After being NC for nearly 14 months, she emails me...

[jeff2321]

Yeah... I'm actually shaking as I type this post (grammar errors likely)... it's really amazing how emails from an ex you loved so much can cause you to go into anxiety and shock when you get them unexpectedly.

 

Tonight while driving down the highway I looked at my phone and saw an email from the ex. I quickly pulled over and read the email and was literally in shock from what I read. This is the first from of communication I have received from her in 14 months. In fact, I had evidence to suggest she was happily married and on her way to a new family.

 

She wrote me a pretty interesting email actually and it definitely seemed genuine and from the heart. Apparently the relationship she just got into didn't work out and now she has been going trough a rough patch. She says she thinks about me a lot, and wonders what I'm up to, where I'm living, etc. [ I guess my NC skills are pretty good, she doesn't know anything about me ]. The email was sincere and it does generally give a feeling that she knows she got rid of a good guy (she cited that her last relationship was really bad and really unhealthy - she's probably going through what I just went through ).

 

I resisted the urge to email her back and write a scathing email about how much pain she has put me through over the last year. If you read my earlier posts, you can see that I had suicidal thoughts for nearly two months after she left and was depressed for another 4 months after that. I started sky diving, riding sport bikes, and just doing dangerous hobbies because i was so hurt I didn't care if I died. [ Turns out that sky diving isn't that dangerous btw ]. It is only recently that I feel I have emerged from this painful breakup and now I get this email...

 

On one hand I'd love to talk to her and hear what the last year has been like for her, what went wrong, and what she thinks now, but on the other hand I'm terrified to talk to her again. She hurt me so bad that I am actually scared of being around this woman. I'm over the relationship (as much as I can be), but I don't know if it would be a good thing mentally for me to talk with her.

 

I realize I had a lot of faults in the relationship and I could have treated her a lot better, but it's been 14 months. I don't know how I could trust her at this point. I felt so much guilt for saying the things I said for a long time, but I eventually had to forgive myself.

 

I haven't replied and I'm not even sure what to do about the email. I don't really think I owe her a damn thing since she put me through all this pain. She has no idea what she put me through the last 14 months.

 

I'm glad I changed my phone number....

 

For now I'm just gonna store the email in a folder called "The girl that left" and not reply to it.

 

Jeff2321

[ludovico]

i think the fact that you are shaking might be a sign not to reply to her...

[jeff2321]

I'm okay now, but at first my heart was pounding. It's like adrenaline was released or something when I read the email and it literally took me back to that day when she left.

 

It's been about an hour since I got the email and I've calmed down a bit. I had a beer when I got home which has helped take the edge off.

 

I honestly have put so much effort into being NC that I don't know what to do.

 

Jeff

[health]

Jesus Christ. Tread carefully! It seems like you went through alot!

I thought I did - I'm 3 years over the break up, and just had some angry nights thinking of the demise of my 5 year relationship the other week.

 

Don't reply just yet.

 

See this is what I would do if mine contacted me now (She kept trying

for the first 2 years but I kept nc)

 

I would be very cordial, kind, genuinely happy, keep it short and tell her bye.

 

Or somehow tell her how great I'm doing without bragging - the problem with that is, that's evoking jelousy which could be turned around on me.

 

BE CAREFUL MAN! I say keep doing your thing, without her. It's tough.

[jeff2321]

I'm 31 and she's 30 now.

[bigmomma1974]

I tihnk not contacting her back is for the best. You have moved on and there is no need to go back to that. Keep living your life and delete her email and send them to spam. No need for her to contact you after so long. seems like she is only doing it cause her relationship she was in ended up in the crapper.

[dng]

I realize I had a lot of faults in the relationship and I could have treated her a lot better, but it's been 14 months. I don't know how I could trust her at this point. I felt so much guilt for saying the things I said for a long time, but I eventually had to forgive myself.

 

I haven't replied and I'm not even sure what to do about the email. I don't really think I owe her a damn thing since she put me through all this pain. She has no idea what she put me through the last 14 months.

 

I'm glad I changed my phone number....

