How does a borderline/narcissistic boy act after dumping someone?

[nini]

I've been doing a bit of reading and some of the things my ex did (and probably I did) can easily be classed as borderline. Was just wondering what goes on in their head after they breakup with a girl they totally idealised in the beginning and totally devalued in the end?

[Mack05]

I've been doing a bit of reading and some of the things my ex did (and probably I did) can easily be classed as borderline. Was just wondering what goes on in their head after they breakup with a girl they totally idealised in the beginning and totally devalued in the end?

 

Nin I did a lot of research on Borderline Personality disorder. It is highly unlikely the most people we think have BPD actually have it. Indeed the chances of a male having BPD are sooooooooo slim. It's generally a female disorder. Maybe your ex is narcissistic, maybe he is not. But by focusing on what is wrong with your ex, you are delaying your own healing. I made the exact same mistake. I spent nearly a month researching BPD, because I felt that was what my ex had. I even sent her a book on it..(OH DEAR GOD..TOTAL CRINGE!). Maybe my ex has BPD, she probably doesn't. Either way, it is not and never was my concern..Dumpee's focus so much on their ex's that they neglect themselves and their own healing, because they want to avoid those uncomfortable feelings of grieving and dealing with their own personal problems. That is why you see posters like you, buttercup, babygirlhi, ruinlifed, Thedovic, Mike588 etc etc and hundreds of others posting the same kinda of stuff 3 months, 6 months, 9 months down the line. They do that because they obsess about their ex's and not focus on themselves. Time does not heal all wounds. Grieving and healing in the correct way does.

 

I am sad to see this thread today Nin. I thought after your PM that you were making so much progress, but while you are in this mindset you are taking steps backwards.

[betterdeal]

If you feel your ex is fit to be classified as having a personality disorder, what does that say about you? For me, it was clear that I also had a lot of issues, hence I became so close to someone with lots of issues. Friends around us dismissed her as "nuts" quite early on, so what was it that appealed to me about her? That's the interesting question, and one you will benefit from asking yourself.

 

The best book I have read on BPD resonated a lot with me. As in, I identified with the description myself, as well as seeing a lot of my ex in there. It's a good book called, "Lost in the Mirror". You'll notice lots of stuff online about BPD says it's a controversial diagnosis. I've yet to find out why it's controversial - nothing I have found expands on that. My theory is it's controversial because essentially a personality is not mental health problem, it is the foundation of a person. That and the fact that a BPD diagnosis carries a lot of stigma and is disabling in itself. You might as well describe it as being nuts. At least that does away with the faux science.

Edited September 22, 2011 by betterdeal

[Mack05]

If you feel your ex is fit to be classified as having a personality disorder, what does that say about you?

 

That right there was my 'Eureka' moment. That was when I stopped obsessing about my ex and focused all the attention to me..

[Art_Critic]

It's generally a female disorder.

 

From what I remember is that it is 75% female 25% male.

Since BPD is a fairly rare disorder to begin with when you look at it statistically then throw in the male stats it is statistically unlikely that their male ex is BPD.

Not saying he isn't.. those type of diagnoses should be left up to a qualified person but statistically unlikely would be a better determination until a DR sees them.

 

I see the BPD talk on LS a bit disturbing.. there has been a group of posters a while back ago creating tons of threads on BPD and they haven't the slightest clue what they are talking about.

Since those threads wind up in Google it brings people here thinking their ex has BPD because the threads are so matter of fact without a proper diagnoses.

[blueskyday]

Maybe you have been "narced" by a narcisst! Happened to me. The joyful idealization and the eventual devaluation of you as a human being or anything you thought you were to him. Heartbreaking.

 

Google "The Path Forward," and narcissists. It helped me so much to know I wasn't going crazy, and that this wasn't a regular breakup with a guy who was a jerk. It was so much more.

 

I wouldn't normally focus on the ex's mental health either, but in this case, it speeds up healing because their behavior is so confusing and makes zero sense...until you realize that a narcissist has a counterfeit heart and no real emotions...and that you were just "source" to them for their ego.

 

Hugs!

[M2155]

I spent nearly a month researching BPD, because I felt that was what my ex had. I even sent her a book on it..(OH DEAR GOD..TOTAL CRINGE!).

 

You sent her a book? Lol

[Kageytn]

I think-and it's totally my opionion-that BPD is controversial because it's so close to bi polarness. If you read the symptoms, they match closely. They also match with depressive disorders.

