convince spouse to goto marriage counseling?

[robf1971]

because of fear of what she will do with our kids. I fear her packing up and moving them to go live with her mother in a different town and different school. The attorney said I'm powerless to prevent that.!

 

Find another attorney.

[jake999]

With her being gone for the day I took it upon myself this morning to do some more snooping around. I found a new email and Facebook account created under an alias on her laptop. I can't login to the accounts so I can't see what she has been doing on them. However, I noticed that the only person she added to that Facebook was a guy.

 

I googled him and found out that he lives a few towns over and works at a retail store there. So, I looked at our bank account and I see that she made a purchase at that store about a month ago, which is right around when she said she was done with our relationship. I'm not sure if she had been seeing this guy prior to that or met him on that day and has been seeing him since.

 

Keep in mind that about a week ago she said she was up for MC but I blew that opportunity.

 

The problem with the phone records is that I can view all the calls/texts made but I don't necessarily know who's numbers they are. Her phone has a password lock on it so I can't see the contact info, which could be faked anyways.

 

Confronting her about it is probably the advice I'd give to others but I don't want to for fear of retaliation... I'm sure she'll figure out that I was snooping and I think it would destroy reconciliation chances.

[jaymz]

With her being gone for the day I took it upon myself this morning to do some more snooping around. I found a new email and Facebook account created under an alias on her laptop. I can't login to the accounts so I can't see what she has been doing on them. However, I noticed that the only person she added to that Facebook was a guy.

 

Sorry but that is pretty much a smoking gun

 

I googled him and found out that he lives a few towns over and works at a retail store there. So, I looked at our bank account and I see that she made a purchase at that store about a month ago, which is right around when she said she was done with our relationship. I'm not sure if she had been seeing this guy prior to that or met him on that day and has been seeing him since.

 

Need to get more evidence of this

 

Keep in mind that about a week ago she said she was up for MC but I blew that opportunity.

 

How?

 

The problem with the phone records is that I can view all the calls/texts made but I don't necessarily know who's numbers they are. Her phone has a password lock on it so I can't see the contact info, which could be faked anyways.

 

I had the same issue. I just sat down at work with a copy of the numbers and called them and asked them who they were and how did they know my wife. When I told the stbxw what I did, she blew up!

 

Confronting her about it is probably the advice I'd give to others but I don't want to for fear of retaliation... I'm sure she'll figure out that I was snooping and I think it would destroy reconciliation chances.

 

Why? Best thing with affairs is to open them up to the light. let everyone know. It will either bring her fantasy world crashing down and she will want you back or it wont, either way it will force the issue. Just make sure you have evidence and plan for the worse...

[Linda9999]

Yeah, call the numbers. Best way to find out. You can try googling them but often that won't get you anywhere.

 

If you do confront her, be forewarned that she will only disclose enough info to cover her butt based on what she thinks you know. The more evidence you have the less lying she can get away with. Right now it sounds like she could say she hasn't been up to anything at all and you would have no facts to argue with. There's gotta be a way you can get access to the facebook and email accounts. I didn't have that problem - my husband accidentally left himself logged in to yahoo, so I didn't have to hack in.

[jake999]

Well, with the ball being in my court about if/when to confront her regarding the OM, I want to take my time and execute it well.

 

I know that she went to the retail store with her friend who is recently single. So, it's possible that if I confront her without enough info that she can explain it away as her friend being the interested party and that she was only contacting him for her or that they were truly just friends and that her female friend is the one interested in him, etc. I wouldn't buy that story, but I'd like to eliminate it from being a possibility.

 

I think I'm going to buy a calling card and call some of the numbers and see who answers. There's only a handful that are called significantly, and none of them should be male.

 

Even if I am doing the 180 perfectly, is reconciliation even possible with an OM lingering? For some reason I am still interested in it.

[andyg99]

Even if I am doing the 180 perfectly, is reconciliation even possible with an OM lingering? For some reason I am still interested in it.

 

I think you are interested in reconciliation because you are afraid.. you have your kids in mind which is good... the fear of her taking them from you is paralyzing - you need to get real answers about that right now, get a second opinion about her taking them out of town, see if you can get at a minimum 50% custody. When you're head is clear I think you will find that unless she admits to everything (and it sure looks like she has another guy) there is no point in reconciling. Take care.