 

For now I'm just gonna store the email in a folder called "The girl that left" and not reply to it.Jeff2321

 

You are assuming she wants you back, sort off. Its very unlikely. Girls seems to have that switch that flips forever.

 

Dont reply, she WILL use you, for sure. You know her best but I would bet alot of bills that I`m very right.

 

You know, different people feel in different ways. It looks like she`s not on your level emotionally, in her basement where stuff is wired. She possibly has no access to the pain levels that you do and she`ll likely never get you. Oh, and be a source of further frustration and head banging on the wall for you.

 

Imagine yourself on a dirtbike peeling out on her.

[Kamila]

So that woman is still hung up on you? After that long period of time she still remembers you and even sends you an email. You must have been a very good boyfriend then.

 

It's possible that her intentions are sincere and that she wants forgiveness. Maybe she wants to start all over again with you.

 

Question is: are you willing to take the risk to give her another go ?

The risk involves getting hurt again. But this time you have more arms to protect yourself. And making her clear that she can't mess around with you. You will need to make that clear to her from the beginning and throughout the relationship.

 

But that is only if you would let her back into your life again.

 

No pain, no gain...

 

And if you don't see yourself back with her again. Forget about the email, forget about her, and don't look back.

[jeff2321]

Dng,

 

I honestly am not sure why she is emailing me 14 months later. I don't think she wants me back, but I do think she is hurting from her relationship that just failed. She may even be the dumpee, but could be the dumper and just really depressed about it. Regardless, I have been up all night amped up mulling this over in my head about why she contacted me and I have finally got to the conclusion that it simply doesn't matter.

 

The fact is she left 14 months ago and didn't give a damn about all the pain she put me through. I just read some of my old posts and reflected just how much pain I was feeling -- I was deeply impacted by her giving up on us. I think if you could visualize my heart right now, there is a huge sown up seam on it now that could be seen from 20 feet away. Re-reading my posts has given me the extra strength I need not to reply and to just let this go.

 

I still have some feelings for her at this point, I think I always will. She will forever be remembered in my heart, but I just don't think I can mentally stomach being in contact with her again. I am exhausted from just trying to heal the last year and don't think I can even stomach the things she would tell me about the guy she was engaged to the last year. She claims in her email that her last relationship was insane and unhealthy -- that's what she said about ours when she left...

 

I wish I had the strength to contact her, but I just don't have it anymore. I'm ready for something new and a clean slate. I have put in my time suffering, feeling guilt, and paying the price for the stuff I did wrong in the relationship... I don't want to dig up old dirt by talking to her again and feel like **** again (which will happen).

 

Also, I was _really_ tempted to just send an email with links to my beginning threads here just so she can see how much pain I was in when she left (I don't think she understand just how hurt I was from it), but what would be the point of that? To cause both of us more emotional unrest? That would be a waste of energy. It was over the day she moved her stuff out our house. I then got to watch on facebook every single friend she had cheer her on about how she got rid of that "controlling *******", there is no rejection like 40+ coworkers, friends, her famiily, and even some of my original friends cheer her on for leaving me. I went through holy hell getting myself back to normal again... and I'm STILL picking up the pieces (small ones).

 

She claims in her email she is in therapy as well, so I think she might have emailed me based on advice from her counselor. My ex was super cold when she left, so I just don't understand how all of a sudden she cares about me again.

 

I am not trying to be cold here because I am over it and I do FORGIVE her for all of it, but I will never FORGET what happened. I have learned a lot about boundaries in the last year and this is one of those boundaries that is going to stay in place -- i.e. NC will continue with my ex.

 

Sorry for the rant,

 

Jeff2321

 

You are assuming she wants you back, sort off. Its very unlikely. Girls seems to have that switch that flips forever.

 

Dont reply, she WILL use you, for sure. You know her best but I would bet alot of bills that I`m very right.

 

You know, different people feel in different ways. It looks like she`s not on your level emotionally, in her basement where stuff is wired. She possibly has no access to the pain levels that you do and she`ll likely never get you. Oh, and be a source of further frustration and head banging on the wall for you.

