants is a way to make it easier for us all to participate, to "pick up" the story, and to orient ourselves quickly as we read your posts.

 

And really, if you think about it, aren't the acronyms "MM" and "AP" that you spoke of very much decidedly neutral? Even "BS" and "WS", while they may raise some eyebrows, are pretty much objectively descriptive, and non judgemental.

 

Now, if your objection to these acronyms is that they depersonalize your partner, and fail to convey the love and emotion of your relationship, shouldn't you say the same thing about a set of nickname initials (which, for anonymity, I would suggest you not use the real ones...) Objectively, isn't that just as depersonalizing to have to hide your person behind a made-up set of initials? Isn't that just trading one acronym for another?

 

So if in fact you are concerned about conveying the nature of your relationship, realize that whatever moniker you use: the "standard" MM, or your hand-selected "JP" or whatever, by itself is just a symbol to the rest of us. Your choice of moniker may be emotionally meaningful to you, but not so much to those reading your posts. To those reading your posts, it is through your descriptions, your language, etc. that you will convey the nature of your relationship your love for your partner, your concerns, etc.

 

I would suggest that to those reading your posts, your choice of initials won't matter much in that respect, but your use of the 'standard' abbreviations will have an effect on the accessibility of your posts to itinerant readers, and therefore, possibly on the breadth of responses you will get.

 

...it's my personal belief that using the acronym doesn't correctly convey the love we share.

 

If it is acceptable to everyone, I'd like to keep using JP to describe the man in my life.

I will suggest once again that your choice of initials may be especially meaningful to you, but doesn't really "convey" a whole lot of significance to the rest of us. That's where the rest of your posts come in.

 

Having said all that, you are completely entitled to refer to your partner in whatever way you choose and however it feels right to you. Other than keeping his identity anonymous, there's no requirement to use a certain language to participate in the forums.

[Lucky_One]

Hi frozenspouts,

I am not offended by your post. I understand that the acronyms are here for a reason. However, it's my personal belief that using the acronym doesn't correctly convey the love we share.

 

If it is acceptable to everyone, I'd like to keep using JP to describe the man in my life.

 

It is hard to read posts with nickname initials; I will wrack my brains trying to figure out WHAT a JP is, not WHO a JP is.

 

I am thinking that you don't like the generic MM/OW, because your EMA is so special and so different from anyone else's. He IS a MM, it IS an EMA, and you ARE a OW.

[woinlove]

It is hard to read posts with nickname initials; I will wrack my brains trying to figure out WHAT a JP is, not WHO a JP is.

 

I am thinking that you don't like the generic MM/OW, because your EMA is so special and so different from anyone else's. He IS a MM, it IS an EMA, and you ARE a OW.

 

 

H4A made it clear that JP is not his real initials, so I guess one could JGI and J4F pick JP, or maybe JM. JICYDK

[herenow]

H4A made it clear that JP is not his real initials, so I guess one could JGI and J4F pick JP, or maybe JM. JICYDK

 

Exactly

[His4Always]

With respect;

 

What do you care whether it's "acceptable to everyone" what you call your affair partner here?

 

It's not "acceptable to everyone" that you are having an EMA, regardless of what you call your partner in it. (And you certainly seem comfortable with that particular acronym, for somebody who's started a thread about the feebleness of acronyms).

 

It's not acceptable to you, evidently, that people respond to your post in whichever way they are personally moved to respond.

 

For the record, I doubt very much that you "read a couple of posts before joining." I think that you are very familiar with this forum, and to the other people here. A brand new person doesn't come out of the gate on any board with the practiced passive-aggressive jabs and smooth use of the prevailing lingo. You have.

 

In any case, I am honestly curious about your purpose here. What is it? You are clearly aware that this is not the happy booster club for women in affairs with married men that other fora are ... yet, you showed up.

I asked about using a different term because I wanted to follow the rules of the forum.

 

As for the rest of your post, I have already apologized for anything that was perceived as passive aggressive or rude. I came here because this is a forum for people in EMR's. I happen to be one of those people. And yes, I am familiar with the terminology from reading various websites.

 

As I said before, if I am not welcome here, I will leave.

[herenow]

I asked about using a different term because I wanted to follow the rules of the forum.

 

As for the rest of your post, I have already apologized for anything that was perceived as passive aggressive or rude. I came here because this is a forum for people in EMR's. I happen to be one of those people. And yes, I am familiar with the terminology from reading various websites.

 

As I said before, if I am not welcome here, I will leave.

 

I would say that based on all the threads you have started and all the responses, you are very welcome here.

[His4Always]

H4A made it clear that JP is not his real initials, so I guess one could JGI and J4F pick JP, or maybe JM. JICYDK

That isn't true. I chose the initials because they are the initials of a movie star I admire. It would be careless of me to use his actual initials.

 

I've obviously angered you, and I'm sorry. If you still find me offensive, please tell me what I can do to correct the problem. Please send me a message if you don't want to post it here.

[Lucky_One]

I know she said JP aren't his real initials. She stated that multiple times.

 

JP in text speak is "Just playin' ". A JP is a JAP who isn't American. A JP is a junior partier.

 

If she wants to confuse people, then she can go for it. It's a free country. I personally find it irritating, KWIM.

 

KUWTA.

[His4Always]

I know she said JP aren't his real initials. She stated that multiple times.

