My dad cheated on my mom....

[Erika777]

In the last couple of days I have discovered that my dad has been cheating on my mom. I found out through email's and a fight in which my parents thought I didn't hear. The thing is, they don't know that I know. I am 16 and my parents have been happily married for over 20 years.

 

I don't know if I should confront them and tell them I know, or just play dumb and let them work it out. I know for a fact that they have started marriage counselling and are trying to work it out. They still have pretty big arguments in private however, but act like everything is OK around me.

 

I want them to work it out, but I don't know if it is healthy to sit back and pretend like everything is OK. What should I do?

[reachingskywards]

Hi Erika

 

What a lousy position to be in. I'd really hate it. I'm sending you some big cyber hugs.

 

I guess your parents are trying to act OK around you because they don't want to hurt you or drag you into things. Its a tough call to know whether to mention anything or not.

 

Do you generally have a good relationship with your parents? Are you able to talk to them about other things?

I wasn't able to talk to my parents much at all when I was your age. However, I think if possible it would be good to let them know that you're aware of what's going on. I don't see any benefit in pretending that everything's OK since it clearly isn't.

 

Do you have anyone that you trust who you can discuss this with????

 

Best of luck with everything.

 

Sky

[bluechocolate]

These are your parents, they are adults. They have a reasonable expectation of privacy in their own home. If they haven't spoken to you openly about what is going on in their lives then I would leave it be for now. I'm sure they're not entirely ignorant of the fact that their fights and marriage counselling wouldn't have escaped your notice. I'm also sure that they think that you shouldn't be burdened with their problems.

 

I was a little younger than you when my parents were going through something very similar. I knew what was going on but didn't talk about it with them. The fighting became horrendous and it wasn't until they decided to have a trial separation that they told us about it. Your parents are going to counselling, which shows that they want to try and save their marriage. Perhaps one day they'll take about this with you, but in the meanwhile I would find someone else to confide in. Can you talk to a guidance counsellor at your school? They would have dealt with this kind of thing many, many times & will be able to offer some sound advice.

[Erika777]

Thaks for your advice. They know I know they are fighting, but they probably feel I will be devasted if I found out he had an affair. I understand people make mistakes, and I'm glad they are trying to work it out. I feel the most for my mom and my sister (who's in college and doesnt know yet) who are pretty emotional. Anyways, my dad has been acting very nice lately, trying to "make it up to us". I dont really have anyone to talk to about it, because I dont want this to leak out if they are going to get through this one their own.

[bluechocolate]

Are you sure there is no one else that you can talk to about this? No one at school (if you go to school) or a priest or pastor? The reason I ask is because it can be very helpful to have someone to unburden too, but obviously someone that you can trust. Having said that there was no one that I spoke to when this was going on with my parents, not even my brothers.

 

Even though our parents later told us about what was going on and why they had to have a trial separation we NEVER spoke about it. It isn't something that I think most parents would ever be able to discuss with thier children. I'm sure that if I wanted to talk about it now they probably wouldn't mind too much, but they worked through it and kept the family together and now it just seems like ancient history.

[yellowrose]

Originally posted by Erika777

Thaks for your advice. They know I know they are fighting, but they probably feel I will be devasted if I found out he had an affair. I understand people make mistakes, and I'm glad they are trying to work it out. I feel the most for my mom and my sister (who's in college and doesnt know yet) who are pretty emotional. Anyways, my dad has been acting very nice lately, trying to "make it up to us". I dont really have anyone to talk to about it, because I dont want this to leak out if they are going to get through this one their own.

 

{{{Erika}}}

 

You're in a very difficult situation. I've been there myself with my father. I know it's really hard. You may feel loyalty issues for one parent or the other. Just try to remain as neutral a third party as you can. Don't let your inner voice make you feel the need to referee or negotiate. Be there for your parents as they should be there for you. You don't have to make either of them talk to you about the specifics, but if you see one having a hard time, a hug from you may be all they need to help them feel better. They know you know what's going on. Obviously you're an astute young woman. They probably just feel that you don't need all the gory details thrown at you. It's enough that you already have a pretty good idea of what's happening.

 

Just keep reading the notes people post in here to you. They've been a fantastic source of strength to me. --And like I said, I was there too. My father had an affair with a close family friend. I felt very protective of my mom and was pretty pissed at my father for what I perceived as him forgetting about all of us at home while he went after what he wanted. You all will get through this. It's a long, bumpy road, but you will all be ok in the end.

 

Take care of yourself, talk to your school counselor or minister if you can. If you can't get to anyone there, just keep posting and reading. You do have people you can talk to.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

-Yr