[Steen719]

Jake,

 

Install a keylogger now. It allows you to look at chats and snapshots. That will tell you what she is up to on the computer. Some allow them to be emailed to you so you don't have to get back on after you install it.

 

Get on Phone detective right now. It does not cost that much and you can find out what every phone number goes to. This is how I first found the number my H was calling a lot. It was worth it to know.

 

Get your information together, follow what others have said, Andy, in particular about the 50% custody and 2nd opinion about taking them out of town.

 

Act Now.

[jake999]

It's been quite an interesting few days since I've posted. I have seen a few more divorce attorneys. The consensus is that there are no legal grounds for me preventing her from moving with the kids within the state. The best hope I have to prevent that is to reach an agreement with her.

 

I was able to get into her other email and Facebook accounts. She did have the OM added to her Facebook but only one message was sent to him saying she was new to the area and looking for places to hang out. I think she was doing a little reconnaissance on her own about this guy for whatever reason.

 

I have been doing the 180 with a heavy focus on interacting with my kids. It's ironic that I'm finding strength for my kids through my kids.

 

Last night she told me she wanted to talk about our plans. She informed me that she wanted to take the kids and live in her hometown with her mother. Her reasons were that she didn't think I'd really pay the child support, that it would be easier for her to get a job there with her mother, and some others. I told her that I thought it was not acting in the best interests of the kids to move them out of their school, community, and away from me so that she could live with her mother. I said that my needs as a father to the kids are more important than her needs to be by her mother.

 

This caused a huge disagreement. I told her that if she were to move the kids away from me that there were many legal things I could do to prevent it in the name of their best interest. One such option is to reverse the custody and have the kids stay with me and she get visitation on the weekends instead. She got very sad and angry with the idea that I could be "taking the kids from her."

 

She told me she has no interest in ever being with me or working things out. I probably shouldn't have but I brought up the OM and asked some questions about him. She said that he was just a friend and that nothing has or will be happening with him. I didn't push the issue because I really have no smoking gun and it's kind of pointless right now I think. I didn't reveal anything about how I obtained any info I had on him. I made it seem like I knew a lot more than I really do.

 

We ended the conversation and went to our rooms. About an hour later she began texting me from her room. The texts were basically asking how I could do this to her, that she lived her life for the kids, etc. I violated some of the 180 by telling her that I love her and want to do whats best for the kids. After about 30 minutes we both decided to goto bed.

 

This morning she texted me from her room that she was willing to stay out here if it meant not having the kids taken away from her. I guess flipping the custody thing around sorta worked in getting her to understand what it feels like for me when she says she's going to take them from me and let me see them only on the weekends.

 

It wasn't rock solid but I think she's open to living with me for the kids. I'm not sure if she still wants to move out or have me move out. But, she is willing to keep them in this town which was my goal so I didn't push it. I told her that I wanted to goto counseling for parenting issues, not relationship issues, since it is impacting our children. She did not agree to this and her tone (if you can detect that over text) changed and she told me, "I refuse to do any counseling with you what so ever, the only reason I will stay here is for them." I backed off it. She asked if I was going to file or what my plan was. I replied, "Why would I?" Then she asked, "so we're going to both be here just for the kids?" and I replied "thats my main goal." The conversation ended there.

 

With our lease ending in a couple months we really do need to figure out some living arrangements. Do I proceed on thinking that we are going to live together or do I assume that we won't be and that we need to find 2 places? I don't really want to ask her that question because she didn't say it specifically so to me that means both are still options in her mind. Should my course of action still be the 180 here? What do I do about this OM?

 

I'm thrilled that the kids will stay here. Most of the attorneys I spoke to said that it's very likely I could have the kids every weekend if things turn sour, so that's a huge relief also.

 

I feel really crappy though that I'm forcing her to live out here if she really is done with me. I wish she would just goto counseling with an open and positive mindset.

[KathyM]

If your wife won't go with you to marriage counseling, then go there alone. She may decide to join you later if she sees that it has made a difference in you and your perspective. It's worth a try. You can't force her to go to marriage counseling, but you can lead by example, and by you going there yourself, it does give her the impression that you are serious about making the marriage work, and you are doing whatever it takes to make it work. She may have a change of heart when she sees you are trying hard to make it work, and she may then be willing to join you in counseling. It's worth a try. It's not too late to try to save it.