 

JP in text speak is "Just playin' ". A JP is a JAP who isn't American. A JP is a junior partier.

 

If she wants to confuse people, then she can go for it. It's a free country. I personally find it irritating, KWIM.

 

KUWTA.

I understand that it can cause some confusion.

 

I will stop using JP and use the accepted acronyms. Thanks.

[herenow]

I understand that it can cause some confusion.

 

I will stop using JP and use the accepted acronyms. Thanks.

 

I don't think anyone said the use of JP would not be accepted. It's just a matter if you want everyone to understand you and your situation. It's always your choice.

[woinlove]

That isn't true. I chose the initials because they are the initials of a movie star I admire. It would be careless of me to use his actual initials.

 

I've obviously angered you, and I'm sorry. If you still find me offensive, please tell me what I can do to correct the problem. Please send me a message if you don't want to post it here.

 

Not angered at all. I was playing off of Lucky's post and didn't say you chose the initials that way.

 

Anyway, I think it is good you will stick to the usual acronyms.

[Owl]

I'm curious...how does "JP" convey the "love that we share" more than MM or AP?

 

They're all just initials/acronyms.

 

If you don't like the abbreviations...spell out what you're trying to say instead. Just make sure it's clear enough for others to understand, or else you'll spend as much time translating what you intend to say as you do reading/posting.

 

I realize that you want to believe that there is something special, unique about your situation, about the "love that we share". After several years here, trust me, you're not the first woman to come here wanting that...believing that.

 

What you'll find if you stay is that your situation, your story...his words, his actions, the whole process...typically is NOT unique. In fact...it's normally so well choreographed that we often refer to it as "scripts".

 

Human interaction really just isn't that complicated. We like to make it that way...see it that way....but when you boil it down...first year chemistry is a lot more complex.

 

Over time...you'll see the same exact story play out here many, many times. The names (or acronyms?) may change...but what's said, what's done, the outcomes...all follow a pretty small set of 'scripts'...and you'll see yours in there somewhere.

 

It might seem harsh....but again...it's from the viewpoint of someone who's been here long enough to have seen this play out many, many, many times.

[Avery]

It is hard to read posts with nickname initials; I will wrack my brains trying to figure out WHAT a JP is, not WHO a JP is.

 

I am thinking that you don't like the generic MM/OW, because your EMA is so special and so different from anyone else's. He IS a MM, it IS an EMA, and you ARE a OW.

 

Exactly. I suspect she will continually have problems with her relationship with the man in her life... until she either 1) accepts that it IS an affair, he IS a MM, and she IS an OW, and embrace that role, or 2) Decide she isn't an OW.

 

For example, I didn't relish being a BW. Despised it, in fact. So I decided I wasn't, and now I'm not.

 

See? Easy as Pie.

[Circular]

Most people come to these boards because they are trying to make sense of the situations they are in. Some come at the beginning of the A, some in the middle, some, like me came after I ended the A. Added to that there are a quite a few BS that come and post here as well, some to vent, some to slap reality into the situation.

 

For me, I like the mixture of opinions, thoughts, and situations as it has given me some great perspective and aided me through navigating a very difficult time in my life. And, honestly life is about learning, gaining insight and having better understanding of all aspects of the world around us so we can become more complete, happy and content within ourselves.

 

A lot of newcomers equate being welcomed with being validated. And the truth is being validated isn't being supported, being validated has to do with hearing what you want to hear. Being supported means others imparting their experience, how they handled the situation, what they didn't see that they learned later, and you as an individual then glean from those pieces of experience to see if they fit your situation. Nobody is forcing these constructs on you, you ask a question and we'll give you our opinions based on our personal experiences.

 

For me if you use JP or MM doesn't really matter, it just makes it difficult for someone reading your situation for the first time wondering what JP means. For me, as I said previously I use xMW actually more out of respect for her, by obfuscating her identity as best as possible I'm protecting her, which is what I would do with anyone I love or care for. You might see it as depersonalization but every time I type xMW I get a little smile, a little glint in my eye because I KNOW who that is.

[His4Always]

I'm curious...how does "JP" convey the "love that we share" more than MM or AP?

 

They're all just initials/acronyms.

 

If you don't like the abbreviations...spell out what you're trying to say instead. Just make sure it's clear enough for others to understand, or else you'll spend as much time translating what you intend to say as you do reading/posting.

 

I realize that you want to believe that there is something special, unique about your situation, about the "love that we share". After several years here, trust me, you're not the first woman to come here wanting that...believing that.

 

What you'll find if you stay is that your situation, your story...his words, his actions, the whole process...typically is NOT unique. In fact...it's normally so well choreographed that we often refer to it as "scripts".

 

Human interaction really just isn't that complicated. We like to make it that way...see it that way....but when you boil it down...first year chemistry is a lot more complex.

 

Over time...you'll see the same exact story play out here many, many times. The names (or acronyms?) may change...but what's said, what's done, the outcomes...all follow a pretty small set of 'scripts'...and you'll see yours in there somewhere.

 

It might seem harsh....but again...it's from the viewpoint of someone who's been here long enough to have seen this play out many, many, many times.

Hi Owl,

I liked the initials because they made him seem more like a person, and less like a generic acronym. Does that make any sense?

 

I am aware that affairs are risky and most of them don't work out.

Thanks.