 

When I had my major depression, I went to a therapist. She gave me the DMV for borderline and had me read it. 5 fit. I was borderline.

 

I went to a psychriast (misspelled) and he read the symptoms for bi polar. I fit some of them-I was bi polar.

 

I went to a new therapist. She asked about my sleep patterns, my thought patterns, my family history and my actions when I was depressed. She decided I have a major depression disorder w anxiety.

 

I agreed with her. Insurance pays for bi polar treatment not counseling. BPD is the flavor of the week with therapist. Reading symptoms without asking about family history, sleep patterns etc is no way to diagnose someone.

 

I was literally labelled all three in a two week period.

[Mack05]

You sent her a book? Lol

 

Holding my hands in face right now :laugh:. I have made some howler of mistakes in my day . If I posted all my mistakes, I think I would give this forum a great laugh. "You did what Mack!". Can a man be that stupid? It turns out he can!

 

I am long over my heartbreak, but I really want to help people not make the same mistakes I did..I know how gut wrenching things are for many on this board..

[EatPrayLove]

Maybe you have been "narced" by a narcisst! Happened to me. The joyful idealization and the eventual devaluation of you as a human being or anything you thought you were to him. Heartbreaking.

 

Google "The Path Forward," and narcissists. It helped me so much to know I wasn't going crazy, and that this wasn't a regular breakup with a guy who was a jerk. It was so much more.

 

I wouldn't normally focus on the ex's mental health either, but in this case, it speeds up healing because their behavior is so confusing and makes zero sense...until you realize that a narcissist has a counterfeit heart and no real emotions...and that you were just "source" to them for their ego.

 

Hugs!

 

 

Blue- I was in a relationship with a narcissist and the break was horrendous. As you said, its not just some normal downfall and then breakup. Its so much more and so much worse.

 

He actually contacted me through a text this past Saturday at 4 am to "apologize" and "thank me" and "wish me the best." Ugh, puke. It made me so mad and sick to my stomach. It was purely a selfish text with no real apology. After nearly 6 months of NC this a hole decides to try to worm his way back in my life.

 

The best thing to come out of this relationship is that I now know how to spot a narcissist....and then run away.

[genmut]

Oh dear. I too spent a couple whole weeks trying to convince myself that my ex has BPD. And I'm actually pretty convinced that she does.

 

I actually look at it as a step forward in healing. Because of the nature these relationships end - the dumper often leaves abruptly blaming the dumpee for everything that went wrong. Starts digging up the past. And it all happens so fast that the dumpee is left in a daze. We needed to understand what exactly happened back there. Personally, it's helped me significantly in moving on because I no longer blame anyone for what has happened.

 

That said, of course it's important to recognise as the dumpee where we went wrong. But surely we can't have been as bad as they made us out to be; cos if we were then they wouldn't have been all over us one moment and then out the door literally the very next day.

[betterdeal]

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet...

 

There's a fair few professionals who think 99% of mental disorders boil down to anxiety and most anxiety is situational. I agree.

 

That said, I think looking into whether or not your ex could be described as BPD is a step on your way to recovery. It is - if you read the right books - a step towards understanding, so be a bit selective as to which sources you rely on.

 

I highly recommend you go into no contact with your ex for the foreseeable future. Change your phone number, block on social media etc. You will recover from this much quicker without further upsetting input from him.

 

If your ex is, as you suspect, mentally unwell, best to lose contact for now and spend a bit of time determining what was his and what was yours in the relationship breakdown, and from that you can work on living a better life in the future.

[genmut]

OP: the textbook answer is that he might idealise you again sometime in the future (maybe years down the road) or he might never. Truth is nobody will ever know so the best thing you can do now is do as betterdeal said.

[nini]

Thanks guys!

I guess I was just trying to understand how a guy can totally worship you and then say you're the worst thing that happened to him and that he wants to break up to be alone for a very very long time and the minute you go NC he sets up a profile on adultfriendfinder

 

Not saying I was blameless, over the past 5 months (yes I begged and pleaded for that long and he kept giving mixed signals), I have learnt a lot about myself, I need to work on so much in me to be able to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person...

 

A bit scary reading all this BPD stuff...some of the stuff is exactly what he did, some is exactly what I did...really scary! Match made in hell is an understatement..