 

Imagine yourself on a dirtbike peeling out on her.

Edited September 22, 2011 by jeff2321

[dng]

She's in therapy as well, so I think she might have emailed me based on advice from her counselor. My ex was super cold when she left, so I just don't understand how all of a sudden she cares about me again.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

Jeff2321

 

She doesnt really, most likely. I can't tell you what to do or even judge the situation correctly because I'm too far removed from it, but YOU know what to do.

 

You took the time to think it over before reacting, and now have come to a conclusion that I find myself very sound, if you were to ask me.

 

Ask yourself if you think she spent a sleepness night thinking before writing to you. You have probably more time invested in that email than she does already, like everything else between you two, probably.

[jeff2321]

Thanks DNG for commenting on my post. Your comments have helped me a lot tonight.

 

I have sent you her original email. This is the only form of communication I've received from her in 14 months.

 

If you have time, please send me your thoughts on it... The email is only a paragraph.

 

Thanks,

 

Jeff

[Thieves]

I resisted the urge to email her back and write a scathing email about how much pain she has put me through over the last year.

 

Good f*cking job. And I say that with absolutely no ounce of sarcasm. I so wish I had your strength a few months back where I, unfortunately, didn't think too much before I replied back to 'him' just a day after he sent me an e-mail. My e-mail wasn't scathing but, just pretty much useless. I could've left it as it was when I first e-mailed him for the last time (to start NC), and I would've been better off. But.

 

I agree with the other poster who said if you were shaking when you first got the e-mail, then it's most likely not a good idea to reply.

 

She claims in her email that her last relationship was insane and unhealthy -- that's what she said about ours when she left...

 

Hm... That should tell you something, definitely.

 

It was over the day she moved her stuff out our house. I then got to watch on facebook every single friend she had cheer her on about how she got rid of that "controlling *******", there is no rejection like 40+ coworkers, friends, her famiily, and even some of my original friends cheer her on for leaving me.

 

Wow. Just for that, I don't believe you should contact her again. Good riddance, Jeff. Trust us.

 

Remember, you're no longer with her. Not even as a friend. And while it's very natural and even amusing to wonder why a particular ex has e-mailed you after so very long, also remember that it's no longer your job to figure out why they do the things they do. Truly think about that. Because if you do, it's actually quite freeing and relieving. It's not your job anymore to investigate and find out why they said this, why they did that instead of doing this. And so on. Once you have broken that 'title' or that 'relationship status' with someone, sure.. there are still feelings there. Memories that make you nostalgic. But their motives, their thoughts, their actions are no longer part of yours, so to speak. They no longer have to have an effect on you.

 

So, previously, when you were lying there in bed thinking of why in the world she could have e-mailed you, the truth is that it doesn't truly matter anymore, does it? You said it yourself: you've felt too much pain over her to go back to that. So figuring out any reason why she contacted you is just a moot point. It won't lead anywhere, because you've already decided what you're going to do now. Sure, it might be interesting to know for curiosity's sake why now all of a sudden she wanted to hear from you. But again, not your responsibility to know the why's, or to make her feel better.

[Karala]

I am not trying to be cold here because I am over it and I do FORGIVE her for all of it, but I will never FORGET what happened. I have learned a lot about boundaries in the last year and this is one of those boundaries that is going to stay in place -- i.e. NC will continue with my ex.

 

Jeff2321

 

You are my hero. Are you single? lol ^^

 

Seriously, there are so many great guys on this board, with morals, values, and character... Where are you in real life??? *sigh*

 

Anyway, you're doing the right thing, like other people pointed out, the way her e-mail has affected you clearly says that you're better off maintaining NC. Kudos to you for being able to recognize this, a lot of people in your situation would just kid themselves, break NC and probably end up hurting themselves.

[jeff2321]

Thanks for the kind words... It has been a few days since I got the email from her and I still haven't responded to it. I have been talking with a good friend in the UK about it and she explained to me that it is a bit selfish to email your ex and tell them about their failed relationship with a guy they left you for. I guess right now I guess I have anger at her more than anything... why does she think I want to know about her recent ex and that it failed? Her email is very carefully crafted and has no apologies of any kind.