[carhill]

MC/IC can also offer tools to more effectively manage the upcoming events in a healthier way.

 

One example would be to learn communication tools to clarify issues. Ask questions without predetermined responses to the answers.

 

Another would be to learn how to accept her path as hers and not binding upon yourself. If she's on another path with an OM, she is. That's her path. It has consequences. Your path is yours. It, too, has consequences. You choose your path. You have no control over hers. This is the concept of 'acceptance'.

 

As KathyM suggests, give MC/IC a try. See what you think. Interview any perspective counselor on the basis of their expertise in recovering a M with children from infidelity. What's their plan for recovery?

 

In our case, MC made the difference between a hotly contested divorce and an amicable uncontested one. That's my perception anyway.

[KathyM]

MC/IC can also offer tools to more effectively manage the upcoming events in a healthier way.

 

One example would be to learn communication tools to clarify issues. Ask questions without predetermined responses to the answers.

 

Another would be to learn how to accept her path as hers and not binding upon yourself. If she's on another path with an OM, she is. That's her path. It has consequences. Your path is yours. It, too, has consequences. You choose your path. You have no control over hers. This is the concept of 'acceptance'.

 

As KathyM suggests, give MC/IC a try. See what you think. Interview any perspective counselor on the basis of their expertise in recovering a M with children from infidelity. What's their plan for recovery?

 

In our case, MC made the difference between a hotly contested divorce and an amicable uncontested one. That's my perception anyway.

My sister and her estranged husband (2nd husband) went to marriage counseling after they had been separated for a year, had both started dating other people, and had filed the divorce papers. They figured they owed it to themselves to give it one last try, to see if they could make it work. And it did come so close to working out for them, but unfortunately, too much time had passed, and he had developed "friendships" with other women, and did not give those up fast enough for her. It would be worth a try to save it before taking such a final step, even if there is someone else in the picture now.

[Steen719]

My concern for you is that you would stay in the house with her. I am presently doing that with STBXH and it is really not a good situation. I have to do it until the house sells (not even on market yet) d/t finances. I can tell you that it is very uncomfortable and if my son were still at home, I would have an even more difficult time.

 

I would go to counseling myself. It can help you with some clarity and as Carhill says, it might make a difference in how the divorce proceeds.

 

I don't know if you are even interested in knowing if there is another man if she is really not interested in being married to you anymore. Some people just want to know. For some, it helps them move on to a divorce and for others, it seems to present a situation that a couple can actually get over as opposed to just the loss of feelings from a spouse. If you do want to know, then just checking her facebook messages won't help if she is deleting them and you should download a keylogger.

 

I'm glad she will stay close with the kids. They are sure a blessing and it helps to have them to love and care for.

 

Best to you.

[jake999]

It's been a while since I've posted on here but I wanted to update all of you that have helped... and ask for some more help

 

Over the past 2 weeks I was able to confirm that there is an OM based on a number of factors. Cell phone records, uncharacteristic late nights out, and I was finally able to see some of her text messages. I have not seen any direct texts to/from the OM other than him saying that she looked "sexy as hell" in one of her shirts, and that he "misses you like hell". However, in texts to one of her friends my wife said that it would be hard to end the relationship with him and that she wanted advice on whether or not if she should see him one final time for closure (she did). That friend asked my wife if she would be able to resist the temptation if she saw him and my wife replied that it was "that time of the month" for her so nothing would happen. (This is the first time that I've ever been happy about that time of the month in our whole marriage, LOL!)

 

I have confronted my wife about him and she admitted that she started a friendship with him to her friend's wingman since her friend was interested in his friend.... yada yada yada. Over numerous conversations she refuses to admit that he is anything more than a friend. I believe that to be a lie and I know that she is not being honest with how many times they have hung out, she says 2-3 and I have it pegged at a much higher number. The only snooping I have admitted to is checking the cell phone bill. And, checking texts is very hard and she is deleting all of his anyways.

 

I am extremely excited that she has agreed to goto an MC! I found a reputable place with a few of them and called them 2 days ago, I am awaiting a return call from an actual Therapist so that we can setup a time to come in.