 

Btw, his profile on adultfriendfinder, where there is something called the purity test...he has ticked boxes re doing loads of drugs and that he actively sought prostitutes and has slept with prostitutes...dont know if this happened when he was in the relationship with me or before...but I guess he had some issues that he never felt comfortable telling me about...

 

Have started accepting that there are some answers I will never know, and that I have to find closure from within. Maybe I dodged a bullet?

[betterdeal]

I think you certainly got yourself out of a very difficult situation and the fact you're looking for understanding is a sign you're going in the direction!

 

Blowing hot and cold was, when I did it, for lack of better ways to express myself. Its easy to latch onto one strong feeling (love, hate) and throw all reason out of the window instead of accepting you have a mixture of feelings and that they come and go, grow and wane, and how we behave affects them. He has his own story. I wouldn't put much store in his AFF profile, although I do wonder how you found it? Were you on there too?

[nini]

I think you certainly got yourself out of a very difficult situation and the fact you're looking for understanding is a sign you're going in the direction!

 

Blowing hot and cold was, when I did it, for lack of better ways to express myself. Its easy to latch onto one strong feeling (love, hate) and throw all reason out of the window instead of accepting you have a mixture of feelings and that they come and go, grow and wane, and how we behave affects them. He has his own story. I wouldn't put much store in his AFF profile, although I do wonder how you found it? Were you on there too?

 

 

I have his email passwords and checked it last week and saw he created a profile, was devastated, but I kinda feel bad for him, he must be so lonely and lost, I was his everything for 4 years and I can imagine he is feeling the void as much as I am even though he's stopped loving me...but yeah, its weird, especially right now I have this feeling in my heart that he's really alone and sad, but I haqve decided on NC, so am just going to pray for him tonight. I dont want him to be sad.

[Mack05]

Nin you are SOOOO blinded by this guy. He doesn't deserve your pity or your prayers...

[betterdeal]

Probably a good idea to get rid of those passwords.

 

I'm glad your saying prayers for him. Say some for you too.

[nini]

Nin you are SOOOO blinded by this guy. He doesn't deserve your pity or your prayers...

 

I know...such conflict in my heart...good times, bad times, the kindness and warmth, the shouting and anger, all together at the same time in my head...but I know thats its just a phase, and am determined to feel better without him, and I hope he feels better without me too.

 

Just one of those days when all good memories come flooding back, the big grin he greeted me with each friday I saw him, the hugs/cuddles on the sofa while watching tv, him waiting patiently outside while i went to get my eyebrows done, when he took a day off work to help me find a flat in Manchester, etc etc. I'm just telling myself its ok to have these good memories, and in time, I will hopefully have good memories with someone else...but yeah I do miss the good parts a lot today...

 

Oh well..going to sleep soon and will hopefully wake up feeling better

[Downtown]

It is highly unlikely the most people we think have BPD actually have it. Indeed the chances of a male having BPD are sooooooooo slim.

Not really. It is not rare at all. The only large scale study of BPD -- one which gave face to face interviews to nearly 35,000 American adults -- found that 6% of the males have a lifetime incidence of full-blown BPD at the diagnostic level. (See J. of Clinical Psychology, 2008, at http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2676679/.) Moreover, when BPD traits are strong but fall well short of that diagnostic level, they still can destroy a marriage and make your life miserable. So, when you include those folks who have strong traits -- but never at the full-blown level -- the percent of males must be substantially greater than 6%. If that combined figure is as large as 8 or 9 percent, your chance of meeting a man with strong BPD traits is as likely as your chance of meeting a left-handed man.

It's generally a female disorder.

Certainly, that was what was believed for about 30 years, during which time only a few small-scale studies were performed -- usually on folks in mental hospitals, not on the general population. Moreover, BPD was one of the least researched, most neglected areas of psychology -- largely because it was mistakenly believed that BPD sufferers were untreatable. It therefore is insightful that the only large scale study found that approximately 6% of adult women -- as well as 6% of adult men -- have a lifetime incidence of BPD at the diagnostic level.

But by focusing on what is wrong with your ex, you are delaying your own healing.

Certainly that is true for most folks dating a BPDer. Because they are emotionally healthy, they will enjoy the wonderful courtship period and then be willing to spend another 6 to 12 months trying to fix the relationship. Then they walk. Hence, for most ex-partners, focusing on themselves is the quickest way to heal because they give full attention to their own issues.