 

Nonetheless, this woman destroyed me and it took me almost a year to get over it. I don't think I'm going to grant her the communication lines she wants me to open. I have to remain steadfast in my decision.

 

I can't help but sometimes wonder 'what if'... what if I contacted her and things went smooth. But how would they? I couldn't bare facing her friends or family at this point... they all rejected me so harshly a year ago.

 

I'm not 100% on the decision but I have to just stay away from her. She has just done enough damage to me already.

 

Jeff2321

 

Good f*cking job. And I say that with absolutely no ounce of sarcasm. I so wish I had your strength a few months back where I, unfortunately, didn't think too much before I replied back to 'him' just a day after he sent me an e-mail. My e-mail wasn't scathing but, just pretty much useless. I could've left it as it was when I first e-mailed him for the last time (to start NC), and I would've been better off. But.

 

I agree with the other poster who said if you were shaking when you first got the e-mail, then it's most likely not a good idea to reply.

 

 

 

Hm... That should tell you something, definitely.

 

 

 

Wow. Just for that, I don't believe you should contact her again. Good riddance, Jeff. Trust us.

 

Remember, you're no longer with her. Not even as a friend. And while it's very natural and even amusing to wonder why a particular ex has e-mailed you after so very long, also remember that it's no longer your job to figure out why they do the things they do. Truly think about that. Because if you do, it's actually quite freeing and relieving. It's not your job anymore to investigate and find out why they said this, why they did that instead of doing this. And so on. Once you have broken that 'title' or that 'relationship status' with someone, sure.. there are still feelings there. Memories that make you nostalgic. But their motives, their thoughts, their actions are no longer part of yours, so to speak. They no longer have to have an effect on you.

 

So, previously, when you were lying there in bed thinking of why in the world she could have e-mailed you, the truth is that it doesn't truly matter anymore, does it? You said it yourself: you've felt too much pain over her to go back to that. So figuring out any reason why she contacted you is just a moot point. It won't lead anywhere, because you've already decided what you're going to do now. Sure, it might be interesting to know for curiosity's sake why now all of a sudden she wanted to hear from you. But again, not your responsibility to know the why's, or to make her feel better.

[jeff2321]

Karala,

 

Lol, thanks, though I don't feel much like a hero... more like a guy digging himself out of a large hole.

 

I have forced myself to stay single the last 8 months and it has been hard to get used to the lonliness, solitude, and lack of companionship. On the other hand it has been good for me actually.. I have grown a lot and learned quite a bit about myself. i still don't think I'm ready to date yet because I'm not happy with myself yet.

 

My ex sending this email has had a dramatic freeing effect on me because sadly I think she may realize what she has thrown away. She took for granted what we had and dashed off to some other guy and it didn't work. [ Granted, I thought it did work out for her for the longest time... I thought she was married and on her way to starting a family...]

 

I still have to resist the urge not to send back a hate email to her... It won't get me anywhere, so that's why I don't do it.

 

I'm in the phase now where I'm single again and don't even want to think about getting serious with anyone yet. It's like I just climbed mount everest and I'm in the process of making it back down the mountain safely with a few bruises and cuts. It will be awhile before I climb that mountain again.

 

I really want to may live abroad at some point. I've thought about Australia, Singapore, United Kingdom... It would be quite exciting. I have nothing but time at my old age of 31.

 

Thanks again for the kind words, Karala.

 

Jeff

 

You are my hero. Are you single? lol ^^

 

Seriously, there are so many great guys on this board, with morals, values, and character... Where are you in real life??? *sigh*

 

Anyway, you're doing the right thing, like other people pointed out, the way her e-mail has affected you clearly says that you're better off maintaining NC. Kudos to you for being able to recognize this, a lot of people in your situation would just kid themselves, break NC and probably end up hurting themselves.