 

The main problem I'm having now is that she refuses to admit anything about the relationship with the OM and continues to talk to him! I asked that she stop and she said she would if I "made her a priority." That's a pretty vague thing to ask me but I have basically been walking on eggshells. There was one situation we had where she asked that I be home to watch the kids while she went to visit her family and I gave her a little attitude about it since it conflicted with my schedule heavily. I gave in and ended up being home at the exact time that she originally requested. I found out later by snooping that she did visit her family but also saw the OM afterwards! Now I know why it was such a big deal to her

 

I confronted her about whether or not she saw him that night and she lied. I asked her if she is still talking to him and she said she's not going to do anything on her side to fix things until I do stuff on my end. I didn't reveal my evidence so I accepted the lie and told her that I don't want to talk to her until she is ready to tell me that she ended the relationship with the OM... admittedly that will be pretty hard since we have 2 kids that are active in sports right now. Oh, and she asked me for a hug and I turned it down. Also, one of my family members is having some health problems and she asked me about that person and I brushed it off saying that everything was fine and that I didn't want to talk about it. I don't have any interest in confiding family issues or touching her with this OM in the picture. Am I wrong for that?

 

So, we will likely be able to get an MC appointment next week. She is still interested in it. However, I'm having a really hard time with the idea of going there and talking to an MC and discussing all the other problems in our relationship while this OM looms over us. I don't feel that I can even open up to or in front of her if this OM is still in the picture. I feel like it would be doomed before even starting.

 

What do I do? It sounded like she was going to end it when texting with her one friend, but she wound up seeing him that night anyways.

Edited October 15, 2011 by jake999

[carhill]

In MC, the marriage is the client. If you want to try the MC route, the focus will necessarily be on the marriage. We established a baseline and had separate interviews with the MC before moving into the elementary matters of consequence, including my EA. IIRC, that really didn't become the primary focus for a few weeks. We went to MC for about 14 months. 'Inappropriate' took about 3-5 months to really sink in. Meaningful change for myself took about 8 months. Your circumstances are different. Your wife is hiding information. I was completely disclosing proactively and was going to get my needs met no matter what the consequences. Your wife's OM might just be a fling and probably is. My EA was with someone who had been a MW a generation ago. We had a 'history'. Different circumstances. The commonality is the inappropriate nature of the interaction and how the M is de-prioritized. A good MC can separate out the issues and work both the infidelity as well as your marital issues.

 

I'd give it a shot. Your wife still may want to be married to you and is on the fence. My situation was over long before my EA, as my exW had checked out of the M a few years before that, so a totally different situation. One potential commonality is that she'll respect you for taking responsibility and standing up for healthy boundaries. She might still be angry but respect can go a long ways if there's still love. Hope it works out.

[robf1971]

It's been a while since I've posted on here but I wanted to update all of you that have helped... and ask for some more help

 

Over the past 2 weeks I was able to confirm that there is an OM based on a number of factors. Cell phone records, uncharacteristic late nights out, and I was finally able to see some of her text messages. I have not seen any direct texts to/from the OM other than him saying that she looked "sexy as hell" in one of her shirts, and that he "misses you like hell". However, in texts to one of her friends my wife said that it would be hard to end the relationship with him and that she wanted advice on whether or not if she should see him one final time for closure (she did). That friend asked my wife if she would be able to resist the temptation if she saw him and my wife replied that it was "that time of the month" for her so nothing would happen. (This is the first time that I've ever been happy about that time of the month in our whole marriage, LOL!)

 

I have confronted my wife about him and she admitted that she started a friendship with him to her friend's wingman since her friend was interested in his friend.... yada yada yada. Over numerous conversations she refuses to admit that he is anything more than a friend. I believe that to be a lie and I know that she is not being honest with how many times they have hung out, she says 2-3 and I have it pegged at a much higher number. The only snooping I have admitted to is checking the cell phone bill. And, checking texts is very hard and she is deleting all of his anyways.

 

I am extremely excited that she has agreed to goto an MC! I found a reputable place with a few of them and called them 2 days ago, I am awaiting a return call from an actual Therapist so that we can setup a time to come in.