 

Those folks, however, generally do not come here complaining about dating an abusive partner (e.g., a BPDer) for several years. The ex-partners remaining in toxic relationships that long almost certainly are excessive caregivers -- "codependents" like me -- who have weak personal boundaries. Due to the low boundaries, they have difficulty knowing where their problems stop and the other person's problems begin. Indeed, they are so empathetic that they often feel that their partners' troubles are their own. And they are easily persuaded by the BPDer partners that they are the source of the relationship problems. This is why BPD is the only mental disorder that is notorious for making a substantial share of the partners and spouses feel like they are going crazy. Hence, giving these codependent partners and ex-partners a better understanding of the BPDers' issues allows them to see -- by subtraction -- what portion of the toxicity is due to their own behavior.

 

I therefore believe that, when a person is stuck in a toxic relationship for years and is unwilling to let go of it, the easiest and quickest way for them to understand their own issues is to first get a basic understanding of the partner's issues. It is so much easier to see the flaws in another person. Moreover, for a person with weak personal boundaries, it is far easier to start understanding yourself after you have first subtracted away the relationship problems attributable to your partner.

[Downtown]

I've been doing a bit of reading and some of the things my ex did (and probably I did) can easily be classed as borderline. Was just wondering what goes on in their head after they breakup with a girl they totally idealised in the beginning and totally devalued in the end?

Nini, one of the hallmarks of a BPDer is his ability, in ten seconds, to flip from idealizing you to devaluing or hating you. But this behavior -- called "black-white thinking" -- is not sufficient to indicate a person suffers from a strong pattern of strong BPD traits. Most of the nine traits must be present at a strong level and must have been persistent over many years. Hence, I am sure you will not find any members here concluding that he has a strong pattern of such traits based on that sudden change alone.

 

Moreover, while it is rather easy to spot the red flags for BPD traits in a person you've been dating for three years, it is far far harder to determine whether those traits are so severe and persistent as to meet 100% of the diagnostic threshold for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that.

[wilsonx]

One of the things I will say is that borderline, narcisism and, antisocial disorders all fall under the cluster B personality disorders. That's why they are very similar.

 

One of the things that has helped me cope tremendously from a breakup with a ticking time bomb ex is therapy.

 

We can look at the symptoms all day but I do not agree with one of the posts here saying that one attracts another. In this case, water does not seek its own level. In this case, a lot of our ex's had some abuse or came from very bad environments. Their self defense from this is to seek out people who are "nice" or "caretaking" personalities. People that sacrifice their own happiness and needs for that of their partners and that's why a lot of us get really really hurt.

 

In order for people to break this cycle, they need to learn to put themselves first in life. Stop worrying about the needs of others, take care of yourself first. I see it all the time, especially in GIGS posts. Even my best friend who's ex just left him recently. He still wants to do all these huge things for her.

 

It honestly does not matter what type of person you date as long as you are both emotionally honest and responsible to yourself first. When you start putting your self first and doing the right thing for you, you will actually weed people out that could "possibly" be diagnosed with some sort of cluster B personality disorder with personal boundaries almost instantly.

 

I have an unfair advantage as I work with 7 girls now that all have been molested as a kid. All of them. If anything they are all suffering from PTSD. 3 of them are cutters. There is a HUGE difference between these people and emotionally healthy people. I consider all of them my friends. I do not judge them based on their past. I do not judge them based on their present either. One of my friends at work, has been one of the most influential people in me understanding what the **** they think when this happens. Its a different type of personality. Its not their fault, I just did not understand at the time what I was going through

 

But for me, I will not date anyone with this type of background again and that is my personal boundary.

Edited September 23, 2011 by wilsonx

[betterdeal]

We can look at the symptoms all day but I do not agree with one of the posts here saying that one attracts another. In this case, water does not seek its own level. In this case, a lot of our ex's had some abuse or came from very bad environments. Their self defense from this is to seek out people who are "nice" or "caretaking" personalities. People that sacrifice their own happiness and needs for that of their partners and that's why a lot of us get really really hurt.

 

I agree with this. Although some times sacrificing your happiness and needs for your partner is not a bad thing: they get a flat tyre, you are about to go to bed, instead you drive out to change the spare for them. Not so bad.

 

It's about proportions and whether there's a flow of healthy, good, positive energy between you.