Edited September 23, 2011 by jeff2321

[jlgymrat]

jeff2321-

 

this thread really caught my attention... i went through and read some of your other posts and it looks like you went through a lot. you seem like a guy who actually woke up after the breakup and realized what you did wrong, unlike so many others.

 

i would actually like to know more about you and this relationship, i think it could help me with my situation. all i do know is work and go to the gym. great for my body i guess...

 

just know that i am looking at this from a woman's perspective, hope that doesn't jade you from further communication with me. i did try and pm you but im new so i guess i can't do that yet ?!?!?!

 

-jess

[Thieves]

You're welcome, Jeff. I know this must be very hard and upsetting for you, especially since it was so unexpected and the email was... less than wonderful. Your friend is right, it was pretty selfish for her to send that email, especially knowing what you've went through. But perhaps that's just why she sent it? Because she knows it must've hurt somewhat, but is oblivious and unaware of just how much pain you felt. Some people, believe it or not, don't always have the capacity to understand such an unbearable pain - nevermind believe it was caused by them in the first place. I like to think it's a self-defense mechanism of theirs. After all, if you're oblivious to the pain you're causing, you can't ever truly feel the depth of it yourself, so you don't feel too guilty about it.

 

In any case, what she did was pretty cruel, whether she realizes it or not. Not only is it not a random guy, but the guy she left you for? Seriously? I understand your anger. But really, try not to let it take you over too much. A little reaction is natural, so is wondering 'what if'. But try to make sure it doesn't get to be too much, since heated reactions tend to make us do things we can't take back.

 

But I think you should not send her anything, Jeff. You've already stayed strong this long, and you've come so far from when she first hurt you. Yeah, it could go alright, but it also could not. And if it doesn't.. well, just think, a year's worth of effort broken by just a few lines in an email from her. Not really worth it, right?

 

Thanks for the kind words... It has been a few days since I got the email from her and I still haven't responded to it. I have been talking with a good friend in the UK about it and she explained to me that it is a bit selfish to email your ex and tell them about their failed relationship with a guy they left you for. I guess right now I guess I have anger at her more than anything... why does she think I want to know about her recent ex and that it failed? Her email is very carefully crafted and has no apologies of any kind.

 

Nonetheless, this woman destroyed me and it took me almost a year to get over it. I don't think I'm going to grant her the communication lines she wants me to open. I have to remain steadfast in my decision.

 

I can't help but sometimes wonder 'what if'... what if I contacted her and things went smooth. But how would they? I couldn't bare facing her friends or family at this point... they all rejected me so harshly a year ago.

 

I'm not 100% on the decision but I have to just stay away from her. She has just done enough damage to me already.

 

Jeff2321

[jeff2321]

Thank you for reading my post. I don't mind sharing some details about the relationship. Basically I kind of pushed a few issues too much during our relationship and I didn't exactly make her feel special enough... I was insecure in a lot of ways which drove her to leave. I realize this now, but it has been so long now that I don't think it's repairable. Hell, just facing her family and friends alone would be difficult. Someone once told me that ex girlfriends are like old tax returns... they are best left in the past. [ It is just so hard to do that when such an email after 14 months of silence digs up all kinds of stuff I have been trying to forget about. ]

 

I truly thought I'd never see or hear from her again, so this is just a real shock for me.

 

My apologies to the community here for harping on this topic... The email came out of nowhere and kind of messed me up a bit. I'm trying not to dwell on it... but yeah it definitely caused some old dirt to rise to the surface.

 

I am not able to private message you either. I guess you have to be here 30 days and have a specific number of posts (I'm am not sure).

 

Jeff2321

 

jeff2321-

 

this thread really caught my attention... i went through and read some of your other posts and it looks like you went through a lot. you seem like a guy who actually woke up after the breakup and realized what you did wrong, unlike so many others.

 

i would actually like to know more about you and this relationship, i think it could help me with my situation. all i do know is work and go to the gym. great for my body i guess...

 

just know that i am looking at this from a woman's perspective, hope that doesn't jade you from further communication with me. i did try and pm you but im new so i guess i can't do that yet ?!?!?!