 

The main problem I'm having now is that she refuses to admit anything about the relationship with the OM and continues to talk to him! I asked that she stop and she said she would if I "made her a priority." That's a pretty vague thing to ask me but I have basically been walking on eggshells. There was one situation we had where she asked that I be home to watch the kids while she went to visit her family and I gave her a little attitude about it since it conflicted with my schedule heavily. I gave in and ended up being home at the exact time that she originally requested. I found out later by snooping that she did visit her family but also saw the OM afterwards! Now I know why it was such a big deal to her

 

I confronted her about whether or not she saw him that night and she lied. I asked her if she is still talking to him and she said she's not going to do anything on her side to fix things until I do stuff on my end. I didn't reveal my evidence so I accepted the lie and told her that I don't want to talk to her until she is ready to tell me that she ended the relationship with the OM... admittedly that will be pretty hard since we have 2 kids that are active in sports right now. Oh, and she asked me for a hug and I turned it down. Also, one of my family members is having some health problems and she asked me about that person and I brushed it off saying that everything was fine and that I didn't want to talk about it. I don't have any interest in confiding family issues or touching her with this OM in the picture. Am I wrong for that?

 

So, we will likely be able to get an MC appointment next week. She is still interested in it. However, I'm having a really hard time with the idea of going there and talking to an MC and discussing all the other problems in our relationship while this OM looms over us. I don't feel that I can even open up to or in front of her if this OM is still in the picture. I feel like it would be doomed before even starting.

 

What do I do? It sounded like she was going to end it when texting with her one friend, but she wound up seeing him that night anyways.

 

MC is pointless while she is seeing OM, she will likely just use the sessions to justify and blameshift. She has zero intention of stopping contact with OM and is cake eating. Quite honestly you are allowing her to.

 

She is walking all over you, and has zero respect for you. Without respect there can be no love. Her and OM are probably having a good laugh about it all.

 

Stop being so scared of her, just stop!!

 

Your words to wife,

 

"Wife I've been thinking, I get it now, you want to be with OM, I want you to be with him, so I've packed your stuff in boxes, filed for a 50/50 custody(do this) and will even help you move in"

 

 

Let her go with a big smile on your face, stop being scared of her silly threats to move away. Also an invaluable tip. If she talks to you in a nasty way or tries to bait you into an argument you hold your hand up and say

 

" Wife, until you can speak to me in a civil and friendly manner this conversation is over" then walk away.

 

Do not allow her to disrespect you..

[jake999]

Ok, our phones have the ability be tracked via GPS, which is a really cool feature for people with kids. I tracked her yesterday and she was at the OMs house. I was stupid and texted her asking where she was and she denied it. She doesn't know about the GPS tracking ability and I didn't reveal it. I threatened to drive up to the OMs house (1hr away) and see if she was there. This prompted her to get pissed and say that I shouldn't go there and start problems because she's not even there. She then said that she was going to head home from where she was.

 

Today she told me that yesterday she told the OM that she will no longer be talking to him. However, she still persists with lying about where she was last night. I know with 100% certainty that she was at the OMs house, but cannot show her the evidence since that would ruin my ability to use that in the future.

 

She said that she chose to stop talking to him because she did not want to get him and his family (he lives with his parents) involved in our mess. She then said that now she has done everything I have asked of her. She is now hounding me about how I know where she was. I keep saying that I look at the cell phone bill and the bank statements. She replies saying that there is no proof of anything with that and persists with her lie about where she was.

 

At this point, am I beating a dead horse getting her to admit anything? If she won't even admit that she saw him yesterday then it's probably unlikely that she will admit to anything happening between them, right?

 

How do I proceed with going to MC still? Should I just tell her that we can work on our problems with the MC? What's the chance of her opening up in MC and revealing info about the OM?

 

It's a good sign that she said she is no longer going to talk to the OM, but I'm skeptical based on the lie about her being there last night.

 

Thank you all for reading these posts of mine and helping. My mind has been going crazy with all this stuff, especially today since I finally knew with certainty that she was there yesterday.

[robf1971]

What's the chance of her opening up in MC and revealing info about the OM?.

 

Close to zero, She will continue to lie or at best trickle truth you. If you ask her or keep asking her if she's seeing someone else or who she's seeing she will accuse you of being jelous and controlling etc etc.

 

I'd sit her down with you in a nice calm way (carry a voice recorder with you just in case). Here is what you say,

 

"Wife I know all about you and (insert OM name)"

 

Let her speak, she will say "|We are just friends/nothing happened/ we just kissed/ your crazy" or some variation of these.

 

Your reply

 

"Please don't treat me like I'm stupid

 

 

We are now living in an open marriage which isn't fair on either of us. So to help us both to be happy I've filed for divorce and 50/50 childcare. I want you to be with OM so I've even packed your stuff in boxes and put them in the driveway. I'll even help you move"

 

This Jake, is giving her what she wants, let her have her freedom in spades. No one in this world deserves to be a second option, and at this precise moment nothing on the planet will pull your wife apart from OM. Please don't be afraid of pushing your wife further away, the fact is she's gone already.

 

One more thing, if you do what I say, there is a 1000 times higher chance of her coming back to you. That's if you can even stomach her after all of this. However don't even think about that now, just concentrate on yourself.

[jake999]

I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid!

 

She went out to her moms tonight and I tracked her via GPS. I had been watching the phone bill all day and saw no contact with the OM. Then I checked the GPS a little while after she was at her moms and saw that she was on her way to the OMs!!

 

I confronted her over text and she would not admit that she was there. She kept asking how I knew she was there and all I kept saying was that I had a gut feeling and wanted her to leave right now. She then turned off the GPS feature, so I quickly admitted to tracking her with it since she obviously figured it out anyways.

 

She is now saying that we are done and she will not goto MC because I do not trust her. I put my tail between my legs and apologized for snooping. She is literally there right now.

 

I know that I was wrong for snooping on her and tracking her but she is wrong for having an OM and being there and lying! It's a terrible circle of mistrust.

 

Is there any point to me going and seeing the OM and talking to him? He'd probably lie but maybe seeing that I'm a real person would make him cut off contact out of guilt or not wanting the drama? Nah, I guess not... he knows I'm real and obviously doesn't care.

 

What is wrong with me??????????????????

[TroyNJ]

Jake, it's time to man up.....First you had every right to snoop, your wife is CHEATING, she is disrespecting you right in your face. Do you really want to be with someone like that? You know what she's doing at the OM's right?

 

Here is what you should do...Put her cloths in trash bags and leave them on the porch or patio whatever it is you have. tell her to go stay with OM and that your done. Stop being a doormatt..This woman has turned you into a pussy, and I don't say that to be mean. You need to wake up and make her pay for her actions. ENOUGH MAN!

[mathompson04]

ugh---cheaters should BURN!!!!

Edited October 17, 2011 by mathompson04

[robf1971]

Jake, it's time to man up.....First you had every right to snoop, your wife is CHEATING, she is disrespecting you right in your face. Do you really want to be with someone like that? You know what she's doing at the OM's right?

 

Here is what you should do...Put her cloths in trash bags and leave them on the porch or patio whatever it is you have. tell her to go stay with OM and that your done. Stop being a doormatt..This woman has turned you into a pussy, and I don't say that to be mean. You need to wake up and make her pay for her actions. ENOUGH MAN!

 

Jake is not listening to us, we are giving advice that's worth 10 years of marriage counselling.

[robf1971]

She is now saying that we are done and she will not goto MC because I do not trust her. I put my tail between my legs and apologized for snooping

 

Jake you are not hearing a word we are telling you. She was out cheating and you apologised??? WTF. Of course she's going to lie about it.

 

She's telling you she's done? Newsflash you are done anyway.

 

She knows exactly how to twist you round her little finger. Another snippet, actions speak way louder than words. Don't tell her she's out pack her stuff in boxes, lawyer up, file for separation, protect yourself. Don't tell her just do it.

 

She knows she can do anything and you will do nothing. Probably it's happened slowly over the years, you've become a nice guy who would do anything to keep the relationship together and slowly she's been testing your boundaries until she did the ultimate ie cheating.

 

As she starts losing control of you, she will erupt in crazyness, I know I've been through it and repaired my marriage by standing up to my wife and other people on her behalf. I promise you there is no better feeling in the world than manning up finally.

[jake999]

Thank you all for your opinions. I took some of your advice, even if I don't follow what you say to do I appreciate reading your thoughts.

 

I sat her down and told her that I will not stand for an OM for another minute. She interrupted me and told me that she had already stopped talking to him that night. She said that her going over there the final day was a plot to figure out how I was getting my information... I sort of believe that because it worked.