 

-jess

[2011]

Firstly want to sat Jeff well done for sticking to your NC and don't give up, i haven't read all your past posts so don't know specifics but from what you say she wasn't about much when you were hurting the most but just came back - perhaps carefully choreographed by her - as you were starting to make real progress. All I can say is maybe she went through a period on her life GIGS whatever and now she is regretting it, but whatever, you can forgive but never forget, only if she come battering down your door should you even consider communication with her.

 

I had a similar BU with my ex hurt like hell, only just getting really out of the woods now after almost 8 months and total blank from her for that time, except her viewing my dating profile once a few months ago. I myself do admit pretty much the same things as you said you admitted but you know I tried to be calm sensible and talk and try and see it through, she had none of it and basically just antagonised me and played mind games like I deserved what it for trying to be understanding and trying to work at things like any healthy relationship requires.

 

All being said I am now dating a nice girl who is a much better communicator, who actually wants to work at things and do things rather than being a huffy mind-game fanatic. All I can say is live and learn your experience, really it is only a year or so out of your life, trust me you will move on, I know I thought I would never but I am slowly and you will too.

 

Best of luck and stay strong.

 

2011

[wilsonx]

Jeff I admire your posting of this old topic and your courage to get to where you are today. One thing I want to change your paradigm of thinking just slightly is that a relationship ending and especially yours by the way your post is not 100% your fault. Its always 50/50 so I hope you dont beat yourself over it. I honestly want to lay more of the blame on her then anything because of the way you reacted at the time of the breakup and I hope you have reflected and seen that. It wasn't truly your fault. Its the type of person she is and instead of solving her own happiness issues she uses other people co dependent people as a crutch

 

Look at the situation now. Guess who is not in a relationship and not happy and is emailing it to tell you. She is. You have had the courage to stick NC and she doesnt have it. You are the clear victor here and will continue to be by sticking to NC and moving forward with your life. She probably will never find that true happiness that she had with you is because that is found within and she's not looking there, shes looking elsewhere

 

Keep sticking NC, try to keep looking forward and keep your chin up, you are in a very good place my man

[jlgymrat]

I looked into it and if you subscribe you can pm... Just FYI

[Duckduckgoose]

 

Look at the situation now. Guess who is not in a relationship and not happy and is emailing it to tell you. She is. You have had the courage to stick NC and she doesnt have it. You are the clear victor here and will continue to be by sticking to NC and moving forward with your life.

 

This paragraph is so full of epic win.

 

So she's trying to come running back because the grass wasn't so green elsewhere. Best to stay NC, but damn it would be so hard to resist giving her both birds for the **** she put you through.

[Frank13]

She is only emailing you because her new relationship failed. She is feeling lonely. How would she have responded to you if you emailed her 6 months ago? She wouldn't have replied.

 

This is simple. Unless she emails you and says she was wrong and wants to get back together with you, and that is what you want, ignore her. There is nothing at all to be gained from replying to her bread crumbs especially after all the pain you went through. You don't want to go back to square one.

[Marsil]

Hi,

 

I really think you are a great guy and you are doing the right thing by ignoring her. I would of just copy pasted the whole email on facebook and made sure all her friends and coworkers and who ever else said anything about you see it. It might be a little juvenile but the truth is I know I would of done it. Then I would of close the book forever and go on with my life without a single thought about her ever again. I would of probably just answered something like: Cry me a river... and then some other things I don't wanna say here.

 

I am 29 years old myself and Ive kinda been in your situation before. I think you have way more strength then I ever had in those type of situations. It is not so much that I would wanna hurt them back, but maybe next time they will think twice before hurting someone else.

 

Kudos to you!

[Diogenes]

Jeff the fact that you were upset by her email simply means you are decent human being, and your feelings for her were genuine and from your soul. To those of us like you it is a blessing and a curse at the same time to be this way. I'm just beginning to realize at age 56 that some people can flip emotional switches off and on, others, well... we put all those memories in a little box in some hidden spot in our soul and it gets pulled out in moments like yours. Stay strong, rereading your past posts about the pain you went through is a good idea.