 

I think she truly did end the OM relationship, which I believe she did based on no communication on the phone, email, text, etc... We had a long talk about the OM and what the relationship was. She basically rationalized it as being a totally friendship-only thing where she was just talking to him as a friend and stuff, which is why she had no problem ending it but just needed a few days. She explained the fact that it wasn't a PA by saying that he lives with his parents and there are 4 kids in the house and every time she has seen him it was with other people also. I'm torn on my thoughts of if it was a PA or not because of the texts I saw, but also knowing her and I can't see her actually going through with it... she lacks enough self esteem to even sleep with me with the lights on.

 

We have MC scheduled for tomorrow which she is planning on attending with me.

 

I did not reveal the few texts that I had seen regarding her being able to resist kissing him or telling her friend that she can't do anything with him because it's "that time of the month", etc. (more info a few posts prior to this). I feel that I am finally on a positive track with progress since the OM is gone and we are headed to MC.

 

I really want to reveal the info in the texts and at least hear the rationalization or truth. How can I do that without derailing the progress? I'm having a hard time not discussing that since I really think there was a PA that she continues to deny. Do I just suck it up and move on realizing that I'll never really know and try to fix the things that caused it through MC? I'm thinking that even if I reveal the texts she would just give BS answers and end our progress due to more revelation of snooping.

Edited October 18, 2011 by jake999

[carhill]

Did she proactively offer transparency to coincide with her 'ending' the relationship with the OM? Transparency is critical to rebuilding trust. Your ability to access her communications/activity at any moment at your pleasure with the consequences being an immediate divorce filing upon 'slippage' is a hard boundary which should be drawn, IMO.

 

If she wants to go to MC, get that dynamic established first and see how her revelations in there match up (or not) with your information and how the flow of the sessions go. IMO, your goal is to save and rebuild the M as a completely new relationship and acceptance of the past is part of that process, for both of you. After three or four sessions you should be able to determine her perspective of the process and of the M. Go from there, however the path works out. If 'laying it out' is that path, that. If resolution is the path that. If divorce is the path, that. You're in charge of you and your decisions. Hers are completely out of your control. Good luck.

[Steen719]

Thank you all for your opinions. I took some of your advice, even if I don't follow what you say to do I appreciate reading your thoughts.

 

I sat her down and told her that I will not stand for an OM for another minute. She interrupted me and told me that she had already stopped talking to him that night. She said that her going over there the final day was a plot to figure out how I was getting my information... I sort of believe that because it worked.

 

I think she truly did end the OM relationship, which I believe she did based on no communication on the phone, email, text, etc... We had a long talk about the OM and what the relationship was. She basically rationalized it as being a totally friendship-only thing where she was just talking to him as a friend and stuff, which is why she had no problem ending it but just needed a few days. She explained the fact that it wasn't a PA by saying that he lives with his parents and there are 4 kids in the house and every time she has seen him it was with other people also. I'm torn on my thoughts of if it was a PA or not because of the texts I saw, but also knowing her and I can't see her actually going through with it... she lacks enough self esteem to even sleep with me with the lights on.

 

We have MC scheduled for tomorrow which she is planning on attending with me.

 

I did not reveal the few texts that I had seen regarding her being able to resist kissing him or telling her friend that she can't do anything with him because it's "that time of the month", etc. (more info a few posts prior to this). I feel that I am finally on a positive track with progress since the OM is gone and we are headed to MC.

 

I really want to reveal the info in the texts and at least hear the rationalization or truth. How can I do that without derailing the progress? I'm having a hard time not discussing that since I really think there was a PA that she continues to deny. Do I just suck it up and move on realizing that I'll never really know and try to fix the things that caused it through MC? I'm thinking that even if I reveal the texts she would just give BS answers and end our progress due to more revelation of snooping.

 

Bolded.....how could it not be a PA if she could not do anything because it was her time of the month? Do you mean that would have been the "only"time she would have been physical with him? When she was saying goodbye? Really????

 

There will be no progress if you do no know the truth and she is not being forthcoming with you. You just do not want to believe it. Sorry, I do know it hurts, but you are not being honest with yourself and above all, you should at least be honest with yourself. The continuing lack of knowledge will eat at you....what will be left? If you bury your head, you will just get a mouthful of sand.